Oh yeah - I forgot to mention - Friday I IMed with her and she'd asked me to give her a "slideshow" - showing her pictures (via the "display picture") of me that she hadn't seen before. (The funny thing is that when you change the picture, everyone on the messaging service can see and SoUmYeah was online chatting with me also... and thought I was doing the slideshow for her. I didn't have the heart to tell her otherwise.)
So I showed her a bunch of different pictures of me... some decent... some that I would consider bad. And at the end I asked her if she thought my pictures looked like me. Basically I was asking if the "good" pictures were misleading or what... and she told me that I was much cuter in person. That the pictures didn't do me justice.
And so I revealed that I thought she was hotter in person. And she said, "awww" and then NOTHING ELSE.
Like - she just disappeared off the IM program... and continued to do that for the rest of the night - came back and said one thing and then disappeared again. I felt like I was left hanging! Yeah, gonna try not to do that again.
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Yeah I dunno
It's a good thing that the HotttGirl lives far from me... I mean like the occasional "dropping by" aspect of a relationship or a "let's just get coffee" scenario are not likely. Which is a plus because who knows how I would react.
I went out with HotttGirl last Saturday. Sunday I could think about nothing but her. Monday... all her. Tuesday... all her. It was disrupting sleep. It was sick. I was haunting MySpace waiting for messages... waiting for IM's.... something! I just wanted to know if she'd enjoyed Saturday. Did I disapoint her? Did she still like me? Would she still flirt with me online? What was going on?!?!? By Wednesday I was almost angry... not angry at her per se, but angry that she had disrupted my being. By Thursday I thought I was getting over it... or at least enough of my sanity was returning.
She had been sending notes all this time - they just weren't as flirty as they had been. Or they were just answers to questions or references to conversations we'd had. They weren't long. They weren't ... promising. They just were.
But then Thursday, when sanity was returning, she sent a note that said, "If I had met you before my husband... hmmmmm.... sorry that was random." WHAT THE FUCK??? I was all at once thrilled... and broken. But it was Thursday... and sanity was returning. Had it been Wednesday, I would have thrown something. Tuesday, Monday or Sunday... I don't know what would have become of me. But with some sanity came my usual standard "insecure and pretending to be funny because I'm playing dumb" humor and I just wrote back, "Well, there's always that bitter divorce to look forward to!" And I was happy. She wrote back, "I'll cross my fingers." I wrote back, "I'll cross my eyes and toes and whatever else I can. WHATEVER unavailable married lady! I'll just move on to some other women in the meantime." I was kidding, yet not. Serious, yet just joking. But I did feel better.
And then I signed on to the IM client we both use and she immediately started talking to me. (Sometimes she doesn't see me.. or isn't really there... but this time she did and was and WANTED to talk to me.) She seemed excited to see me online. She began talking about how she was stalking me and reading the profiles of my online friends. She changed her Display picture to pictures of me. I was getting high off of her attention again. She made suggestions like if we went to the mall with some other friend that he could just leave us 'laying on the floor in the center of the mall.' She again repeated that she sorta wished she'd met me before her husband. She asked me to come visit when her husband left for the army (I said I would if she promised not to pull any of her hijinks!) and even suggested that I should live with her when he leaves so she wouldn't have to be alone (I didn't respond to that one). And then she began sending me more naked pictures again. (Actually, all in all I think there are about 5. And none of them are really X-rated ... they're all just tasteful nudes with no gritty close-ups.)
So she got me... all over again! But still - if I don't see her, the better. And I've never really talked to her on the phone except for when we were planning our last Saturday meet up.
Today I IMed with her and she revealed that she'd just gotten her period. Which makes me think that she was in a weird emotional place on Thursday - leading her to be extra needy. And the IM conversations... they're so .... awkward. I mean, in person she seems intelligent and normal. And online she seems 15 ... doesn't talk about anything really intelligent... talks in "text speech" ... writing things like "Sw33t" instead of "sweet" and hasn't heard of things that I think are pretty much in the news. I just can't tell if she's smart or not. And I value intelligence... or at least I think I do. I mean, apart from ALL of the other baggage and drama... would I ever respect her?
And still she's constantly in my head...
I went out with HotttGirl last Saturday. Sunday I could think about nothing but her. Monday... all her. Tuesday... all her. It was disrupting sleep. It was sick. I was haunting MySpace waiting for messages... waiting for IM's.... something! I just wanted to know if she'd enjoyed Saturday. Did I disapoint her? Did she still like me? Would she still flirt with me online? What was going on?!?!? By Wednesday I was almost angry... not angry at her per se, but angry that she had disrupted my being. By Thursday I thought I was getting over it... or at least enough of my sanity was returning.
She had been sending notes all this time - they just weren't as flirty as they had been. Or they were just answers to questions or references to conversations we'd had. They weren't long. They weren't ... promising. They just were.
