Seconds

I've just set up the second "date" with Torrid. Now again, Torrid has a girlfriend and I'm really really really going to try to not confuse myself into thinking that there is something when there is nothing. I need some friends/hang out buddies/etc. that are fun to talk to, supportive and GAY. Most of my friends are straight. Well it so happened that I had an extra ticket to a big event and all of my friends were either busy or didn't want to go so I took a chance and invited Torrid. Her response was an overwhelming yes because the event sounded great to her.

Had I been Torrid's girlfriend - going to a gala event with a new single lesbian friend would NOT be okay. Not at all! But Torrid's woman seems to be fine with it. Or at least Torrid wants to go enough that even if her g/f didn't want her to ... it doesn't matter.

So we shall see! Hopefully our clicking friendship will continue during the awkwardness of having to dress up, meet up, mingle, go to the event and have dinner (??). Otherwise it will just be... well awkward.

I'm kinda giddy that she said yes... that's probably a bad sign.

Just as a simple update:

Just as a simple update:

L.A. Heather and I had a class together for a couple of days... and then she dropped it. Which totally blew my plan of showing off my mad skills as a student. But even though we no longer had the class - I still managed to run into her a bunch this last quarter. Usually I never see her. However been the doofus that I am I either said nothing and walked on past or hightailed it in the other direction. Eventually L.A. Heather picked up on this and asked me why I looked so horrified every time I saw her. Ha! I forget what I said but the real answer was "Because you're cute, I like you and you make me nervous."

Back on the infamous MySpace I met a girl (who found me). We'd exchanged some comments back and forth - nothing deep but she seemed cool. (She has a girlfriend so I refrained from flirting. I also refrained from flirting since she had no pictures up and really could have looked like anything.) (For the temp basis - I shall call her "Torrid".) So one day I login and receive a message from Torrid that she's decided to quit MySpace and here's her phone number. I wrote back, "Don't do that! I've only just started to talk to you and I'm never going to call you!" Well somewhere in there she got my phone number and swore she was a nice person and that she'd call me.

So last week she called and we had a nice chat and we setup a friend date for this last Saturday. She was going to bring her girlfriend and another friend but, thankfully, she had no entourage when I arrived. She turned out to be a well-educated red-head with a plus-size semi-goth appeal. In short - she was cool. I liked her. We ended up just talking for four or more hours and even carried our conversation to the market to do some shopping. During this chat she brought up that she and her girlfriend were "on different pages." And she told me all of her dramatic relationship history. And I caught her up on mine. She also told me that I was the first internet person that she ever wanted to meet in real life - I felt honored.

She called and commented the next day to tell me she had a fun time. :)

I had a good time too so I'm hoping this friendship grows and DOESN'T turn in to some horrible experience where I again pine for the unavailable chick. Meanwhile I've been overwhelming her with comments... probably scaring her and her girlfriend. :) What can I say... it's hard to connect with people and I'm still desperate for the teddy bear experience and I want it now now now. I'm a little impatient what with this gaping Franco-wound still in my chest.

And speaking of teddy bears - the CL girl I've been trying to arrange a meeting with for the teddy bear/shoulder to cry on hook-up has still not chosen a date.

I'm also now trying to arrange something with an older woman for a shoulder-massage exchange. That also seems to be getting postponed.

And the drama continues....

The preface to the following is that Franco went to a gay bar with her gay brother-in-law and called to tell me about how much fun she had. She told me about how the women there were completely unattractive but that she'd decided to strike up a conversation with one just to entertain herself. She began it by saying, "You have dark eyes just like this girl I dated." (I don't have dark eyes... this was strike one against her but I kept my mouth shut.) Then she proceeded to tell me that the stranger woman and her had a conversation about Franco's experience with me that went a little something like this:

Stranger Woman: Oh so you have dated a woman?
Franco: Yes.
Stranger Woman: And how was that for you?
Franco: Oh it was wonnnnnnnnddddeeeeeeerrful! But my husband didn't like it much.
Stranger Woman: Really? Why? He shouldn't be mad! It's not like you cheated.
Franco: I know! But he doesn't seem to agree.

Then Franco thought she'd probably impressed me with the retelling of this conversation and asked, "Aren't you glad I talked about you?"

Me: Honestly, no.
Franco: Why not?
Me: Because apparently you don't think you cheated on your husband with me.
Franco: Sara! Don't be like that.
Me: What? Apparently I don't count.

We hung up angry and then she stopped texting, e-mailing or calling. I didn't notice at first because I was still pissed that I was apparently a glitch in a marriage that didn't count as an affair even though she swore she loved me, temporarily moved out and called me her soulmate...

But by week three I noticed that she hadn't responded to any of my silly random e-mails and began to have a nervous breakdown... primarily because how dare SHE cut me off when she was the offensive ass in this case. One of my last desperate notes said something to the effect of, "Are you giving me the silent treatment?"

After nearly 3 weeks of silence from Franco I received the following note: "I am not giving you the silent treatment. My life is just so complicated and I am trying to get things straightened out. It's better for you to not have to deal with me. I only end up hurting you. I do miss you."

To which I replied: "I tried to convince myself that you just gave me up for Lent. It sucks to not be heard. It just drove me nuts to think that you'd cut me off without warning. Yes, it is better for you not to talk to me and you do only hurt me but ... just don't disappear like that. Especially when I know you're logging in and talking to other people. And when you have a history of just cutting communication off with people (Irritating Girl) when they get too complicated for you. It makes me feel like scum."

To which she replied (after a week): "I wasn't cutting you off. I just get so tired of it all, ya know? I feel like I can't tell you anything without you getting mad, but the problem is that I think of you as a best friend whom I can't tell anything to. What kind of a friend is that? I understand your side, I just wish you'd understand mine. Irritating Girl sent me an e-mail trying to mend fences but I didn't reply. Then she stalked me through MySpace (probably through you) and has sent me more e-mails. Lucky me. And you know why I cut off communication with Irritating Girl. It wasn't because things were getting too complicated. It was because I was so sick of her lectures. And I guess I was just sick of her. That has nothing to do with complications, it has more to do with personal taste. ... So I'm sorry I didn't reply for so long. I'm here. Just not here the way you want me to be."

And now I've just written this and my hand is still hovering over the "Send" button... : "So I wasn't really wrong though - you did cut me off because of me. I'm sorry I get mad but what do you expect? I told you I wouldn't be able to be your friend because it would hurt too much but you wanted me to try and I tried. I really did try. I do understand your side. I just also hate you for it. It's too hard to pretend that we're just friends. And of course it hurts worse that that's all you want. And EVEN worse that you have to try not to offend me with your lack of want because that just makes me the pathetic pining dog waiting for your scraps of affection to fall.

I suppose the best I can be for you at this point in my life is this e-mail semi-stranger. I don't want to lose you but I clearly can't handle being your best friend right now. Hearing you hurts. Getting texts from you kills me when they go away. The only real reason I hang on is because of some stupid shred of hope that I don't even want. Yet it lingers. I suppose it all comes back to self-inflicted pain. I like you so much because you make me feel so much. When I'm numb to you - I can be your friend. But God knows when that will be.

In the mean time... don't be a stranger. (I know I made it soooooooo appealing for you to continue talking to me, right?) (At least I can laugh at myself.)"