Refried Les Beans

Seconds

2007-04-13T02:51:00.001-07:00

I've just set up the second "date" with Torrid. Now again, Torrid has a girlfriend and I'm really really really going to try to not confuse myself into thinking that there is something when there is nothing. I need some friends/hang out buddies/etc. that are fun to talk to, supportive and GAY. Most of my friends are straight. Well it so happened that I had an extra ticket to a big event and all of my friends were either busy or didn't want to go so I took a chance and invited Torrid. Her response was an overwhelming yes because the event sounded great to her.

Had I been Torrid's girlfriend - going to a gala event with a new single lesbian friend would NOT be okay. Not at all! But Torrid's woman seems to be fine with it. Or at least Torrid wants to go enough that even if her g/f didn't want her to ... it doesn't matter.

So we shall see! Hopefully our clicking friendship will continue during the awkwardness of having to dress up, meet up, mingle, go to the event and have dinner (??). Otherwise it will just be... well awkward.

I'm kinda giddy that she said yes... that's probably a bad sign.

Just as a simple update:

2007-04-11T03:59:00.002-07:00

Just as a simple update:

L.A. Heather and I had a class together for a couple of days... and then she dropped it. Which totally blew my plan of showing off my mad skills as a student. But even though we no longer had the class - I still managed to run into her a bunch this last quarter. Usually I never see her. However been the doofus that I am I either said nothing and walked on past or hightailed it in the other direction. Eventually L.A. Heather picked up on this and asked me why I looked so horrified every time I saw her. Ha! I forget what I said but the real answer was "Because you're cute, I like you and you make me nervous."

Back on the infamous MySpace I met a girl (who found me). We'd exchanged some comments back and forth - nothing deep but she seemed cool. (She has a girlfriend so I refrained from flirting. I also refrained from flirting since she had no pictures up and really could have looked like anything.) (For the temp basis - I shall call her "Torrid".) So one day I login and receive a message from Torrid that she's decided to quit MySpace and here's her phone number. I wrote back, "Don't do that! I've only just started to talk to you and I'm never going to call you!" Well somewhere in there she got my phone number and swore she was a nice person and that she'd call me.

So last week she called and we had a nice chat and we setup a friend date for this last Saturday. She was going to bring her girlfriend and another friend but, thankfully, she had no entourage when I arrived. She turned out to be a well-educated red-head with a plus-size semi-goth appeal. In short - she was cool. I liked her. We ended up just talking for four or more hours and even carried our conversation to the market to do some shopping. During this chat she brought up that she and her girlfriend were "on different pages." And she told me all of her dramatic relationship history. And I caught her up on mine. She also told me that I was the first internet person that she ever wanted to meet in real life - I felt honored.

She called and commented the next day to tell me she had a fun time. :)

I had a good time too so I'm hoping this friendship grows and DOESN'T turn in to some horrible experience where I again pine for the unavailable chick. Meanwhile I've been overwhelming her with comments... probably scaring her and her girlfriend. :) What can I say... it's hard to connect with people and I'm still desperate for the teddy bear experience and I want it now now now. I'm a little impatient what with this gaping Franco-wound still in my chest.

And speaking of teddy bears - the CL girl I've been trying to arrange a meeting with for the teddy bear/shoulder to cry on hook-up has still not chosen a date.

I'm also now trying to arrange something with an older woman for a shoulder-massage exchange. That also seems to be getting postponed.

And the drama continues....

2007-04-11T03:59:00.001-07:00

The preface to the following is that Franco went to a gay bar with her gay brother-in-law and called to tell me about how much fun she had. She told me about how the women there were completely unattractive but that she'd decided to strike up a conversation with one just to entertain herself. She began it by saying, "You have dark eyes just like this girl I dated." (I don't have dark eyes... this was strike one against her but I kept my mouth shut.) Then she proceeded to tell me that the stranger woman and her had a conversation about Franco's experience with me that went a little something like this:

Stranger Woman: Oh so you have dated a woman?
Franco: Yes.
Stranger Woman: And how was that for you?
Franco: Oh it was wonnnnnnnnddddeeeeeeerrful! But my husband didn't like it much.
Stranger Woman: Really? Why? He shouldn't be mad! It's not like you cheated.
Franco: I know! But he doesn't seem to agree.

Then Franco thought she'd probably impressed me with the retelling of this conversation and asked, "Aren't you glad I talked about you?"

