Entree

Yesterday I sent her an e-mail asking if we could subtract the romance from the friendship. I cited my "recent breakup" and she told me that it was OK. We could just be friends. She said she'd tried to take it personally but just couldn't. (Thank goodness!)

But I'm still worried that she's attracted to me. Still worried that we'll go out, as friends, again and she'll develop more of an interest. That no matter what I feel or what she says... she'll fall for me anyway. Ego much Sara?

This morning I lay in bed and began to fantasize about making love to one of the "guy date" men. (I haven't met any of them in real life.) This one particular guy sparked that imagery - why, I don't know. But while I was envisioning nude cuddling I feel asleep and the guy became my first love in a post-coital spoon.

We dressed then and were "caught" by members of her household (no one I knew in real life) and as I left a girl whispered to the first love, "But she's so femme!"

This made me smile (as I'm not femme but pleased that new decisions to wear body-flattering clothing are adding a dash of "woman" to myself) and continued to bring a smile to my face for half the day.

In the afternoon I picked up my now-ex from the airport. The last time we'd seen each other I'd been happy to realize that her negativity annoyed me and that she looked a little worse for wear. Today, however, she was pleasant. I took her back to her parents' house (where she's staying) and she filled me in about more of her trip. I found myself looking at her ... wanting to grab a hold of her and just hug and hug and take in her scents ... wanting to kiss her and maybe more. This friendship will never work. How can it?

My friends have been telling me not to talk to her. Not to see her. To cut off all contact to bring it to it's proper end. But how can I do this? I know I don't want to be in that relationship. But the cuddling connection is soo hard to sever.

I left. I wanted a hug goodbye but knew it was going to be dangerous so I didn't even request one. I know I'm the type of girl that will string her along. Really the point of me not seeing her, in reality, is to set her free.

That night I went out with a friend who told me that my first love had sent her a note on Friendster. She showed it to me... the note included a photo which is new because her account had previously "existed" but without activity and without pictures.

Now I'm wondering if I should go on Friendster and send her a note. But that's a whole nutha novel! That woman - who still holds a portion of my soul - is now married and has a son. But I wish I could tear apart that relationship and posses her again. Yet, I know I don't really "like" her.

Drama. It's what's for dinner.