July 27 - A Moon

It's been almost exactly a month since my last post and a lot has happened (since a lot seems to happen in a short amount of time).

I'd like to touch on many things via bullet points:

- Shortly after my return to Los Angeles and Franco's return to her "normal life" with her husband - she decided that she just couldn't take the fighting and the yelling and just didn't know how to handle everything that was going on all at once. She decided to move out for a while. Fortunately the couple had an apartment building with two empties. Her cousin moved into one and she snatched the other and on moving day her cousins helped her move in a bed, a chair and some basic necessities. She loved it! She loved the freedom. She loved the low maintenance place and even began decorating. But her husband wasn't happy and his pride was getting more and more wounded.

- The time that Franco lived in the apartment was a wonderful trip for the two of us. She was nice to me all of the time. Couldn't wait to talk to me. We had a couple of wonderful nights exploring the new sexual aspect of our relationship via phone. Etc. Etc.

- But all good things must come to an end and Franco's husband put an end date on her staying at the apartment by renting it out to a new tenant that was set to move in on August 1st. We had a date. A date by which we knew things were going to end for our little fantasy world.

- I had a conversation with Franco - a brief one. Basically, I said, if you move back in with your husband I will no longer call you my "girlfriend." A simple word but now that our feelings had grown and changed (since my last blog I'd started to accept that I was falling in love with her) I would simply no longer be able to tolerate her being "unfaithful" to me by way of being faithful to her husband. She understood and she knew... if she moves back home... she loses her girlfriend.

- One night Franco stayed out late and reconnected with an old female friend from college. Franco's husband spent the night calling her and calling her (his jealousy, his lack of trust, his loss of pride, his embarassment ... all of these things just kept building and building within him making each day a little more unbearable - yet she still felt no regret for what she'd done with me). Eventually her cell phone died but she thought nothing of it. Her old friend and her went back to her place to carry on their conversation and being that there was no furniture - they sat on her bed and talked. Well then Franco's husband showed up and caught them "together in bed" and FREAKED OUT (since now he doesn't trust her with any woman). He lost it and the way he was handling their baby (whom he'd brought along) scared Franco. He told her that if she wanted to see her baby - she had to come home! And he turned around and left with their son. So she called me and told me that because of what happened (and she was crying and scared when she called) that she had to go home. And she did. And she spent that night in their basement.

- The next day she'd assumed that she'd lost me because of the move home but I told her that since it wasn't by choice - I couldn't take her status away. And she proceeded to call me and text me whenever she could but the change from her calling me whenever to going back to the OLD way (calling and texting only on the sly) was incredibly upsetting.

- Please understand that I do not know her husband. And I do not blame him for anything he's done in his reaction. And I definitely don't think he deserves what happened ... but I had fallen for his wife. And his wife had fallen for me. Her concern, however, continued to be her "pride" in her house and the way her "perfect" little family looked on the outside. More and more I could feel her pulling away from me and back towards this "perfect" little life. However one move back to her family would have been easier than the constant, "I don't think this marriage is going to last," and "I talked about you with my friend all night," and "Today he told me he was getting a lawyer tomorrow," and etc. Yes it was all true but it was all conjecture and LEADING ME ON. For whatever reason ... I had some sort of hope that things might actually work out for us ... and so I continued to open up my heart to her.

- Last Monday I awoke from an uncomfortable dream. A dream in which I was reacting to my trust issues. How could I trust a girl that lives nowhere near me... a girl that has obvious issues with being faithful? My fears were calmed when she called me that morning all giddy and told me that she'd just had a wonderful dream about the two of us getting married. I was all smiles until she slipped and said, "My husband got out of bed early this morning and yelled at me because he couldn't sleep because he kept thinking about what I'd done." "Wait... what?," I said, "Did you just say your husband got out of bed? When did your husband and you start sleeping together again?" She told me he'd started the night before. Two nights. He'd been sleeping with her for two nights and she didn't think it was important to mention. I died a little right there and my day was totally fucked.

- She knew it was coming but because of family issues (a death) she'd asked me to not "change" anything that week. But I was dying. Tuesday she had her first therapy appointment since our weekend - something that everybody had been begging her to do because her behavior (crying, numbness, self-inflicted injuries - totally my fault because I'd told her about my issues with that and she'd wanted to be like me) had been hard to talk her through. Afterwards she called me to tell me how it had gone and she told me that if I needed to have a conversation with her I could. So I did it - I took away her "girlfriend" title and begged her not to talk to me about her life with her husband anymore because it was too painful. She didn't argue. She didn't fight. She accepted it. And that killed me most of all.

