Baxter - Remember her? She said I was hot and then left the country promising to be back in two months... ring any bells?
Yeah I all but forgot about her too though while she was gone she did send a couple of notes from Internet cafes. Nothing exciting - just a few notes on how she loved traveling and how yes, the Japanese girls in uniform skirts WERE hot.
Then apparently she came back home and I heard NOTHING. I only figured out she was back in the country because her band's profile started being active again. I got some bulletins about new shows, new magazine articles and etc.
So finally I gave in (I was until then avoiding the contact since she didn't initiate anything upon her return) and sent a "Congratulations" note. (For the new album and etc.) She responded with a "Haven't seen your face in a while! You should come to a show!" So it was positive... yet it was still advertising her band. I sighed heavily and ignored the message.
About a month later (??) I changed my profile pic (it really is sorta sad that most of my life revolves around MySpace but... it just does) and she sent another note about how I looked cute (though stoned) in the pic. I have yet to answer that one. But I may tonight since I've just reminded myself of it.
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Salizzle McHellNo
The tale of Salizzle was a short one though very entertaining and somewhat dramatic. As a recap from the last blog - I met her through SoYeahUm's friend. Me, SoYeahUm, Salizzle and the friend went to a little coffee club to hear a singer. After the evening she gave me a hug which I unexpectedly liked. It wasn't "expected" because she was much older than me and not my type at all but I enjoyed her.. I guess her smell. The shampoo/perfume concoction and the way she hugged. I really don't know what it was. The next week she showed up to a group thing I belong to, sat and talked with me for a while and then at the end - gave me another one of those hugs.
When I got home that evening I'd received an e-mail from her asking me out - I politely declined - using HotttGirl as my excuse. I explained that I was really only attracted to bisexual girls (or at least not the full force man dyke that she came across as).
Continuing from there - Salizzle began a regular correspondence with me. She explained that something almost magical had happened when we'd met at that coffee house. When she saw me she started getting chills. When we hugged it drove her a little mad. She'd spent the next few days thinking only of me and meditating on why this was. Her conclusion was that we'd known each other in a past life. When I declined her date she meditated again asking the universe specifically, "Well why won't she go out with me? How did we know each other?" Her meditations led her to the answer that in a past life we were two guy friends and we'd fallen for the same woman. Somehow this love for this woman led to Salizzle's downfall/death/whatever. Who the woman is in this life - we don't know. I guess I was the winner but ... I don't know. Now I'm not one to totally discount this meditation because I do very much believe in reincarnation... and there was that hug. I can't say that I felt magic sparks or remembered her/him or the love we fought over... but there WAS something.
Anyway - we continued talking... she e-mailed (via MySpace) like two or three times a day and continued to show up to our group meetings. I told SoYeahUm that she was strictly not allowed to give Salizzle my real e-mail address because she was getting a little out of hand with her long-winded messages and always seeming to show up at events I would be at. Our group went to a movie - she was there. SoYeahUm invited me to a board game party - she was there. Etc. Etc. Etc.
Additionally - Salizzle was/is FUNNY however her humor always seems to be a little crude. While I do find her jokes funny I also find them a little uncomfortable because they just seem like they are coming from a person that is not comfortable in their own skin.
She explained this indirectly by talking to me about how she's always been a little on the psychic side. Not enough to be on TV and find lost kids but enough to get her into trouble by remembering little snippets of past lives involving me.
Salizzle continued to talk to me so at some point I felt it necessary to go into more detail about my "relationship" with HotttGirl. Salizzle was very concerned and started sending me messages about how my spirit guides asked her spirit guides to tell her and to pass on the message that getting involved with married people was dangerous. Well no shit! Especially when the husbands are military trained.
But I gave her the good "I know" and just let it be. I did figure that it was time to fill HotttGirl in on our "relationship" though so one night on IM (which we rarely do anymore) I told her all about Salizzle. We also spent the night talking about relationships and kissing and my lack of experience in that department. (Not that I have a lack of "experience" but rather a lack of "variety" ... you see I've only kissed two girls - my two ex girlfriends.) This night of chat led to HotttGirl posting a couple of comments on my page about "The next time I kiss you I'm gonna squeeze your butt more..." etc. This was supposed to be a "hey back off Salizzle" and a justification to the few lies I'd told to S about why I did not want to go out with her.
