Movin'

I'm thinking of moving this blog over to LiveJournal! For the time being it will exist in both places: http://www.livejournal.com/users/refriedlesbean/

Careful What You Wish For

Feeling slightly "in the mood" I posted again on Craigslist. Knowing full well that no woman ever responds to a call to arms in the Women Seeking Women section - I posted a notice in the "Casual Encounters" section hoping for a few e-mails that might last me the night. MAYBE... if I was feeling frisky... I'd try an IM conversation.

Well responses were low and I wasn't entirely satisfied so I turned on the old messenger linked to my wonderful fake e-mail address that sorts through all my odd CL posts. I started receiving IMs from a guy who claimed to like boys and girls and who seemed like a generally friendly guy. After a few minutes of chatting we realized that we didn't live far from each other. He asked if I wanted to hang out at a safe mutual destination. I waffled for a good 30-40 minutes and then decided to be BOLD (against better judgement). I was awake. It was very early in the morning. We were both bored.

Though I'm horrible at social interaction and bad at conversation in general - he promised that he was a very social guy and would do all the talking.

Well sometimes better judgement should be listened to. Or I should at lease take into consideration WHAT I posted before accepting any invitations. I had posted my physical stats. I had posted that I "liked porn."

So I got to our meeting place (a dark parking lot near a 24 hour establishment... what the fuck was I thinking?) and met the guy. At first he seemed nice - a cute cuddly kind of guy. He gave me a hug and a sweet smile.

But then it turned south. Having no real "guy" friends in my life I was surprised when he started so off-handedly talking about "cock" and "I responded because of your D titties." I tried to play it off as if this was normal conversation. As if I had totally expected this type of conversation (after all... I had posted in the "casual encounters" section)! He asked to see my tattoo and offered to show me anything of his. I declined the offer but my tattoo is an a harmless location so I showed it to him. He touched it. I didn't freak out but felt that I should have. Later he was like, "You do have D titties! Can I touch them?" (He was already beginning an attempt at a squeeze.) To his benefit - he stopped when I said no. After about 15 minutes of awkward conversation (on my part... his conversations about porn and "do you eat a lot of pussy" and "are you shaved" were plentiful) I made to make my exit. And he said, "You don't want to watch me masturbate?" Umm no. "Ahhh... but I wanted to cum on you."

Thank God I'm smart enough to use a fake e-mail address.

I think it was his casual "NSA discreet hook-ups" approach to it all that really turned my stomach. Had it been one of the guys that I'm feeling out and have been feeling out for a couple of months via e-mail prior to our first meetings for "friend" potential... I don't know if the offer to witness self-gratification would have been so unwelcome.

In the meantime - I'll be a bit more careful about what I wish for.

(Though I have to admit... his saying that he would "tap that" in reference to me was a slight esteem builder.)

Huntin'

Following up - I did go on Friendster and looked at the detail of my first love's profile. She looks so happy with her husband and her son... who looks just like her. I find that slightly eerie. I did end up sending her a note. She responded and her response reminded me how dangerous it is to talk to her. She just has such a casual way of hurting me without even realizing that she can. The feelings for me are still there and I still get so upset when thinking about all of the lovers she's had since me and the life she has now.

The particular Craigslist guy who I had the brief "making love" fantasy about... sent me a more recent picture and he's much older than originally portrayed. I'm a little grossed out now.

I have since been on several outings with the Craigslist girl who I decided not to "date." Second outing was OK if not a little awkward. We hugged at the end. We went out again last night - she didn't even offer to walk me to my car or hug me... which I found weird. Now I'm wondering if she's mad or relieved or just preoccupied. We have remained in constant contact via e-mail though. I've suggested that we have a face-to-face meal. (Our first was on a bench - side to side. Our second outing, a movie. Our third outing, another movie and ice cream. We did sit in a booth while eating our ice cream and I noticed that she couldn't hold eye contact with me. Is it me? Is it her?... I'm weirded out. Making new friends is weird.)

Last night she proposed the following pact - "Sara - let's promise that if we ever answer each other's Craigslist add - the other one of us will just not respond." This makes me wonder - has she already found one of my more risque proposals online? Now I sort of want to hunt for hers.

Entree

Yesterday I sent her an e-mail asking if we could subtract the romance from the friendship. I cited my "recent breakup" and she told me that it was OK. We could just be friends. She said she'd tried to take it personally but just couldn't. (Thank goodness!)

But I'm still worried that she's attracted to me. Still worried that we'll go out, as friends, again and she'll develop more of an interest. That no matter what I feel or what she says... she'll fall for me anyway. Ego much Sara?

This morning I lay in bed and began to fantasize about making love to one of the "guy date" men. (I haven't met any of them in real life.) This one particular guy sparked that imagery - why, I don't know. But while I was envisioning nude cuddling I feel asleep and the guy became my first love in a post-coital spoon.

We dressed then and were "caught" by members of her household (no one I knew in real life) and as I left a girl whispered to the first love, "But she's so femme!"

This made me smile (as I'm not femme but pleased that new decisions to wear body-flattering clothing are adding a dash of "woman" to myself) and continued to bring a smile to my face for half the day.

In the afternoon I picked up my now-ex from the airport. The last time we'd seen each other I'd been happy to realize that her negativity annoyed me and that she looked a little worse for wear. Today, however, she was pleasant. I took her back to her parents' house (where she's staying) and she filled me in about more of her trip. I found myself looking at her ... wanting to grab a hold of her and just hug and hug and take in her scents ... wanting to kiss her and maybe more. This friendship will never work. How can it?

My friends have been telling me not to talk to her. Not to see her. To cut off all contact to bring it to it's proper end. But how can I do this? I know I don't want to be in that relationship. But the cuddling connection is soo hard to sever.

I left. I wanted a hug goodbye but knew it was going to be dangerous so I didn't even request one. I know I'm the type of girl that will string her along. Really the point of me not seeing her, in reality, is to set her free.

That night I went out with a friend who told me that my first love had sent her a note on Friendster. She showed it to me... the note included a photo which is new because her account had previously "existed" but without activity and without pictures.

Now I'm wondering if I should go on Friendster and send her a note. But that's a whole nutha novel! That woman - who still holds a portion of my soul - is now married and has a son. But I wish I could tear apart that relationship and posses her again. Yet, I know I don't really "like" her.

Drama. It's what's for dinner.