I just had to post this because I found it amusing.
SoYeahUm has now hung out with HmmHmmWow's friends a couple of times (going to the lesbian clubs) and one of them told her (SoYeahUm) jokingly that HmmHmmWow meets all her friends by dating them.
We both got a good giggle out of that since I met HmmHmmWow on a date! :)
SoYeahUm and I have decided we're good sexual confidants. By this I mean that she's telling me about some of her Craigslist ads and I've told her about some of mine. (Though I haven't posted any since my date with HmmHmmWow.) No one else in my life have I told about these ads! (And y'all readin' this don't count.)
And even funnier - SoYeahUm posted a new ad for women and one of three responses she got was from HmmHmmWow!! I've been sworn to secrecy. I'm now trying to see if I can convince SoYeahUm to date HmmHmmWow... cuz that would entertain me. But she won't go for it because "HmmHmmWow is too clingy!"
In other news, HotttGirl's husband left for boot camp and she's bitched to me about his "bastardness" a couple of times. She posted a new comment under a new MySpace picture saying, "You are so cute!!! It's not fair!!!!" But then she went and posted two new blogs about how much she misses her bastard husband. SoYeahUm is now telling me to just go down to her town and make out with her and get it over with. It really would be nicer (or that much more dangerous) if she lived 2 hours closer.
And in OTHER other news.... NowEx came over yesterday after playing pool with a mutual friend. She'd had a couple of drinks so she was in a "mood" and asked if it was OK to kiss me. Eh. I let her have some kisses because it was nice and comfortable. Nothing of the "french" variety. She spent the night and cuddled. (Sounds interesting but it's not all that... she just was too tired to drive home. She fell asleep right away and woke up somewhere around 5am to leave in time to get to work.)
For the first time I showed her a picture of HotttGirl's baby daughters (because they're so cute and NowEx loves babies). It was her first time hearing about HotttGirl period. I just referred to her as a friend. I implied nothing. (What really is there to imply?)
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Monday, November 14, 2005
Fool me twice - shame on me.
Spending time with my NowEx always ends bad. We're still best friends (so we say... or so I say) and we can still have a great time hanging out with each other. However, it always seems to end in her crying. Each time I think, "This time will be different!" And each time she cries at the end of the day. Then I say to myself, "OK... we can't be friends. It's just that simple." And then I forget and we hang out again because she's fun... and then she cries.
She cries because she misses me. She cries because I don't seem to miss her. She cries because she's on her own. Etc. Etc.
This week she was pissed because one of those e-mail surveys went around (i.e., What's your favorite color? Soda? Movie? When's the last time you cried? Etc.) and for the crying question I wrote that the last time I'd cried was a month ago. I thought I was actually being generous because the month ago cry was maybe a moment of a few tears. The last REALLY GOOD CRY was back in July.
NowEx got mad when she read that (and didn't tell me until today) because I hadn't cried more in the last month.
I mean - you'd think I should. The relationship that we'd ended had lasted for almost six years (if not more) and our split really sort of is like a divorce. But I've got no tears. I mean - that's really telling. That I was able to shut off those emotions so quickly (and I mean I shut off the "love") means that it wasn't really real for me the whole time.
I can tell you, honestly, that I never fell in love with my NowEx. She was my rebound after my first love in high school. We broke up (I broke up with her) when I was in college. And after college we just sorta fell into a relationship again primarily because we couldn't be "just friends" because there was too much sexual tension.
I was her first love, however. So there's always been a lot of pressure on me (at least in my mind) to love her and stay with her because I worried that she'd fall apart without me. (For more than just the "first love" reason but that was one of them.)
In April she broke up with me. I was upset. She took some time to think about it and came back with an offer to rekindle and I said, "No!" I wanted to actually do a full break up (I'd had a tendency to break up with her almost once a year and then work it out) and really test the waters without her. So we started sleeping apart (that didn't work because I hated sleeping in the new place and felt the big bed was as much mine... and we liked snuggling too much), packed up all of our things, ended our lease and moved out.
