Disintegration

Updates have been lacking but what could I possibly tell you? It's been pretty much the same except that time has passed. And with time comes some ease around Franco (which, by the way, turns out to be just a dumb codename but for lack of a better one - it shall remain the same). I'm still hurt. I'm still a little angry. But the mass depression, the sleeplessness, the anxiety is for the most part gone. In its place is a degree of numbness but I still think of her every night and wake up thinking of her.

She's gotten a little easier with the communication with me though - she's arranged a couple of on the sly phone calls from her office, some instant messaging evenings, occasional emails and regular texts. She stops and then she starts. She goes through guilt and then cycles back to not caring. But we don't flirt. We don't do anything wrong. We just catch up and talk and ... well I try to flirt a little. I try to connect on that romantic level... but it's rather pathetic even though she is receptive.

Briefly some bad things were happening in her life. Her brother-in-law got in a car accident. Her father got diagnosed with cancer. And she thought these things were somehow karmically related to her affair. I told her she was being silly.. "Karma," I said, "wouldn't punish other people." Besides, we were honest with our souls so I don't believe we deserve karmic punishment.

And then her eyes started going fuzzy. We hoped it was just stress and too much reading on her part (she's in a class where she reads 2-3 books a week) but she went to check it out anyway. We already knew she had a bad eye that was potentially going to go blind one day and I prayed that it wouldn't be going bad. She went to the eye doctor - nothing. But he was concerned so he sent her to a different kind of doctor. They did tests and were disturbed by the results - there seemed to be something wrong with her brain. Thinking it might be a tumor she was rushed to have a cat scan. It came back negative but there was still something wrong so they did more and more tests. All the while she was worried. I was worried. I prayed. I cried. I worried... what if she had a brain tumor?!! What if she was dying?? What if she did go blind - our only communication now is through secret emails/texts/ims - what happens if she can no longer read them?

Well after a series of tests it did come back Friday that she has MS. Fuck.

My first worry is that she's going to come back at me and say, "Well this is happening to me. Now I really really believe I'm being punished." And I can't argue anymore. Right now I'm angry at fate. Angry at God. I'm feeling as if this thing is being done to us. To me.

Like the only thing that keeps me going somedays is that hope that maybe one day she will come back to me. Maybe after a divorce or maybe 30 years from now after her life has lived out with him. But now - she has a disease. A disease that, if she lives that long, will have her come back to me as a completely different and disabled person. And one of the things I read was about the sexual disfunctions of a person with MS - either they have too much with strangers (could her interest in me be only an early symptom?) or they can lose interest. So here's this girl that was exactly everything I wanted in a sexual companion - perfectly sexually compatible.... and if she ever does come back there's this chance she won't be interested. A small thing compared to the other things that could go wrong but I still feel like that would be one big huge cruel joke.

I don't know that I'd even be a big enough person to be able to handle a girlfriend with disease. Not like it's an option right now but these are the things that run through my head. What if she says "I'm not going to live the rest of my life as a lie" and she comes to me? Could I handle watching her disintegrate? Was our break-up a blessing in disguise?

But I still believe fate had a big hand in our meeting. And I don't think it was just to play a big joke on us so maybe there is a big lesson for me in this. Or something I can do that will help. Again... I can see the benefits that she gets out of having any kind of relationship with me but I don't see what I get. Again I feel like a pawn in the life of Franco.

And I'm just sad. And freaked out. And I don't know how to hold her hand when no one is holding mine. I tried to tell a local friend and her response was, "Good, I hope she dies!" I get that she's being protective but I still love this woman and I'm good and devastated right now. Or am I? Is it just a good story?

Knowing that I need a certain level of intimacy in my life right now... and knowing that I'm not getting it from my current friends (my own fault, I know, but still)... I've again put up an ad on Craigslist seeking "teddy bears." I've been regularly chatting with a woman and her male roommate to this end - maybe this time I won't chicken out and by the new year I'll actually have non-sexual relationships with people that I can just be cuddly with. I need hugs. I need shoulders to cry on.

The Anger Stage

Oh so much happens in such a short period of time.

Suffice it to say that I seem to have entered the "angry" period. Well actually I entered it and then I was in it and then ... now ... I don't know what I'm in now.

Since the last post -

- Franco got nicer, sending me a few unsolicited and "of her own volition" texts about how she missed her best friend. Each thing would last me a day but I always woke up with a new sadness/thought/anger.

- I woke up a week ago Saturday with the feeling "Shit. Franco keeps saying "in a perfect world I would be hers to hold forever." And I suddenly realize that in her 'perfect world' she'd get to have me AND her husband." After NOT contacting her all day I received a nice note from her about how I was her one of her only real friends and I proceeded to GO OFF on her with the above theory and certain other things I was angry/upset about. She didn't reply and I continued to text on a mad texting spree.... eventually I realized she wasn't there and after walking three "angry" laps around the park I calmed down and she returned. She revealed that after her texts she turns the phone off and leaves because she's "not supposed to be talking to me."

- Sunday I woke up with the fear that "SHE'S GOING TO GET PREGNANT!" I don't know why I had that thought but it was horrible and it enraged me. She often spoke of how she didn't want another baby because the one she has was really really difficult when he was younger and she really didn't think she could handle her husband and a baby again (because he was horrible at handling it). But suddenly I just thought "She's having all this make-up sex and she's going to forget to take her pill and end up pregnant and she's going to be further tied into this life and further and further away from me. Plus I just don't need that actual proof that all the sex is happening. I'll just die." So I texted her something stupid about how she better not get pregnant. I expected her to respond with something reassuring like, "You know I don't want another kid." But instead she wrote back, "Why?" Which was like a practical admission that she was already knocked up!! GRRRRR.

- Monday I didn't contact her until I drove by something that we'd discussed once. I sent her a note about how I'd driven by this landmark. Friendly. Short. Nothing else. And then I was in a meeting. And while in the meeting she called me! SHE CALLED ME! And I couldn't answer the damn phone because I was in this meeting! Well I told her that I couldn't talk but that the meeting was almost over so she said I could call her back. When I got out - I called - and it went direct to voicemail. About a half hour later I got a text from her saying that she was "overcome with guilt" and had turned off the phone. I was peeved but I told her to "try again" the next day.

- Tuesday I awoke to texts from her telling me that her husband had chewed her out for the texts she'd been sending to me so a phone call was out of the question and she couldn't text anymore either. I thought I was getting better but the prospect of her disappearing from my life completely was unbearable and I started begging her to not stop. Begging... pretty sad. And then I was angry again and texting harsher things. She finally revealed that, while I honestly thought that she'd chosen her husband because she was scared of what he had become and because of the life and family "peer pressure" that was all around her, instead something had "clicked" in her the day he was arrested. She'd led me to believe that she was going to end things with me for the moment so that she could settle things with him in a calmer manner. In reality, when he got arrested she saw in him the "man she fell in love with" and chose him because she realized how much she loved him. "Not because I don't love you but because I love him too," was what she said. And in that moment I guess I finally finally FINALLY realized that it was over and that she'd just said certain things to make me happy. In the end I asked her to please just call once to give me a fucking proper goodbye instead of this texting shit. She agreed to do it on her way home in the evening so I spent my day making a bullet-pointed list of things I wanted to say to her if this was going to be our last conversation.

- She called and she was COLD. She was bitchy. She said some pretty fucked up things like that rather than being also sad about our ended relationship, she was instead "relieved." RELIEVED??!?! I get it though - she was relieved that not talking to me meant she didn't have to lie about talking to me. Though recently she'd begun lying again because of the texts and she felt horribly guilty about it. She also said that her and her husband were back to the way they were right after they got married. Wonderful... a honeymoon period. I told her about how everything still had little remnants of her attached to it and that I was struggling to take back my power over little things and she said, "You've just got to move on." Fuck you! Move on??! I'm trying to fucking move on, you two-timing hussy of a bitch! Please pardon me for believing I meant something to you when you told me that I did at least 15 times a day before you just pulled it out from under me. She said we should have just left it at her saying goodbye on that day he got arrested.. but no, I said. I needed to hear you tell me these things. I needed to know that you weren't trapped in some life. I needed to know that you weren't working towards a separation anymore. I needed to know that you could care less about me. I needed to know it all because the past week was full of mixed messages like, "I showed my husband how much I loved him," followed by, "You are my soul mate!" In that portion of the conversation she admitted that she felt horrible for the messages containing the "brutal honesty" so she'd follow them up with nicer messages meant to make me feel better. Saying that effectively ripped all the nice things away from me as if they were lies to begin with. I was a mistake for her. She said that she'd never considered me a mistake... but it sure was/is the way she was/is treating me. She tried to claim that she was just too impulsive and should have thought things through but I said, "Bullshit! We talked and talked and talked it all through. When I met you I was trying to reconnect you with your husband. I didn't want to do this. You didn't want to do this. But we fell for each other. And we talked it all through. And we both knew what was happening and how it would probably end. And we tried to give each other up and stop talking to each three times but it never worked. So don't fucking tell me you were impulsive and didn't think about it!" The call ended when she got home... and without a proper "goodbye." I asked her to just circle the block once - she parked instead. Her husband wasn't home so I asked her to just say goodbye.. no one was around. No one was around for her entire ride home. Just say goodbye! And she refused .. she said she'd call me later to finish the conversation.

- I hung up sad... but also enraged. FUCK HER AND HER PUSSY OF WHORRY DOOM! I was pissed..PISSED!!! Very sad but also PISSED.

- Wednesday - I didn't talk to her. I was enraged. I told my friend, who UP UNTIL THAT POINT had been on the "she's just very confused" side of the court, about the phone call and she became a cheerleader for the "Fuck her and her vagina of doom" team. That night she called and I didn't answer, letting it go to voicemail. She said, "I just called to apologize for being a raging bitch yesterday. I just really don't know how to handle things and that's what I do... I back off. I also wanted to let you know that I cried last night." I didn't like it. The apology wasn't BIG enough. And so what that she cried... she could have stubbed her toe and cried. She didn't explain. It wasn't enough. I didn't call back.