But then Thursday, when sanity was returning, she sent a note that said, "If I had met you before my husband... hmmmmm.... sorry that was random." WHAT THE FUCK??? I was all at once thrilled... and broken. But it was Thursday... and sanity was returning. Had it been Wednesday, I would have thrown something. Tuesday, Monday or Sunday... I don't know what would have become of me. But with some sanity came my usual standard "insecure and pretending to be funny because I'm playing dumb" humor and I just wrote back, "Well, there's always that bitter divorce to look forward to!" And I was happy. She wrote back, "I'll cross my fingers." I wrote back, "I'll cross my eyes and toes and whatever else I can. WHATEVER unavailable married lady! I'll just move on to some other women in the meantime." I was kidding, yet not. Serious, yet just joking. But I did feel better.
And then I signed on to the IM client we both use and she immediately started talking to me. (Sometimes she doesn't see me.. or isn't really there... but this time she did and was and WANTED to talk to me.) She seemed excited to see me online. She began talking about how she was stalking me and reading the profiles of my online friends. She changed her Display picture to pictures of me. I was getting high off of her attention again. She made suggestions like if we went to the mall with some other friend that he could just leave us 'laying on the floor in the center of the mall.' She again repeated that she sorta wished she'd met me before her husband. She asked me to come visit when her husband left for the army (I said I would if she promised not to pull any of her hijinks!) and even suggested that I should live with her when he leaves so she wouldn't have to be alone (I didn't respond to that one). And then she began sending me more naked pictures again. (Actually, all in all I think there are about 5. And none of them are really X-rated ... they're all just tasteful nudes with no gritty close-ups.)
So she got me... all over again! But still - if I don't see her, the better. And I've never really talked to her on the phone except for when we were planning our last Saturday meet up.
Today I IMed with her and she revealed that she'd just gotten her period. Which makes me think that she was in a weird emotional place on Thursday - leading her to be extra needy. And the IM conversations... they're so .... awkward. I mean, in person she seems intelligent and normal. And online she seems 15 ... doesn't talk about anything really intelligent... talks in "text speech" ... writing things like "Sw33t" instead of "sweet" and hasn't heard of things that I think are pretty much in the news. I just can't tell if she's smart or not. And I value intelligence... or at least I think I do. I mean, apart from ALL of the other baggage and drama... would I ever respect her?
And still she's constantly in my head...
Thursday, October 20, 2005
It's getting Hottt in here!
And now the tale of the HotttGirl!
I'd mentioned her in a previous post but as I thought her story began and ended - I didn't even feel the proper need to give her a psuedonym. But as she's resurfaced - I will officially be naming her the "HotttGirl."
HotttGirl and I began corresponding on MySpace about five months ago. And I use the term "corresponding" loosely. In retrospect I'm not even sure where she came from. I think she added me. I think she began commenting on my blogs and on my page. In politeness, I commented on hers in return. Common interests were reflected in each other's profiles but not as many as my other "friends" on the site. She was pregnant when we "met" and already had one daughter who was almost a year old.
And as you may have guessed from her title - she was quite attractive. Attractive in the "way out of my league" type of attractive. Not to mention - MARRIED, a MOTHER and WITH CHILD. I assumed she was straight. My comments about her attractiveness were not flirtatious - they were meant more in a comforting/soothing sort of way since she'd posted worries about her husband going to a strip club and finding other women pretty. Generally, I believed she was feeling a little self-conscious due to her pregnancy and I was being nice.
She had her baby. We continued to correspond (not big long notes - just comments on each other's pages and blogs). Maybe 2-3 months into our "friendship" she revealed that she was bi. And not bi-curious, she'd actually had a 3 year relationship with a woman. I was actually shocked. Prior to this I hadn't even thought of her in that way - I was more feeling flattered that such a HotttGirl would even talk to me. (I don't have a lot of self-confidence myself.) But now things had changed! (And it's important to note - I've always been more attracted to bi-girls.)
She began telling me about how she missed breasts and about how boys' bodyparts were scary. She started giving me pet names and leaving "you're so cute" comments on my pictures and my page. SoUmYeah began referring to her as my "MySpace Girlfriend" (and made fun of her a little.. I'm guessing she was jealous) and I was a little giddy about the attention. Once I posted a picture of myself as a kid up on the site and she took it, photomanipulated it in Photoshop and made it the background picture on her page. She left it there for at least a couple of weeks - meanwhile I was letting all my other MySpace pals know that I had a Hottt stalker. :) Again - very flattered! But then she was a mom with two babies and she could have just liked the picture because it was a toddler picture. I didn't know. As I did mention in a previous post, we IM chatted and I came to the conclusion that she was very much in love with her husband and just liked me as sort of a little pet.
So she was confusing. I still liked the attention. I thought it ended there.
She invited me to her birthday party - I couldn't go. (Mainly it was because she lives about 2 hours from me and ... well I'm just shy.)
Then about two weeks ago she sent me a picture of herself topless. I was dumbfounded. I didn't know what to do with that. I mean, what does that mean??? She's 25 now - the picture was from when she was 18. She talked a little about how she wished she could look like that again. I answered that I'm sure that the "now" was better being that she "now" had a little more meat on her and I liked more meat. She told me she liked more meat as well... and I'm definitely a "more meat" girl. I didn't know if that was a hint or just an agreement.
