Ripped

She's totally ripped my heart out. I don't think I can tell the story again to one more person rationally - including this anonymous diary.So short story - when her husband got out of jail - she "showed him how much she loved him" such that he now trusts her whole heartedly. In other words - she fucked him. And not only did she fuck him but A) she didn't have sex with him while thinking about me and crying like she did when had just started to fall for me and B) she showed him how much she "loved" him which means to me that she "made love" to him.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I've been dying. Like literally dying. I can't eat. I'm completely sick. I'm already uncomfortable because of my back and everything. This fucking fucking fucking fucking sucks.

There are so many hurts. How can she go from being in love with me and looking for apartments and knowing that the marriage was "over" on fucking Tuesday to forgetting about me and making love to him by Thursday?!?!?!Today I threw up from grief and that was a first.

She claims she's still in love with me. But she has an "ideal life" that she wants for her son and I'm not part of that "normal" that she wants. She said she's so upset about what she's done to me .. her "soulmate". HOW THE FUCK CAN SHE CALL ME HER SOULMATE AND DUMP ME AND FUCK HIM AND CHOOSE THAT LIFE?!?!? How can she still be in love with me (which she claims) and just drop me so fucking easily?!?!

My friends are all on "suicide watch" but when I can't even get myself out of bed in the morning... how can they even watch me? One of my guy friends has been great at talking me through some of this but I found out today that the reason he's so great at knowing how I feel is because he got dumped several months ago.

And ... and ... he still fucking hurts every day. And he still hasn't gotten his appetite back. And talking to me about my fresh pain makes him feel less alone in his. I know this pain - I've felt it once before when I was 17 and my first love broke my heart. I didn't feel this pain when my last girlfriend (called "NowEx" in my blog posts) and I broke up. I made NowEx come over to comfort me the night I found out.. she held me and let me cry (much to the chagrin of her current new girlfriend) but in the end she got insulted. "You didn't react like this when we broke up," she said. I lied and told her I had but I'd hid it from her. Really it's because I was never in love with her.

I'd just finally fucking admitted to Francophile that I was in love with her on Monday. Wednesday she dumped me. Thursday she ripped my heart out and stomped on it. And I've gone fucking insane.