- The funny thing was that my voicemail only holds saved messages for 14 days so when I called to retrieve the aforementioned message - my voicemail first informed me that it was about to delete an old saved message. It was from Franco.... telling me "I just called to tell you how lovely you are! I hope you're feeling better and I just want you to know that I love you very much!" That was from the day that led into the night of her husband breaking everything and getting arrested. 14 DAYS! Two weeks ago she was totally in love with me and 14 days later I was virtually forgotten.

- Thursday... I gave her nothing. I was still pissed. Talked with a few other people and was assured that no... I should not give her the time of day. If she asked if I got the message I should just say, "Yep," and leave it at that. But in the end I felt like not responding to her might just be too much of a "relief" so I sent her a very brief note just to say that 'I appreciate that you called to apologize."

- Friday... she stalked me on MySpace and noticed that I'd subtly mentioned her to HotttGirl in the comments box. She sent me an irritated little note saying that she didn't want me talking about her or getting comfort from HotttGirl. Basically... she was jealous. I said, "What the hell does it matter?" and told her also that I'd also just had a nice long 3 hour conversation with Texas Heather. We exchanged a couple of short notes and I tried to end it on a silly note because even though I'm pissed at her... I didn't want her pissed at me.

-(As a sidenote, HotttGirl has been very supportive and now that all this went down with Franco - my confused emotions about HotttGirl have settled down such that I can just be very good friends with her without all that other attraction getting in the way. In a way I'm appreciative of that.)

-(As another sidenote, Texas Heather told me that SHE had once been married and had cheated on her husband with a woman which drove him crazy and he got arrested.. and she ended up leaving the woman. In the end the marriage didn't work out (it was only common law anyway) and he left but she never did get back with the girl. She told me this story because she wanted me to understand that Franco was in no place for me right now. That even if she had chosen me ... she wouldn't be emotionally stable enough for the relationship. I knew this anyway but it meant more coming from someone who'd been the "franco" in the situation and could talk from that experience. The same thing with HotttGirl, actually. She'd also done something similar to a girl and told me that hearing about my experiences with Franco made her feel almost as if she was attoning for what she'd done to her ex-girlfriend.)

- Saturday I went out with friends and while at dinner I recieved a text from Franco saying, "I just wanted you to know that I was leaving for my vacation tomorrow and that if I get a chance before I leave I will respond to your e-mails. But know that I miss you and moreover that I love you mind, body and soul." It was sweet... very sweet... but I rolled my eyes. My friend grabbed the phone from me and wrote back to her, "Blah Blah." Later I sent a text admitting that it wasn't me but that I hadn't stopped the send either. I never heard from her.

- Sunday morning I received a call at 7am - waking me up. I thought it was a text so when I flipped my phone open to read it... I'd actually answered Franco's call. She'd apparently just turned her phone on and received those messages and wanted to call about it. I spent the entire phone call being generally mean to her... telling her about how her apology wasn't good enough. Telling her about how I'd been angry. About I didn't want to be too much of a "relief" by not talking to her. I didn't really hold anything back but I was also barely awake so I don't believe anything was too harsh. She just took everything... it was actually a pleasant conversation. Almost like old times with me unable to stop talking to her but without all that pain and sadness. Probably that's why she liked the call so much... I wasn't being "weak." During the call she referred to me as her "horrible addiction" and I snipped at her for calling me "horrible." She was packing for her vacation... a vacation she'd planned with her fucking family INSTEAD of a road trip that would have brought her to Los Angeles. A vacation that also happens to occur over my birthday. It was really a wonderful gift to hear about that vacation (note sarcasm). Her husband interrupted a couple of times and she hid the phone and pretended she wasn't on it... just like old times. She said, "My husband is going to kill me when he gets the phone bill and sees that I'm still talking to you." "Yeah," I said, "And he's probably also going to notice that all the phone calls are outgoing." She said, "Well this is probably the last time I'll talk to you and I wanted to make it nice." "Yeah," I said, "I thought your voicemail was the last time your were going to talk to me." Maybe we can arrange it so that we can talk at least once a month - she offered. "Whatever" was my attitude. She ended the phone call by saying, "I love you" and as I was beginning to reciprocate she interrupted to say, "And you don't have to say it back!" "Well I was saying it back but you interrupted me so now all you get is a Fuck you!" And then we said our good-byes.

- About two hours later I got a text from her telling me that "Damnit! Every time I have a free moment I want to call you! Damn you for making me miss you so much!" I offered that we could make each other voo doo dolls to talk to instead. She said she'd sew one right up. I told her to make sure she made it out of satin so it would feel like her.

- And now I'm feeling like a dummy because I left her with a nice comment! I should have left her thinking that I still hated her because that makes her more responsive! I'm still angry... still annoyed... and very much better. My appetite is back. I don't think about her every second. I actually kinda miss being sad because now I'm just sorta numb to it all and I would LIKE to remember how much I was able to feel. I mean I know that the sad is not gone.. it's just sorta buried under a couple layers of absolute disgust. I also kinda miss having no appetite because I was losing weight!

- In summary - I think some of that early advice from one friend is the most accurate. The sooner I'm getting back to the "old me"... the sooner she's remembering why she fell in love with me in the first place. And while getting back to the "old me" means I won't/don't want her anymore ... it may oddly be the way I win her back.

The calm before the storm

I actually made it through all of today without crying though I did have one anxiety attack in the bathroom. I've concluded that no sleep on top of this grief is not helpful. My mornings... oh they just suck. I wake up weeping. I can't leave the room. When I do - it's to weep in the bathroom. I've turned into that crazy ex... going through all the stages of loss. I've lost my appetite (I'm just starting to get it back) and hell I even induced vomit on a couple of occasions!! WTF??

Two days ago I was in the bargaining stage and thinking thoughts like "What if I just wait for her older husband to die" (he is twenty years older than her) and "If I promise never to come see you can I please just talk to you again like before," and "Your husband and I both love you and you love both of us... let's make it work for all of us." EWWWW!! None of these thoughts are appealing but they just kept coming up.

The waiting for her husband to die thing... well that was something that Franco had told me that Irritating Girl had once said to her back when they were flirting. Franco once brought that up and said, "Would you do that?" (I mean we both knew from day one that she was going to end up back with her husband but she kept moving farther and farther away from him so I had all that hope for this fantastic relationship that we were on the verge of! Completely emotionally, intellectually and sexually compatible! UGH! And this is why I grieve - I grieve for the loss of something that died far far too early.) Anyway... I yelled at her when she said that originally! "OMIGOD! I can't believe you even suggested that!" But yesterday I remembered it and had that *ZING* of hope again. Dumb. But then I thought, "Wait a minute! Waiting for your husband to die???? That's not something that rational people say! Shit! Irritating Girl was in love with Franco!!!"

So I sent a text to Franco asking her to tell me the truth - was this what happened to Irritating Girl? (Since I knew they had been flirting once but then Franco cut it off because she really wasn't interested in I.G. and had just been looking for the distraction and the attention because her marriage wasn't satisfying her. I.G. was even going to go to fly and visit Franco but Franco cancelled the trip and then stopped talking to I.G. because she was re-dedicating herself to making her marriage work.) (Eerily familiar!) Franco wrote back that NO - this was nothing like the situation with I.G. She "supposed" I.G. was in love with her but the difference was that she was not in love with I.G. (As she was in love with me.) I guess that made me feel better. But then I remembered how poor I.G. continued to try to be Franco's friend while also healing and moving on. Part of that moving on involved her becoming interested in me and then guess what happened.... Franco and I fell for each other. Thus crushing poor I.G. again!

I still don't really like Irritating Girl but I do have a new sympathy for her. And the thing is... I do NOT want to become her. I do not want to watch Franco with other people. (Husband, obviously, and especially not anyone else that should come along. My god if someone else came along and she DID leave her husband for THAT person... the horror.)

Two friends in particular have been the ones keeping track of me mostly. Making sure that I get out of the house and go where I'm supposed to go and don't stay in my room weeping. Though I wake up at like 5-6am and cry and try to go back to sleep until a more normal waking up time. And no one can babysit me in the mornings. But it's good, I think, to let this all out and wallow in all this pain. If I allow myself to suffer then I won't hide it and bury it and then release it at inappropriate times in the future. (So I think.)

I try really really hard not to contact her. But I slip. And when I slip I get nice and caring responses from her but they have an element of coldness. Like between the lines it says, "Stop this. I can only text you once and then you have to quit!"So after endlessly talking out all my theories and feelings and everything with all of my friends only to be given differing advice from everybody based on their own current or past romantic dramas... I concluded that it was pointless to keep talking to everybody else. So last night I sent her an e-mail getting EVERYTHING off my chest. Usually this type of e-mail should be promptly deleted or printed but not sent or saved as a draft or left as a locked diary entry. I have one or two like that two - the really foul and angry ones. The ones I didn't send because I knew I'd so regret those later. This one, though, had loving things AND angry things AND hurt things AND hopeful things. It just had EVERYthing that I just wanted to tell her but couldn't because I wasn't allowed to talk to her on the phone. (Not that I would have been that coherant on the phone anyway.) It did feel better to send it all out to her. Yes, I probably burdened her with a lot of my feelings but it was also written at a time of acceptance I guess. Like... I'd been avoiding saying these things because I thought she might come back. But now that she's showed her steel reserve and willpower ... I guess I know she's not coming back. So I said things like, "Why should I bother being strong? Strong doesn't bring you back so I've got nothing to lose." The letter ended up being 6 pages long. Boy it was a doozy. And I ended it by saying, "if and when you respond - please please please don't be harsh" because the wound is still open.

But I know that there are things she'll need to say too. Explanations she'll feel that she needs to give (even though I understand why she made the choice she made). And I'm not really looking forward to that response.Today was sorta the calm before the storm I think.

This morning was NOT good. I did have an anxiety attack and had to close myself up in a bathroom stall to try to breath and not cry and pull myself together. I sent her a text then asking her to just please say something nice to me. She told me of a memory of a nice time we had together. A "nice" time... even her nice things seem to hurt like daggers. Later when I was on a break I broke down and called her on the phone - "I just needed to hear your voice to ground me" I said. And then I told her about the 6 page letter and how I worried that this may be the last time she'd talk to me. She said she'd check it and she let me go. She was OK to me but there was that coldness.

