Where are the other characters?
Well Franco got REALLY jealous over HotttGirl and Texas Heather so I lost touch with them for a while. I still get the occasional text from Texas Heather. HotttGirl got upset about Franco because she was afraid she'd lose me as a friend. And it just so happened that after last week's "break-up" in which I took Franco's status away - HotttGirl was the first person I talked to (via IM). So, as Franco put it, she was there to "comfort me" and Franco was PISSSSSSED! Which I found entertaining. I still love that HotttGirl because of that flattery!
Lincoln is still around and slightly bitter that my attention has been distracted by Franco.
Irritating Girl still occasionally talks to Franco but does not seem to be talking to me. (I'm hoping that sticks.)
There's a new character that may show up again - Clarice Starling. Clarice is a girl I met in a group a few months ago who recently showed up again at a movie screening. After that night she gave me her number and we've had two hour long phone conversations (separate nights). (The second conversation was a drunk dial.) Clarice is an interesting girl and very pretty - way out of my league AND I'm not attracted to her in the slightest. (Now.) She's quite a talker (way too much) and far too skinny and "attractive" for my tastes. Really I like a little meat. (Can I just pause here to say that Franco's body was SOOOO wonderful! DAMN I'm going to miss it.) Anyway - Clarice clearly has no interest in me and sees me only as a friend but I figure she's worth adding to the character list just in case there's a lonely night, some alcohol and a need for a rebound snuggling. Ha!
SoYeahUm has been annoying, as per usual, but friendly. She plans to move back to the midwest sometime later this year - having not successfully found what she was looking for. Whatever that was.
Los Angeles Heather has been contacting me more lately. It was like she detected my relationship status and either felt safer contacting me or wanted to stir things up. She even said she wanted to arrange another dinner outing with me! Signals are crazy things.
I've really felt no excitement towards any of my regular women since Franco showed up and I'm hoping to build some of that up again. Though now my days of being a fake "playa" feel dumb.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
July 27 - A Moon
It's been almost exactly a month since my last post and a lot has happened (since a lot seems to happen in a short amount of time).
I'd like to touch on many things via bullet points:
- Shortly after my return to Los Angeles and Franco's return to her "normal life" with her husband - she decided that she just couldn't take the fighting and the yelling and just didn't know how to handle everything that was going on all at once. She decided to move out for a while. Fortunately the couple had an apartment building with two empties. Her cousin moved into one and she snatched the other and on moving day her cousins helped her move in a bed, a chair and some basic necessities. She loved it! She loved the freedom. She loved the low maintenance place and even began decorating. But her husband wasn't happy and his pride was getting more and more wounded.
- The time that Franco lived in the apartment was a wonderful trip for the two of us. She was nice to me all of the time. Couldn't wait to talk to me. We had a couple of wonderful nights exploring the new sexual aspect of our relationship via phone. Etc. Etc.
- But all good things must come to an end and Franco's husband put an end date on her staying at the apartment by renting it out to a new tenant that was set to move in on August 1st. We had a date. A date by which we knew things were going to end for our little fantasy world.
- I had a conversation with Franco - a brief one. Basically, I said, if you move back in with your husband I will no longer call you my "girlfriend." A simple word but now that our feelings had grown and changed (since my last blog I'd started to accept that I was falling in love with her) I would simply no longer be able to tolerate her being "unfaithful" to me by way of being faithful to her husband. She understood and she knew... if she moves back home... she loses her girlfriend.
- One night Franco stayed out late and reconnected with an old female friend from college. Franco's husband spent the night calling her and calling her (his jealousy, his lack of trust, his loss of pride, his embarassment ... all of these things just kept building and building within him making each day a little more unbearable - yet she still felt no regret for what she'd done with me). Eventually her cell phone died but she thought nothing of it. Her old friend and her went back to her place to carry on their conversation and being that there was no furniture - they sat on her bed and talked. Well then Franco's husband showed up and caught them "together in bed" and FREAKED OUT (since now he doesn't trust her with any woman). He lost it and the way he was handling their baby (whom he'd brought along) scared Franco. He told her that if she wanted to see her baby - she had to come home! And he turned around and left with their son. So she called me and told me that because of what happened (and she was crying and scared when she called) that she had to go home. And she did. And she spent that night in their basement.
- The next day she'd assumed that she'd lost me because of the move home but I told her that since it wasn't by choice - I couldn't take her status away. And she proceeded to call me and text me whenever she could but the change from her calling me whenever to going back to the OLD way (calling and texting only on the sly) was incredibly upsetting.
- Please understand that I do not know her husband. And I do not blame him for anything he's done in his reaction. And I definitely don't think he deserves what happened ... but I had fallen for his wife. And his wife had fallen for me. Her concern, however, continued to be her "pride" in her house and the way her "perfect" little family looked on the outside. More and more I could feel her pulling away from me and back towards this "perfect" little life. However one move back to her family would have been easier than the constant, "I don't think this marriage is going to last," and "I talked about you with my friend all night," and "Today he told me he was getting a lawyer tomorrow," and etc. Yes it was all true but it was all conjecture and LEADING ME ON. For whatever reason ... I had some sort of hope that things might actually work out for us ... and so I continued to open up my heart to her.
- Last Monday I awoke from an uncomfortable dream. A dream in which I was reacting to my trust issues. How could I trust a girl that lives nowhere near me... a girl that has obvious issues with being faithful? My fears were calmed when she called me that morning all giddy and told me that she'd just had a wonderful dream about the two of us getting married. I was all smiles until she slipped and said, "My husband got out of bed early this morning and yelled at me because he couldn't sleep because he kept thinking about what I'd done." "Wait... what?," I said, "Did you just say your husband got out of bed? When did your husband and you start sleeping together again?" She told me he'd started the night before. Two nights. He'd been sleeping with her for two nights and she didn't think it was important to mention. I died a little right there and my day was totally fucked.
- She knew it was coming but because of family issues (a death) she'd asked me to not "change" anything that week. But I was dying. Tuesday she had her first therapy appointment since our weekend - something that everybody had been begging her to do because her behavior (crying, numbness, self-inflicted injuries - totally my fault because I'd told her about my issues with that and she'd wanted to be like me) had been hard to talk her through. Afterwards she called me to tell me how it had gone and she told me that if I needed to have a conversation with her I could. So I did it - I took away her "girlfriend" title and begged her not to talk to me about her life with her husband anymore because it was too painful. She didn't argue. She didn't fight. She accepted it. And that killed me most of all.
- I spent Tuesday and Wednesday in a haze of that old familiar broken-hearted feeling though I knew I'd done it myself. She hadn't cheated on me.... she'd just been laying in the same bed as her husband... avoiding him as she'd done for all the months involved in our romance. But now it was different. And now with her therapy and her upcoming marriage counseling appointments and her moving home and her NOT kicking her husband out of bed and her NOT getting her own lawyer and her NOT being proactive in any way towards the ending of her marriage - I felt as if I was getting kicked to the curb. And could I blame her? No. But I did finally feel like I could want more than what she was willing to give.
- We talked several times with her trying to keep everything friendly but I was in pain and I was angry and so I reacted coldly and "tough" as she kept describing me. But she could still break me down and we ended up having nice conversations. Familiar conversations. And I told her that I was still her "mistress"... just not her girlfriend. And she began to open up a little more about her pain around me and the loss of her title and actually made me feel wanted again. And she managed to lead me on again... though I don't think she ever did or ever does it intentionally. She just wants me but she doesn't want to stir up her life. She would prefer it be done TO her instead of BY her.
- Monday I hurt my back and by Tuesday it was bad enough to seek an emergency appointment with my chiropractor. The woman approaches pain in a holistic manner and after a number of emotional/spiritual tests she determined that my back injury was due to my heavy emotions around a certain romantic relationship - I wonder who! I told Franco when I got home (she'd been checking up on my twice an hour - a perfect caring girlfriend type of thing to do) and she really took it seriously.