Around this same time I had posted one of those bulletin things where the question is "What would you say if you woke up next to me in bed?" I thought better of it AFTER I'd posted it but too late - Salizzle responded and said something to the effect of, "Am I dreaming, gorgeous? I hope I don't have morning breath." She sent it twice because she thought it failed the first time. This and she didn't repost it for all to see (like you're supposed to) - she sent it only to me. It was creepy. It was gross. I felt that something needed to be done so I responded kinda rudely and basically said that she'd disturbed me.
Well she responded with an e-mail telling me that I'd "been a woman too long" because I had just hurt her feelings like a woman would. I thought, "Shit! Now I feel horrible but at least she'll go away!!" She didn't go away but instead sent a message apologizing for her overreaction but we haven't exchanged many e-mails since. Rude as I was - I think she finally got the hint that I wanted her to back off. She still shows up at the monthly events with the group we belong to but now we talk only a little (in this life we're still just acquaintances). E-mails stopped. It also helps that a month or so ago I received a note from her telling me that she'd met her soulmate and now had this woman as a girlfriend.
(The last time I saw her she was telling me about how she was having her new girlfriend read my profile and how they both agreed I was funny. I wonder if I'll ever meet this girlfriend and if she'll be that mysterious girl we fought over in that past life.)
When I got home that evening I'd received an e-mail from her asking me out - I politely declined - using HotttGirl as my excuse. I explained that I was really only attracted to bisexual girls (or at least not the full force man dyke that she came across as).
Continuing from there - Salizzle began a regular correspondence with me. She explained that something almost magical had happened when we'd met at that coffee house. When she saw me she started getting chills. When we hugged it drove her a little mad. She'd spent the next few days thinking only of me and meditating on why this was. Her conclusion was that we'd known each other in a past life. When I declined her date she meditated again asking the universe specifically, "Well why won't she go out with me? How did we know each other?" Her meditations led her to the answer that in a past life we were two guy friends and we'd fallen for the same woman. Somehow this love for this woman led to Salizzle's downfall/death/whatever. Who the woman is in this life - we don't know. I guess I was the winner but ... I don't know. Now I'm not one to totally discount this meditation because I do very much believe in reincarnation... and there was that hug. I can't say that I felt magic sparks or remembered her/him or the love we fought over... but there WAS something.
Anyway - we continued talking... she e-mailed (via MySpace) like two or three times a day and continued to show up to our group meetings. I told SoYeahUm that she was strictly not allowed to give Salizzle my real e-mail address because she was getting a little out of hand with her long-winded messages and always seeming to show up at events I would be at. Our group went to a movie - she was there. SoYeahUm invited me to a board game party - she was there. Etc. Etc. Etc.
Additionally - Salizzle was/is FUNNY however her humor always seems to be a little crude. While I do find her jokes funny I also find them a little uncomfortable because they just seem like they are coming from a person that is not comfortable in their own skin.
She explained this indirectly by talking to me about how she's always been a little on the psychic side. Not enough to be on TV and find lost kids but enough to get her into trouble by remembering little snippets of past lives involving me.
Salizzle continued to talk to me so at some point I felt it necessary to go into more detail about my "relationship" with HotttGirl. Salizzle was very concerned and started sending me messages about how my spirit guides asked her spirit guides to tell her and to pass on the message that getting involved with married people was dangerous. Well no shit! Especially when the husbands are military trained.
But I gave her the good "I know" and just let it be. I did figure that it was time to fill HotttGirl in on our "relationship" though so one night on IM (which we rarely do anymore) I told her all about Salizzle. We also spent the night talking about relationships and kissing and my lack of experience in that department. (Not that I have a lack of "experience" but rather a lack of "variety" ... you see I've only kissed two girls - my two ex girlfriends.) This night of chat led to HotttGirl posting a couple of comments on my page about "The next time I kiss you I'm gonna squeeze your butt more..." etc. This was supposed to be a "hey back off Salizzle" and a justification to the few lies I'd told to S about why I did not want to go out with her.