- I spent Tuesday and Wednesday in a haze of that old familiar broken-hearted feeling though I knew I'd done it myself. She hadn't cheated on me.... she'd just been laying in the same bed as her husband... avoiding him as she'd done for all the months involved in our romance. But now it was different. And now with her therapy and her upcoming marriage counseling appointments and her moving home and her NOT kicking her husband out of bed and her NOT getting her own lawyer and her NOT being proactive in any way towards the ending of her marriage - I felt as if I was getting kicked to the curb. And could I blame her? No. But I did finally feel like I could want more than what she was willing to give.

- We talked several times with her trying to keep everything friendly but I was in pain and I was angry and so I reacted coldly and "tough" as she kept describing me. But she could still break me down and we ended up having nice conversations. Familiar conversations. And I told her that I was still her "mistress"... just not her girlfriend. And she began to open up a little more about her pain around me and the loss of her title and actually made me feel wanted again. And she managed to lead me on again... though I don't think she ever did or ever does it intentionally. She just wants me but she doesn't want to stir up her life. She would prefer it be done TO her instead of BY her.

- Monday I hurt my back and by Tuesday it was bad enough to seek an emergency appointment with my chiropractor. The woman approaches pain in a holistic manner and after a number of emotional/spiritual tests she determined that my back injury was due to my heavy emotions around a certain romantic relationship - I wonder who! I told Franco when I got home (she'd been checking up on my twice an hour - a perfect caring girlfriend type of thing to do) and she really took it seriously.

- Last night she went out drinking with co-workers and stayed out until all hours getting drunker and drunker. When she returned home she found her husband - drunk off his ass - and surrounded by holes punched in walls (blood everywhere), broken phones, broken pictures, broken EVERYTHING. Franco's sister (an off-duty cop) was there too and had been there calming her husband down for a while. She (the sister) drove him to the apartment to keep him away from Franco for the night (who was now terrified). He left with a case of beer, a bottle of pills and no phone so Franco and her sister called the police and asked them to check up on him. Franco called me to recount the evening and she was scared and crying and still horribly drunk. This morning she awoke to him standing next to her bed yelling at her and still horribly drunk. She was scared again and didn't know what to do so she called the police again. When they arrived he was being a sarcastic ass to one of the officers so they decided to arrest him. Franco begged them not to but they told her it was the third time they'd had to deal with him (so apparently they'd been called by someone else during the night) and that they were afraid of what he'd do to her if they left. They suggested that they would keep him until he sobered up. Franco called her parents and went to their house and told them everything (much they'd already known from guessing and hints) about us and why she felt that her husband shouldn't be in jail and everything. Her dad, whom she looks up to more than anybody, said he wasn't defending her husband but that he could understand why he was reacting the way he was. And for whatever reason - the guilt she hadn't felt about what she'd done with me (about what she'd been continuing to do with me) suddenly rushed in and hit her. All because of her dad not condemning her husband for his behavior. She decided then that she had to give her marriage a decent shot. She had to be honest with her husband and by honest that meant that when she said, "No I'm not talking to her!" she wanted it to be true. She continued to call the police throughout the day and they told her they'd be keeping him for the night because they wanted to do a psychological evaluation and they couldn't do that until tomorrow. She felt horrible. She wanted to be honest. She wanted to give her marriage one last chance. And she didn't want to hurt me anymore with her inability to give him up and the emotional stress that led to back injuries and etc. And so she decided she had to give me up once and for all. She talked to me for an hour... all around it and never getting to it until the end of the conversation. She talked about the knots she'd had in her stomach and the fear she had of talking to me... and so I feel like the best gift I could ever give her is to just let it be easy for her.

- So yes... I'm angry. I'm hurt. I feel betrayed. But I'm also sooo proud of her for finally making a decision in a direction. And rather like Catherine Zeta-Jones' character in the movie THE TERMINAL - I was rooting for the husband. And she's told me that she just wants to do things honestly - even if it is to separate and get a divorce amicably. She said she wants to be my girlfriend easily - with no distractions and no guilt about what being my girlfriend does to other people. I have nothing but respect for her. It maybe makes me fall for her even a little more. But how am I going to deal with her disappearing. Is it even going to work? Every other time we've had this talk (and admittedly it's been me more than it's been her) - we've just given up on trying to give each other up. We're addicted to each other. How is this time going to be any different?

Since last week's drama I've been slowly patching up all the little holes in my "wall" that she'd managed to get through. My wall, however, wasn't all that strong to begin with. I really have been really open to people lately so I don't want to over-patch the holes. The only person that's going to have trouble getting in (I think) is her again. Yes, I cried today but not as much as last week. There is a numbness that she's building in me and maybe it will be best if I hone that numbness and use it to keep her away if she tries to come back. I guess only time will tell right now. Brain says, "Keep her on the right path. Don't tempt her. Don't call her. Don't answer her calls." Heart says, "Remind her that you exist. That you're waiting. That you're hurting because of her. Guilt her into coming back to you." Thus far the Heart has won 90 percent of the battles. And this time I'm really rooting for the Brain.