- Last night she went out drinking with co-workers and stayed out until all hours getting drunker and drunker. When she returned home she found her husband - drunk off his ass - and surrounded by holes punched in walls (blood everywhere), broken phones, broken pictures, broken EVERYTHING. Franco's sister (an off-duty cop) was there too and had been there calming her husband down for a while. She (the sister) drove him to the apartment to keep him away from Franco for the night (who was now terrified). He left with a case of beer, a bottle of pills and no phone so Franco and her sister called the police and asked them to check up on him. Franco called me to recount the evening and she was scared and crying and still horribly drunk. This morning she awoke to him standing next to her bed yelling at her and still horribly drunk. She was scared again and didn't know what to do so she called the police again. When they arrived he was being a sarcastic ass to one of the officers so they decided to arrest him. Franco begged them not to but they told her it was the third time they'd had to deal with him (so apparently they'd been called by someone else during the night) and that they were afraid of what he'd do to her if they left. They suggested that they would keep him until he sobered up. Franco called her parents and went to their house and told them everything (much they'd already known from guessing and hints) about us and why she felt that her husband shouldn't be in jail and everything. Her dad, whom she looks up to more than anybody, said he wasn't defending her husband but that he could understand why he was reacting the way he was. And for whatever reason - the guilt she hadn't felt about what she'd done with me (about what she'd been continuing to do with me) suddenly rushed in and hit her. All because of her dad not condemning her husband for his behavior. She decided then that she had to give her marriage a decent shot. She had to be honest with her husband and by honest that meant that when she said, "No I'm not talking to her!" she wanted it to be true. She continued to call the police throughout the day and they told her they'd be keeping him for the night because they wanted to do a psychological evaluation and they couldn't do that until tomorrow. She felt horrible. She wanted to be honest. She wanted to give her marriage one last chance. And she didn't want to hurt me anymore with her inability to give him up and the emotional stress that led to back injuries and etc. And so she decided she had to give me up once and for all. She talked to me for an hour... all around it and never getting to it until the end of the conversation. She talked about the knots she'd had in her stomach and the fear she had of talking to me... and so I feel like the best gift I could ever give her is to just let it be easy for her.
- So yes... I'm angry. I'm hurt. I feel betrayed. But I'm also sooo proud of her for finally making a decision in a direction. And rather like Catherine Zeta-Jones' character in the movie THE TERMINAL - I was rooting for the husband. And she's told me that she just wants to do things honestly - even if it is to separate and get a divorce amicably. She said she wants to be my girlfriend easily - with no distractions and no guilt about what being my girlfriend does to other people. I have nothing but respect for her. It maybe makes me fall for her even a little more. But how am I going to deal with her disappearing. Is it even going to work? Every other time we've had this talk (and admittedly it's been me more than it's been her) - we've just given up on trying to give each other up. We're addicted to each other. How is this time going to be any different?
Since last week's drama I've been slowly patching up all the little holes in my "wall" that she'd managed to get through. My wall, however, wasn't all that strong to begin with. I really have been really open to people lately so I don't want to over-patch the holes. The only person that's going to have trouble getting in (I think) is her again. Yes, I cried today but not as much as last week. There is a numbness that she's building in me and maybe it will be best if I hone that numbness and use it to keep her away if she tries to come back. I guess only time will tell right now. Brain says, "Keep her on the right path. Don't tempt her. Don't call her. Don't answer her calls." Heart says, "Remind her that you exist. That you're waiting. That you're hurting because of her. Guilt her into coming back to you." Thus far the Heart has won 90 percent of the battles. And this time I'm really rooting for the Brain.
I'd like to touch on many things via bullet points:
- Shortly after my return to Los Angeles and Franco's return to her "normal life" with her husband - she decided that she just couldn't take the fighting and the yelling and just didn't know how to handle everything that was going on all at once. She decided to move out for a while. Fortunately the couple had an apartment building with two empties. Her cousin moved into one and she snatched the other and on moving day her cousins helped her move in a bed, a chair and some basic necessities. She loved it! She loved the freedom. She loved the low maintenance place and even began decorating. But her husband wasn't happy and his pride was getting more and more wounded.
- The time that Franco lived in the apartment was a wonderful trip for the two of us. She was nice to me all of the time. Couldn't wait to talk to me. We had a couple of wonderful nights exploring the new sexual aspect of our relationship via phone. Etc. Etc.
- But all good things must come to an end and Franco's husband put an end date on her staying at the apartment by renting it out to a new tenant that was set to move in on August 1st. We had a date. A date by which we knew things were going to end for our little fantasy world.
- I had a conversation with Franco - a brief one. Basically, I said, if you move back in with your husband I will no longer call you my "girlfriend." A simple word but now that our feelings had grown and changed (since my last blog I'd started to accept that I was falling in love with her) I would simply no longer be able to tolerate her being "unfaithful" to me by way of being faithful to her husband. She understood and she knew... if she moves back home... she loses her girlfriend.
- One night Franco stayed out late and reconnected with an old female friend from college. Franco's husband spent the night calling her and calling her (his jealousy, his lack of trust, his loss of pride, his embarassment ... all of these things just kept building and building within him making each day a little more unbearable - yet she still felt no regret for what she'd done with me). Eventually her cell phone died but she thought nothing of it. Her old friend and her went back to her place to carry on their conversation and being that there was no furniture - they sat on her bed and talked. Well then Franco's husband showed up and caught them "together in bed" and FREAKED OUT (since now he doesn't trust her with any woman). He lost it and the way he was handling their baby (whom he'd brought along) scared Franco. He told her that if she wanted to see her baby - she had to come home! And he turned around and left with their son. So she called me and told me that because of what happened (and she was crying and scared when she called) that she had to go home. And she did. And she spent that night in their basement.
- The next day she'd assumed that she'd lost me because of the move home but I told her that since it wasn't by choice - I couldn't take her status away. And she proceeded to call me and text me whenever she could but the change from her calling me whenever to going back to the OLD way (calling and texting only on the sly) was incredibly upsetting.
- Please understand that I do not know her husband. And I do not blame him for anything he's done in his reaction. And I definitely don't think he deserves what happened ... but I had fallen for his wife. And his wife had fallen for me. Her concern, however, continued to be her "pride" in her house and the way her "perfect" little family looked on the outside. More and more I could feel her pulling away from me and back towards this "perfect" little life. However one move back to her family would have been easier than the constant, "I don't think this marriage is going to last," and "I talked about you with my friend all night," and "Today he told me he was getting a lawyer tomorrow," and etc. Yes it was all true but it was all conjecture and LEADING ME ON. For whatever reason ... I had some sort of hope that things might actually work out for us ... and so I continued to open up my heart to her.
- Last Monday I awoke from an uncomfortable dream. A dream in which I was reacting to my trust issues. How could I trust a girl that lives nowhere near me... a girl that has obvious issues with being faithful? My fears were calmed when she called me that morning all giddy and told me that she'd just had a wonderful dream about the two of us getting married. I was all smiles until she slipped and said, "My husband got out of bed early this morning and yelled at me because he couldn't sleep because he kept thinking about what I'd done." "Wait... what?," I said, "Did you just say your husband got out of bed? When did your husband and you start sleeping together again?" She told me he'd started the night before. Two nights. He'd been sleeping with her for two nights and she didn't think it was important to mention. I died a little right there and my day was totally fucked.