Then I was online one day (I rarely IM ... I prefer more time to think about what I say) and we began chatting. [On a sidenote: I noticed that on the IM client she had changed her "headline" to "I love (my cute nickname)" ... (i.e. if my screenname had been "Sara Conner"... it would have read "I love Sara Connerbutt.") And it had obviously been that way since the last time we IMed... which was probably a month prior. Which means that EVERYONE she IMed in that time would have seen that headline.] I tried to avoid the subject of the topless photo but the conversation veered towards relationship topics. She revealed that she had had a 4 year relationship with a boyfriend DURING WHICH she also maintained the 3 year relationship with the girlfriend. (The boy had initially encouraged the hook-up with the girl, thinking of threesomes like boys do.) The girl was her best friend who'd had a crush on her and she loved her too. She loved them both. She kept both. And they hated each other. To give HotttGirl bravery credit - she was actually out as bi and had a lot of people not like her for her inability to choose and settle for one or the other. Eventually the boy left her for another girl and she was heartbroken by it and dumped her girl. Then she went through a small series of bad relationships before meeting her future husband and having her two children. (She sent me a link to the only existing picture of her ex-girlfriend on the Internet - which was of her back - and she was/is a larger, butchy girl. I'm not all that butchy, in my own opinion, but it could have been my back!)
And after telling me this tale she asked me how I was with kids. At this point you should insert the sound of screeching brakes into the story. WHAAATTT DOES THAT MEAN? I mean, it could have been just a curious question that she asked while staring at a kiddo... but after all that.... I read, "I miss having two relationships at once. I need a new girl in my life. Do you want to be a mom?"
I told her, truthfully, that I was fine with kids but it was Moms that I was terrified of. True.. but it sounds funnier in the situation.
I began talking about how I was due to meet two friends' babies in the next month, I was a little worried about it, etc. etc. blah, blah, blah, while I was mid-sentence she changed her "display picture" to yet another picture of her topless. I completely lost my train of thought. A bolder lesbian would have veered the conversation to hardcore cybersex by that point - but I'm not a bolder lesbian. I'm a "humena humena omigod I don't know how to handle that so I'll change the subject" lesbian. Which I did. She enjoyed my lost train of thought. I was now cycling the phrases, "Holy shit! Oh my God! Oh my holy shit!" in my head.
Then she asked me out. She said she'd come to me or we could meet in the middle and she'd bring a baby for me to "practice" on (since I was gonna meet new babies within the month). I freaked a little. I called her "dangerous" but she promised she wasn't. I agreed to meet. We said good night until later. (In retrospect I'm wondering if my "no" to her birthday party and my lack of regular IMing came across as "hard to get" and inspired her to pursue me more.)
I proceeded to rightly freak out! I asked some buddies for their thoughts and the consensus was that she was definitely hitting on me. I later began telling the tale to HmmHmmWow and at the very beginning when I mentioned that she'd sent me a note telling me she'd missed women's bodies - HmmHmmWow said, "Sara, That's an offer!" (And I never even got to the topless photo part!)
The next day HotttGirl posted a blog about how she and her husband were making arrangements for him to enter the army. Again I freaked - was she now turning up the heat on me because she was worried about her husband leaving, worried about being alone, worried about support for her children? Or maybe she was thinking, with him gone it would be opportune time for an affair.
But maybe, I thought, I worry too much. And she really just likes me as a friend. After all - she likes 'em butch... and I don't think I come off as butch. Maybe she just wants to TALK about other girls with me.
And then we met... and I was kinda hoping that she'd either look nothing like her hottt photos or be a psycho in person... or both. But, much to my chagrin, she was hotter, nice and normal. (I only hope that I didn't come off as the psycho.) Some of our day's conversations were normal. But occasionally she'd throw in info like, "I couldn't breastfeed because I have really sensitive nipples. But breastmilk is so much sweeter than formula. My husband really liked the taste." And then she'd confuse me again... I mean, did she want me to *think* about her sensitive nipples??? Regardless... I was starting to get really jealous of Mr. HotttGirl. She sent mixed messages like, "I think my husand's gay and he calls me a fag," followed by "but when we get it on I don't like to do it in front of the kids," to "sex with women is so much nicer," to "if we don't get deployed and moved as a family I think I'll move in with my parents." This is a young marriage... but not a troubled marriage. And she's obviously in love with him. It would be so much easier if he was gay. But the mention of how often he wants to "get it on" rules that out.
I spent the day dumbfounded. And came home obsessed. Our "date" (and I never did know whether to call it that or not... but she later referred to it as a " ;) date" in an e-mail) was on Saturday and I have NOT been able to get her out of my head. I've tried not to obsessively send her notes and e-mails... but I know I've sent too many already. And it's killing me that the notes she sends back aren't immediate... and aren't long. Essentially I'm really torn up over the matter. Intelligently I know "this is a bad scene to get mixed up in." Emotionally I think "am I even being invited to get mixed up in this?" And other than that... I've been having trouble sleeping because she's haunting my dreams. I've taken to writing long update posts on the blog just to give myself something other than her to think about. This girl could break my heart in a millisecond. She's already got me in her palm. And if she just wants a friend... she's gonna inspire months of bad poetry.
And so that's where things currently lay with her. My current thinking is from a song called "Advice" - "If you want that girl, you've got to leave her." So I'm doing my best to avoid MySpace, IMs and e-mails. So far it's been like 12 hours... including my full night of insomnia.