When I got home (I'm taking classes so I had a 45 minute break between classes during which I went home) I got a text from her responding to one of the sections of my letter. She assured me that she didn't want me gone and that I wasn't just a one night stand to her. (Both past tense sayings.) (Like I can totally read that like "I didn't want you gone but now I do.") "It just has to be this way," was how she ended it. Again another sting. I decided to just call her... "So you've read the e-mail?" "I'm reading it now... I just read that part and felt compelled to respond to that right away. I'll respond to this but maybe not tonight." I let her go and reminded her to please try to not be harsh when she did reply. Her phone call wrapping up tone was cold... I asked her if she was just cold or if she was just trying to make it easier to hang up. She said she was trying to make it easier to hang up.

But still... hearing from her at all just made me feel better today. Because I am worried about what her response is going to do to me. I'm feeling a little better... but her response will undoubtedly hold some final truths.. some final closure... some final unforgivable things. Maybe. I don't know.

Later after my second class I'd discovered I'd just received an award for something that was something Franco and I had in common and often talked about. I just had to tell her so I sent yet another text. She congratulated me and we carried on a brief but happy and humorous text-based conversation. She keeps asking me if I'm feeling better. I wish she'd stop. I wish SHE wouldn't feel better. But anyway... having all the communication with her today made me feel ... like I could survive.

The best best best best best part of my day, though, was at night. Hours after the conversation in the above paragraph... of her OWN VOLITION... WITHOUT ANY PROMPTING BY ME... she sent me two texts. The first, "Goodnight." The second, "I miss my best friend."

Awwww! She fucking made me high again. But god damnit then I get all upset because she misses her "Best Friend" and not her GIRLFRIEND!!

I'm still waiting for the shitstorm that is her response back to me though.

Ripped

She's totally ripped my heart out. I don't think I can tell the story again to one more person rationally - including this anonymous diary.So short story - when her husband got out of jail - she "showed him how much she loved him" such that he now trusts her whole heartedly. In other words - she fucked him. And not only did she fuck him but A) she didn't have sex with him while thinking about me and crying like she did when had just started to fall for me and B) she showed him how much she "loved" him which means to me that she "made love" to him.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I've been dying. Like literally dying. I can't eat. I'm completely sick. I'm already uncomfortable because of my back and everything. This fucking fucking fucking fucking sucks.

There are so many hurts. How can she go from being in love with me and looking for apartments and knowing that the marriage was "over" on fucking Tuesday to forgetting about me and making love to him by Thursday?!?!?!Today I threw up from grief and that was a first.

She claims she's still in love with me. But she has an "ideal life" that she wants for her son and I'm not part of that "normal" that she wants. She said she's so upset about what she's done to me .. her "soulmate". HOW THE FUCK CAN SHE CALL ME HER SOULMATE AND DUMP ME AND FUCK HIM AND CHOOSE THAT LIFE?!?!? How can she still be in love with me (which she claims) and just drop me so fucking easily?!?!

My friends are all on "suicide watch" but when I can't even get myself out of bed in the morning... how can they even watch me? One of my guy friends has been great at talking me through some of this but I found out today that the reason he's so great at knowing how I feel is because he got dumped several months ago.

And ... and ... he still fucking hurts every day. And he still hasn't gotten his appetite back. And talking to me about my fresh pain makes him feel less alone in his. I know this pain - I've felt it once before when I was 17 and my first love broke my heart. I didn't feel this pain when my last girlfriend (called "NowEx" in my blog posts) and I broke up. I made NowEx come over to comfort me the night I found out.. she held me and let me cry (much to the chagrin of her current new girlfriend) but in the end she got insulted. "You didn't react like this when we broke up," she said. I lied and told her I had but I'd hid it from her. Really it's because I was never in love with her.

I'd just finally fucking admitted to Francophile that I was in love with her on Monday. Wednesday she dumped me. Thursday she ripped my heart out and stomped on it. And I've gone fucking insane.

Where?

Where are the other characters?

Well Franco got REALLY jealous over HotttGirl and Texas Heather so I lost touch with them for a while. I still get the occasional text from Texas Heather. HotttGirl got upset about Franco because she was afraid she'd lose me as a friend. And it just so happened that after last week's "break-up" in which I took Franco's status away - HotttGirl was the first person I talked to (via IM). So, as Franco put it, she was there to "comfort me" and Franco was PISSSSSSED! Which I found entertaining. I still love that HotttGirl because of that flattery!

Lincoln is still around and slightly bitter that my attention has been distracted by Franco.

Irritating Girl still occasionally talks to Franco but does not seem to be talking to me. (I'm hoping that sticks.)

There's a new character that may show up again - Clarice Starling. Clarice is a girl I met in a group a few months ago who recently showed up again at a movie screening. After that night she gave me her number and we've had two hour long phone conversations (separate nights). (The second conversation was a drunk dial.) Clarice is an interesting girl and very pretty - way out of my league AND I'm not attracted to her in the slightest. (Now.) She's quite a talker (way too much) and far too skinny and "attractive" for my tastes. Really I like a little meat. (Can I just pause here to say that Franco's body was SOOOO wonderful! DAMN I'm going to miss it.) Anyway - Clarice clearly has no interest in me and sees me only as a friend but I figure she's worth adding to the character list just in case there's a lonely night, some alcohol and a need for a rebound snuggling. Ha!

SoYeahUm has been annoying, as per usual, but friendly. She plans to move back to the midwest sometime later this year - having not successfully found what she was looking for. Whatever that was.

Los Angeles Heather has been contacting me more lately. It was like she detected my relationship status and either felt safer contacting me or wanted to stir things up. She even said she wanted to arrange another dinner outing with me! Signals are crazy things.

I've really felt no excitement towards any of my regular women since Franco showed up and I'm hoping to build some of that up again. Though now my days of being a fake "playa" feel dumb.

July 27 - A Moon

It's been almost exactly a month since my last post and a lot has happened (since a lot seems to happen in a short amount of time).

I'd like to touch on many things via bullet points:

- Shortly after my return to Los Angeles and Franco's return to her "normal life" with her husband - she decided that she just couldn't take the fighting and the yelling and just didn't know how to handle everything that was going on all at once. She decided to move out for a while. Fortunately the couple had an apartment building with two empties. Her cousin moved into one and she snatched the other and on moving day her cousins helped her move in a bed, a chair and some basic necessities. She loved it! She loved the freedom. She loved the low maintenance place and even began decorating. But her husband wasn't happy and his pride was getting more and more wounded.

- The time that Franco lived in the apartment was a wonderful trip for the two of us. She was nice to me all of the time. Couldn't wait to talk to me. We had a couple of wonderful nights exploring the new sexual aspect of our relationship via phone. Etc. Etc.

- But all good things must come to an end and Franco's husband put an end date on her staying at the apartment by renting it out to a new tenant that was set to move in on August 1st. We had a date. A date by which we knew things were going to end for our little fantasy world.

- I had a conversation with Franco - a brief one. Basically, I said, if you move back in with your husband I will no longer call you my "girlfriend." A simple word but now that our feelings had grown and changed (since my last blog I'd started to accept that I was falling in love with her) I would simply no longer be able to tolerate her being "unfaithful" to me by way of being faithful to her husband. She understood and she knew... if she moves back home... she loses her girlfriend.

- One night Franco stayed out late and reconnected with an old female friend from college. Franco's husband spent the night calling her and calling her (his jealousy, his lack of trust, his loss of pride, his embarassment ... all of these things just kept building and building within him making each day a little more unbearable - yet she still felt no regret for what she'd done with me). Eventually her cell phone died but she thought nothing of it. Her old friend and her went back to her place to carry on their conversation and being that there was no furniture - they sat on her bed and talked. Well then Franco's husband showed up and caught them "together in bed" and FREAKED OUT (since now he doesn't trust her with any woman). He lost it and the way he was handling their baby (whom he'd brought along) scared Franco. He told her that if she wanted to see her baby - she had to come home! And he turned around and left with their son. So she called me and told me that because of what happened (and she was crying and scared when she called) that she had to go home. And she did. And she spent that night in their basement.

- The next day she'd assumed that she'd lost me because of the move home but I told her that since it wasn't by choice - I couldn't take her status away. And she proceeded to call me and text me whenever she could but the change from her calling me whenever to going back to the OLD way (calling and texting only on the sly) was incredibly upsetting.

- Please understand that I do not know her husband. And I do not blame him for anything he's done in his reaction. And I definitely don't think he deserves what happened ... but I had fallen for his wife. And his wife had fallen for me. Her concern, however, continued to be her "pride" in her house and the way her "perfect" little family looked on the outside. More and more I could feel her pulling away from me and back towards this "perfect" little life. However one move back to her family would have been easier than the constant, "I don't think this marriage is going to last," and "I talked about you with my friend all night," and "Today he told me he was getting a lawyer tomorrow," and etc. Yes it was all true but it was all conjecture and LEADING ME ON. For whatever reason ... I had some sort of hope that things might actually work out for us ... and so I continued to open up my heart to her.

- Last Monday I awoke from an uncomfortable dream. A dream in which I was reacting to my trust issues. How could I trust a girl that lives nowhere near me... a girl that has obvious issues with being faithful? My fears were calmed when she called me that morning all giddy and told me that she'd just had a wonderful dream about the two of us getting married. I was all smiles until she slipped and said, "My husband got out of bed early this morning and yelled at me because he couldn't sleep because he kept thinking about what I'd done." "Wait... what?," I said, "Did you just say your husband got out of bed? When did your husband and you start sleeping together again?" She told me he'd started the night before. Two nights. He'd been sleeping with her for two nights and she didn't think it was important to mention. I died a little right there and my day was totally fucked.