- She knew it was coming but because of family issues (a death) she'd asked me to not "change" anything that week. But I was dying. Tuesday she had her first therapy appointment since our weekend - something that everybody had been begging her to do because her behavior (crying, numbness, self-inflicted injuries - totally my fault because I'd told her about my issues with that and she'd wanted to be like me) had been hard to talk her through. Afterwards she called me to tell me how it had gone and she told me that if I needed to have a conversation with her I could. So I did it - I took away her "girlfriend" title and begged her not to talk to me about her life with her husband anymore because it was too painful. She didn't argue. She didn't fight. She accepted it. And that killed me most of all.
- I spent Tuesday and Wednesday in a haze of that old familiar broken-hearted feeling though I knew I'd done it myself. She hadn't cheated on me.... she'd just been laying in the same bed as her husband... avoiding him as she'd done for all the months involved in our romance. But now it was different. And now with her therapy and her upcoming marriage counseling appointments and her moving home and her NOT kicking her husband out of bed and her NOT getting her own lawyer and her NOT being proactive in any way towards the ending of her marriage - I felt as if I was getting kicked to the curb. And could I blame her? No. But I did finally feel like I could want more than what she was willing to give.
- We talked several times with her trying to keep everything friendly but I was in pain and I was angry and so I reacted coldly and "tough" as she kept describing me. But she could still break me down and we ended up having nice conversations. Familiar conversations. And I told her that I was still her "mistress"... just not her girlfriend. And she began to open up a little more about her pain around me and the loss of her title and actually made me feel wanted again. And she managed to lead me on again... though I don't think she ever did or ever does it intentionally. She just wants me but she doesn't want to stir up her life. She would prefer it be done TO her instead of BY her.
- Monday I hurt my back and by Tuesday it was bad enough to seek an emergency appointment with my chiropractor. The woman approaches pain in a holistic manner and after a number of emotional/spiritual tests she determined that my back injury was due to my heavy emotions around a certain romantic relationship - I wonder who! I told Franco when I got home (she'd been checking up on my twice an hour - a perfect caring girlfriend type of thing to do) and she really took it seriously.
- Last night she went out drinking with co-workers and stayed out until all hours getting drunker and drunker. When she returned home she found her husband - drunk off his ass - and surrounded by holes punched in walls (blood everywhere), broken phones, broken pictures, broken EVERYTHING. Franco's sister (an off-duty cop) was there too and had been there calming her husband down for a while. She (the sister) drove him to the apartment to keep him away from Franco for the night (who was now terrified). He left with a case of beer, a bottle of pills and no phone so Franco and her sister called the police and asked them to check up on him. Franco called me to recount the evening and she was scared and crying and still horribly drunk. This morning she awoke to him standing next to her bed yelling at her and still horribly drunk. She was scared again and didn't know what to do so she called the police again. When they arrived he was being a sarcastic ass to one of the officers so they decided to arrest him. Franco begged them not to but they told her it was the third time they'd had to deal with him (so apparently they'd been called by someone else during the night) and that they were afraid of what he'd do to her if they left. They suggested that they would keep him until he sobered up. Franco called her parents and went to their house and told them everything (much they'd already known from guessing and hints) about us and why she felt that her husband shouldn't be in jail and everything. Her dad, whom she looks up to more than anybody, said he wasn't defending her husband but that he could understand why he was reacting the way he was. And for whatever reason - the guilt she hadn't felt about what she'd done with me (about what she'd been continuing to do with me) suddenly rushed in and hit her. All because of her dad not condemning her husband for his behavior. She decided then that she had to give her marriage a decent shot. She had to be honest with her husband and by honest that meant that when she said, "No I'm not talking to her!" she wanted it to be true. She continued to call the police throughout the day and they told her they'd be keeping him for the night because they wanted to do a psychological evaluation and they couldn't do that until tomorrow. She felt horrible. She wanted to be honest. She wanted to give her marriage one last chance. And she didn't want to hurt me anymore with her inability to give him up and the emotional stress that led to back injuries and etc. And so she decided she had to give me up once and for all. She talked to me for an hour... all around it and never getting to it until the end of the conversation. She talked about the knots she'd had in her stomach and the fear she had of talking to me... and so I feel like the best gift I could ever give her is to just let it be easy for her.
- So yes... I'm angry. I'm hurt. I feel betrayed. But I'm also sooo proud of her for finally making a decision in a direction. And rather like Catherine Zeta-Jones' character in the movie THE TERMINAL - I was rooting for the husband. And she's told me that she just wants to do things honestly - even if it is to separate and get a divorce amicably. She said she wants to be my girlfriend easily - with no distractions and no guilt about what being my girlfriend does to other people. I have nothing but respect for her. It maybe makes me fall for her even a little more. But how am I going to deal with her disappearing. Is it even going to work? Every other time we've had this talk (and admittedly it's been me more than it's been her) - we've just given up on trying to give each other up. We're addicted to each other. How is this time going to be any different?
Since last week's drama I've been slowly patching up all the little holes in my "wall" that she'd managed to get through. My wall, however, wasn't all that strong to begin with. I really have been really open to people lately so I don't want to over-patch the holes. The only person that's going to have trouble getting in (I think) is her again. Yes, I cried today but not as much as last week. There is a numbness that she's building in me and maybe it will be best if I hone that numbness and use it to keep her away if she tries to come back. I guess only time will tell right now. Brain says, "Keep her on the right path. Don't tempt her. Don't call her. Don't answer her calls." Heart says, "Remind her that you exist. That you're waiting. That you're hurting because of her. Guilt her into coming back to you." Thus far the Heart has won 90 percent of the battles. And this time I'm really rooting for the Brain.
June 28 - The Trip
First I had a layover in Vegas and I know another Myspacer there and she invited me to dinner so we had a meal at the airport during my layover. She was nice - Franco was freaking out because she thought I'd a) like the other girl (not a chance) and/or b) not watch the clock and miss the flight so she kept checking on me.
I arrived at 4:00am and Franco picked me up. Lots of awkwardness - we had a hard time looking at each other because we knew each other TOO well and yet this was our first time meeting. Her mannerisms were different. She was less "girly" than I had envisioned. Different. (I mean we'd been talking for like 4 hours everyday. Texting. E-mailing. LOTS of communication and then here we are realizing that we are real people.)
Oh also when the plane landed the first message I got was that there was only one bed at the hotel! She'd changed the reservation to two beds but they didn't change it in the computer or something! So that weirdness was pending.
We got to the hotel - went to bed. Awkward. I tried to sleep but I was pretty nervous the whole time and damnit I just really wanted her to touch me. She told me later that she'd stayed awake for a little while - watching me sleep to make sure I was real. (Aww!)
I woke up around 8am (I'd not really been able to sleep in that awkwardness). She got up. We had some hotel continental breakfast in the room and were trying to pretend to read a newspaper because things were weird. We finished our muffins and went to the major mall in her city.
So basically Day 1 (Friday) was like all our first dates rolled into one. We went to the mall. Went shopping in the gifty shops. Had a small meal at McDonald's. Decided to watch a movie (Nacho Libre). In the movie we did the whole knees touching stuff. After the movie we went to the amusement park aspect of the big mall and went on a few "dark" rides (so more "accidental" bumping into each other type of stuff). Then we went back to the hotel to kill some time before we were both hungry enough to go to dinner. So we ended up deciding to take a nap since we hadn't had much sleep at all. During this time together on the bed she made her first move and scootched backwards into me. Her head landed into my hand so I sat there caressing her hair before I worked up the nerve to put my arm around her. We ended up cuddling during our nap.
Then we woke up and drove into town for dinner. Then we went back to the hotel to watch a movie (I'd brought my portable DVD player for movie watching). It was a three hour movie (Tipping the Velvet - I brought it because I thought it might create a "mood") and she ended up falling asleep after hour one. I put it all away and got ready for bed.