My breakup with her has been like a huge weight off of my shoulders. I keep saying its a "separation" and everybody assumes we're getting back together eventually but this is all because I'm too fucking nice. I love her - she's my best friend - I want to keep her around and never ever do I want to hurt her ... but after all this time I still end evenings with her crying because I'm not affected enough by the breakup.
If I had the balls I'd just say, "Goddamnit! I'm too young to settle and live the rest of my life without romance or sex!"
Because it had come to that.... she was too self-consious about her performance and her own body - sex was never enjoyable.
Sure back in high school it was great - this was for two reasons. 1) I was a giver because I hadn't learned how to enjoy sex yet, really. 2) She really seemed to enjoy what I gave - and in turn that turned me on.
She admitted, a year or more into the second relationship, that all those orgasms in relationship 1 - she'd faked. What the hell? Actually there were a lot of things in relationship 1 that she'd lied about or faked.... to the point where I can say that relationship 1 (which was only about 4 months long) was completely based on fiction. (Not to mention, it was a rebound for me and I was still madly in love with my first love.)
A year or so into Relationship 2 I brought the issue up - she agreed to work on it with me. We went to a "toy" store and bought some videos, a costume, some machinery, etc. Well the machinery was great and a "sex day" we'd scheduled went off well... but we couldn't keep it up. I got to the point that when we did have sex I had to close my eyes so I could imagine someone else.
Maybe this is normal. Maybe this is just what they call the "lesbian bed death." I don't know but I really did feel that I was far too young to say, "OK that's it! I'll never have sex again."
But it wasn't just sex - it was romance. I never really felt romantic with NowEx the way I had with FirstLove. Maybe that's normal - I don't know. And maybe I did and I just can't remember now.
Tonight NowEx called (after our day together) and explained some of the many reasons why she was upset with me and I said, "You know, maybe the reason I'm not so upset is because I don't feel like I've lost anything. We're still friends. We still have fun. And that's all that I felt was there in the relationship anyway - we'd just become best friends." She got upset and hung up after that.
Already she's stated that doesn't want me back.... but for stating that she sure does spend a lot of time trying to figure out why I'm not upset and what needs to be done to fix us and about potential futures for us.
I think I still lead her on though, simply by just being nice.
So now I'm venting here... this is a usual vent that's in my head when she gets all moody and expects me to be sad. I did my sad. But I always had one foot out the door... she accused me of just being in the relationship because it was convenient and of just waiting around for something better to come along. I always thought, "Fuck, she's reading my mind!" but always said, "Oh nononono... that's not how I feel at all."
If I wasn't such a pussy I wouldn't have wasted this much of our time.
She cries because she misses me. She cries because I don't seem to miss her. She cries because she's on her own. Etc. Etc.
This week she was pissed because one of those e-mail surveys went around (i.e., What's your favorite color? Soda? Movie? When's the last time you cried? Etc.) and for the crying question I wrote that the last time I'd cried was a month ago. I thought I was actually being generous because the month ago cry was maybe a moment of a few tears. The last REALLY GOOD CRY was back in July.
NowEx got mad when she read that (and didn't tell me until today) because I hadn't cried more in the last month.
I mean - you'd think I should. The relationship that we'd ended had lasted for almost six years (if not more) and our split really sort of is like a divorce. But I've got no tears. I mean - that's really telling. That I was able to shut off those emotions so quickly (and I mean I shut off the "love") means that it wasn't really real for me the whole time.
I can tell you, honestly, that I never fell in love with my NowEx. She was my rebound after my first love in high school. We broke up (I broke up with her) when I was in college. And after college we just sorta fell into a relationship again primarily because we couldn't be "just friends" because there was too much sexual tension.