Around this same time I had posted one of those bulletin things where the question is "What would you say if you woke up next to me in bed?" I thought better of it AFTER I'd posted it but too late - Salizzle responded and said something to the effect of, "Am I dreaming, gorgeous? I hope I don't have morning breath." She sent it twice because she thought it failed the first time. This and she didn't repost it for all to see (like you're supposed to) - she sent it only to me. It was creepy. It was gross. I felt that something needed to be done so I responded kinda rudely and basically said that she'd disturbed me.
Well she responded with an e-mail telling me that I'd "been a woman too long" because I had just hurt her feelings like a woman would. I thought, "Shit! Now I feel horrible but at least she'll go away!!" She didn't go away but instead sent a message apologizing for her overreaction but we haven't exchanged many e-mails since. Rude as I was - I think she finally got the hint that I wanted her to back off. She still shows up at the monthly events with the group we belong to but now we talk only a little (in this life we're still just acquaintances). E-mails stopped. It also helps that a month or so ago I received a note from her telling me that she'd met her soulmate and now had this woman as a girlfriend.
(The last time I saw her she was telling me about how she was having her new girlfriend read my profile and how they both agreed I was funny. I wonder if I'll ever meet this girlfriend and if she'll be that mysterious girl we fought over in that past life.)
Quick Run Down?
Let me see if I can give you the run down on all things me:
1) HotttGirl - Her husband went to the army and I was all but forgotten in her lonely days. Quite the opposite of the super drama I was expecting and in a way - WHEW! What a relief! She missed him to much to even consider cheating I think. He visited for the holidays. She moved back in with her parents and thus is only existing on Dial Up internet so no new random chats and nudie pix. Next month she'll move to Arizona with the husband and then she'll be even farther away and less of a temptation.
2) NowEx - We still hang out. We spent a lot of time over the holidays together... and often spent the night together cuddling. No sex! Strictly no sex! She did try to make moves on me a couple of times but I was having none of it. I do NOT want to be back together. This friendship yet cuddling yet sadness situation does leave us prone to arguments and un-voiced complaints.
3) Baxter - She's new. You haven't met her yet. Baxter is a bi-girl "in a relationship" who started messaging me on MySpace (what's new?). She's super attractive (not as hot as HottGirl but still..) and the lead singer of a punk band. I kinda got the vibe that she was hitting on me but I can't tell really because ... well.. I have no self-confidence. So everytime I think someone might be hitting on me - lately I've been forwarding the message to SoYeahUm. Her opinion was that the girl wanted attention and specifically attention for her band so I thought nothing of it UNTIL... Baxter sent me a message that specifically said, "I think you're hot. Do you like me?" Well I was like "Whoah! WTF?" I sent her a note back thanking her for making my year and to have a good trip. (A good trip? Yes - because she totally sent me that note along with the "I'm leaving the country for two months" addendum.) (I've been taking the two months to exercise and diet a little because THIS GIRL SHOULD NOT BE ATTRACTED TO ME AND SHOULD SHE COME BACK AND ACTUALLY WANT TO MEET ME... I'M A COW!)
4) HmmmHmmmWow: I went to a psychic a few months ago and the psychic physically described HmmmHmmmWow and said, "She is still really interested in you romantically." I called SoYeahUm and told her and she busted up laughing. Right after that I got an e-mail from HmmmHmmmWow asking me to hang out with her. I managed to blow her off politely (I think) but the hang out date was rescheduled for the new year after her return from a holiday trip. Nothing yet. I'm crossing my fingers she got the message.
5) Michael's Girl: You haven't heard about her yet. She's a girl I met on Craigslist - saw her Myspace and immediately determined that I was not interested. The feeling, however, was not mutual. I sent a mass invite to a Lesbian group thing that I'm a member of and she showed up. Still not interested. Later she invited me to a movie and referred to me as the "cute date" she'd like to take. I did not respond. HOWEVER... she's possibly got a hook up to an interesting job that I want and I fear that if she helps me get employed there... she'll expect more of me somehow.