After locking the doors and shutting off all the lights I got back into the bed and she rolled over and faced me - I'd woken her up with all of my movements around the room. For five or so minutes we lay there staring into each other's eyes (well technically we couldn't actually see each other because it was pitch black) and making vague references to kissing. Finally she got up the nerve and approached me with her mouth and gave me her first kiss with a woman. I reciprocated and we continued to kiss for a while - each acknowledging that the other was an excellent kisser.
I caressed her arms, kissed her neck and found the bottom of her shirt and slipped my hand underneath. She did the same and just got closer and closer to my breast. I felt almost as if I was a "lesbian sex teaching dummy" at this point and wanted her to experience everything regardless of whether or not I was turned on so I coaxed her into finally touching it. She loved it! I began touching her breasts and eventually moved to using my mouth. She did the same. And it all progressed much much faster and further than I had ever expected it to. By the end of the night we were both sloppy with sex and dead tired. She'd managed to finish me and I'd only come close to her result. (She'd pre-warned me that she takes a long time and I would have stayed down there forever but she'd thrown me over to experience me.)
God her skin was soft. Her kisses were wonderful. Her touch was well honed. She spent the entire time nervous and HOPING that she wouldn't like it but when all was said and done - she was better than my exes in bed and I may have just turned her too gay! She kept repeating that she had no idea I'd be so sensual. As I told her then and as we both agree now - we didn't have sex. We made love.
Day 2 - Saturday - we went to her hometown. (Her husband and baby had driven out of town for a visit with grandma for the day). She showed me her house, we ate at her favorite restaurant, she took me to the spot on the river where she often likes to go to think about me, I briefly met her younger sister (who knew everything), the school she teaches at and then we went to a play at the community college. Afterwards and during intermission she kept running into people she knew and they'd ask things like "Oh you got away from the boys tonight huh?" and it was getting to her. We had to get the hell out of Dodge because she was uber weirded out by her "two worlds colliding". We went back to the city (2 hour drive each way) and watched hour 2 of the three hour movie before she fell asleep again.
Day 3 - Sunday - We went to a used book store (kissed while there) and ate at another restaurant instead. Then we went to the local art gallery (where we kissed) and browsed around in there. Then we sat in a park for a while and kissed there. Went back to the hotel. Ended up taking another nap. Got up and headed to a fancy restaurant for dinner. Went back to the hotel. Watched hour 3 of the movie and then watched another movie. Sleep.
Day 4 - Monday - This was a weird day. We slept in so we had to rush to pack up and get ready before check-out. Then we had a couple of hours to kill before my flight so we decided to go to the restaurant at Ikea. She was kinda being a shit and talking about dropping me off early so she could get back to her son sooner and just generally being kinda cold. So she dropped me off leaving me feeling like "Well fuck her then!" but by the time I got to Vegas she was calling me to tell me how sorry she was and how she just couldn't handle the goodbye so she was just trying to be mean to make it easier. So she got forgiven.
But keep in mind that her husband kept calling constantly throughout the weekend - angry at her (obviously) and accusing her of doing stuff which she kept denying. Ugh. One of the shitty things she said on Monday, after I asked her if she'd regret the weekend, was, "I'll regret it if my husband divorces me because of it." (Ouch!) Well apparently during my flight from Minneapolis to Vegas on the way back she'd confessed everything to him and had been bawling and super depressed and was essentially having a breakdown. And now she misses me horribly.
And in summation on my end: I like her but she was different than what I expected (in looks and mannerisms). I think I like her less now than I did before the trip and that she likes me more. I certainly don't like/love her enough to move to Minnesota and raise her kid as Mom #2 but I do like her enough to continue this weird long distance email thing that we have and it still stings that she wants to keep her marriage functional.
I arrived at 4:00am and Franco picked me up. Lots of awkwardness - we had a hard time looking at each other because we knew each other TOO well and yet this was our first time meeting. Her mannerisms were different. She was less "girly" than I had envisioned. Different. (I mean we'd been talking for like 4 hours everyday. Texting. E-mailing. LOTS of communication and then here we are realizing that we are real people.)
Oh also when the plane landed the first message I got was that there was only one bed at the hotel! She'd changed the reservation to two beds but they didn't change it in the computer or something! So that weirdness was pending.
We got to the hotel - went to bed. Awkward. I tried to sleep but I was pretty nervous the whole time and damnit I just really wanted her to touch me. She told me later that she'd stayed awake for a little while - watching me sleep to make sure I was real. (Aww!)
I woke up around 8am (I'd not really been able to sleep in that awkwardness). She got up. We had some hotel continental breakfast in the room and were trying to pretend to read a newspaper because things were weird. We finished our muffins and went to the major mall in her city.
So basically Day 1 (Friday) was like all our first dates rolled into one. We went to the mall. Went shopping in the gifty shops. Had a small meal at McDonald's. Decided to watch a movie (Nacho Libre). In the movie we did the whole knees touching stuff. After the movie we went to the amusement park aspect of the big mall and went on a few "dark" rides (so more "accidental" bumping into each other type of stuff). Then we went back to the hotel to kill some time before we were both hungry enough to go to dinner. So we ended up deciding to take a nap since we hadn't had much sleep at all. During this time together on the bed she made her first move and scootched backwards into me. Her head landed into my hand so I sat there caressing her hair before I worked up the nerve to put my arm around her. We ended up cuddling during our nap.
Then we woke up and drove into town for dinner. Then we went back to the hotel to watch a movie (I'd brought my portable DVD player for movie watching). It was a three hour movie (Tipping the Velvet - I brought it because I thought it might create a "mood") and she ended up falling asleep after hour one. I put it all away and got ready for bed.
After locking the doors and shutting off all the lights I got back into the bed and she rolled over and faced me - I'd woken her up with all of my movements around the room. For five or so minutes we lay there staring into each other's eyes (well technically we couldn't actually see each other because it was pitch black) and making vague references to kissing. Finally she got up the nerve and approached me with her mouth and gave me her first kiss with a woman. I reciprocated and we continued to kiss for a while - each acknowledging that the other was an excellent kisser.
I caressed her arms, kissed her neck and found the bottom of her shirt and slipped my hand underneath. She did the same and just got closer and closer to my breast. I felt almost as if I was a "lesbian sex teaching dummy" at this point and wanted her to experience everything regardless of whether or not I was turned on so I coaxed her into finally touching it. She loved it! I began touching her breasts and eventually moved to using my mouth. She did the same. And it all progressed much much faster and further than I had ever expected it to. By the end of the night we were both sloppy with sex and dead tired. She'd managed to finish me and I'd only come close to her result. (She'd pre-warned me that she takes a long time and I would have stayed down there forever but she'd thrown me over to experience me.)
God her skin was soft. Her kisses were wonderful. Her touch was well honed. She spent the entire time nervous and HOPING that she wouldn't like it but when all was said and done - she was better than my exes in bed and I may have just turned her too gay! She kept repeating that she had no idea I'd be so sensual. As I told her then and as we both agree now - we didn't have sex. We made love.
Day 2 - Saturday - we went to her hometown. (Her husband and baby had driven out of town for a visit with grandma for the day). She showed me her house, we ate at her favorite restaurant, she took me to the spot on the river where she often likes to go to think about me, I briefly met her younger sister (who knew everything), the school she teaches at and then we went to a play at the community college. Afterwards and during intermission she kept running into people she knew and they'd ask things like "Oh you got away from the boys tonight huh?" and it was getting to her. We had to get the hell out of Dodge because she was uber weirded out by her "two worlds colliding". We went back to the city (2 hour drive each way) and watched hour 2 of the three hour movie before she fell asleep again.
Day 3 - Sunday - We went to a used book store (kissed while there) and ate at another restaurant instead. Then we went to the local art gallery (where we kissed) and browsed around in there. Then we sat in a park for a while and kissed there. Went back to the hotel. Ended up taking another nap. Got up and headed to a fancy restaurant for dinner. Went back to the hotel. Watched hour 3 of the movie and then watched another movie. Sleep.