I was her first love, however. So there's always been a lot of pressure on me (at least in my mind) to love her and stay with her because I worried that she'd fall apart without me. (For more than just the "first love" reason but that was one of them.)
In April she broke up with me. I was upset. She took some time to think about it and came back with an offer to rekindle and I said, "No!" I wanted to actually do a full break up (I'd had a tendency to break up with her almost once a year and then work it out) and really test the waters without her. So we started sleeping apart (that didn't work because I hated sleeping in the new place and felt the big bed was as much mine... and we liked snuggling too much), packed up all of our things, ended our lease and moved out.
My breakup with her has been like a huge weight off of my shoulders. I keep saying its a "separation" and everybody assumes we're getting back together eventually but this is all because I'm too fucking nice. I love her - she's my best friend - I want to keep her around and never ever do I want to hurt her ... but after all this time I still end evenings with her crying because I'm not affected enough by the breakup.
If I had the balls I'd just say, "Goddamnit! I'm too young to settle and live the rest of my life without romance or sex!"
Because it had come to that.... she was too self-consious about her performance and her own body - sex was never enjoyable.
Sure back in high school it was great - this was for two reasons. 1) I was a giver because I hadn't learned how to enjoy sex yet, really. 2) She really seemed to enjoy what I gave - and in turn that turned me on.
She admitted, a year or more into the second relationship, that all those orgasms in relationship 1 - she'd faked. What the hell? Actually there were a lot of things in relationship 1 that she'd lied about or faked.... to the point where I can say that relationship 1 (which was only about 4 months long) was completely based on fiction. (Not to mention, it was a rebound for me and I was still madly in love with my first love.)
A year or so into Relationship 2 I brought the issue up - she agreed to work on it with me. We went to a "toy" store and bought some videos, a costume, some machinery, etc. Well the machinery was great and a "sex day" we'd scheduled went off well... but we couldn't keep it up. I got to the point that when we did have sex I had to close my eyes so I could imagine someone else.
Maybe this is normal. Maybe this is just what they call the "lesbian bed death." I don't know but I really did feel that I was far too young to say, "OK that's it! I'll never have sex again."
But it wasn't just sex - it was romance. I never really felt romantic with NowEx the way I had with FirstLove. Maybe that's normal - I don't know. And maybe I did and I just can't remember now.
Tonight NowEx called (after our day together) and explained some of the many reasons why she was upset with me and I said, "You know, maybe the reason I'm not so upset is because I don't feel like I've lost anything. We're still friends. We still have fun. And that's all that I felt was there in the relationship anyway - we'd just become best friends." She got upset and hung up after that.
Already she's stated that doesn't want me back.... but for stating that she sure does spend a lot of time trying to figure out why I'm not upset and what needs to be done to fix us and about potential futures for us.
I think I still lead her on though, simply by just being nice.
So now I'm venting here... this is a usual vent that's in my head when she gets all moody and expects me to be sad. I did my sad. But I always had one foot out the door... she accused me of just being in the relationship because it was convenient and of just waiting around for something better to come along. I always thought, "Fuck, she's reading my mind!" but always said, "Oh nononono... that's not how I feel at all."
If I wasn't such a pussy I wouldn't have wasted this much of our time.
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Holiday
I went on a vacation last week! I spent some time on the east coast with friends there and I declared (to another MySpace buddy) before I left that if HotttGirl did not leave me a message, post a comment or send an e-mail about how she missed me by the time I came back - then I would officially give up on her. (And I thought about her every damn day I was gone... I managed to avoid MySpace... but talked about her and showed one of my friends a picture of her. He declared, "Damn! I wouldn't usually advocate being a homewrecker but damn! She's hot! Go for it!" Which strangely seems to be the consensus... at least of the people I'm paying attention to.) :)
When I returned there were two such "I miss you" messages from her. Damn!