6) Salizzle: New to you. New to me. I met her last week. She's a 40 year old butcher lesbian who I met through a friend of SoYeahUm. We all went to see a lesbian singer together and Salizzle was drawn to me. I commented on her nice necklace. She showed up to my Lesbian group thing with SoYeahUm and the mutual friend. She shared some jokes with me. And then I got home and she'd sent me an e-mail asking me out on a date. I didn't know what to do! 40 is quite a bit older than me and she was on the butch side. I don't really like the "butch" side. I politely declined telling her it would just be a waste of her time since I was pretty much only attracted to femmey bi girls and that I was still super infatuated with someone else. (HotttGirl. Which isn't true. I haven't really thought about her for a good month and a half. I really only like attention and when she stopped giving it to me... I got bored.)
7) Lincoln - A newer friend on MySpace from Ohio. We're talking more. Chatting more. We're clearly just the punch-each-other-on-the-arm type of buddies but it's good to know her as a character since she might show up again. Lincoln and SoYeahUm have also been chatting... also just chums but Lincoln every once in a while reports that SoYeahUm was asking questions about NowEx. (Since I talk to Lincoln more about things like that than I do with SoYeahUm.)
8) Minnie - the friend I might love? Well she's gone back to school and while she's out of sight...she's out of mind. I really don't think I'm in love with her but I'm definitely attached in some way.
9) PatGotAGuy and AndyGotAnAche - my two lesbian bosses at a newer job. AndyGotAnAche, once she figured out that I was gay, asked me out to the movies. I freaked out! Was this a date? She's probably in her early-fifties, butch and smokes far too much. Like too too much... to the extent that I can taste her when she enters a room and want to bring candles to work to cut the smell. Yuck. For Christmas she bought me pajama pants. What the hell is that about??
10) Not a person - a fact. I finally went to a gay bar WITHOUT a date. I went with SoYeahUm and some friends of hers. It was more like a lounge and with us all sitting at one table (two gay boys and three lesbians that weren't interested in each other) it was mildly entertaining. Also - felt a bit like I was on safari - hunting and being hunted. And let me tell you some of the girls there were AMAZINGLY HOT! Not what I expected at all. I guess I was expecting a bunch of flannel-wearing-mullet-types. I don't know why. I will likely go again but the entire time I was COMPLETELY AFRAID that HmmHmmWow was going to show up because it is one of her typical hang outs. SoYeahUm found this hilarious and kept teasing me.
And that should bring us up to date pretty much in the realm of the Refried Lesbean learning to be a proper single lesbian in Los Angeles.
1) HotttGirl - Her husband went to the army and I was all but forgotten in her lonely days. Quite the opposite of the super drama I was expecting and in a way - WHEW! What a relief! She missed him to much to even consider cheating I think. He visited for the holidays. She moved back in with her parents and thus is only existing on Dial Up internet so no new random chats and nudie pix. Next month she'll move to Arizona with the husband and then she'll be even farther away and less of a temptation.
2) NowEx - We still hang out. We spent a lot of time over the holidays together... and often spent the night together cuddling. No sex! Strictly no sex! She did try to make moves on me a couple of times but I was having none of it. I do NOT want to be back together. This friendship yet cuddling yet sadness situation does leave us prone to arguments and un-voiced complaints.
3) Baxter - She's new. You haven't met her yet. Baxter is a bi-girl "in a relationship" who started messaging me on MySpace (what's new?). She's super attractive (not as hot as HottGirl but still..) and the lead singer of a punk band. I kinda got the vibe that she was hitting on me but I can't tell really because ... well.. I have no self-confidence. So everytime I think someone might be hitting on me - lately I've been forwarding the message to SoYeahUm. Her opinion was that the girl wanted attention and specifically attention for her band so I thought nothing of it UNTIL... Baxter sent me a message that specifically said, "I think you're hot. Do you like me?" Well I was like "Whoah! WTF?" I sent her a note back thanking her for making my year and to have a good trip. (A good trip? Yes - because she totally sent me that note along with the "I'm leaving the country for two months" addendum.) (I've been taking the two months to exercise and diet a little because THIS GIRL SHOULD NOT BE ATTRACTED TO ME AND SHOULD SHE COME BACK AND ACTUALLY WANT TO MEET ME... I'M A COW!)
4) HmmmHmmmWow: I went to a psychic a few months ago and the psychic physically described HmmmHmmmWow and said, "She is still really interested in you romantically." I called SoYeahUm and told her and she busted up laughing. Right after that I got an e-mail from HmmmHmmmWow asking me to hang out with her. I managed to blow her off politely (I think) but the hang out date was rescheduled for the new year after her return from a holiday trip. Nothing yet. I'm crossing my fingers she got the message.