- She knew it was coming but because of family issues (a death) she'd asked me to not "change" anything that week. But I was dying. Tuesday she had her first therapy appointment since our weekend - something that everybody had been begging her to do because her behavior (crying, numbness, self-inflicted injuries - totally my fault because I'd told her about my issues with that and she'd wanted to be like me) had been hard to talk her through. Afterwards she called me to tell me how it had gone and she told me that if I needed to have a conversation with her I could. So I did it - I took away her "girlfriend" title and begged her not to talk to me about her life with her husband anymore because it was too painful. She didn't argue. She didn't fight. She accepted it. And that killed me most of all.

- I spent Tuesday and Wednesday in a haze of that old familiar broken-hearted feeling though I knew I'd done it myself. She hadn't cheated on me.... she'd just been laying in the same bed as her husband... avoiding him as she'd done for all the months involved in our romance. But now it was different. And now with her therapy and her upcoming marriage counseling appointments and her moving home and her NOT kicking her husband out of bed and her NOT getting her own lawyer and her NOT being proactive in any way towards the ending of her marriage - I felt as if I was getting kicked to the curb. And could I blame her? No. But I did finally feel like I could want more than what she was willing to give.

- We talked several times with her trying to keep everything friendly but I was in pain and I was angry and so I reacted coldly and "tough" as she kept describing me. But she could still break me down and we ended up having nice conversations. Familiar conversations. And I told her that I was still her "mistress"... just not her girlfriend. And she began to open up a little more about her pain around me and the loss of her title and actually made me feel wanted again. And she managed to lead me on again... though I don't think she ever did or ever does it intentionally. She just wants me but she doesn't want to stir up her life. She would prefer it be done TO her instead of BY her.

- Monday I hurt my back and by Tuesday it was bad enough to seek an emergency appointment with my chiropractor. The woman approaches pain in a holistic manner and after a number of emotional/spiritual tests she determined that my back injury was due to my heavy emotions around a certain romantic relationship - I wonder who! I told Franco when I got home (she'd been checking up on my twice an hour - a perfect caring girlfriend type of thing to do) and she really took it seriously.

- Last night she went out drinking with co-workers and stayed out until all hours getting drunker and drunker. When she returned home she found her husband - drunk off his ass - and surrounded by holes punched in walls (blood everywhere), broken phones, broken pictures, broken EVERYTHING. Franco's sister (an off-duty cop) was there too and had been there calming her husband down for a while. She (the sister) drove him to the apartment to keep him away from Franco for the night (who was now terrified). He left with a case of beer, a bottle of pills and no phone so Franco and her sister called the police and asked them to check up on him. Franco called me to recount the evening and she was scared and crying and still horribly drunk. This morning she awoke to him standing next to her bed yelling at her and still horribly drunk. She was scared again and didn't know what to do so she called the police again. When they arrived he was being a sarcastic ass to one of the officers so they decided to arrest him. Franco begged them not to but they told her it was the third time they'd had to deal with him (so apparently they'd been called by someone else during the night) and that they were afraid of what he'd do to her if they left. They suggested that they would keep him until he sobered up. Franco called her parents and went to their house and told them everything (much they'd already known from guessing and hints) about us and why she felt that her husband shouldn't be in jail and everything. Her dad, whom she looks up to more than anybody, said he wasn't defending her husband but that he could understand why he was reacting the way he was. And for whatever reason - the guilt she hadn't felt about what she'd done with me (about what she'd been continuing to do with me) suddenly rushed in and hit her. All because of her dad not condemning her husband for his behavior. She decided then that she had to give her marriage a decent shot. She had to be honest with her husband and by honest that meant that when she said, "No I'm not talking to her!" she wanted it to be true. She continued to call the police throughout the day and they told her they'd be keeping him for the night because they wanted to do a psychological evaluation and they couldn't do that until tomorrow. She felt horrible. She wanted to be honest. She wanted to give her marriage one last chance. And she didn't want to hurt me anymore with her inability to give him up and the emotional stress that led to back injuries and etc. And so she decided she had to give me up once and for all. She talked to me for an hour... all around it and never getting to it until the end of the conversation. She talked about the knots she'd had in her stomach and the fear she had of talking to me... and so I feel like the best gift I could ever give her is to just let it be easy for her.

- So yes... I'm angry. I'm hurt. I feel betrayed. But I'm also sooo proud of her for finally making a decision in a direction. And rather like Catherine Zeta-Jones' character in the movie THE TERMINAL - I was rooting for the husband. And she's told me that she just wants to do things honestly - even if it is to separate and get a divorce amicably. She said she wants to be my girlfriend easily - with no distractions and no guilt about what being my girlfriend does to other people. I have nothing but respect for her. It maybe makes me fall for her even a little more. But how am I going to deal with her disappearing. Is it even going to work? Every other time we've had this talk (and admittedly it's been me more than it's been her) - we've just given up on trying to give each other up. We're addicted to each other. How is this time going to be any different?

Since last week's drama I've been slowly patching up all the little holes in my "wall" that she'd managed to get through. My wall, however, wasn't all that strong to begin with. I really have been really open to people lately so I don't want to over-patch the holes. The only person that's going to have trouble getting in (I think) is her again. Yes, I cried today but not as much as last week. There is a numbness that she's building in me and maybe it will be best if I hone that numbness and use it to keep her away if she tries to come back. I guess only time will tell right now. Brain says, "Keep her on the right path. Don't tempt her. Don't call her. Don't answer her calls." Heart says, "Remind her that you exist. That you're waiting. That you're hurting because of her. Guilt her into coming back to you." Thus far the Heart has won 90 percent of the battles. And this time I'm really rooting for the Brain.

June 28 - The Trip

First I had a layover in Vegas and I know another Myspacer there and she invited me to dinner so we had a meal at the airport during my layover. She was nice - Franco was freaking out because she thought I'd a) like the other girl (not a chance) and/or b) not watch the clock and miss the flight so she kept checking on me.

I arrived at 4:00am and Franco picked me up. Lots of awkwardness - we had a hard time looking at each other because we knew each other TOO well and yet this was our first time meeting. Her mannerisms were different. She was less "girly" than I had envisioned. Different. (I mean we'd been talking for like 4 hours everyday. Texting. E-mailing. LOTS of communication and then here we are realizing that we are real people.)

Oh also when the plane landed the first message I got was that there was only one bed at the hotel! She'd changed the reservation to two beds but they didn't change it in the computer or something! So that weirdness was pending.

We got to the hotel - went to bed. Awkward. I tried to sleep but I was pretty nervous the whole time and damnit I just really wanted her to touch me. She told me later that she'd stayed awake for a little while - watching me sleep to make sure I was real. (Aww!)

I woke up around 8am (I'd not really been able to sleep in that awkwardness). She got up. We had some hotel continental breakfast in the room and were trying to pretend to read a newspaper because things were weird. We finished our muffins and went to the major mall in her city.

So basically Day 1 (Friday) was like all our first dates rolled into one. We went to the mall. Went shopping in the gifty shops. Had a small meal at McDonald's. Decided to watch a movie (Nacho Libre). In the movie we did the whole knees touching stuff. After the movie we went to the amusement park aspect of the big mall and went on a few "dark" rides (so more "accidental" bumping into each other type of stuff). Then we went back to the hotel to kill some time before we were both hungry enough to go to dinner. So we ended up deciding to take a nap since we hadn't had much sleep at all. During this time together on the bed she made her first move and scootched backwards into me. Her head landed into my hand so I sat there caressing her hair before I worked up the nerve to put my arm around her. We ended up cuddling during our nap.

Then we woke up and drove into town for dinner. Then we went back to the hotel to watch a movie (I'd brought my portable DVD player for movie watching). It was a three hour movie (Tipping the Velvet - I brought it because I thought it might create a "mood") and she ended up falling asleep after hour one. I put it all away and got ready for bed.

After locking the doors and shutting off all the lights I got back into the bed and she rolled over and faced me - I'd woken her up with all of my movements around the room. For five or so minutes we lay there staring into each other's eyes (well technically we couldn't actually see each other because it was pitch black) and making vague references to kissing. Finally she got up the nerve and approached me with her mouth and gave me her first kiss with a woman. I reciprocated and we continued to kiss for a while - each acknowledging that the other was an excellent kisser.

I caressed her arms, kissed her neck and found the bottom of her shirt and slipped my hand underneath. She did the same and just got closer and closer to my breast. I felt almost as if I was a "lesbian sex teaching dummy" at this point and wanted her to experience everything regardless of whether or not I was turned on so I coaxed her into finally touching it. She loved it! I began touching her breasts and eventually moved to using my mouth. She did the same. And it all progressed much much faster and further than I had ever expected it to. By the end of the night we were both sloppy with sex and dead tired. She'd managed to finish me and I'd only come close to her result. (She'd pre-warned me that she takes a long time and I would have stayed down there forever but she'd thrown me over to experience me.)

God her skin was soft. Her kisses were wonderful. Her touch was well honed. She spent the entire time nervous and HOPING that she wouldn't like it but when all was said and done - she was better than my exes in bed and I may have just turned her too gay! She kept repeating that she had no idea I'd be so sensual. As I told her then and as we both agree now - we didn't have sex. We made love.

Day 2 - Saturday - we went to her hometown. (Her husband and baby had driven out of town for a visit with grandma for the day). She showed me her house, we ate at her favorite restaurant, she took me to the spot on the river where she often likes to go to think about me, I briefly met her younger sister (who knew everything), the school she teaches at and then we went to a play at the community college. Afterwards and during intermission she kept running into people she knew and they'd ask things like "Oh you got away from the boys tonight huh?" and it was getting to her. We had to get the hell out of Dodge because she was uber weirded out by her "two worlds colliding". We went back to the city (2 hour drive each way) and watched hour 2 of the three hour movie before she fell asleep again.

Day 3 - Sunday - We went to a used book store (kissed while there) and ate at another restaurant instead. Then we went to the local art gallery (where we kissed) and browsed around in there. Then we sat in a park for a while and kissed there. Went back to the hotel. Ended up taking another nap. Got up and headed to a fancy restaurant for dinner. Went back to the hotel. Watched hour 3 of the movie and then watched another movie. Sleep.