I'd mentioned her in a previous post but as I thought her story began and ended - I didn't even feel the proper need to give her a psuedonym. But as she's resurfaced - I will officially be naming her the "HotttGirl."
HotttGirl and I began corresponding on MySpace about five months ago. And I use the term "corresponding" loosely. In retrospect I'm not even sure where she came from. I think she added me. I think she began commenting on my blogs and on my page. In politeness, I commented on hers in return. Common interests were reflected in each other's profiles but not as many as my other "friends" on the site. She was pregnant when we "met" and already had one daughter who was almost a year old.
And as you may have guessed from her title - she was quite attractive. Attractive in the "way out of my league" type of attractive. Not to mention - MARRIED, a MOTHER and WITH CHILD. I assumed she was straight. My comments about her attractiveness were not flirtatious - they were meant more in a comforting/soothing sort of way since she'd posted worries about her husband going to a strip club and finding other women pretty. Generally, I believed she was feeling a little self-conscious due to her pregnancy and I was being nice.
She had her baby. We continued to correspond (not big long notes - just comments on each other's pages and blogs). Maybe 2-3 months into our "friendship" she revealed that she was bi. And not bi-curious, she'd actually had a 3 year relationship with a woman. I was actually shocked. Prior to this I hadn't even thought of her in that way - I was more feeling flattered that such a HotttGirl would even talk to me. (I don't have a lot of self-confidence myself.) But now things had changed! (And it's important to note - I've always been more attracted to bi-girls.)
She began telling me about how she missed breasts and about how boys' bodyparts were scary. She started giving me pet names and leaving "you're so cute" comments on my pictures and my page. SoUmYeah began referring to her as my "MySpace Girlfriend" (and made fun of her a little.. I'm guessing she was jealous) and I was a little giddy about the attention. Once I posted a picture of myself as a kid up on the site and she took it, photomanipulated it in Photoshop and made it the background picture on her page. She left it there for at least a couple of weeks - meanwhile I was letting all my other MySpace pals know that I had a Hottt stalker. :) Again - very flattered! But then she was a mom with two babies and she could have just liked the picture because it was a toddler picture. I didn't know. As I did mention in a previous post, we IM chatted and I came to the conclusion that she was very much in love with her husband and just liked me as sort of a little pet.
So she was confusing. I still liked the attention. I thought it ended there.
She invited me to her birthday party - I couldn't go. (Mainly it was because she lives about 2 hours from me and ... well I'm just shy.)
Then about two weeks ago she sent me a picture of herself topless. I was dumbfounded. I didn't know what to do with that. I mean, what does that mean??? She's 25 now - the picture was from when she was 18. She talked a little about how she wished she could look like that again. I answered that I'm sure that the "now" was better being that she "now" had a little more meat on her and I liked more meat. She told me she liked more meat as well... and I'm definitely a "more meat" girl. I didn't know if that was a hint or just an agreement.
Then I was online one day (I rarely IM ... I prefer more time to think about what I say) and we began chatting. [On a sidenote: I noticed that on the IM client she had changed her "headline" to "I love (my cute nickname)" ... (i.e. if my screenname had been "Sara Conner"... it would have read "I love Sara Connerbutt.") And it had obviously been that way since the last time we IMed... which was probably a month prior. Which means that EVERYONE she IMed in that time would have seen that headline.] I tried to avoid the subject of the topless photo but the conversation veered towards relationship topics. She revealed that she had had a 4 year relationship with a boyfriend DURING WHICH she also maintained the 3 year relationship with the girlfriend. (The boy had initially encouraged the hook-up with the girl, thinking of threesomes like boys do.) The girl was her best friend who'd had a crush on her and she loved her too. She loved them both. She kept both. And they hated each other. To give HotttGirl bravery credit - she was actually out as bi and had a lot of people not like her for her inability to choose and settle for one or the other. Eventually the boy left her for another girl and she was heartbroken by it and dumped her girl. Then she went through a small series of bad relationships before meeting her future husband and having her two children. (She sent me a link to the only existing picture of her ex-girlfriend on the Internet - which was of her back - and she was/is a larger, butchy girl. I'm not all that butchy, in my own opinion, but it could have been my back!)
And after telling me this tale she asked me how I was with kids. At this point you should insert the sound of screeching brakes into the story. WHAAATTT DOES THAT MEAN? I mean, it could have been just a curious question that she asked while staring at a kiddo... but after all that.... I read, "I miss having two relationships at once. I need a new girl in my life. Do you want to be a mom?"
I told her, truthfully, that I was fine with kids but it was Moms that I was terrified of. True.. but it sounds funnier in the situation.
I began talking about how I was due to meet two friends' babies in the next month, I was a little worried about it, etc. etc. blah, blah, blah, while I was mid-sentence she changed her "display picture" to yet another picture of her topless. I completely lost my train of thought. A bolder lesbian would have veered the conversation to hardcore cybersex by that point - but I'm not a bolder lesbian. I'm a "humena humena omigod I don't know how to handle that so I'll change the subject" lesbian. Which I did. She enjoyed my lost train of thought. I was now cycling the phrases, "Holy shit! Oh my God! Oh my holy shit!" in my head.