Day 4 - Monday - This was a weird day. We slept in so we had to rush to pack up and get ready before check-out. Then we had a couple of hours to kill before my flight so we decided to go to the restaurant at Ikea. She was kinda being a shit and talking about dropping me off early so she could get back to her son sooner and just generally being kinda cold. So she dropped me off leaving me feeling like "Well fuck her then!" but by the time I got to Vegas she was calling me to tell me how sorry she was and how she just couldn't handle the goodbye so she was just trying to be mean to make it easier. So she got forgiven.
But keep in mind that her husband kept calling constantly throughout the weekend - angry at her (obviously) and accusing her of doing stuff which she kept denying. Ugh. One of the shitty things she said on Monday, after I asked her if she'd regret the weekend, was, "I'll regret it if my husband divorces me because of it." (Ouch!) Well apparently during my flight from Minneapolis to Vegas on the way back she'd confessed everything to him and had been bawling and super depressed and was essentially having a breakdown. And now she misses me horribly.
And in summation on my end: I like her but she was different than what I expected (in looks and mannerisms). I think I like her less now than I did before the trip and that she likes me more. I certainly don't like/love her enough to move to Minnesota and raise her kid as Mom #2 but I do like her enough to continue this weird long distance email thing that we have and it still stings that she wants to keep her marriage functional.
June 20 - Things Go Fast
Things go fast when you find romance. Is that completely weird - or is it just... normal?
My whirlwind correspondence/romance thing with Francophile just spiraled into a huge ball of mush! But to back up...
Francophile and I began instant messaging - a new and scary thing for us. BUT it turned out rather well. Better than expected. We got to see a little more of our normal conversational selves as opposed to the planned and edited long e-mails we'd been sending. I even sent a video of myself saying hello - so she could see my mouth moving. :) She sent a reciprocation of just her feet - and her voice. Our first time hearing each other!
I finally went out with Irritating Girl and that led to Franco getting jealous that I.G. got to meet me and not her. We planned to have our first phone conversation the next day (while she was out driving her baby for his normal drive/nap) but it was tough waiting.
When it happened - it flowed well but having the e-mail/im personality transfer to phone personality was obviously a little weird. We spent most of the conversation talking about my "friend date" with I.G. By this point we already knew we super liked each other but adding the phone element was a test.
I failed the test! That's not to say that I sucked at talking - I did great! But I was weirded out by the phone voice - the accent I wasn't really expecting - the different flow of it all. But we had a great conversation and really liked each other so we planned another one for just a couple of days later. After our second when it became "audibly" apparent to me that Franco liked me a lot - this is when I failed. After our call she'd sent a new set of "six questions" and I answered them honestly and stupidly decided that she sounded "weak" on the phone (and that I should tell her that). (A weakness for me, I understand, but I like my women strong and a display of weakness makes me uncomfortable. I informed her that if that pissed her off then so be it. Her getting mad would undoubtedly undo that whole "weak" feeling anyway!)
And she did - she got pissed at me - and in another IMing session I totally turned it around so that I was out of trouble (by saying something nice and romantic... since after all... she was displaying her strength).
Also I admitted in that e-mail that I was having mixed feelings about our whole relationship considering I still wanted to be single. I've been single for about a year and still haven't had all the random stranger nookie I'd been crossing my fingers for! And I was starting to get mad that I couldn't even THINK of other girls because she was consuming me.
Well we made up. Continued talking. Talked on the phone more. And she maintained that I was single and could do whatever I wanted - a situation I was strongly behind.
The other element is that we'd been throwing around this term "Free Pass." We offered the free pass to each other often. Using the Free Pass, you see, would be like a "Get Out of Jail Free" card. You just say it and then presto - we stop flirting. We stop being anything other than friendly. We never used it until one day on the phone - after a particularly great conversation - I steered the conversation towards FREE PASS. We decided that we were on a dangerous path ... a path soon approaching a point of no return so I suggested that we use the Pass now before things just got too painful.
So we stopped our e-mail role playing "adventure" that we had going but vowed to continue the question game (as long as the questions were not flirty). We also "outed" our relationship to Irritating Girl who DID NOT take it well. She was pissed on a number of levels. Pissed at Franco for not telling her sooner. Pissed at Franco for ruining her chances with me (which she never had anyway). Pissed at Franco for doing this to another girl (her viewpoint is that Franco used her for flirting and then just tossed her aside ... which is true actually). But we also told I.G. about how we were 'on a pause' basically. I received IRRITATING advice e-mails from I.G. following that!
Moving on - for a day or so I felt as if we had broken up. I felt a little better - a little freer. But we still talked. However I was DETERMINED that we not take it all up again because we really were on a path of suffering. She'd suffer in her marriage by wanting me instead. I'd suffer by knowing she slept with her husband every night and not me.
Well then it came to an honest conversation one morning in which she told me that she'd had sex with her husband the night before and had cried during the act because all she could think about was me. I thought I could just take this information but it did hit me like a punch - not that she cried but that she'd had sex with her husband.
Ugh! Despite free pass usage it still still ended up sucking. We continued our conversation about how sucky everything was currently - us being on pause. Her marriage. Etc. We began to talk more again. Officially we were still "on pause" but not really.
She ended up buying a large pillow that she named after me and cuddled with every night (instead of her husband). I was doing the same with a pile of blankets and pillows. We began our mutual yearn... something a lot stronger than compelling e-mail conversations.
We came to the conclusion that we had to meet each other. We just had to see each other in person and decide if all this strife was worth it. Heck we could meet and find out that we simply had no chemistry! So we formulated a plot with Franco borrowing money from her sister and us meeting in her city (several states away from me but only a couple hours from her).
By now it's also important to note that her husband really had begun figuring things out. She was honest with him about our friendship and his interactions with her went from angry to sobbing to numb because he'd always known about her interest in women and he could tell (can tell) that she's slipping away from him.
Well we were seconds away from purchasing a ticket when her husband began a fight she couldn't get out of. She IMed a disclaimer that "for now I have to be faithful to my husband." With friends on my other ear warning me about Dateline exclusives.. and her fighting with her jealous husband - I freaked out and called it off.
We decided again - it was too much. We had to use our free pass! I suggested we delete each other's numbers and she planned to erase her myspace account. Clearly we couldn't do the "friend" thing so we had to just do the "no contact at all" thing and if fate wanted us to be together - we'd find each other again.
It was tough. Too tough to last even a night - we were both crying after several minutes and gave up on that idea again. She said she'd still delete her page after a few days but ... for now she'd keep it.
Well again... we just couldn't stay away from each other. We couldn't NOT flirt. It was just impossible - we got along too fucking well! She and I were just on a wavelength and couldn't (can't!) stop talking.
We had more long conversations. She had more fights with her husband. Good productive fights that led her to telling him about her feelings about certain things she'd been previously uncomfortable talking about. And every once in a while he'd say something wonderful about how he wanted to get out of her way so she could find herself.
We also spoke honestly about how we'd both hoped that something physical would have happened on our trip.
Then one day she called me to tell me that she'd had another great conversation with her husband but that for now she really needed us to be on hold. She repeated something I'd once said about how for my previous relationships I'd had to know a girl for at least two years... so she asked for two years. I said great. No problem. We can be just friends. We can't stop talking but we can be just friends. A great idea but ... I went weird. I couldn't handle it really and I guess in a subconscious effort to make her jealous I did silly things.
HotttGirl was online at the time and I knew that Franco hated HotttGirl (for jealous reasons) so I carried on one of those visible comment conversations that you can have on myspace. Nothing flirty but it left a long line of HotttGirl messages on my profile that I knew Franco would see. (And which she did see - and claimed afterwards, "I just can't look at your profile anymore because of her!"
