It's getting Hottt in here!

And now the tale of the HotttGirl!

I'd mentioned her in a previous post but as I thought her story began and ended - I didn't even feel the proper need to give her a psuedonym. But as she's resurfaced - I will officially be naming her the "HotttGirl."

HotttGirl and I began corresponding on MySpace about five months ago. And I use the term "corresponding" loosely. In retrospect I'm not even sure where she came from. I think she added me. I think she began commenting on my blogs and on my page. In politeness, I commented on hers in return. Common interests were reflected in each other's profiles but not as many as my other "friends" on the site. She was pregnant when we "met" and already had one daughter who was almost a year old.

And as you may have guessed from her title - she was quite attractive. Attractive in the "way out of my league" type of attractive. Not to mention - MARRIED, a MOTHER and WITH CHILD. I assumed she was straight. My comments about her attractiveness were not flirtatious - they were meant more in a comforting/soothing sort of way since she'd posted worries about her husband going to a strip club and finding other women pretty. Generally, I believed she was feeling a little self-conscious due to her pregnancy and I was being nice.

She had her baby. We continued to correspond (not big long notes - just comments on each other's pages and blogs). Maybe 2-3 months into our "friendship" she revealed that she was bi. And not bi-curious, she'd actually had a 3 year relationship with a woman. I was actually shocked. Prior to this I hadn't even thought of her in that way - I was more feeling flattered that such a HotttGirl would even talk to me. (I don't have a lot of self-confidence myself.) But now things had changed! (And it's important to note - I've always been more attracted to bi-girls.)

She began telling me about how she missed breasts and about how boys' bodyparts were scary. She started giving me pet names and leaving "you're so cute" comments on my pictures and my page. SoUmYeah began referring to her as my "MySpace Girlfriend" (and made fun of her a little.. I'm guessing she was jealous) and I was a little giddy about the attention. Once I posted a picture of myself as a kid up on the site and she took it, photomanipulated it in Photoshop and made it the background picture on her page. She left it there for at least a couple of weeks - meanwhile I was letting all my other MySpace pals know that I had a Hottt stalker. :) Again - very flattered! But then she was a mom with two babies and she could have just liked the picture because it was a toddler picture. I didn't know. As I did mention in a previous post, we IM chatted and I came to the conclusion that she was very much in love with her husband and just liked me as sort of a little pet.

So she was confusing. I still liked the attention. I thought it ended there.

She invited me to her birthday party - I couldn't go. (Mainly it was because she lives about 2 hours from me and ... well I'm just shy.)

Then about two weeks ago she sent me a picture of herself topless. I was dumbfounded. I didn't know what to do with that. I mean, what does that mean??? She's 25 now - the picture was from when she was 18. She talked a little about how she wished she could look like that again. I answered that I'm sure that the "now" was better being that she "now" had a little more meat on her and I liked more meat. She told me she liked more meat as well... and I'm definitely a "more meat" girl. I didn't know if that was a hint or just an agreement.

Then I was online one day (I rarely IM ... I prefer more time to think about what I say) and we began chatting. [On a sidenote: I noticed that on the IM client she had changed her "headline" to "I love (my cute nickname)" ... (i.e. if my screenname had been "Sara Conner"... it would have read "I love Sara Connerbutt.") And it had obviously been that way since the last time we IMed... which was probably a month prior. Which means that EVERYONE she IMed in that time would have seen that headline.] I tried to avoid the subject of the topless photo but the conversation veered towards relationship topics. She revealed that she had had a 4 year relationship with a boyfriend DURING WHICH she also maintained the 3 year relationship with the girlfriend. (The boy had initially encouraged the hook-up with the girl, thinking of threesomes like boys do.) The girl was her best friend who'd had a crush on her and she loved her too. She loved them both. She kept both. And they hated each other. To give HotttGirl bravery credit - she was actually out as bi and had a lot of people not like her for her inability to choose and settle for one or the other. Eventually the boy left her for another girl and she was heartbroken by it and dumped her girl. Then she went through a small series of bad relationships before meeting her future husband and having her two children. (She sent me a link to the only existing picture of her ex-girlfriend on the Internet - which was of her back - and she was/is a larger, butchy girl. I'm not all that butchy, in my own opinion, but it could have been my back!)