Then she asked me out. She said she'd come to me or we could meet in the middle and she'd bring a baby for me to "practice" on (since I was gonna meet new babies within the month). I freaked a little. I called her "dangerous" but she promised she wasn't. I agreed to meet. We said good night until later. (In retrospect I'm wondering if my "no" to her birthday party and my lack of regular IMing came across as "hard to get" and inspired her to pursue me more.)
I proceeded to rightly freak out! I asked some buddies for their thoughts and the consensus was that she was definitely hitting on me. I later began telling the tale to HmmHmmWow and at the very beginning when I mentioned that she'd sent me a note telling me she'd missed women's bodies - HmmHmmWow said, "Sara, That's an offer!" (And I never even got to the topless photo part!)
The next day HotttGirl posted a blog about how she and her husband were making arrangements for him to enter the army. Again I freaked - was she now turning up the heat on me because she was worried about her husband leaving, worried about being alone, worried about support for her children? Or maybe she was thinking, with him gone it would be opportune time for an affair.
But maybe, I thought, I worry too much. And she really just likes me as a friend. After all - she likes 'em butch... and I don't think I come off as butch. Maybe she just wants to TALK about other girls with me.
And then we met... and I was kinda hoping that she'd either look nothing like her hottt photos or be a psycho in person... or both. But, much to my chagrin, she was hotter, nice and normal. (I only hope that I didn't come off as the psycho.) Some of our day's conversations were normal. But occasionally she'd throw in info like, "I couldn't breastfeed because I have really sensitive nipples. But breastmilk is so much sweeter than formula. My husband really liked the taste." And then she'd confuse me again... I mean, did she want me to *think* about her sensitive nipples??? Regardless... I was starting to get really jealous of Mr. HotttGirl. She sent mixed messages like, "I think my husand's gay and he calls me a fag," followed by "but when we get it on I don't like to do it in front of the kids," to "sex with women is so much nicer," to "if we don't get deployed and moved as a family I think I'll move in with my parents." This is a young marriage... but not a troubled marriage. And she's obviously in love with him. It would be so much easier if he was gay. But the mention of how often he wants to "get it on" rules that out.
I spent the day dumbfounded. And came home obsessed. Our "date" (and I never did know whether to call it that or not... but she later referred to it as a " ;) date" in an e-mail) was on Saturday and I have NOT been able to get her out of my head. I've tried not to obsessively send her notes and e-mails... but I know I've sent too many already. And it's killing me that the notes she sends back aren't immediate... and aren't long. Essentially I'm really torn up over the matter. Intelligently I know "this is a bad scene to get mixed up in." Emotionally I think "am I even being invited to get mixed up in this?" And other than that... I've been having trouble sleeping because she's haunting my dreams. I've taken to writing long update posts on the blog just to give myself something other than her to think about. This girl could break my heart in a millisecond. She's already got me in her palm. And if she just wants a friend... she's gonna inspire months of bad poetry.
And so that's where things currently lay with her. My current thinking is from a song called "Advice" - "If you want that girl, you've got to leave her." So I'm doing my best to avoid MySpace, IMs and e-mails. So far it's been like 12 hours... including my full night of insomnia.
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
SoUmNo
I finally decided to end the "does she like me or not" drama with SoUmYeah. She e-mailed me, one last time, "we'll make out at your place." Or something like that. I e-mailed back, "Dude!! You have crossed into my 'friends' list and I just can't think of you that way!!" She responded, "Oh, I know. I was just teasing!"
Which made my heart soar.... until I told my straight friends.
And they said, "Oh that's totally what we say when a guy says that. It's not true. It's just to save face."
So damnit! But at least she now knows that she has no chance with me!
Which made my heart soar.... until I told my straight friends.
And they said, "Oh that's totally what we say when a guy says that. It's not true. It's just to save face."
So damnit! But at least she now knows that she has no chance with me!
And then it got incestuous!
With the exception of my ex-girlfriend - all my friends are straight. So building a list of gay friends began on the Internet. Specifically, it began on Craigslist and MySpace.
I had found and added a few girls in the L.A. area to my friends list on MS. And then I answered a few ads on CL... which led to the profiles of more girls on MySpace. Some conversations ended there. Some continued.
Well the first girl I "hit it off" with and met in person for a date (my first date ever) was SoUmYeah - I met her on CL. We became, if you've read the previous entries, friends only. (Friends only in my book... I've never quite managed to figure out if she was hoping for more.)
SoUmYeah continued her adventures on CL and so did I.
I met HmmHmmWow on CL.
SoUmYeah met HikerLady - by responding to an add for a hiking buddy.
HmmHmmWow ALSO met HikerLady on CL.
SoUmYeah went on a hike with HikerLady and developed a crush on her... but couldn't quite determine whether or not she was into women. (She eventually determined that she was.)
HmmHmmWow met HikerLady... probably figured out that she was gay off the bat... hung out with her (went on dates???) but never hiked.
So ANYWAY - one night HmmHmmWow asked me to go out with her and her friends to a bar to check out a couple of singers. I was busy so I declined. HikerLady asked SoUmYeah to a bar to check out a couple of singers with her and some friends.
