E-Mail Repulsion and Other Inner Monologues

After Friday's date with HmmHmmWow I entered a phase of "Wow...What do I do now?" I guess I liked her. I could definitely see myself "making out" with her. Would it mean anything? Am I interested enough to date her? And how would that affect SoYeahUm? Do I tell her that I went on a date? I want to simply because it might give her the "back off a little" hint but I don't want to hurt her feelings. And if I make out with/fondle/kiss/etc. HmmHmmWow ... then what do I tell SoYeahUm? DO I tell SoYeahUm? I wouldn't want to offend her by suggesting that I would do stuff with HmmHmmWow but not her. But then that's the potential truth! And here I am stuck.

And I proceeded to tell a number of friends about the "hand petting" aspect of the date and not one person thought this was normal or a "lesbian thing to do" so I'm almost weirded out in retrospect.

The other thing, and I realize this is kind of stupid, is that I don't much care for HmmHmmWow's way of internet communication. SoYeahUm and I have a great e-mail conversation ability but HmmHmmWow's e-mails make me cringe a little. I don't know if its a new nervous thing with me or if there is some sort of inner repulsion thing going on that I should pay attention to.

SoYeahUm and I went to a group meeting on Sunday. The group is one that I'm a member of and invited SoYeahUm to - a group for lesbians. SoYeahUm defines herself as a bisexual but she came and shared and I might be getting a hint of her budding realization that she's just gay. But on the car ride there I told her that I'd been on a date. Actually I'd e-mailed it to her earlier with a little lie suggesting that I hadn't known it was going to be a date but it turned out to be. The car ride was just our first vocal discussion of it. Since I'd told her (via e-mail) I thought I'd spotted an ad from her on Craigslist seeking women. So she either took it well... or not well... or just realized that it was going nowhere with me other than friendship... or it wasn't a post from her (but I think it was). Our "vocal discussion" was a little awkward but not long and consisted of "so do you think you'll go out with her again?" And me saying, "Yeah I think so." After the group meeting we went out to dinner during which SoYeahUm threw out a lot of one-liner jabs at my behavior the night she got me drunk on wine. (OK she served wine... but I got myself drunk on it because I was freaked out that she wanted to make out with me.) AND APPARENTLY while she was walking me around the block to get me air she took my arm to steady me and I yelled "I DON'T KNOW YOU WELL ENOUGH!!" (I actually don't remember this.) Apparently this pissed her off (I didn't know it at the time) and she responded with coldness because she was thinking "Fuck you! Like I'm going to throw you against the wall and molest you?!" OK so maybe it pissed her off but maybe it also got my drunken message across (and it makes me giggle a little).

(If I updated daily maybe these posts wouldn't be so long.)

I also had an online chat with the Hottt girl and came to the conclusion that it was definitely not going anywhere. She was very into her husband and I am, as I initially concluded, just her little internet pet lesbian.

HmmHmmWow and I are going out tonight. She's going to take me to some West Hollywood establishments and (I think) dinner at her place. What I WANTED to say in my e-mail was something along the lines of "let's just hang at your place and see how far that takes us" but the smarter Sara said "Well I'm on a budget so what can we do for cheap?" So I think she's planning dinner at her place and then she's commited to saying some hello's at various WeHo bars (but she assures me that weirdness will be taken into account and we can leave at any time). My concern is that I've never actually been to any West Hollywood gay/lesbian bars so this will be my first time. And so, in no particular order, these are the thoughts running through my mind:

- Do I look good enough to go to a lesbian bar?
- If I look good enough, will I be hit on?
- If I'm hit on, what do I do?
- Am I with HmmHmmWow?
- Does this mean that I can't accept advances?
- What if I'm way into one of HmmHmmWow's friends?
- What if I'm hit on by one of HmmHmmWow's friends?
- What will HmmHmmWow's friends think of me?
- Can I afford this?
- Is this a friendly outing or are there intentions?
- Are they my intentions or HmmHmmWow's intentions?
- If there are intentions... am I ready for anything physical?
- I mean I have some standards about kissing... are they still valid or do I just pick and choose who these standards apply to?
- If something happens... does it MEAN something?
- Should I tell HmmHmmWow that I'm not ready for a relationship and just want a friendship... like I told SoUmmYeah??
- What if HmmHmmWow's friend's like me FOR HmmHmmWow and try to push us into something faster than we're ready for?
- If I go to WeHo bars with HmmHmmWow... this is like breaking my WeHo bar cherry and I will no longer have that as a weird sort of selling point.. my gaybar virginity. Do I want to save that for someone special? Or just someone who is NOT special so I can hit on or be hit on? And so then.. is HmmHmmWow special or NOT special??

Maybe I just need to stop thinking.

Another aspect is that when I'm nervous and meeting new people for the first time... I act a little tougher/butcher than I am really. And I know that HmmHmmWow is into "soft butches"... so she might be into me now but what about later when I'm more me? And am I into her... other than just physically? I mean I can sorta see some interest there.... but there is a slightly frightening aspect to the way she talks.

Last night HmmHmmWow called me... out of the blue... just to chat. (Did I mention that I HATE talking on the phone!?!) Maybe to prep for tonight but I lost the call in the middle and don't know how it was supposed to end. HmmHmmWow was again particularly giggly when talking to me which via phone was REALLY awkward as I heard a lot of PhhhPhhhPhhhPhhh sounds throughout the call. At one point my eyes bugged out a little and I thought WHAT THE FUCK AM I GETTING MYSELF INTO? Is she just nervous? Or is she a psycho laugher?? Will she do this ALWAYS?? (Cuz its really kinda freaky.) And there were, of course, a lot of "Hmmm Hmmm Wow"s. I almost e-mailed SoYeahUm to ask "How do I get myself out of this??"