Day 4 - Monday - This was a weird day. We slept in so we had to rush to pack up and get ready before check-out. Then we had a couple of hours to kill before my flight so we decided to go to the restaurant at Ikea. She was kinda being a shit and talking about dropping me off early so she could get back to her son sooner and just generally being kinda cold. So she dropped me off leaving me feeling like "Well fuck her then!" but by the time I got to Vegas she was calling me to tell me how sorry she was and how she just couldn't handle the goodbye so she was just trying to be mean to make it easier. So she got forgiven.

But keep in mind that her husband kept calling constantly throughout the weekend - angry at her (obviously) and accusing her of doing stuff which she kept denying. Ugh. One of the shitty things she said on Monday, after I asked her if she'd regret the weekend, was, "I'll regret it if my husband divorces me because of it." (Ouch!) Well apparently during my flight from Minneapolis to Vegas on the way back she'd confessed everything to him and had been bawling and super depressed and was essentially having a breakdown. And now she misses me horribly.

And in summation on my end: I like her but she was different than what I expected (in looks and mannerisms). I think I like her less now than I did before the trip and that she likes me more. I certainly don't like/love her enough to move to Minnesota and raise her kid as Mom #2 but I do like her enough to continue this weird long distance email thing that we have and it still stings that she wants to keep her marriage functional.

June 20 - Things Go Fast

Things go fast when you find romance. Is that completely weird - or is it just... normal?

My whirlwind correspondence/romance thing with Francophile just spiraled into a huge ball of mush! But to back up...

Francophile and I began instant messaging - a new and scary thing for us. BUT it turned out rather well. Better than expected. We got to see a little more of our normal conversational selves as opposed to the planned and edited long e-mails we'd been sending. I even sent a video of myself saying hello - so she could see my mouth moving. :) She sent a reciprocation of just her feet - and her voice. Our first time hearing each other!

I finally went out with Irritating Girl and that led to Franco getting jealous that I.G. got to meet me and not her. We planned to have our first phone conversation the next day (while she was out driving her baby for his normal drive/nap) but it was tough waiting.

When it happened - it flowed well but having the e-mail/im personality transfer to phone personality was obviously a little weird. We spent most of the conversation talking about my "friend date" with I.G. By this point we already knew we super liked each other but adding the phone element was a test.

I failed the test! That's not to say that I sucked at talking - I did great! But I was weirded out by the phone voice - the accent I wasn't really expecting - the different flow of it all. But we had a great conversation and really liked each other so we planned another one for just a couple of days later. After our second when it became "audibly" apparent to me that Franco liked me a lot - this is when I failed. After our call she'd sent a new set of "six questions" and I answered them honestly and stupidly decided that she sounded "weak" on the phone (and that I should tell her that). (A weakness for me, I understand, but I like my women strong and a display of weakness makes me uncomfortable. I informed her that if that pissed her off then so be it. Her getting mad would undoubtedly undo that whole "weak" feeling anyway!)

And she did - she got pissed at me - and in another IMing session I totally turned it around so that I was out of trouble (by saying something nice and romantic... since after all... she was displaying her strength).

Also I admitted in that e-mail that I was having mixed feelings about our whole relationship considering I still wanted to be single. I've been single for about a year and still haven't had all the random stranger nookie I'd been crossing my fingers for! And I was starting to get mad that I couldn't even THINK of other girls because she was consuming me.

Well we made up. Continued talking. Talked on the phone more. And she maintained that I was single and could do whatever I wanted - a situation I was strongly behind.

The other element is that we'd been throwing around this term "Free Pass." We offered the free pass to each other often. Using the Free Pass, you see, would be like a "Get Out of Jail Free" card. You just say it and then presto - we stop flirting. We stop being anything other than friendly. We never used it until one day on the phone - after a particularly great conversation - I steered the conversation towards FREE PASS. We decided that we were on a dangerous path ... a path soon approaching a point of no return so I suggested that we use the Pass now before things just got too painful.

So we stopped our e-mail role playing "adventure" that we had going but vowed to continue the question game (as long as the questions were not flirty). We also "outed" our relationship to Irritating Girl who DID NOT take it well. She was pissed on a number of levels. Pissed at Franco for not telling her sooner. Pissed at Franco for ruining her chances with me (which she never had anyway). Pissed at Franco for doing this to another girl (her viewpoint is that Franco used her for flirting and then just tossed her aside ... which is true actually). But we also told I.G. about how we were 'on a pause' basically. I received IRRITATING advice e-mails from I.G. following that!

Moving on - for a day or so I felt as if we had broken up. I felt a little better - a little freer. But we still talked. However I was DETERMINED that we not take it all up again because we really were on a path of suffering. She'd suffer in her marriage by wanting me instead. I'd suffer by knowing she slept with her husband every night and not me.

Well then it came to an honest conversation one morning in which she told me that she'd had sex with her husband the night before and had cried during the act because all she could think about was me. I thought I could just take this information but it did hit me like a punch - not that she cried but that she'd had sex with her husband.

Ugh! Despite free pass usage it still still ended up sucking. We continued our conversation about how sucky everything was currently - us being on pause. Her marriage. Etc. We began to talk more again. Officially we were still "on pause" but not really.

She ended up buying a large pillow that she named after me and cuddled with every night (instead of her husband). I was doing the same with a pile of blankets and pillows. We began our mutual yearn... something a lot stronger than compelling e-mail conversations.

We came to the conclusion that we had to meet each other. We just had to see each other in person and decide if all this strife was worth it. Heck we could meet and find out that we simply had no chemistry! So we formulated a plot with Franco borrowing money from her sister and us meeting in her city (several states away from me but only a couple hours from her).

By now it's also important to note that her husband really had begun figuring things out. She was honest with him about our friendship and his interactions with her went from angry to sobbing to numb because he'd always known about her interest in women and he could tell (can tell) that she's slipping away from him.

Well we were seconds away from purchasing a ticket when her husband began a fight she couldn't get out of. She IMed a disclaimer that "for now I have to be faithful to my husband." With friends on my other ear warning me about Dateline exclusives.. and her fighting with her jealous husband - I freaked out and called it off.

We decided again - it was too much. We had to use our free pass! I suggested we delete each other's numbers and she planned to erase her myspace account. Clearly we couldn't do the "friend" thing so we had to just do the "no contact at all" thing and if fate wanted us to be together - we'd find each other again.

It was tough. Too tough to last even a night - we were both crying after several minutes and gave up on that idea again. She said she'd still delete her page after a few days but ... for now she'd keep it.

Well again... we just couldn't stay away from each other. We couldn't NOT flirt. It was just impossible - we got along too fucking well! She and I were just on a wavelength and couldn't (can't!) stop talking.

We had more long conversations. She had more fights with her husband. Good productive fights that led her to telling him about her feelings about certain things she'd been previously uncomfortable talking about. And every once in a while he'd say something wonderful about how he wanted to get out of her way so she could find herself.

We also spoke honestly about how we'd both hoped that something physical would have happened on our trip.

Then one day she called me to tell me that she'd had another great conversation with her husband but that for now she really needed us to be on hold. She repeated something I'd once said about how for my previous relationships I'd had to know a girl for at least two years... so she asked for two years. I said great. No problem. We can be just friends. We can't stop talking but we can be just friends. A great idea but ... I went weird. I couldn't handle it really and I guess in a subconscious effort to make her jealous I did silly things.

HotttGirl was online at the time and I knew that Franco hated HotttGirl (for jealous reasons) so I carried on one of those visible comment conversations that you can have on myspace. Nothing flirty but it left a long line of HotttGirl messages on my profile that I knew Franco would see. (And which she did see - and claimed afterwards, "I just can't look at your profile anymore because of her!"

That night I also received a text from Texas Heather inviting me to Houston. I said jokingly "if you buy the ticket" and then we talked on the phone. She insisted that she had my agreement in writing and that I had to go now! Well I figured I was stuck so I went with it ... part of me hoping that I would go and my whole opinion of Texas Heather would change. She's a super nice girl and I'd like to stay friends with her but after that conversation it made me miss Franco more (like it had only been a number of hours) because it was so hard and felt so fake talking to Texas. Conversations with Franco just flow. Well it was late at night when I had that conversation so I sent a text message to Franco letting her know that Texas was going to buy me a ticket to Texas so she'd know when she got up.

Well Franco woke up to a thunderstorm clap early early in the morning and read my text. It PISSED HER OFF! She thought she'd been deceived by me - that I'd been lying to her about the closeness of my relationship with Texas (since how could a girl I barely talked to be buying me a plane ticket). Well we proceeded to have a fiery text message conversation during which she essentially kicked the Sara pillow out of bed! (I still think that's sooo fucking cute!) And during this text battle I also admitted that I was so tangled up in her that I couldn't even think about anyone else. (True.)

So again... another Free Pass thrown out the window. We knew three things 1) We couldn't be "just friends." 2) We couldn't "not talk." 3) We just had to admit that we were mad for each other.

We've spent the last week in an in love bliss - completely consumed with each other to the point of having long conversations about our futures together. Who would move where. When it could start happening. What kind of dog to have as a pet. Who's having the next baby if we have one... etc. And all of this without meeting.

So really - not meeting didn't stop the flow of anything. Knowing this - we concluded that we did have to meet soon. We were/are too crazy about each other not to at this point.

So a ticket has been purchased and I am flying to meet Ms. Francophile this week. The day can't come soon enough. I know the week will be hellish for her because of her jealous husband but... who cares. And this time we're talking not about being "faithful" but instead about just how much we want to make love to each other.

Tonight Francophile received a package I'd sent her full of little odds and ends and she was just so bursting with love for me that she went to her sister's house and told her everything. She went home feeling incredible because her sister was happy for her and glad she'd finally told her why she'd been acting so weird all summer.

Things won't be easy. Things will be soooooo tough. But there's still a part of each of us hoping that we'll meet each other and think, "HA! Wow. No chemistry at all. Let's just be super great friends!" But we both think that chance is minimal at this point.

So good luck to me!

The next update may be incredibly exciting or super disappointing! I vote "exciting."