5) Michael's Girl: You haven't heard about her yet. She's a girl I met on Craigslist - saw her Myspace and immediately determined that I was not interested. The feeling, however, was not mutual. I sent a mass invite to a Lesbian group thing that I'm a member of and she showed up. Still not interested. Later she invited me to a movie and referred to me as the "cute date" she'd like to take. I did not respond. HOWEVER... she's possibly got a hook up to an interesting job that I want and I fear that if she helps me get employed there... she'll expect more of me somehow.
6) Salizzle: New to you. New to me. I met her last week. She's a 40 year old butcher lesbian who I met through a friend of SoYeahUm. We all went to see a lesbian singer together and Salizzle was drawn to me. I commented on her nice necklace. She showed up to my Lesbian group thing with SoYeahUm and the mutual friend. She shared some jokes with me. And then I got home and she'd sent me an e-mail asking me out on a date. I didn't know what to do! 40 is quite a bit older than me and she was on the butch side. I don't really like the "butch" side. I politely declined telling her it would just be a waste of her time since I was pretty much only attracted to femmey bi girls and that I was still super infatuated with someone else. (HotttGirl. Which isn't true. I haven't really thought about her for a good month and a half. I really only like attention and when she stopped giving it to me... I got bored.)
7) Lincoln - A newer friend on MySpace from Ohio. We're talking more. Chatting more. We're clearly just the punch-each-other-on-the-arm type of buddies but it's good to know her as a character since she might show up again. Lincoln and SoYeahUm have also been chatting... also just chums but Lincoln every once in a while reports that SoYeahUm was asking questions about NowEx. (Since I talk to Lincoln more about things like that than I do with SoYeahUm.)
8) Minnie - the friend I might love? Well she's gone back to school and while she's out of sight...she's out of mind. I really don't think I'm in love with her but I'm definitely attached in some way.
9) PatGotAGuy and AndyGotAnAche - my two lesbian bosses at a newer job. AndyGotAnAche, once she figured out that I was gay, asked me out to the movies. I freaked out! Was this a date? She's probably in her early-fifties, butch and smokes far too much. Like too too much... to the extent that I can taste her when she enters a room and want to bring candles to work to cut the smell. Yuck. For Christmas she bought me pajama pants. What the hell is that about??
10) Not a person - a fact. I finally went to a gay bar WITHOUT a date. I went with SoYeahUm and some friends of hers. It was more like a lounge and with us all sitting at one table (two gay boys and three lesbians that weren't interested in each other) it was mildly entertaining. Also - felt a bit like I was on safari - hunting and being hunted. And let me tell you some of the girls there were AMAZINGLY HOT! Not what I expected at all. I guess I was expecting a bunch of flannel-wearing-mullet-types. I don't know why. I will likely go again but the entire time I was COMPLETELY AFRAID that HmmHmmWow was going to show up because it is one of her typical hang outs. SoYeahUm found this hilarious and kept teasing me.
And that should bring us up to date pretty much in the realm of the Refried Lesbean learning to be a proper single lesbian in Los Angeles.
Happy New Year
Do you ever get that feeling that you've been talked into something ... and maybe its true or maybe you're just talked into it ... or maybe it was true all along and everybody noticed but you?
I met this girl in college. I remember the first moment I saw her. I thought, "This girl looks out of place here. She looks lost. A little scared. She looks like I feel." Then it turned out that she was going to my school and that she was moving in to the room next door.
We became fast friends - both a little out of place having come from the same city and having moved across the country to an entirely different place. I remember being jealous every time she had a new friend. Especially a new friend that was closer to her than me. I have a lot of trouble just being comfortable with people and some people just have it so easy. They just settle in and have the confidences of people. That's what I wanted with her but she found it in other people because I was so insecure.
She decided to graduate early and took the extra classes and the summer classes and transferred to the campus our school had in our hometown just to be home earlier. Two years into college and my college best friend abandoned me. I was totally at a loss but in a way it was good because I was forced to meet new people and form new friendships instead of my own slightly obsessive one. (Looking back now - I realize it was slightly obsessive.)