And thus HmmHmmWow and SoUmYeah MET each other.
I found out when SoUmYeah e-mailed me to tell me about the fun night she'd had at the mini-concert and there she'd met a girl named Glee... and wondered if it was possibly the same Glee that I'd recently mentioned. I was like "OMG You went to the same mini-concert I was supposed to go to!" And then she realized that she'd also just met the girl I was dating instead of her. And the girl I wanted to date instead of the girl I was dating. (Ya follow?) I freaked a LITTLE because I thought SoUmYeah would find HmmHmmWow odd. She claimed not to. (HmmHmmWow later wanted to know if SoUmYeah and I had had the "did you think she was cute?" conversation. We didn't. Rather, I asked SoUmYeah if HmmHmmWow was touchy with everybody... or if it was just me.)
I mean - CL and L.A. turn out to be a SMALL WORLD. Not to mention that HmmHmmWow was friends with/knew many of the L.A. girls on my MySpace profiles.
(Apparently the clubs and bars are out and MySpace is the new primary place to meet chicks.)
Later they all AGAIN met at another bar concert - again unplanned. But now SoUmYeah has added Glee and HmmHmmWow to her friends list on MySpace. And I have yet to go to a mini-concert with this new girl gang we seem to be forming.
I had found and added a few girls in the L.A. area to my friends list on MS. And then I answered a few ads on CL... which led to the profiles of more girls on MySpace. Some conversations ended there. Some continued.
Well the first girl I "hit it off" with and met in person for a date (my first date ever) was SoUmYeah - I met her on CL. We became, if you've read the previous entries, friends only. (Friends only in my book... I've never quite managed to figure out if she was hoping for more.)
SoUmYeah continued her adventures on CL and so did I.
I met HmmHmmWow on CL.
SoUmYeah met HikerLady - by responding to an add for a hiking buddy.
HmmHmmWow ALSO met HikerLady on CL.
SoUmYeah went on a hike with HikerLady and developed a crush on her... but couldn't quite determine whether or not she was into women. (She eventually determined that she was.)
HmmHmmWow met HikerLady... probably figured out that she was gay off the bat... hung out with her (went on dates???) but never hiked.
So ANYWAY - one night HmmHmmWow asked me to go out with her and her friends to a bar to check out a couple of singers. I was busy so I declined. HikerLady asked SoUmYeah to a bar to check out a couple of singers with her and some friends.
And thus HmmHmmWow and SoUmYeah MET each other.
I found out when SoUmYeah e-mailed me to tell me about the fun night she'd had at the mini-concert and there she'd met a girl named Glee... and wondered if it was possibly the same Glee that I'd recently mentioned. I was like "OMG You went to the same mini-concert I was supposed to go to!" And then she realized that she'd also just met the girl I was dating instead of her. And the girl I wanted to date instead of the girl I was dating. (Ya follow?) I freaked a LITTLE because I thought SoUmYeah would find HmmHmmWow odd. She claimed not to. (HmmHmmWow later wanted to know if SoUmYeah and I had had the "did you think she was cute?" conversation. We didn't. Rather, I asked SoUmYeah if HmmHmmWow was touchy with everybody... or if it was just me.)
I mean - CL and L.A. turn out to be a SMALL WORLD. Not to mention that HmmHmmWow was friends with/knew many of the L.A. girls on my MySpace profiles.
(Apparently the clubs and bars are out and MySpace is the new primary place to meet chicks.)
Later they all AGAIN met at another bar concert - again unplanned. But now SoUmYeah has added Glee and HmmHmmWow to her friends list on MySpace. And I have yet to go to a mini-concert with this new girl gang we seem to be forming.
More About The End
So somewhere in Date 4 or 5.... I can't remember which... HmmmHmmmWow asked me who, of her friends, I found the most attractive. I said, probably too quickly, the name of the friend I liked. (We'll call her "Glee" until a better name comes to me.) She said, "Hmmm...Hmmm...Wow. I didn't think people found Glee attractive." And I was like, "well they do."
So here's how it went down... before going out to meet HmmmHmmmWow's friends, I looked over her MySpace profile because I saw that some of the mentioned friends were on there. I read over several of the profile's and then found Glee's. Glee came off as intelligent, looked just like the type of girl I like, and had some common, namely literary, interests. I thought, "Damn. I like this girl!" So I sent her a message about something on her page. When I met her in person she answered my message but came off as a little scary... a little domineering... but damn she was just my type physically! The rest of the night was really ruined for HmmHmmWow because I now wanted Glee. (But Glee was scary... a little intimidating.)
But after I told HmmHmmWow, too quickly, that I found Glee attractive and after I told her that I didn't want to go out anymore ... I think her mind started plotting a way for Glee and I to hook up. Since she likes to act as protector and "mother" to her friends... of which I now was... instead of "potential wife."
But I digress.
What I really wanted to write about, since I promised myself I would - was a little more detail about the physical aspect of dating HmmHmmWow. Y'see... despite the fact that I didn't end up caring much for her personality (other than in a friends sort of way) I did find myself leering at her... staring at her breasts... checking out her ass... etc. Which is not really something that I'd experienced before. Maybe it was all the touching she was enforcing on me.. maybe that was her seduction method. But I really wanted to make out with her (if kissing could somehow be avoided) and possibly/probably more.
