This weekend I went to a family reunion which my now-ex was originally scheduled to attend. However, my now-ex's boss gave her a shit-hard time on Friday when she found out she was going. I hate now-ex's boss because she is yet one of the other people I blame for the loss of my comfy relationship... she put ideas in my now-ex's head I think... and was just generally never on my side because she just couldn't understand socially inept people. Anyway... she made some shitty comments to now-ex about "why are you going? are you going to beg for her back?"
I found out later that my now-ex went on a 5 mile walk at 10pm out of depression after her work day on Friday.
Without knowing about either event, I made sure that now-ex did join me at the hotel on Saturday because I was bored and had nothing to do (because she was supposed to be there ... we were supposed to be hanging out in the city area because the reunion part wasn't until Sunday but I was already in the hotel). Missing her ... and her missing me... we ended up hugging when alone in the room together and hugging led to a little peck on the lips. Bad bad bad!
She left shortly after, I continued with my day and my Sunday and returned Sunday night. We spent that evening, Monday evening and the whole day today together and .... everything's confused now. We had another little incident of peck-kissing yesterday.
The thing is - she was the one that initiated the break-up. I'm just trying to maintain it because I really don't think we've ever really been that compatible and REALLY... I'm not good for her. I hold her back. The break-up works when she keeps up with the "I don't know what my feelings for you are..." but it gets fuzzy when she gets sad and depressed about our breakup because I can't stand to see her sad.
The saddest part is that I feel nothing when I hold her or kiss her... other than comfy person and comfy skin. I can probably find comfy people elsewhere. There's NEVER really been any passion (on my side) in the relationship... and we suffered from our lesbian bed death a while ago. And she was never that into sex to begin with. She's asexual... and I can't stand it.
So I can grasp at the straws she's giving me and fix this relationship, not move, and be stuck in the same ol' repeating patterns of our dead-end relationship... or I can GET OUT!!! It seems like an obvious choice but somehow I always get sucked back in to the comfy and safe.
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