Me: Honestly, no.
Franco: Why not?
Me: Because apparently you don't think you cheated on your husband with me.
Franco: Sara! Don't be like that.
Me: What? Apparently I don't count.

We hung up angry and then she stopped texting, e-mailing or calling. I didn't notice at first because I was still pissed that I was apparently a glitch in a marriage that didn't count as an affair even though she swore she loved me, temporarily moved out and called me her soulmate...

But by week three I noticed that she hadn't responded to any of my silly random e-mails and began to have a nervous breakdown... primarily because how dare SHE cut me off when she was the offensive ass in this case. One of my last desperate notes said something to the effect of, "Are you giving me the silent treatment?"

After nearly 3 weeks of silence from Franco I received the following note: "I am not giving you the silent treatment. My life is just so complicated and I am trying to get things straightened out. It's better for you to not have to deal with me. I only end up hurting you. I do miss you."

To which I replied: "I tried to convince myself that you just gave me up for Lent. It sucks to not be heard. It just drove me nuts to think that you'd cut me off without warning. Yes, it is better for you not to talk to me and you do only hurt me but ... just don't disappear like that. Especially when I know you're logging in and talking to other people. And when you have a history of just cutting communication off with people (Irritating Girl) when they get too complicated for you. It makes me feel like scum."

To which she replied (after a week): "I wasn't cutting you off. I just get so tired of it all, ya know? I feel like I can't tell you anything without you getting mad, but the problem is that I think of you as a best friend whom I can't tell anything to. What kind of a friend is that? I understand your side, I just wish you'd understand mine. Irritating Girl sent me an e-mail trying to mend fences but I didn't reply. Then she stalked me through MySpace (probably through you) and has sent me more e-mails. Lucky me. And you know why I cut off communication with Irritating Girl. It wasn't because things were getting too complicated. It was because I was so sick of her lectures. And I guess I was just sick of her. That has nothing to do with complications, it has more to do with personal taste. ... So I'm sorry I didn't reply for so long. I'm here. Just not here the way you want me to be."

And now I've just written this and my hand is still hovering over the "Send" button... : "So I wasn't really wrong though - you did cut me off because of me. I'm sorry I get mad but what do you expect? I told you I wouldn't be able to be your friend because it would hurt too much but you wanted me to try and I tried. I really did try. I do understand your side. I just also hate you for it. It's too hard to pretend that we're just friends. And of course it hurts worse that that's all you want. And EVEN worse that you have to try not to offend me with your lack of want because that just makes me the pathetic pining dog waiting for your scraps of affection to fall.

I suppose the best I can be for you at this point in my life is this e-mail semi-stranger. I don't want to lose you but I clearly can't handle being your best friend right now. Hearing you hurts. Getting texts from you kills me when they go away. The only real reason I hang on is because of some stupid shred of hope that I don't even want. Yet it lingers. I suppose it all comes back to self-inflicted pain. I like you so much because you make me feel so much. When I'm numb to you - I can be your friend. But God knows when that will be.

In the mean time... don't be a stranger. (I know I made it soooooooo appealing for you to continue talking to me, right?) (At least I can laugh at myself.)"

Disintegration

2006-12-10T01:52:00.000-08:00

Updates have been lacking but what could I possibly tell you? It's been pretty much the same except that time has passed. And with time comes some ease around Franco (which, by the way, turns out to be just a dumb codename but for lack of a better one - it shall remain the same). I'm still hurt. I'm still a little angry. But the mass depression, the sleeplessness, the anxiety is for the most part gone. In its place is a degree of numbness but I still think of her every night and wake up thinking of her.

She's gotten a little easier with the communication with me though - she's arranged a couple of on the sly phone calls from her office, some instant messaging evenings, occasional emails and regular texts. She stops and then she starts. She goes through guilt and then cycles back to not caring. But we don't flirt. We don't do anything wrong. We just catch up and talk and ... well I try to flirt a little. I try to connect on that romantic level... but it's rather pathetic even though she is receptive.

Briefly some bad things were happening in her life. Her brother-in-law got in a car accident. Her father got diagnosed with cancer. And she thought these things were somehow karmically related to her affair. I told her she was being silly.. "Karma," I said, "wouldn't punish other people." Besides, we were honest with our souls so I don't believe we deserve karmic punishment.