So now I'm even more confused... still going out with HmmHmmWow tonight.... and now worried about all the above on top of the "is she a little freaky?"

And I'm wondering... what are these girls saying about me?? Cuz I'm definitely a little freaky myself.

I have this theory that everybody has a bit of a "slutty" period in there life and I'm wondering, "Am I entering my slutty period?" And my other thought is that NowEx and I are still, technically, "separated" and we're "supposed to" be trying out other people... but not necessarily other relationships. So should I purposely be trying to get as much physical action as I can? I don't know! I don't think I'm the type of girl you have one night stands with... I think I'm the type that you fall in love with. I'm just too damn charming for my own good! ;)

SoYeahUmHmmHmmWow

Things with "SoYeahUm" (as I will now refer to her) have been progressing. We've now been on several "outings" and I think I must give in to the idea that we are going on dates. We've seen several movies. I've been to her apartment several times. We've had a few short phone conversations. The awkwardness is still there, however, as I still don't feel a physical attraction to her. She continues to assert that we are just friends and will every now and then e-mail me or call me to tell me about some "hot girl" she saw at such and such a place BUT there's this pesky little thing she does now at almost the end of every outing. She e-mails me to say, "It was fun even if we didn't make out."

Which I would be inclined to take as a joke but now twice she has also tried to liquor me up while at her house. She's taken special care to ask what kind of alcohol I like and after learning that wine might make me more into "making out"... well then wine was what she served me after cooking a special meal for me.

She's also begun to suggest that she has some sort of feelings towards me. After a weekend trip she wrote me to tell me that she missed me. Things got a little awkward when I refused to say it back.

Meanwhile, there's a very pretty girl on one of my social networking sites that has taken to treating me like a little pet - giving me nicknames and telling me how cute I am and how she loves me on my comment pages. I love the attention and the girl is hotttt so I'm especially flattered but I don't know how to take it. Shall I respond with serious interest or continue to *think* that she's just enjoying me as a character? And, really, can I take it seriously? First of all - she's just sooo pretty and thus completely out of my league. Secondly, she's married and has two infant children. So obviously (though she's bi and tells me that she misses breasts incredibly) there's no serious interest, yes? But I'm still not sure how to react. So until she blatantly invites me over for a one night stand... I will continue to act like I know she's kidding. And SoYeahUm is showing signs of jealousy and talking about telling the internet girl off for paying me so much attention. How can I be like "Hey, SoYeahUm... back the fuck off! But will you still be my friend?"

And back on the ranch, NowEx and I saw each other a few times and the evenings were really sweet. I went as far as to tell some people that we were "dating" but then things turned a little sour. Yesterday we had a conversation about just not going out with each other anymore. We even decided that our friends should be notified that neither one of us really want to go out if the other will be there. And though it sounded bad... the conversation still ended well.

In a moment of frustration with SoYeahUm and after the "we won't see each other anymore for a while" conversation with NowEx, I decided to schedule a date with another CL girl. I'd sent her a note and then, after seeing her picture, kinda stopped writing her. With SoYeahUm sending me notes about missing me and making out... I got a little freaked and re-started the conversation with the new girl. She decided to ask me out for a Friday night date. I was a little surprised at the quick and suddeness but accepted it.

I didn't tell SoYeahUm or NowEx and I went out for dinner and a movie with the new girl (who I shall now call "HmmHmmWow"). I was kicking myself for the sudden date and vowing to simply not date anymore for the time being but it turned out well and she was much more attractive than her photo. HmmHmmWow was actually a bit shorter than me, a bit older and very giggly. (SoYeahUm was very giggly on our first date too... so I'm now wondering if I have that affect on girls.) Still with no proper knowledge of dating etiquette I followed her back to her apartment (we'd walked to our outings) and she invited me in. We ended up talking for hours at her kitchen table about relationships and whatnot. At about hour 2 of our conversation she asked if she could hold my hand. I found this COMPLETELY odd but she assured me that it was a lesbian thing to do so I accepted it. She was amazed with the fact that I've been pretty much in one solid lesbian relationship or another since 16 years old but had never really been to West Hollywood or its gay/lesbian establishments so I figured, with her WeHo experience, that she should be the one to introduce me to some of the L.A. lesbian culture. And apparently lesbian friendly connection begins with hand-holding. (Is this true???) So while we continued to talk she spent the time holding, petting and caressing my hand. I was really weirded out but attempted to not shake or produce palm-sweat during the entire encounter. At about 12:30 she took my other hand and spent time on both of my handly appendages. I was trapped, hands both being held, in her studio apartment staring at the big bed...

And nothing happened but we had an odd "do we kiss or cheek kiss or hug or handshake?" moment before she gave me a long lingering hug after she walked me to the car and I made the now standard weirded out odd comment "You were comfortable."

Date 1 with HmmHmmWow was much better than Date 1 with SoYeahUm on the whole. I found myself picturing our potential life together, we'd fit comfortable together, our views on sex are similar, I found her attractive, she was a petter, she gave good hug... and our garden would be excellent (she introduced me to her plants).

But now that I'm officially a "dater" I also find myself entering a weird sort of Seinfeld-like existence. When I describe the date to my friends I'll have to describe her as the "hand petter"... or maybe describe the slightly annoying (which when we fall in love will be the slightly precious until we hate each other and then it will become the REALLY annoying again) way she has of repeating "Hmm" three times or "Yeah" three times or ... you get the point.

So now I'm a date juggler I guess. And maybe I won't give up on dating just yet.