That night I also received a text from Texas Heather inviting me to Houston. I said jokingly "if you buy the ticket" and then we talked on the phone. She insisted that she had my agreement in writing and that I had to go now! Well I figured I was stuck so I went with it ... part of me hoping that I would go and my whole opinion of Texas Heather would change. She's a super nice girl and I'd like to stay friends with her but after that conversation it made me miss Franco more (like it had only been a number of hours) because it was so hard and felt so fake talking to Texas. Conversations with Franco just flow. Well it was late at night when I had that conversation so I sent a text message to Franco letting her know that Texas was going to buy me a ticket to Texas so she'd know when she got up.
Well Franco woke up to a thunderstorm clap early early in the morning and read my text. It PISSED HER OFF! She thought she'd been deceived by me - that I'd been lying to her about the closeness of my relationship with Texas (since how could a girl I barely talked to be buying me a plane ticket). Well we proceeded to have a fiery text message conversation during which she essentially kicked the Sara pillow out of bed! (I still think that's sooo fucking cute!) And during this text battle I also admitted that I was so tangled up in her that I couldn't even think about anyone else. (True.)
So again... another Free Pass thrown out the window. We knew three things 1) We couldn't be "just friends." 2) We couldn't "not talk." 3) We just had to admit that we were mad for each other.
We've spent the last week in an in love bliss - completely consumed with each other to the point of having long conversations about our futures together. Who would move where. When it could start happening. What kind of dog to have as a pet. Who's having the next baby if we have one... etc. And all of this without meeting.
So really - not meeting didn't stop the flow of anything. Knowing this - we concluded that we did have to meet soon. We were/are too crazy about each other not to at this point.
So a ticket has been purchased and I am flying to meet Ms. Francophile this week. The day can't come soon enough. I know the week will be hellish for her because of her jealous husband but... who cares. And this time we're talking not about being "faithful" but instead about just how much we want to make love to each other.
Tonight Francophile received a package I'd sent her full of little odds and ends and she was just so bursting with love for me that she went to her sister's house and told her everything. She went home feeling incredible because her sister was happy for her and glad she'd finally told her why she'd been acting so weird all summer.
Things won't be easy. Things will be soooooo tough. But there's still a part of each of us hoping that we'll meet each other and think, "HA! Wow. No chemistry at all. Let's just be super great friends!" But we both think that chance is minimal at this point.
So good luck to me!
The next update may be incredibly exciting or super disappointing! I vote "exciting."
My whirlwind correspondence/romance thing with Francophile just spiraled into a huge ball of mush! But to back up...
Francophile and I began instant messaging - a new and scary thing for us. BUT it turned out rather well. Better than expected. We got to see a little more of our normal conversational selves as opposed to the planned and edited long e-mails we'd been sending. I even sent a video of myself saying hello - so she could see my mouth moving. :) She sent a reciprocation of just her feet - and her voice. Our first time hearing each other!
I finally went out with Irritating Girl and that led to Franco getting jealous that I.G. got to meet me and not her. We planned to have our first phone conversation the next day (while she was out driving her baby for his normal drive/nap) but it was tough waiting.
When it happened - it flowed well but having the e-mail/im personality transfer to phone personality was obviously a little weird. We spent most of the conversation talking about my "friend date" with I.G. By this point we already knew we super liked each other but adding the phone element was a test.
I failed the test! That's not to say that I sucked at talking - I did great! But I was weirded out by the phone voice - the accent I wasn't really expecting - the different flow of it all. But we had a great conversation and really liked each other so we planned another one for just a couple of days later. After our second when it became "audibly" apparent to me that Franco liked me a lot - this is when I failed. After our call she'd sent a new set of "six questions" and I answered them honestly and stupidly decided that she sounded "weak" on the phone (and that I should tell her that). (A weakness for me, I understand, but I like my women strong and a display of weakness makes me uncomfortable. I informed her that if that pissed her off then so be it. Her getting mad would undoubtedly undo that whole "weak" feeling anyway!)
And she did - she got pissed at me - and in another IMing session I totally turned it around so that I was out of trouble (by saying something nice and romantic... since after all... she was displaying her strength).
Also I admitted in that e-mail that I was having mixed feelings about our whole relationship considering I still wanted to be single. I've been single for about a year and still haven't had all the random stranger nookie I'd been crossing my fingers for! And I was starting to get mad that I couldn't even THINK of other girls because she was consuming me.
Well we made up. Continued talking. Talked on the phone more. And she maintained that I was single and could do whatever I wanted - a situation I was strongly behind.
The other element is that we'd been throwing around this term "Free Pass." We offered the free pass to each other often. Using the Free Pass, you see, would be like a "Get Out of Jail Free" card. You just say it and then presto - we stop flirting. We stop being anything other than friendly. We never used it until one day on the phone - after a particularly great conversation - I steered the conversation towards FREE PASS. We decided that we were on a dangerous path ... a path soon approaching a point of no return so I suggested that we use the Pass now before things just got too painful.
So we stopped our e-mail role playing "adventure" that we had going but vowed to continue the question game (as long as the questions were not flirty). We also "outed" our relationship to Irritating Girl who DID NOT take it well. She was pissed on a number of levels. Pissed at Franco for not telling her sooner. Pissed at Franco for ruining her chances with me (which she never had anyway). Pissed at Franco for doing this to another girl (her viewpoint is that Franco used her for flirting and then just tossed her aside ... which is true actually). But we also told I.G. about how we were 'on a pause' basically. I received IRRITATING advice e-mails from I.G. following that!
Moving on - for a day or so I felt as if we had broken up. I felt a little better - a little freer. But we still talked. However I was DETERMINED that we not take it all up again because we really were on a path of suffering. She'd suffer in her marriage by wanting me instead. I'd suffer by knowing she slept with her husband every night and not me.
Well then it came to an honest conversation one morning in which she told me that she'd had sex with her husband the night before and had cried during the act because all she could think about was me. I thought I could just take this information but it did hit me like a punch - not that she cried but that she'd had sex with her husband.
Ugh! Despite free pass usage it still still ended up sucking. We continued our conversation about how sucky everything was currently - us being on pause. Her marriage. Etc. We began to talk more again. Officially we were still "on pause" but not really.
She ended up buying a large pillow that she named after me and cuddled with every night (instead of her husband). I was doing the same with a pile of blankets and pillows. We began our mutual yearn... something a lot stronger than compelling e-mail conversations.
We came to the conclusion that we had to meet each other. We just had to see each other in person and decide if all this strife was worth it. Heck we could meet and find out that we simply had no chemistry! So we formulated a plot with Franco borrowing money from her sister and us meeting in her city (several states away from me but only a couple hours from her).
By now it's also important to note that her husband really had begun figuring things out. She was honest with him about our friendship and his interactions with her went from angry to sobbing to numb because he'd always known about her interest in women and he could tell (can tell) that she's slipping away from him.
Well we were seconds away from purchasing a ticket when her husband began a fight she couldn't get out of. She IMed a disclaimer that "for now I have to be faithful to my husband." With friends on my other ear warning me about Dateline exclusives.. and her fighting with her jealous husband - I freaked out and called it off.
We decided again - it was too much. We had to use our free pass! I suggested we delete each other's numbers and she planned to erase her myspace account. Clearly we couldn't do the "friend" thing so we had to just do the "no contact at all" thing and if fate wanted us to be together - we'd find each other again.
It was tough. Too tough to last even a night - we were both crying after several minutes and gave up on that idea again. She said she'd still delete her page after a few days but ... for now she'd keep it.
Well again... we just couldn't stay away from each other. We couldn't NOT flirt. It was just impossible - we got along too fucking well! She and I were just on a wavelength and couldn't (can't!) stop talking.
We had more long conversations. She had more fights with her husband. Good productive fights that led her to telling him about her feelings about certain things she'd been previously uncomfortable talking about. And every once in a while he'd say something wonderful about how he wanted to get out of her way so she could find herself.