And after telling me this tale she asked me how I was with kids. At this point you should insert the sound of screeching brakes into the story. WHAAATTT DOES THAT MEAN? I mean, it could have been just a curious question that she asked while staring at a kiddo... but after all that.... I read, "I miss having two relationships at once. I need a new girl in my life. Do you want to be a mom?"

I told her, truthfully, that I was fine with kids but it was Moms that I was terrified of. True.. but it sounds funnier in the situation.

I began talking about how I was due to meet two friends' babies in the next month, I was a little worried about it, etc. etc. blah, blah, blah, while I was mid-sentence she changed her "display picture" to yet another picture of her topless. I completely lost my train of thought. A bolder lesbian would have veered the conversation to hardcore cybersex by that point - but I'm not a bolder lesbian. I'm a "humena humena omigod I don't know how to handle that so I'll change the subject" lesbian. Which I did. She enjoyed my lost train of thought. I was now cycling the phrases, "Holy shit! Oh my God! Oh my holy shit!" in my head.

Then she asked me out. She said she'd come to me or we could meet in the middle and she'd bring a baby for me to "practice" on (since I was gonna meet new babies within the month). I freaked a little. I called her "dangerous" but she promised she wasn't. I agreed to meet. We said good night until later. (In retrospect I'm wondering if my "no" to her birthday party and my lack of regular IMing came across as "hard to get" and inspired her to pursue me more.)

I proceeded to rightly freak out! I asked some buddies for their thoughts and the consensus was that she was definitely hitting on me. I later began telling the tale to HmmHmmWow and at the very beginning when I mentioned that she'd sent me a note telling me she'd missed women's bodies - HmmHmmWow said, "Sara, That's an offer!" (And I never even got to the topless photo part!)

The next day HotttGirl posted a blog about how she and her husband were making arrangements for him to enter the army. Again I freaked - was she now turning up the heat on me because she was worried about her husband leaving, worried about being alone, worried about support for her children? Or maybe she was thinking, with him gone it would be opportune time for an affair.

But maybe, I thought, I worry too much. And she really just likes me as a friend. After all - she likes 'em butch... and I don't think I come off as butch. Maybe she just wants to TALK about other girls with me.

And then we met... and I was kinda hoping that she'd either look nothing like her hottt photos or be a psycho in person... or both. But, much to my chagrin, she was hotter, nice and normal. (I only hope that I didn't come off as the psycho.) Some of our day's conversations were normal. But occasionally she'd throw in info like, "I couldn't breastfeed because I have really sensitive nipples. But breastmilk is so much sweeter than formula. My husband really liked the taste." And then she'd confuse me again... I mean, did she want me to *think* about her sensitive nipples??? Regardless... I was starting to get really jealous of Mr. HotttGirl. She sent mixed messages like, "I think my husand's gay and he calls me a fag," followed by "but when we get it on I don't like to do it in front of the kids," to "sex with women is so much nicer," to "if we don't get deployed and moved as a family I think I'll move in with my parents." This is a young marriage... but not a troubled marriage. And she's obviously in love with him. It would be so much easier if he was gay. But the mention of how often he wants to "get it on" rules that out.

I spent the day dumbfounded. And came home obsessed. Our "date" (and I never did know whether to call it that or not... but she later referred to it as a " ;) date" in an e-mail) was on Saturday and I have NOT been able to get her out of my head. I've tried not to obsessively send her notes and e-mails... but I know I've sent too many already. And it's killing me that the notes she sends back aren't immediate... and aren't long. Essentially I'm really torn up over the matter. Intelligently I know "this is a bad scene to get mixed up in." Emotionally I think "am I even being invited to get mixed up in this?" And other than that... I've been having trouble sleeping because she's haunting my dreams. I've taken to writing long update posts on the blog just to give myself something other than her to think about. This girl could break my heart in a millisecond. She's already got me in her palm. And if she just wants a friend... she's gonna inspire months of bad poetry.

And so that's where things currently lay with her. My current thinking is from a song called "Advice" - "If you want that girl, you've got to leave her." So I'm doing my best to avoid MySpace, IMs and e-mails. So far it's been like 12 hours... including my full night of insomnia.