The other day there was some silly bulletin post about "repost this if you like someone and want to straight up chill, nap, cuddle, spend time with, make out with, etc. with them." I thought, "What the hell?!" and posted it with the subject line (as suggested by the bulletin) "I like her." HotttGirl responded right away (I was half hoping she'd see it and half hoping she'd miss it) and said, "Awww! Was that for NowEx?" I thought for a moment that I should ignore the note or lie but I chose instead to respond sort of kiddingly so she wouldn't necessarily know that I have this huge crush on her. I answered, "No, it was for you NumbNuts! Because I wanted to straight up chill with you!" Followed by a smiley emoticon of course.
She responded, "Just chill? Grumble Grumble"
Then she reposted that same bulletin and gave it the subject "I Love RefriedLesBean" and added the note to the top on the inside of the post, "I hope it's OK if I want to do more than chill with you."
Now for those of you not familiar with MySpace - a "bulletin" gets posted in a place where EVERYBODY on your friends list can see the message. It's like sending an e-mail to all of your contacts at once.
I gave in a little and sent a note to her after that telling her that sometimes she makes me all "wobbly."
She giveth and then she taketh away. There's this silly new little clique-ish sort of thing on MySpace now. Previously your friends list just showed the first 8 people in your list (8 random friends) but now you can pick which 8 friends show. As a result there is all this silly drama about who gets picked as your #1 friend and etc. I was HotttGirl's #1 friend but then she created a MySpace profile for her husband and made him her #1. I took that as a sign. (She was actually my #4, with SoUmmYeah ahead of her, but I swapped them today because SoUmmYeah said I should. Actually she said, "Oh my God! Just put her ahead of me already! Gawd!" So I did.)
The following day HotttGirl posted a blog entry about how she's been nervous, anxious and having nightmares because her husband was going to be signing/turning in his final papers to enlist in the Army. And how she's terrified of being alone. And how is she going to raise her babies herself. Etc. Etc.
Red flags and sirens again. OK maybe she just likes me because she's hoping I'll fill some sort of void and make her less lonely.
Really there are an abundance of red flags and I still seem to be ignoring them. I'll never be able to say that I didn't know what I was getting into (if I get into anything).
Meanwhile - she still took some shared pictures of me from my vacation and saved them to her computer and changed her MSN Messenger name to "I love RefriedLesbean" again. I've gotta say - the girl's got balls. I'd never be bold enough to do that.
In other news - I came back to find that SoUmmYeah had gone to a particular lesbian bar, that I'd been stressing about going to because HmmHmmWow keeps asking me to go, without me. Which is fine except that I'd asked her to come with me as friend protection but now it won't be new to her. Then as she told me about the experience I realized that she hadn't gone alone. I got a little excited, thinking she'd gone with a date, and asked who she went with. Then she told me that she'd gone with HmmHmmWow. The conversation got a little weird after that. I think she was worried that I'd be upset about her seeing HmmHmmWow behind my back but really I was just in a "dang - she's stealing my friends" moment. She's also apparently been e-mailing with Glee and inviting HmmHmmWow to other things. Actually that's totally fine with me - but I can tell SoUmmYeah thinks that there might be something between me and HmmHmmWow and that she might be in a strange relationship zone. Which there isn't anything between us... at least not on my end. However every once in a while HmmmHmmmWow will e-mail me to tell me that she's been on a few dates but hasn't had sex. I'm not sure why I'm on her sex update list.
And back at the ranch - I seem to be getting a lot of invites (are they asking me out??) from a variety of MySpace girls. Some cute - some not so cute. All bold enough to invite me out. I haven't managed to be available for one yet maybe soon. Some of them are really cute.
Thursday I have an appointment with a psychic who is supposed to be excellent. I hear she helps the Los Angeles Police Department with cases. I'll probably ask her about the usual - career and romance. I predict that she'll see something in my future about HotttGirl and a broken heart.
When I returned there were two such "I miss you" messages from her. Damn!