We also spoke honestly about how we'd both hoped that something physical would have happened on our trip.
Then one day she called me to tell me that she'd had another great conversation with her husband but that for now she really needed us to be on hold. She repeated something I'd once said about how for my previous relationships I'd had to know a girl for at least two years... so she asked for two years. I said great. No problem. We can be just friends. We can't stop talking but we can be just friends. A great idea but ... I went weird. I couldn't handle it really and I guess in a subconscious effort to make her jealous I did silly things.
HotttGirl was online at the time and I knew that Franco hated HotttGirl (for jealous reasons) so I carried on one of those visible comment conversations that you can have on myspace. Nothing flirty but it left a long line of HotttGirl messages on my profile that I knew Franco would see. (And which she did see - and claimed afterwards, "I just can't look at your profile anymore because of her!"
That night I also received a text from Texas Heather inviting me to Houston. I said jokingly "if you buy the ticket" and then we talked on the phone. She insisted that she had my agreement in writing and that I had to go now! Well I figured I was stuck so I went with it ... part of me hoping that I would go and my whole opinion of Texas Heather would change. She's a super nice girl and I'd like to stay friends with her but after that conversation it made me miss Franco more (like it had only been a number of hours) because it was so hard and felt so fake talking to Texas. Conversations with Franco just flow. Well it was late at night when I had that conversation so I sent a text message to Franco letting her know that Texas was going to buy me a ticket to Texas so she'd know when she got up.
Well Franco woke up to a thunderstorm clap early early in the morning and read my text. It PISSED HER OFF! She thought she'd been deceived by me - that I'd been lying to her about the closeness of my relationship with Texas (since how could a girl I barely talked to be buying me a plane ticket). Well we proceeded to have a fiery text message conversation during which she essentially kicked the Sara pillow out of bed! (I still think that's sooo fucking cute!) And during this text battle I also admitted that I was so tangled up in her that I couldn't even think about anyone else. (True.)
So again... another Free Pass thrown out the window. We knew three things 1) We couldn't be "just friends." 2) We couldn't "not talk." 3) We just had to admit that we were mad for each other.
We've spent the last week in an in love bliss - completely consumed with each other to the point of having long conversations about our futures together. Who would move where. When it could start happening. What kind of dog to have as a pet. Who's having the next baby if we have one... etc. And all of this without meeting.
So really - not meeting didn't stop the flow of anything. Knowing this - we concluded that we did have to meet soon. We were/are too crazy about each other not to at this point.
So a ticket has been purchased and I am flying to meet Ms. Francophile this week. The day can't come soon enough. I know the week will be hellish for her because of her jealous husband but... who cares. And this time we're talking not about being "faithful" but instead about just how much we want to make love to each other.
Tonight Francophile received a package I'd sent her full of little odds and ends and she was just so bursting with love for me that she went to her sister's house and told her everything. She went home feeling incredible because her sister was happy for her and glad she'd finally told her why she'd been acting so weird all summer.
Things won't be easy. Things will be soooooo tough. But there's still a part of each of us hoping that we'll meet each other and think, "HA! Wow. No chemistry at all. Let's just be super great friends!" But we both think that chance is minimal at this point.
So good luck to me!
The next update may be incredibly exciting or super disappointing! I vote "exciting."
May 29 - Franco
Since my last update I still have not gone out with Irritating Girl, Texas Heather spilled something on her phone - disabling it - so no new pictures/videos and no phone conversation yet, SoYeahUm's been a bitch who I hope to not associate with much anymore, L.A. Heather still hasn't really talked to me and HotttGirl changed her profile to say her orientation is "bi."
More importantly though, Francophile and I have continued to talk. At first it was just long e-mails but then at some point I suggested that she and I begin the "Six Question" game (the same one I "played" with Texas Heather) so that we could more directly focus our conversations.
The first question I asked her was a blatant, "So are you bi?" and her answer was in the affirmative. Then I asked her to describe her relationship with Irritating Girl - so I found out that actually they weren't friends in "real life." Actually they'd met on the Internet five years ago in a lesbian chat room, briefly had crushes on each other but then Franco met and fell in love with her husband to be and stopped talking to her. And they had just within the last several months found each other again on MySpace.
(So being "stolen" by a friend of I.G. no longer seems so rude and weird since I.G. and Franco have never even actually met.)
Anyway - I told Franco that I believed that the Six Question game inevitably led to harmless flirting (as warning) but she definitely wanted to play ... so we began.
And since that day we've both gotten a little carried away - e-mailing each other several times a day - staying up too late at night to write long responses - neglecting our work - not sleeping well - etc.
She's clearly dangerous. And she has some power over me - I just can't figure it out! For instance - in the beginning she asked me point blank if she was my type and I said, "No". But in a matter of two e-mails she had me saying, "You're exactly my type!" She's almost a Jedi knight using the "mind trick" on me ... just subtly saying things that I later repeat as if they were ideas of my own.
At the same time - some of the things she says (which are, by the way, some of the most romantic things anyone has every said to me) would make me bug my eyes out in fright/worry if someone else said them. But when she says them I swoon or blush or have a physical jolt run through me. Again I don't know what it is - she's not particularly attractive (though she is cute), she's exactly not the person I want to date (being just like my 2 exes in several ways) and she's totally unavailable (by relationship status and physical location). But I'm definitely "falling-in-like" with her and it is mutual.
I think part of the appeal is the secrecy though. Like not only from her husband (obviously) but also from Irritating Girl who might get upset when she finds out. (I'd still like to keep it from her but Franco says she's so consumed with me right now that she doesn't care who knows and actually WANTS I.G. to know because she has a right to like me if she wants to.)
Another part of the appeal is that she's never actually done anything with a girl. She's admitted that she's bi and before she met her husband she was telling people that she preferred women but... I guess in her small town world in the middle of America - she didn't have a lot of those opportunities.
All the usual red flags are up... but in this moment I've got yet another crush on yet another married girl.
More importantly though, Francophile and I have continued to talk. At first it was just long e-mails but then at some point I suggested that she and I begin the "Six Question" game (the same one I "played" with Texas Heather) so that we could more directly focus our conversations.
The first question I asked her was a blatant, "So are you bi?" and her answer was in the affirmative. Then I asked her to describe her relationship with Irritating Girl - so I found out that actually they weren't friends in "real life." Actually they'd met on the Internet five years ago in a lesbian chat room, briefly had crushes on each other but then Franco met and fell in love with her husband to be and stopped talking to her. And they had just within the last several months found each other again on MySpace.
(So being "stolen" by a friend of I.G. no longer seems so rude and weird since I.G. and Franco have never even actually met.)
Anyway - I told Franco that I believed that the Six Question game inevitably led to harmless flirting (as warning) but she definitely wanted to play ... so we began.
And since that day we've both gotten a little carried away - e-mailing each other several times a day - staying up too late at night to write long responses - neglecting our work - not sleeping well - etc.
She's clearly dangerous. And she has some power over me - I just can't figure it out! For instance - in the beginning she asked me point blank if she was my type and I said, "No". But in a matter of two e-mails she had me saying, "You're exactly my type!" She's almost a Jedi knight using the "mind trick" on me ... just subtly saying things that I later repeat as if they were ideas of my own.
At the same time - some of the things she says (which are, by the way, some of the most romantic things anyone has every said to me) would make me bug my eyes out in fright/worry if someone else said them. But when she says them I swoon or blush or have a physical jolt run through me. Again I don't know what it is - she's not particularly attractive (though she is cute), she's exactly not the person I want to date (being just like my 2 exes in several ways) and she's totally unavailable (by relationship status and physical location). But I'm definitely "falling-in-like" with her and it is mutual.