May 29 - Franco

Since my last update I still have not gone out with Irritating Girl, Texas Heather spilled something on her phone - disabling it - so no new pictures/videos and no phone conversation yet, SoYeahUm's been a bitch who I hope to not associate with much anymore, L.A. Heather still hasn't really talked to me and HotttGirl changed her profile to say her orientation is "bi."

More importantly though, Francophile and I have continued to talk. At first it was just long e-mails but then at some point I suggested that she and I begin the "Six Question" game (the same one I "played" with Texas Heather) so that we could more directly focus our conversations.

The first question I asked her was a blatant, "So are you bi?" and her answer was in the affirmative. Then I asked her to describe her relationship with Irritating Girl - so I found out that actually they weren't friends in "real life." Actually they'd met on the Internet five years ago in a lesbian chat room, briefly had crushes on each other but then Franco met and fell in love with her husband to be and stopped talking to her. And they had just within the last several months found each other again on MySpace.

(So being "stolen" by a friend of I.G. no longer seems so rude and weird since I.G. and Franco have never even actually met.)

Anyway - I told Franco that I believed that the Six Question game inevitably led to harmless flirting (as warning) but she definitely wanted to play ... so we began.

And since that day we've both gotten a little carried away - e-mailing each other several times a day - staying up too late at night to write long responses - neglecting our work - not sleeping well - etc.

She's clearly dangerous. And she has some power over me - I just can't figure it out! For instance - in the beginning she asked me point blank if she was my type and I said, "No". But in a matter of two e-mails she had me saying, "You're exactly my type!" She's almost a Jedi knight using the "mind trick" on me ... just subtly saying things that I later repeat as if they were ideas of my own.

At the same time - some of the things she says (which are, by the way, some of the most romantic things anyone has every said to me) would make me bug my eyes out in fright/worry if someone else said them. But when she says them I swoon or blush or have a physical jolt run through me. Again I don't know what it is - she's not particularly attractive (though she is cute), she's exactly not the person I want to date (being just like my 2 exes in several ways) and she's totally unavailable (by relationship status and physical location). But I'm definitely "falling-in-like" with her and it is mutual.

I think part of the appeal is the secrecy though. Like not only from her husband (obviously) but also from Irritating Girl who might get upset when she finds out. (I'd still like to keep it from her but Franco says she's so consumed with me right now that she doesn't care who knows and actually WANTS I.G. to know because she has a right to like me if she wants to.)

Another part of the appeal is that she's never actually done anything with a girl. She's admitted that she's bi and before she met her husband she was telling people that she preferred women but... I guess in her small town world in the middle of America - she didn't have a lot of those opportunities.

All the usual red flags are up... but in this moment I've got yet another crush on yet another married girl.

May 9 - Irritating Girls

There's this girl - I don't even know what to name her yet. Thus far I can call her "irritating girl" but well that's just nondescriptive! But it'll do for now.

Anyway, Irritating Girl, sent me a note on Yahoo Personals. Yeah yeah yeah I had a page there but I never bought the subscription so it just sat and sat until one day I got a note from her. She seemed kind of interesting but honestly... I thought she was maybe a little too big for me.

I know that sounds horrible but I'm coming from A) I'm "bigger"... I've lost a LOT of weight but I'm still bigger. But because I DID lose a lot of weight I feel that I'm entitled to, at least for now, somebody that is a little healthier (whether I am or not). B) The three girls I've had relationships with have all been "bigger." The first being about my size, the second being far too skinny and then I fattened her up to a nice soft plump, and the third being far too big. C) After dating that third girl I know that I was simply not attracted to her a lot of the time. Her breasts were too big. She thought mine were too small (they're a decent average, thank you very much!) and D) My mother has always been a large woman. In the last couple of years she's dropped over a hundred pounds by having one of those weight loss surgeries and major Weight Watchers dieting.

All of that being said - I don't really want to date a "bigger" girl this time. This is also partially why I didn't want to date SoYeahUm ... because she could lose another 40 pounds.

(Keep in mind that my ideal woman is about an American sized 16 to 20. Though I'll go as low as 10 - 12.)

Anyway... so Irritating Girl was much too big but I figured, "What the hell!" and I sent her a reply with my MySpace address so we could talk there if she was a member.

She was and she began regularly sending me messages. Well she was Irritating right from the start... she didn't do anything truly outrageous (JEM!) but just did little things like asking me why I would like a movie that was my favorite movie. Talking about how she didn't like certain things. The way she phrased things... they just bugged me.

Right after Irritating Girl added me as a friend - a member of her list sent me a long note telling me about how fascinating she found me and asked if I would be her friend as well. This girl, we'll call her Francophile, and I have been exchanging long back and forth e-mails as well. Of course, as you can probably predict from this journal, she is married and has a small son. But I got a major bi-vibe from her. She's never outright said anything to me or even flirted in the slightest... but I feel like its only a matter of time. And I did/do feel a little awkward that Francophile, a real-life dear friend of Irritating Girl, is sending me these notes (with the subtext of "I'd like a woman to help me escape this marriage"... or that's what I think anyway) without Irritating Girl's knowledge.

BECAUSE it is plainly obvious to everyone that Irritating Girl wants me. (Upon conversing with SoYeamUm the other day I mentioned IR and she said, "Is that the girl who wants your babies?")

Anyway Irritating Girl even started a fan club for me - I had a little to do with that but it STILL weirded me out. And I had it ALL planned in my head that if Irritating Girl ever DID ask me out (because unlike most of the girls my stories are about, she's actually local, my age and single) that I would explain to her that I found her irritating and that it wouldn't be a good idea.

Well last week she did it - she asked me out! And I said "Sure, just as long as we don't call it a date because I'm still weird about those." Well she said cool - it would just be two potential friends getting coffee but WE ALL KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE!!

Well besides being Irritating - Irritating Girl, based on her profile, seems like a plumper L.A. Heather... who I still have built up to grand proportions in my head. So maybe she won't be that Irritating in real life.

(Oh and for the record, I finally asked Irritating Girl what the story was on Francophile. I didn't want to tell her about the messages but I.G. brought up that she was not "out" on MySpace or in real life with family but that most of her Top 8 didn't know. So I asked about Franco and told her we'd been writing little notes and I didn't want to accidentally slip that I.G. was gay if she didn't know. Well I.G. told me that Franco knew and was just recently realizing that she might be a bisexual herself. I knew it!!!)

Next stop - live Broadcast

VIDEO MESSAGES!!! Heather 2 has sent me a bunch now.

Her voice... kinda bugs me. I think this is because it reminds me of another girl I dated .. this could be it.

Maybe I'm just viewing this through a, "She wants to marry me and have me commit forever!!" filter and in reality she's just cool and wants to be a friend. Were it a friend sending me these videos - they would be cute and funny. Thinking of them the other way... they're scaring me a little.

Though the little boy saying hi to me and giggling was kinda cute.

The Heathers - Heather 2

Looooong ago and yore and forescore ... I had an image of NOT ME up on MySpace. It was a picture of a girl that kinda/sorta looks like me but isn't ... and in this picture this actress was wearing a hat.

Well one day I received a message from a random gal - average in cuteness with a pretty blank profile and only one image up. An image of her playing chess. The message read something like, "Girls in hats are hot!"

I wrote back explaining that while, in fact, the girl in the hat was hot - she was not, however, me.

The girl wrote back and apologized and explained that the message was not actually from her, it was from her friend that was just goofing off on the site with her. They'd found my page and she'd remarked on how cute the picture was (it really was sort of an oddball pic) and the friend had sent the message before she could stop her.

This was my introduction to Texas Heather.

Well Texas Heather and I had very few interactions and on the rare occasion ... primarily because she didn't visit the site much. When she did we'd carry on a conversation through messages but, all in all, I did not know very much about her. Other than that she liked chess. (She only ever had that one picture of her playing chess.) When we did chat I'd take a moment to consider her. (And by "consider" I mean "ask myself if I think she likes me and if she likes me do I like her and could anything come of it" etc. etc.). The conversations were rarely very deep and not very informational. (It was months into our acquaintanceship before I even found out that she had a son.)

One night it so happened that Texas Heather and I were online at the same time and she began telling me a story about how there was this girl that she liked but this girl had a friend and one thing led to another and she'd ended up sleeping with the friend. But not just "sleeping with her"... she described it as "all night sex." ALL NIGHT SEX?? I was intrigued! (And I figured "OK I'm out of the running but whatever we'll be friends and I WANT GOSSIP!") So she told me about the experience and about how she wanted something of it but the girl talked about how she didn't want a relationship and now things were totally ruined with the other girl she liked and things were all around messed up! Sad! But juicy gossip just the same. (Not that I had anyone to tell or even knew who she was talking about.)

And we just continued to chat. And then again she went absent.. as she fairly often did.

Then she popped up again one day and it happened to be one of those days when I had posted one of those occasional "Ask me 6 questions and I promise to answer honestly" bulletins. So I received a note from her asking 6 random questions! Well fairly random. Question number 5 was "Do you think I'm hot?" And Question number 6 was "Would you find me hot if I was wearing pink leotards and a polka dot shirt because that's what I'm wearing right now!" (I answered in the affirmative but I really only had the one picture to go off of.) And after sending that she sent another message telling me that, out of fairness, I could ask her six questions too.

Thus began our "courtship".

For a few weeks it became VERY EXCITING to log in to the good ol' inbox because the questions were going back and forth and it was QUICKLY devolving into questions of a sexual nature. Sure there were some deep ones and interesting ones and lots of random ones but also ones like, "Have you ever been tied up?" "Are you a top or a bottom?" Etc. She'd also put a couple of new pictures - more recent ones and they seemed cute. (But you know... we only put up the good ones so who knows REALLY.)

The girl I thought of as this semi-innocent chess player was NOTHING like I'd imagined her. She was bold. She was organizing social forums and drag king shows that she hosted. She was interesting.

And while I found her interesting and the whole heated sexual questioning was fun... I knew she wasn't my type. She wasn't someone I'd even run into or talk to in real life. We had pretty much NOTHING in common. (Oh and I also found out that blah blah blah she was bi and had a boyfriend that she was breaking up with and then found out she was pregnant but was like "whatever i'm still breaking up with you" and that's how the son (3 years old?) came into the picture.) But BI! I love my bisexual women!