The other day there was some silly bulletin post about "repost this if you like someone and want to straight up chill, nap, cuddle, spend time with, make out with, etc. with them." I thought, "What the hell?!" and posted it with the subject line (as suggested by the bulletin) "I like her." HotttGirl responded right away (I was half hoping she'd see it and half hoping she'd miss it) and said, "Awww! Was that for NowEx?" I thought for a moment that I should ignore the note or lie but I chose instead to respond sort of kiddingly so she wouldn't necessarily know that I have this huge crush on her. I answered, "No, it was for you NumbNuts! Because I wanted to straight up chill with you!" Followed by a smiley emoticon of course.
She responded, "Just chill? Grumble Grumble"
Then she reposted that same bulletin and gave it the subject "I Love RefriedLesBean" and added the note to the top on the inside of the post, "I hope it's OK if I want to do more than chill with you."
Now for those of you not familiar with MySpace - a "bulletin" gets posted in a place where EVERYBODY on your friends list can see the message. It's like sending an e-mail to all of your contacts at once.
I gave in a little and sent a note to her after that telling her that sometimes she makes me all "wobbly."
She giveth and then she taketh away. There's this silly new little clique-ish sort of thing on MySpace now. Previously your friends list just showed the first 8 people in your list (8 random friends) but now you can pick which 8 friends show. As a result there is all this silly drama about who gets picked as your #1 friend and etc. I was HotttGirl's #1 friend but then she created a MySpace profile for her husband and made him her #1. I took that as a sign. (She was actually my #4, with SoUmmYeah ahead of her, but I swapped them today because SoUmmYeah said I should. Actually she said, "Oh my God! Just put her ahead of me already! Gawd!" So I did.)
The following day HotttGirl posted a blog entry about how she's been nervous, anxious and having nightmares because her husband was going to be signing/turning in his final papers to enlist in the Army. And how she's terrified of being alone. And how is she going to raise her babies herself. Etc. Etc.
Red flags and sirens again. OK maybe she just likes me because she's hoping I'll fill some sort of void and make her less lonely.
Really there are an abundance of red flags and I still seem to be ignoring them. I'll never be able to say that I didn't know what I was getting into (if I get into anything).
Meanwhile - she still took some shared pictures of me from my vacation and saved them to her computer and changed her MSN Messenger name to "I love RefriedLesbean" again. I've gotta say - the girl's got balls. I'd never be bold enough to do that.
In other news - I came back to find that SoUmmYeah had gone to a particular lesbian bar, that I'd been stressing about going to because HmmHmmWow keeps asking me to go, without me. Which is fine except that I'd asked her to come with me as friend protection but now it won't be new to her. Then as she told me about the experience I realized that she hadn't gone alone. I got a little excited, thinking she'd gone with a date, and asked who she went with. Then she told me that she'd gone with HmmHmmWow. The conversation got a little weird after that. I think she was worried that I'd be upset about her seeing HmmHmmWow behind my back but really I was just in a "dang - she's stealing my friends" moment. She's also apparently been e-mailing with Glee and inviting HmmHmmWow to other things. Actually that's totally fine with me - but I can tell SoUmmYeah thinks that there might be something between me and HmmHmmWow and that she might be in a strange relationship zone. Which there isn't anything between us... at least not on my end. However every once in a while HmmmHmmmWow will e-mail me to tell me that she's been on a few dates but hasn't had sex. I'm not sure why I'm on her sex update list.
And back at the ranch - I seem to be getting a lot of invites (are they asking me out??) from a variety of MySpace girls. Some cute - some not so cute. All bold enough to invite me out. I haven't managed to be available for one yet maybe soon. Some of them are really cute.
Thursday I have an appointment with a psychic who is supposed to be excellent. I hear she helps the Los Angeles Police Department with cases. I'll probably ask her about the usual - career and romance. I predict that she'll see something in my future about HotttGirl and a broken heart.
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