But since she was from my hometown - she was still in my life - but ever since our relationship has been difficult. I just want her all to myself but I can't be comfortable in a room with her. I get insecure. I get quiet. I get weird. So it was easy for her to lose touch with me.
Recently she moved out of town and decided to go to law school. She doesn't plan on ever coming back but she visits. And when she visits she only sees me with others. My other friends have that ease with people and those friends adopted her and get alone with her "easily." No weirdness.
Well one of these mutual friends started teasing me a year or so ago. She says that she and our other friend just like to make up lies and then tease people about it because its funny. Well she decided to start saying things like, "If you wear that low cut top you'll make Sara happy!" to my college friend. (We'll call her Minnie.) And just otherwise inferring that I was attracted to Minnie. (You must understand that all of my friends are straight girls.)
She'd laugh and cringe and say "Stop!" and I'd do the same because Minnie was my friend and I just couldn't think of my friend in that way. It was gross. I loved her but NOT in that way.
But that seed was planted and I always wondered why. Why did they say that about her and not about anyone else? Did they know something? I mean - did Minnie say something? Could Minnie be attracted to me? It was impossible - she was/is so straight. But the thought made me fantasize. At first - nothing. I couldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to think of her in that way and I still can't. But I also can't account for why I get SO jealous and hurt when she goes out with people and not me. Or meets guys at bars. Or whatever.
Tonight was New Year's Eve and Minnie is in town. She, me, my ex and the friend that started the teasing went to a local bar. I HATE bars. I LOATHE bars. But being with Minnie is a plus - even though I know that the evening will end badly for me since I hate the experience. Everything was OK though - we were getting along well. Nobody was interfering with us. But then someone decided we should go to the dance floor. My ex and Minnie were dancing with me until some dude took Minnie away. Then took her outside. Then I left to go to the bathroom and apparently Minnie and the guy went outside. Later we found her and she came back in with us but then it was midnight... and the guy showed up again and took her away. Then some dude started dancing with my ex. I got upset and decided I would leave. My ex naturally assumed it was because of the guy dancing with her and I tried to let her believe that but inside I knew that I only ever get upset... I only hate bars... because Minnie leaves me. I realize now that I don't get upset when my other friends dance with guys. Or even when my ex dances with guys. I only get upset because Minnie leaves me. Because she talks to other people. Because I can't hold her attention.
I know Minnie loves me but I don't know how to make her understand the feelings I have. Because they are just strong encompassing feelings of friendship. Like a feeling or an attachment from another lifetime. In this life we are friends. Maybe in a past life we were lovers.
But the dilemma is... have I really always felt this way? Or have I been sort of talked into this feeling. I don't think I'm "in love" with her but I sure wonder about it a lot. It would explain the jealousy. I can only hope that I'm not because there would be no where to put that love.
I left soon after midnight - pissed because Minnie was "busy" with the guy and just wanting to leave without saying anything. My ex got mad at me for making her feel like she should be upset about me leaving.... I just wanted to leave to be with my encompassing weirdness.
I wanted Minnie to say something tomorrow about "Why did you leave? I wish you had stayed." But for too long I've made known my hatred of bars so no one even bothers to question when I go. In fact, that's probably one of the reasons I further lost touch with Minnie - because I wouldn't go to bars and my other friends would.
Minnie's been afraid to tell me things because she thinks I would disapprove. And I would disapprove. But not because I judge or just generally disapprove - but because I love her and worry about her. If someone else did something dumb - I would just judge. With her I get upset, worried, jealous.
I'm saying the same thing over and over again. Basically - it's New Year's Day and I rung in 2006 by being jealous about a friend again and I just don't know if its me being lonely and needing the attention of my friends... or because I'm experiencing unrequited love and I just haven't figured it out yet.
I met this girl in college. I remember the first moment I saw her. I thought, "This girl looks out of place here. She looks lost. A little scared. She looks like I feel." Then it turned out that she was going to my school and that she was moving in to the room next door.
We became fast friends - both a little out of place having come from the same city and having moved across the country to an entirely different place. I remember being jealous every time she had a new friend. Especially a new friend that was closer to her than me. I have a lot of trouble just being comfortable with people and some people just have it so easy. They just settle in and have the confidences of people. That's what I wanted with her but she found it in other people because I was so insecure.