(This, mind you, was ALL HAPPENING WHILE I was getting excited about meeting L.A. Heather, and then going on the ambiguous "date" with L.A. Heather, and L.A. Heather was potentially reading the "hey sexy" comments on my page etc.)

And then suddenly it all came to a stop because her computer broke. She came back online maybe two weeks later and sent me a message with her phone number...asking me to maybe call or at least send text messages.

It was another week or so before I finally got up the nerve and sent her a note via phone. And just this week she's started sending me pictures of herself and her kid. Last night she sent pictures of "Hi Sexy" written on her legs in lipstick. Tonight - video of her house.

And here is where it maybe gets complicated (as if the whole thing isn't ALREADY COMPLICATED with her being not my type and several states away from where I live) - the pictures from her phone... they're not like the ones on the internet. She's dyed her hair, the cut is different, she looks like a different person... a person that I don't find as attractive. A person that I would probably never talk to (not that I talk to a lot of people to begin with). And the video... her voice was deeper than I expected. Hmmm... thinking back... she hosted that "drag king" show. Even though she described herself as a "bottom"... maybe she is "the guy" in a relationship. It really is hard to tell... while I describe myself as being exactly in the middle on that butch/femme scale... I would also sorta consider myself "the guy" ... and I once dated another "guy" and that whole experience was AWKWARD. So I tend to worry about that sort of thing now.

So, in summary, it's been several weeks since the questions stopped. The texts and pictures have just started. Phone calls will likely soon follow. I actually sent her a longish e-mail about my ambiguous date with L.A. Heather but... since her computer's broken I'm pretty sure she hasn't seen it. And I'm in a position of WANTING to send her messages like "hi cutie" and "hey sexy" and "love your hair!" but ooops... I don't think she's as cute. I don't think she's sexy. And I don't love her hair. But I can't say those things obviously.

So... I guess... how do I slow this boat down? I'm worried that the next thing I'll know she'll be packing up some bags and coming to visit me.

And the OTHER thing... while its fun to flirt with my married girls and bi-moms (cuz there's another one that I think is hitting on me) ... the LAST thing I actually want to do is date a girl with a kid.

I don't really deal well with kids. And I'm far far far away from being able to support or raise one.

The fact of the matter is... I just want to be the type of girl that can have some meaningless sex with some girls looking for fun. The dilemma being that I'm conflicted about that entirely ... since I'm not really comfortable with a lot of people and CERTAINLY not comfortable with my body. So I come off as super-charming (in my own opinion) and get girls to like me... but once they like me.... meaningless sex is out of the question. Bad news for me.

So what I want from Texas Heather is maybe a bunch of dirty e-mails, some dirty phone calls and maybe JUST MAYBE ... a visit for some physical stuff ... but NOT a relationship. Not a "you're so beautiful" set of e-mail exchanges. Not a weird long-distance thing... hell I know enough about internet dating to know that the chemistry online isn't always tangible in real life. A meeting is vital. I won't write her entirely off (or I should say that I won't write my attraction to her, or lack thereof, off) until we've met in person ... but in the meantime ... how do I pause this?

The Heathers - Heather 1

I think I'm going through an "H" period.

In addition to HotttGirl (who always somehow remains an element of this blog) there are two girls you haven't heard about, Heather and Heather. Yes, they're both named Heather! I differentiate them using their locations - so there is L.A. Heather and Texas Heather.

This entry is about L.A. Heather:

L.A. Heather is probably the only girl on MySpace that I found by myself. Usually I get strange add requests or, on the rare occasion, meet someone first but L.A. Heather was a profile I stumbled on to accidentally. We had some important common interests, she listed herself as bisexual (a key point for me) and she was just the shape and complexion that I find attractive! I added her in a heartbeat thinking, "Wow! She's perfect!" Her first set of "points" came from the question, "Why?" She wanted to know Why I wanted to add her - she wasn't just a two-bit MySpace "whore" who wanted a bunch of friends and didn't discriminate! So I told her - we have lots of things in common! She accepted my add.

Our interaction was very tentative. Since I added her - I had made the first move. This left me/leaves me on very unstable ground because I DON'T know if there is any attraction on her behalf.

Several months ago I posted a blog called a "dating resume" listing all of my dating strengths and weaknesses. She sent me a note that she liked the entry and was going to copy it and she proceeded to write one of her own. At first I wondered if it was a direct response to mine - like "well I know I like your attributes so before we go any further, here are mine ... and now the ball is in your court." I still wonder. That still could be the correct interpretation. Regardless, upon reading the dating resume I realized that this sweet-looking girl with all the common interests - was not as sweet as I thought. And there was something else too.

First let me just mention that she advertised her interest in certain fetish sexual acts ... something I am not familiar with but certainly nothing that would scare me away. But she attends meetings for them! Secondly, I learned she was rather outgoing (sexually) and that this may have been the result of mistreatment by her father. Red flags go up at this point because, well, I have a tendency to be insensitive to the plights of others. Thirdly, she listed that she was sick. Like really not well - she didn't outright say it but I interpreted it to mean that she had a terminal illness.

That really halted my forward momentum there. Not that I can't accept that there are terrible things in life, but like I said, this girl was perfect on paper... I was afraid that I could fall for her quickly and then my mind raced to the devasting end of a relationship in which she was dying and I was taking care of her. It was big. Heavy. I decided that, though perfect, I was simply not ready for that.

I continued to correspond (via occasional comment/message/blog reply/etc.) but never made a move, never indicated interest, never really did anything... though in thoughts she came up a lot. She occasionally sent invitations to me to go to things with her and friends - I always declined (schedule conflicts, just your average fear of socializing with strangers, etc.). Once she even sent a specific note inviting me to hang out with her since she was in the area (for school). I managed to be non-committal while saying "Yes." But it never happened... I never worked really hard at making it happen. I still didn't know what to do... and top that with my everyday average shyness.

Eventually I decided that I might want to go back to college to get a degree in art. (A second degree.) As it happens, and I knew this upon thinking about it, L.A. Heather attended (attends) the school I applied to. I created reasons for communication because of this coincidence. (Really, the school is about two blocks from my house and I have a friend that works in admissions who helped push paper through.) Part of me knows that I applied there strictly as an excuse to meet her. Talk about expensive dates!

So finally it was coming - our first meeting! I didn't know when it was going to be but I knew it was going to happen. By now she'd also already given me her number - in case I ever wanted to do something.

First day of school.. I'm wandering around in a panic... bulky school items... in line because of a problem with my account... don't know where my next class is... etc. etc. and then I hear in my ear, "Sara?" I turn and there she is.... inches from me... and prettier in person! I say something dumb to which she giggles politely and then I'm called on. I deal with the women at the window, turn to leave and tell L.A. Heather that it was good to run into her and that I'll see her around. I then proceeded to leave and had a mini-heart-attack before my next class started. Oh Christ! THIS is gonna be trouble!

A week or so goes by and we chat a little online and realize that she'll never be at school on the days that I'm there because of our current schedules... so if we want to do something we'll have to set it up for a weeknight during which we'll both be in town. Another few days pass and then one day that I randomly got off of work I received a text message from her asking me what my schedule was for the day. We exchange a few back and forth replies which lead to us decided to go get something to eat. I decide the texting is taking forever so I take a deep breath and call her and we set up a time.

I meet her at school where we have to wait in a computer lab for something to process and I can tell that she seems nervous. Somehow her being nervous really sort of empowered me and though I was also freaking out... I took the lead role in the situation because... somebody had to. While we waited and chatted I decided to log on to the good ol' MySpace to kill some time. There on my page was a semi-suggestive comment from Texas Heather which made me smile. Fun to read but BAD TIMING... especially if L.A. Heather was doing any MySpace stalking while SHE was waiting. But we continue...

The process ends and L.A. Heather and I grab up our stuff and we head to my car where I drive her to a restaurant for lunch. I think our conversation went rather well - we didn't seem to run out of anything to say and she, for the most part, really seemed to remain in that nervous state. I took it as a good sign.

We left, I returned her to her car, I said something stupid about "thanks for being my school friend," missed an opportunity to give her a friendly hug, she departed and that was it.

Afterwards I thought, "That was great," but then there was nothing! I consulted with my friend advisors (including Lincoln... who I've yet to explain to you), I posted a blog quiz thing that (if she read it) made it clear that I don't pick up signals well so if the "reader" is interested they'll have to let me know, made comments on her page that suggested I was following up on our food conversations and etc.

Still nothing.

Lincoln advised me that if I really wanted to see her again that I had to continue taking the lead and send her some kind of message letting her know that I had fun and that I'd like to do it again.

Nothing.

On MySpace you can check to see if someone's read something... she'd read it. Nothing.

After about a week of nothingness (during which time Lincoln ALMOST convinced me to send a "oh well then nevermind" sort of note) L.A. Heather posted a rather personal blog about how she'd spent the last week ill, suffering and the doctors had given her more bad news.

So I forgave her for her nothingness. How could I not? But as days went on and she posted more bulletins and changed her page and etc.... in any of those days when she was feeling good enough to do those things... she could have sent some small note. And she hasn't.

My fear is that my "taking the lead because you're nervous" attitude... topped by her actual nervousness... really unsettled her normally outgoing/social/leader ways. Or maybe she saw the note from Texas Heather... or maybe the little jokes and comments on my page about being a "Playa"... or maybe she just didn't find me attractive. Who knows? I don't... because there has still been NOTHING.

And THAT brings us up to current on L.A. Heather.

Baxter

Baxter - Remember her? She said I was hot and then left the country promising to be back in two months... ring any bells?

Yeah I all but forgot about her too though while she was gone she did send a couple of notes from Internet cafes. Nothing exciting - just a few notes on how she loved traveling and how yes, the Japanese girls in uniform skirts WERE hot.

Then apparently she came back home and I heard NOTHING. I only figured out she was back in the country because her band's profile started being active again. I got some bulletins about new shows, new magazine articles and etc.