It was Date 3 when she sat on my bed, uninvited, and began to really talk about her sexual history. Of which there was a lot ... threesomes, BDSM parties, casual sex, sex with men, etc. This was not really a turn on... but then she convinced me to cuddle in the bed with her. And cuddling led her to climbing on top of me, running her fingers through my hair, holding me down while nibbling on my ears. She began talking about her strap-on and how she liked to be fucked with it. And how my submissiveness in this situation was really turning her on and making her want to fuck me with it - which is something she'd never done. (Now don't get me wrong - I wasn't exactly innocent in the situation - but I wasn't DOING anything - I was just letting her take control. I guess you can say I am or was being "the bottom.") She got herself into a strap-on fucking position and dry-humped me a little ... then lifted my legs up above her shoulders for a little more of a "this is what fucking you with a strap-on would look like" demonstration. I was turned on. She was turned on. I let her caress the skin on my stomach. I let her look to see what my bra looked like... but since it was my insecurity and innocence and inability to make a move myself that turned her on - she stopped at that. She didn't want to defile me JUST YET. The innocence aspect would work again and undoubtedly she went home and masturbated... like I did.
But the day after dates with HmmHmmWow I always thought, "I don't know if I like her. Well, I definitely don't want to settle." And we talked about that a lot. She would talk about this girl she sorta liked that started dating someone else. And she'd tell me that I was definitely in the "play" period of my life. I mean we'd talk about everyone else but the two of us.. we talked like conspiring friends. And then she'd pet me. It was all very confusing. And I just decided that friends we could maybe be... but lovers I didn't want to be.
So here's how it went down... before going out to meet HmmmHmmmWow's friends, I looked over her MySpace profile because I saw that some of the mentioned friends were on there. I read over several of the profile's and then found Glee's. Glee came off as intelligent, looked just like the type of girl I like, and had some common, namely literary, interests. I thought, "Damn. I like this girl!" So I sent her a message about something on her page. When I met her in person she answered my message but came off as a little scary... a little domineering... but damn she was just my type physically! The rest of the night was really ruined for HmmHmmWow because I now wanted Glee. (But Glee was scary... a little intimidating.)
But after I told HmmHmmWow, too quickly, that I found Glee attractive and after I told her that I didn't want to go out anymore ... I think her mind started plotting a way for Glee and I to hook up. Since she likes to act as protector and "mother" to her friends... of which I now was... instead of "potential wife."
But I digress.
What I really wanted to write about, since I promised myself I would - was a little more detail about the physical aspect of dating HmmHmmWow. Y'see... despite the fact that I didn't end up caring much for her personality (other than in a friends sort of way) I did find myself leering at her... staring at her breasts... checking out her ass... etc. Which is not really something that I'd experienced before. Maybe it was all the touching she was enforcing on me.. maybe that was her seduction method. But I really wanted to make out with her (if kissing could somehow be avoided) and possibly/probably more.
It was Date 3 when she sat on my bed, uninvited, and began to really talk about her sexual history. Of which there was a lot ... threesomes, BDSM parties, casual sex, sex with men, etc. This was not really a turn on... but then she convinced me to cuddle in the bed with her. And cuddling led her to climbing on top of me, running her fingers through my hair, holding me down while nibbling on my ears. She began talking about her strap-on and how she liked to be fucked with it. And how my submissiveness in this situation was really turning her on and making her want to fuck me with it - which is something she'd never done. (Now don't get me wrong - I wasn't exactly innocent in the situation - but I wasn't DOING anything - I was just letting her take control. I guess you can say I am or was being "the bottom.") She got herself into a strap-on fucking position and dry-humped me a little ... then lifted my legs up above her shoulders for a little more of a "this is what fucking you with a strap-on would look like" demonstration. I was turned on. She was turned on. I let her caress the skin on my stomach. I let her look to see what my bra looked like... but since it was my insecurity and innocence and inability to make a move myself that turned her on - she stopped at that. She didn't want to defile me JUST YET. The innocence aspect would work again and undoubtedly she went home and masturbated... like I did.
But the day after dates with HmmHmmWow I always thought, "I don't know if I like her. Well, I definitely don't want to settle." And we talked about that a lot. She would talk about this girl she sorta liked that started dating someone else. And she'd tell me that I was definitely in the "play" period of my life. I mean we'd talk about everyone else but the two of us.. we talked like conspiring friends. And then she'd pet me. It was all very confusing. And I just decided that friends we could maybe be... but lovers I didn't want to be.
Sunday, October 16, 2005
The End of HmmHmmWow (?)
Lots to tell! So little interest... (or maybe there is).
Let's start with HmmmHmmmWow (and I'll break it into several posts so it doesn't get overwhelming).
We went on 5 Dates.
- Date 1 - Recap - We had dinner and saw a movie. Then we went back to her place where we talked (I talked a LOT) and she handpetted me.
- Date 2 - Recap - She made me dinner at her place then we went to WeHo bars to meet her friends. I talked a lot but shut up in the bar and was quiet around her friends. The transition was a little awkward but she accepted it. The problem - I found one of her friends WAYY attractive (one of my previous "worries") and then found it hard to think about HmmHmmWow.