She decided to graduate early and took the extra classes and the summer classes and transferred to the campus our school had in our hometown just to be home earlier. Two years into college and my college best friend abandoned me. I was totally at a loss but in a way it was good because I was forced to meet new people and form new friendships instead of my own slightly obsessive one. (Looking back now - I realize it was slightly obsessive.)
But since she was from my hometown - she was still in my life - but ever since our relationship has been difficult. I just want her all to myself but I can't be comfortable in a room with her. I get insecure. I get quiet. I get weird. So it was easy for her to lose touch with me.
Recently she moved out of town and decided to go to law school. She doesn't plan on ever coming back but she visits. And when she visits she only sees me with others. My other friends have that ease with people and those friends adopted her and get alone with her "easily." No weirdness.
Well one of these mutual friends started teasing me a year or so ago. She says that she and our other friend just like to make up lies and then tease people about it because its funny. Well she decided to start saying things like, "If you wear that low cut top you'll make Sara happy!" to my college friend. (We'll call her Minnie.) And just otherwise inferring that I was attracted to Minnie. (You must understand that all of my friends are straight girls.)
She'd laugh and cringe and say "Stop!" and I'd do the same because Minnie was my friend and I just couldn't think of my friend in that way. It was gross. I loved her but NOT in that way.
But that seed was planted and I always wondered why. Why did they say that about her and not about anyone else? Did they know something? I mean - did Minnie say something? Could Minnie be attracted to me? It was impossible - she was/is so straight. But the thought made me fantasize. At first - nothing. I couldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to think of her in that way and I still can't. But I also can't account for why I get SO jealous and hurt when she goes out with people and not me. Or meets guys at bars. Or whatever.
Tonight was New Year's Eve and Minnie is in town. She, me, my ex and the friend that started the teasing went to a local bar. I HATE bars. I LOATHE bars. But being with Minnie is a plus - even though I know that the evening will end badly for me since I hate the experience. Everything was OK though - we were getting along well. Nobody was interfering with us. But then someone decided we should go to the dance floor. My ex and Minnie were dancing with me until some dude took Minnie away. Then took her outside. Then I left to go to the bathroom and apparently Minnie and the guy went outside. Later we found her and she came back in with us but then it was midnight... and the guy showed up again and took her away. Then some dude started dancing with my ex. I got upset and decided I would leave. My ex naturally assumed it was because of the guy dancing with her and I tried to let her believe that but inside I knew that I only ever get upset... I only hate bars... because Minnie leaves me. I realize now that I don't get upset when my other friends dance with guys. Or even when my ex dances with guys. I only get upset because Minnie leaves me. Because she talks to other people. Because I can't hold her attention.
I know Minnie loves me but I don't know how to make her understand the feelings I have. Because they are just strong encompassing feelings of friendship. Like a feeling or an attachment from another lifetime. In this life we are friends. Maybe in a past life we were lovers.
But the dilemma is... have I really always felt this way? Or have I been sort of talked into this feeling. I don't think I'm "in love" with her but I sure wonder about it a lot. It would explain the jealousy. I can only hope that I'm not because there would be no where to put that love.
I left soon after midnight - pissed because Minnie was "busy" with the guy and just wanting to leave without saying anything. My ex got mad at me for making her feel like she should be upset about me leaving.... I just wanted to leave to be with my encompassing weirdness.
I wanted Minnie to say something tomorrow about "Why did you leave? I wish you had stayed." But for too long I've made known my hatred of bars so no one even bothers to question when I go. In fact, that's probably one of the reasons I further lost touch with Minnie - because I wouldn't go to bars and my other friends would.
Minnie's been afraid to tell me things because she thinks I would disapprove. And I would disapprove. But not because I judge or just generally disapprove - but because I love her and worry about her. If someone else did something dumb - I would just judge. With her I get upset, worried, jealous.
I'm saying the same thing over and over again. Basically - it's New Year's Day and I rung in 2006 by being jealous about a friend again and I just don't know if its me being lonely and needing the attention of my friends... or because I'm experiencing unrequited love and I just haven't figured it out yet.
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