Do you ever get that feeling that you've been talked into something ... and maybe its true or maybe you're just talked into it ... or maybe it was true all along and everybody noticed but you?
I met this girl in college. I remember the first moment I saw her. I thought, "This girl looks out of place here. She looks lost. A little scared. She looks like I feel." Then it turned out that she was going to my school and that she was moving in to the room next door.
We became fast friends - both a little out of place having come from the same city and having moved across the country to an entirely different place. I remember being jealous every time she had a new friend. Especially a new friend that was closer to her than me. I have a lot of trouble just being comfortable with people and some people just have it so easy. They just settle in and have the confidences of people. That's what I wanted with her but she found it in other people because I was so insecure.
She decided to graduate early and took the extra classes and the summer classes and transferred to the campus our school had in our hometown just to be home earlier. Two years into college and my college best friend abandoned me. I was totally at a loss but in a way it was good because I was forced to meet new people and form new friendships instead of my own slightly obsessive one. (Looking back now - I realize it was slightly obsessive.)
But since she was from my hometown - she was still in my life - but ever since our relationship has been difficult. I just want her all to myself but I can't be comfortable in a room with her. I get insecure. I get quiet. I get weird. So it was easy for her to lose touch with me.
Recently she moved out of town and decided to go to law school. She doesn't plan on ever coming back but she visits. And when she visits she only sees me with others. My other friends have that ease with people and those friends adopted her and get alone with her "easily." No weirdness.
Well one of these mutual friends started teasing me a year or so ago. She says that she and our other friend just like to make up lies and then tease people about it because its funny. Well she decided to start saying things like, "If you wear that low cut top you'll make Sara happy!" to my college friend. (We'll call her Minnie.) And just otherwise inferring that I was attracted to Minnie. (You must understand that all of my friends are straight girls.)
She'd laugh and cringe and say "Stop!" and I'd do the same because Minnie was my friend and I just couldn't think of my friend in that way. It was gross. I loved her but NOT in that way.
But that seed was planted and I always wondered why. Why did they say that about her and not about anyone else? Did they know something? I mean - did Minnie say something? Could Minnie be attracted to me? It was impossible - she was/is so straight. But the thought made me fantasize. At first - nothing. I couldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to think of her in that way and I still can't. But I also can't account for why I get SO jealous and hurt when she goes out with people and not me. Or meets guys at bars. Or whatever.
Tonight was New Year's Eve and Minnie is in town. She, me, my ex and the friend that started the teasing went to a local bar. I HATE bars. I LOATHE bars. But being with Minnie is a plus - even though I know that the evening will end badly for me since I hate the experience. Everything was OK though - we were getting along well. Nobody was interfering with us. But then someone decided we should go to the dance floor. My ex and Minnie were dancing with me until some dude took Minnie away. Then took her outside. Then I left to go to the bathroom and apparently Minnie and the guy went outside. Later we found her and she came back in with us but then it was midnight... and the guy showed up again and took her away. Then some dude started dancing with my ex. I got upset and decided I would leave. My ex naturally assumed it was because of the guy dancing with her and I tried to let her believe that but inside I knew that I only ever get upset... I only hate bars... because Minnie leaves me. I realize now that I don't get upset when my other friends dance with guys. Or even when my ex dances with guys. I only get upset because Minnie leaves me. Because she talks to other people. Because I can't hold her attention.
I know Minnie loves me but I don't know how to make her understand the feelings I have. Because they are just strong encompassing feelings of friendship. Like a feeling or an attachment from another lifetime. In this life we are friends. Maybe in a past life we were lovers.
But the dilemma is... have I really always felt this way? Or have I been sort of talked into this feeling. I don't think I'm "in love" with her but I sure wonder about it a lot. It would explain the jealousy. I can only hope that I'm not because there would be no where to put that love.
I left soon after midnight - pissed because Minnie was "busy" with the guy and just wanting to leave without saying anything. My ex got mad at me for making her feel like she should be upset about me leaving.... I just wanted to leave to be with my encompassing weirdness.
I wanted Minnie to say something tomorrow about "Why did you leave? I wish you had stayed." But for too long I've made known my hatred of bars so no one even bothers to question when I go. In fact, that's probably one of the reasons I further lost touch with Minnie - because I wouldn't go to bars and my other friends would.
Minnie's been afraid to tell me things because she thinks I would disapprove. And I would disapprove. But not because I judge or just generally disapprove - but because I love her and worry about her. If someone else did something dumb - I would just judge. With her I get upset, worried, jealous.
I'm saying the same thing over and over again. Basically - it's New Year's Day and I rung in 2006 by being jealous about a friend again and I just don't know if its me being lonely and needing the attention of my friends... or because I'm experiencing unrequited love and I just haven't figured it out yet.
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