- Date 3 - She came to my place. I made her dinner. Things got a little "interesting" when she turned the conversation towards sex. I played innocent and virginous and the most that happened was she sorta "hard cuddled" me and made out with my ears a little. We both got heated up and turned on... but I wouldn't let it go farther. And she was turned on by my innocence.
- Date 4 - I asked her to a dance as my date (where I warned her we wouldn't dance). I was thinking "tonight may be the night I allow a kiss and maybe make out with her." (Yes, I'm a prude.) After the dance I got a little nervous and decided we should see a movie instead of going straight back to one of our places. While we waited for the time, we browsed around a book store where she allowed me to wander off and looked at her own interests. This earned her points in her favor... until she found me and gave me a hug in the middle of the store because she needed that human affection. I'm not so into PDA and I don't really have AFFECTION for her so ... points against her. Then we watched the movie... which proved to be too much tension for her. She held on to me tightly and squirmed. Points against her. We went to her place afterwards and I made a point to sit on the couch (instead of the bed). She joined me - then laid out - then attempted to have me lay next to her... while I nervously steered all conversation AWAY from doing stuff. The points against her had really bugged me... to the point of grossing me out. I just wanted to leave and I finally escaped with nothing happening.
- Date 5 - Somewhere between Date 4 and 5 I had begun hanging out with NowEx a little more frequently. Things became a little confusing. I decided that we may be close to a reconciliation. With that in mind and the weird stuff from Date 4 - I decided that all I wanted from HmmHmmWow was a physical thing... and she obviously wanted a relationship.... and I was worried about doing something I would regret (should I get back together with NowEx). I decided it was time to cut off the relationship before anything further happened. So I took her to dinner... talked to her about how things were going with NowEx (this was somewhat normal because all of our talking relationship revolved around discussions about OTHER girls), and ended with the conclusion that I didn't want to see her anymore. I thought she'd take it better than she did - but she did still insist on "one last cuddle" during which she expressed her "upset" by pulling my hair, pinching me and slapping my hands. I let her... because I felt guilty. Was my point made - I'm not sure. She seemed to still have it in her head that she was my "maybe girl." But when she left - I was ecstatic. No more HmmmHmmmWow!
But the lingering problem.... I still found her friend waayyy attractive and SO my type.
Let's start with HmmmHmmmWow (and I'll break it into several posts so it doesn't get overwhelming).
We went on 5 Dates.
- Date 1 - Recap - We had dinner and saw a movie. Then we went back to her place where we talked (I talked a LOT) and she handpetted me.
- Date 2 - Recap - She made me dinner at her place then we went to WeHo bars to meet her friends. I talked a lot but shut up in the bar and was quiet around her friends. The transition was a little awkward but she accepted it. The problem - I found one of her friends WAYY attractive (one of my previous "worries") and then found it hard to think about HmmHmmWow.
- Date 3 - She came to my place. I made her dinner. Things got a little "interesting" when she turned the conversation towards sex. I played innocent and virginous and the most that happened was she sorta "hard cuddled" me and made out with my ears a little. We both got heated up and turned on... but I wouldn't let it go farther. And she was turned on by my innocence.
- Date 4 - I asked her to a dance as my date (where I warned her we wouldn't dance). I was thinking "tonight may be the night I allow a kiss and maybe make out with her." (Yes, I'm a prude.) After the dance I got a little nervous and decided we should see a movie instead of going straight back to one of our places. While we waited for the time, we browsed around a book store where she allowed me to wander off and looked at her own interests. This earned her points in her favor... until she found me and gave me a hug in the middle of the store because she needed that human affection. I'm not so into PDA and I don't really have AFFECTION for her so ... points against her. Then we watched the movie... which proved to be too much tension for her. She held on to me tightly and squirmed. Points against her. We went to her place afterwards and I made a point to sit on the couch (instead of the bed). She joined me - then laid out - then attempted to have me lay next to her... while I nervously steered all conversation AWAY from doing stuff. The points against her had really bugged me... to the point of grossing me out. I just wanted to leave and I finally escaped with nothing happening.
- Date 5 - Somewhere between Date 4 and 5 I had begun hanging out with NowEx a little more frequently. Things became a little confusing. I decided that we may be close to a reconciliation. With that in mind and the weird stuff from Date 4 - I decided that all I wanted from HmmHmmWow was a physical thing... and she obviously wanted a relationship.... and I was worried about doing something I would regret (should I get back together with NowEx). I decided it was time to cut off the relationship before anything further happened. So I took her to dinner... talked to her about how things were going with NowEx (this was somewhat normal because all of our talking relationship revolved around discussions about OTHER girls), and ended with the conclusion that I didn't want to see her anymore. I thought she'd take it better than she did - but she did still insist on "one last cuddle" during which she expressed her "upset" by pulling my hair, pinching me and slapping my hands. I let her... because I felt guilty. Was my point made - I'm not sure. She seemed to still have it in her head that she was my "maybe girl." But when she left - I was ecstatic. No more HmmmHmmmWow!
But the lingering problem.... I still found her friend waayyy attractive and SO my type.
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