I think part of the appeal is the secrecy though. Like not only from her husband (obviously) but also from Irritating Girl who might get upset when she finds out. (I'd still like to keep it from her but Franco says she's so consumed with me right now that she doesn't care who knows and actually WANTS I.G. to know because she has a right to like me if she wants to.)
Another part of the appeal is that she's never actually done anything with a girl. She's admitted that she's bi and before she met her husband she was telling people that she preferred women but... I guess in her small town world in the middle of America - she didn't have a lot of those opportunities.
All the usual red flags are up... but in this moment I've got yet another crush on yet another married girl.
May 9 - Irritating Girls
There's this girl - I don't even know what to name her yet. Thus far I can call her "irritating girl" but well that's just nondescriptive! But it'll do for now.
Anyway, Irritating Girl, sent me a note on Yahoo Personals. Yeah yeah yeah I had a page there but I never bought the subscription so it just sat and sat until one day I got a note from her. She seemed kind of interesting but honestly... I thought she was maybe a little too big for me.
I know that sounds horrible but I'm coming from A) I'm "bigger"... I've lost a LOT of weight but I'm still bigger. But because I DID lose a lot of weight I feel that I'm entitled to, at least for now, somebody that is a little healthier (whether I am or not). B) The three girls I've had relationships with have all been "bigger." The first being about my size, the second being far too skinny and then I fattened her up to a nice soft plump, and the third being far too big. C) After dating that third girl I know that I was simply not attracted to her a lot of the time. Her breasts were too big. She thought mine were too small (they're a decent average, thank you very much!) and D) My mother has always been a large woman. In the last couple of years she's dropped over a hundred pounds by having one of those weight loss surgeries and major Weight Watchers dieting.
All of that being said - I don't really want to date a "bigger" girl this time. This is also partially why I didn't want to date SoYeahUm ... because she could lose another 40 pounds.
(Keep in mind that my ideal woman is about an American sized 16 to 20. Though I'll go as low as 10 - 12.)
Anyway... so Irritating Girl was much too big but I figured, "What the hell!" and I sent her a reply with my MySpace address so we could talk there if she was a member.
She was and she began regularly sending me messages. Well she was Irritating right from the start... she didn't do anything truly outrageous (JEM!) but just did little things like asking me why I would like a movie that was my favorite movie. Talking about how she didn't like certain things. The way she phrased things... they just bugged me.
Right after Irritating Girl added me as a friend - a member of her list sent me a long note telling me about how fascinating she found me and asked if I would be her friend as well. This girl, we'll call her Francophile, and I have been exchanging long back and forth e-mails as well. Of course, as you can probably predict from this journal, she is married and has a small son. But I got a major bi-vibe from her. She's never outright said anything to me or even flirted in the slightest... but I feel like its only a matter of time. And I did/do feel a little awkward that Francophile, a real-life dear friend of Irritating Girl, is sending me these notes (with the subtext of "I'd like a woman to help me escape this marriage"... or that's what I think anyway) without Irritating Girl's knowledge.
BECAUSE it is plainly obvious to everyone that Irritating Girl wants me. (Upon conversing with SoYeamUm the other day I mentioned IR and she said, "Is that the girl who wants your babies?")
Anyway Irritating Girl even started a fan club for me - I had a little to do with that but it STILL weirded me out. And I had it ALL planned in my head that if Irritating Girl ever DID ask me out (because unlike most of the girls my stories are about, she's actually local, my age and single) that I would explain to her that I found her irritating and that it wouldn't be a good idea.
Well last week she did it - she asked me out! And I said "Sure, just as long as we don't call it a date because I'm still weird about those." Well she said cool - it would just be two potential friends getting coffee but WE ALL KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE!!
Well besides being Irritating - Irritating Girl, based on her profile, seems like a plumper L.A. Heather... who I still have built up to grand proportions in my head. So maybe she won't be that Irritating in real life.
(Oh and for the record, I finally asked Irritating Girl what the story was on Francophile. I didn't want to tell her about the messages but I.G. brought up that she was not "out" on MySpace or in real life with family but that most of her Top 8 didn't know. So I asked about Franco and told her we'd been writing little notes and I didn't want to accidentally slip that I.G. was gay if she didn't know. Well I.G. told me that Franco knew and was just recently realizing that she might be a bisexual herself. I knew it!!!)
Anyway, Irritating Girl, sent me a note on Yahoo Personals. Yeah yeah yeah I had a page there but I never bought the subscription so it just sat and sat until one day I got a note from her. She seemed kind of interesting but honestly... I thought she was maybe a little too big for me.
I know that sounds horrible but I'm coming from A) I'm "bigger"... I've lost a LOT of weight but I'm still bigger. But because I DID lose a lot of weight I feel that I'm entitled to, at least for now, somebody that is a little healthier (whether I am or not). B) The three girls I've had relationships with have all been "bigger." The first being about my size, the second being far too skinny and then I fattened her up to a nice soft plump, and the third being far too big. C) After dating that third girl I know that I was simply not attracted to her a lot of the time. Her breasts were too big. She thought mine were too small (they're a decent average, thank you very much!) and D) My mother has always been a large woman. In the last couple of years she's dropped over a hundred pounds by having one of those weight loss surgeries and major Weight Watchers dieting.
All of that being said - I don't really want to date a "bigger" girl this time. This is also partially why I didn't want to date SoYeahUm ... because she could lose another 40 pounds.
(Keep in mind that my ideal woman is about an American sized 16 to 20. Though I'll go as low as 10 - 12.)
Anyway... so Irritating Girl was much too big but I figured, "What the hell!" and I sent her a reply with my MySpace address so we could talk there if she was a member.
She was and she began regularly sending me messages. Well she was Irritating right from the start... she didn't do anything truly outrageous (JEM!) but just did little things like asking me why I would like a movie that was my favorite movie. Talking about how she didn't like certain things. The way she phrased things... they just bugged me.
Right after Irritating Girl added me as a friend - a member of her list sent me a long note telling me about how fascinating she found me and asked if I would be her friend as well. This girl, we'll call her Francophile, and I have been exchanging long back and forth e-mails as well. Of course, as you can probably predict from this journal, she is married and has a small son. But I got a major bi-vibe from her. She's never outright said anything to me or even flirted in the slightest... but I feel like its only a matter of time. And I did/do feel a little awkward that Francophile, a real-life dear friend of Irritating Girl, is sending me these notes (with the subtext of "I'd like a woman to help me escape this marriage"... or that's what I think anyway) without Irritating Girl's knowledge.
BECAUSE it is plainly obvious to everyone that Irritating Girl wants me. (Upon conversing with SoYeamUm the other day I mentioned IR and she said, "Is that the girl who wants your babies?")
Anyway Irritating Girl even started a fan club for me - I had a little to do with that but it STILL weirded me out. And I had it ALL planned in my head that if Irritating Girl ever DID ask me out (because unlike most of the girls my stories are about, she's actually local, my age and single) that I would explain to her that I found her irritating and that it wouldn't be a good idea.
Well last week she did it - she asked me out! And I said "Sure, just as long as we don't call it a date because I'm still weird about those." Well she said cool - it would just be two potential friends getting coffee but WE ALL KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE!!
Well besides being Irritating - Irritating Girl, based on her profile, seems like a plumper L.A. Heather... who I still have built up to grand proportions in my head. So maybe she won't be that Irritating in real life.
(Oh and for the record, I finally asked Irritating Girl what the story was on Francophile. I didn't want to tell her about the messages but I.G. brought up that she was not "out" on MySpace or in real life with family but that most of her Top 8 didn't know. So I asked about Franco and told her we'd been writing little notes and I didn't want to accidentally slip that I.G. was gay if she didn't know. Well I.G. told me that Franco knew and was just recently realizing that she might be a bisexual herself. I knew it!!!)
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