So finally I gave in (I was until then avoiding the contact since she didn't initiate anything upon her return) and sent a "Congratulations" note. (For the new album and etc.) She responded with a "Haven't seen your face in a while! You should come to a show!" So it was positive... yet it was still advertising her band. I sighed heavily and ignored the message.

About a month later (??) I changed my profile pic (it really is sorta sad that most of my life revolves around MySpace but... it just does) and she sent another note about how I looked cute (though stoned) in the pic. I have yet to answer that one. But I may tonight since I've just reminded myself of it.

Salizzle McHellNo

The tale of Salizzle was a short one though very entertaining and somewhat dramatic. As a recap from the last blog - I met her through SoYeahUm's friend. Me, SoYeahUm, Salizzle and the friend went to a little coffee club to hear a singer. After the evening she gave me a hug which I unexpectedly liked. It wasn't "expected" because she was much older than me and not my type at all but I enjoyed her.. I guess her smell. The shampoo/perfume concoction and the way she hugged. I really don't know what it was. The next week she showed up to a group thing I belong to, sat and talked with me for a while and then at the end - gave me another one of those hugs.

When I got home that evening I'd received an e-mail from her asking me out - I politely declined - using HotttGirl as my excuse. I explained that I was really only attracted to bisexual girls (or at least not the full force man dyke that she came across as).

Continuing from there - Salizzle began a regular correspondence with me. She explained that something almost magical had happened when we'd met at that coffee house. When she saw me she started getting chills. When we hugged it drove her a little mad. She'd spent the next few days thinking only of me and meditating on why this was. Her conclusion was that we'd known each other in a past life. When I declined her date she meditated again asking the universe specifically, "Well why won't she go out with me? How did we know each other?" Her meditations led her to the answer that in a past life we were two guy friends and we'd fallen for the same woman. Somehow this love for this woman led to Salizzle's downfall/death/whatever. Who the woman is in this life - we don't know. I guess I was the winner but ... I don't know. Now I'm not one to totally discount this meditation because I do very much believe in reincarnation... and there was that hug. I can't say that I felt magic sparks or remembered her/him or the love we fought over... but there WAS something.

Anyway - we continued talking... she e-mailed (via MySpace) like two or three times a day and continued to show up to our group meetings. I told SoYeahUm that she was strictly not allowed to give Salizzle my real e-mail address because she was getting a little out of hand with her long-winded messages and always seeming to show up at events I would be at. Our group went to a movie - she was there. SoYeahUm invited me to a board game party - she was there. Etc. Etc. Etc.

Additionally - Salizzle was/is FUNNY however her humor always seems to be a little crude. While I do find her jokes funny I also find them a little uncomfortable because they just seem like they are coming from a person that is not comfortable in their own skin.

She explained this indirectly by talking to me about how she's always been a little on the psychic side. Not enough to be on TV and find lost kids but enough to get her into trouble by remembering little snippets of past lives involving me.

Salizzle continued to talk to me so at some point I felt it necessary to go into more detail about my "relationship" with HotttGirl. Salizzle was very concerned and started sending me messages about how my spirit guides asked her spirit guides to tell her and to pass on the message that getting involved with married people was dangerous. Well no shit! Especially when the husbands are military trained.

But I gave her the good "I know" and just let it be. I did figure that it was time to fill HotttGirl in on our "relationship" though so one night on IM (which we rarely do anymore) I told her all about Salizzle. We also spent the night talking about relationships and kissing and my lack of experience in that department. (Not that I have a lack of "experience" but rather a lack of "variety" ... you see I've only kissed two girls - my two ex girlfriends.) This night of chat led to HotttGirl posting a couple of comments on my page about "The next time I kiss you I'm gonna squeeze your butt more..." etc. This was supposed to be a "hey back off Salizzle" and a justification to the few lies I'd told to S about why I did not want to go out with her.

Around this same time I had posted one of those bulletin things where the question is "What would you say if you woke up next to me in bed?" I thought better of it AFTER I'd posted it but too late - Salizzle responded and said something to the effect of, "Am I dreaming, gorgeous? I hope I don't have morning breath." She sent it twice because she thought it failed the first time. This and she didn't repost it for all to see (like you're supposed to) - she sent it only to me. It was creepy. It was gross. I felt that something needed to be done so I responded kinda rudely and basically said that she'd disturbed me.

Well she responded with an e-mail telling me that I'd "been a woman too long" because I had just hurt her feelings like a woman would. I thought, "Shit! Now I feel horrible but at least she'll go away!!" She didn't go away but instead sent a message apologizing for her overreaction but we haven't exchanged many e-mails since. Rude as I was - I think she finally got the hint that I wanted her to back off. She still shows up at the monthly events with the group we belong to but now we talk only a little (in this life we're still just acquaintances). E-mails stopped. It also helps that a month or so ago I received a note from her telling me that she'd met her soulmate and now had this woman as a girlfriend.

(The last time I saw her she was telling me about how she was having her new girlfriend read my profile and how they both agreed I was funny. I wonder if I'll ever meet this girlfriend and if she'll be that mysterious girl we fought over in that past life.)

Quick Run Down?

Let me see if I can give you the run down on all things me:

1) HotttGirl - Her husband went to the army and I was all but forgotten in her lonely days. Quite the opposite of the super drama I was expecting and in a way - WHEW! What a relief! She missed him to much to even consider cheating I think. He visited for the holidays. She moved back in with her parents and thus is only existing on Dial Up internet so no new random chats and nudie pix. Next month she'll move to Arizona with the husband and then she'll be even farther away and less of a temptation.

2) NowEx - We still hang out. We spent a lot of time over the holidays together... and often spent the night together cuddling. No sex! Strictly no sex! She did try to make moves on me a couple of times but I was having none of it. I do NOT want to be back together. This friendship yet cuddling yet sadness situation does leave us prone to arguments and un-voiced complaints.

3) Baxter - She's new. You haven't met her yet. Baxter is a bi-girl "in a relationship" who started messaging me on MySpace (what's new?). She's super attractive (not as hot as HottGirl but still..) and the lead singer of a punk band. I kinda got the vibe that she was hitting on me but I can't tell really because ... well.. I have no self-confidence. So everytime I think someone might be hitting on me - lately I've been forwarding the message to SoYeahUm. Her opinion was that the girl wanted attention and specifically attention for her band so I thought nothing of it UNTIL... Baxter sent me a message that specifically said, "I think you're hot. Do you like me?" Well I was like "Whoah! WTF?" I sent her a note back thanking her for making my year and to have a good trip. (A good trip? Yes - because she totally sent me that note along with the "I'm leaving the country for two months" addendum.) (I've been taking the two months to exercise and diet a little because THIS GIRL SHOULD NOT BE ATTRACTED TO ME AND SHOULD SHE COME BACK AND ACTUALLY WANT TO MEET ME... I'M A COW!)

4) HmmmHmmmWow: I went to a psychic a few months ago and the psychic physically described HmmmHmmmWow and said, "She is still really interested in you romantically." I called SoYeahUm and told her and she busted up laughing. Right after that I got an e-mail from HmmmHmmmWow asking me to hang out with her. I managed to blow her off politely (I think) but the hang out date was rescheduled for the new year after her return from a holiday trip. Nothing yet. I'm crossing my fingers she got the message.

5) Michael's Girl: You haven't heard about her yet. She's a girl I met on Craigslist - saw her Myspace and immediately determined that I was not interested. The feeling, however, was not mutual. I sent a mass invite to a Lesbian group thing that I'm a member of and she showed up. Still not interested. Later she invited me to a movie and referred to me as the "cute date" she'd like to take. I did not respond. HOWEVER... she's possibly got a hook up to an interesting job that I want and I fear that if she helps me get employed there... she'll expect more of me somehow.

6) Salizzle: New to you. New to me. I met her last week. She's a 40 year old butcher lesbian who I met through a friend of SoYeahUm. We all went to see a lesbian singer together and Salizzle was drawn to me. I commented on her nice necklace. She showed up to my Lesbian group thing with SoYeahUm and the mutual friend. She shared some jokes with me. And then I got home and she'd sent me an e-mail asking me out on a date. I didn't know what to do! 40 is quite a bit older than me and she was on the butch side. I don't really like the "butch" side. I politely declined telling her it would just be a waste of her time since I was pretty much only attracted to femmey bi girls and that I was still super infatuated with someone else. (HotttGirl. Which isn't true. I haven't really thought about her for a good month and a half. I really only like attention and when she stopped giving it to me... I got bored.)

7) Lincoln - A newer friend on MySpace from Ohio. We're talking more. Chatting more. We're clearly just the punch-each-other-on-the-arm type of buddies but it's good to know her as a character since she might show up again. Lincoln and SoYeahUm have also been chatting... also just chums but Lincoln every once in a while reports that SoYeahUm was asking questions about NowEx. (Since I talk to Lincoln more about things like that than I do with SoYeahUm.)

8) Minnie - the friend I might love? Well she's gone back to school and while she's out of sight...she's out of mind. I really don't think I'm in love with her but I'm definitely attached in some way.

9) PatGotAGuy and AndyGotAnAche - my two lesbian bosses at a newer job. AndyGotAnAche, once she figured out that I was gay, asked me out to the movies. I freaked out! Was this a date? She's probably in her early-fifties, butch and smokes far too much. Like too too much... to the extent that I can taste her when she enters a room and want to bring candles to work to cut the smell. Yuck. For Christmas she bought me pajama pants. What the hell is that about??

10) Not a person - a fact. I finally went to a gay bar WITHOUT a date. I went with SoYeahUm and some friends of hers. It was more like a lounge and with us all sitting at one table (two gay boys and three lesbians that weren't interested in each other) it was mildly entertaining. Also - felt a bit like I was on safari - hunting and being hunted. And let me tell you some of the girls there were AMAZINGLY HOT! Not what I expected at all. I guess I was expecting a bunch of flannel-wearing-mullet-types. I don't know why. I will likely go again but the entire time I was COMPLETELY AFRAID that HmmHmmWow was going to show up because it is one of her typical hang outs. SoYeahUm found this hilarious and kept teasing me.

And that should bring us up to date pretty much in the realm of the Refried Lesbean learning to be a proper single lesbian in Los Angeles.