And then her eyes started going fuzzy. We hoped it was just stress and too much reading on her part (she's in a class where she reads 2-3 books a week) but she went to check it out anyway. We already knew she had a bad eye that was potentially going to go blind one day and I prayed that it wouldn't be going bad. She went to the eye doctor - nothing. But he was concerned so he sent her to a different kind of doctor. They did tests and were disturbed by the results - there seemed to be something wrong with her brain. Thinking it might be a tumor she was rushed to have a cat scan. It came back negative but there was still something wrong so they did more and more tests. All the while she was worried. I was worried. I prayed. I cried. I worried... what if she had a brain tumor?!! What if she was dying?? What if she did go blind - our only communication now is through secret emails/texts/ims - what happens if she can no longer read them?

Well after a series of tests it did come back Friday that she has MS. Fuck.

My first worry is that she's going to come back at me and say, "Well this is happening to me. Now I really really believe I'm being punished." And I can't argue anymore. Right now I'm angry at fate. Angry at God. I'm feeling as if this thing is being done to us. To me.

Like the only thing that keeps me going somedays is that hope that maybe one day she will come back to me. Maybe after a divorce or maybe 30 years from now after her life has lived out with him. But now - she has a disease. A disease that, if she lives that long, will have her come back to me as a completely different and disabled person. And one of the things I read was about the sexual disfunctions of a person with MS - either they have too much with strangers (could her interest in me be only an early symptom?) or they can lose interest. So here's this girl that was exactly everything I wanted in a sexual companion - perfectly sexually compatible.... and if she ever does come back there's this chance she won't be interested. A small thing compared to the other things that could go wrong but I still feel like that would be one big huge cruel joke.

I don't know that I'd even be a big enough person to be able to handle a girlfriend with disease. Not like it's an option right now but these are the things that run through my head. What if she says "I'm not going to live the rest of my life as a lie" and she comes to me? Could I handle watching her disintegrate? Was our break-up a blessing in disguise?

But I still believe fate had a big hand in our meeting. And I don't think it was just to play a big joke on us so maybe there is a big lesson for me in this. Or something I can do that will help. Again... I can see the benefits that she gets out of having any kind of relationship with me but I don't see what I get. Again I feel like a pawn in the life of Franco.

And I'm just sad. And freaked out. And I don't know how to hold her hand when no one is holding mine. I tried to tell a local friend and her response was, "Good, I hope she dies!" I get that she's being protective but I still love this woman and I'm good and devastated right now. Or am I? Is it just a good story?

Knowing that I need a certain level of intimacy in my life right now... and knowing that I'm not getting it from my current friends (my own fault, I know, but still)... I've again put up an ad on Craigslist seeking "teddy bears." I've been regularly chatting with a woman and her male roommate to this end - maybe this time I won't chicken out and by the new year I'll actually have non-sexual relationships with people that I can just be cuddly with. I need hugs. I need shoulders to cry on.

The Anger Stage

2006-08-15T03:15:00.000-07:00

Oh so much happens in such a short period of time.

Suffice it to say that I seem to have entered the "angry" period. Well actually I entered it and then I was in it and then ... now ... I don't know what I'm in now.

Since the last post -

- Franco got nicer, sending me a few unsolicited and "of her own volition" texts about how she missed her best friend. Each thing would last me a day but I always woke up with a new sadness/thought/anger.

- I woke up a week ago Saturday with the feeling "Shit. Franco keeps saying "in a perfect world I would be hers to hold forever." And I suddenly realize that in her 'perfect world' she'd get to have me AND her husband." After NOT contacting her all day I received a nice note from her about how I was her one of her only real friends and I proceeded to GO OFF on her with the above theory and certain other things I was angry/upset about. She didn't reply and I continued to text on a mad texting spree.... eventually I realized she wasn't there and after walking three "angry" laps around the park I calmed down and she returned. She revealed that after her texts she turns the phone off and leaves because she's "not supposed to be talking to me."

- Sunday I woke up with the fear that "SHE'S GOING TO GET PREGNANT!" I don't know why I had that thought but it was horrible and it enraged me. She often spoke of how she didn't want another baby because the one she has was really really difficult when he was younger and she really didn't think she could handle her husband and a baby again (because he was horrible at handling it). But suddenly I just thought "She's having all this make-up sex and she's going to forget to take her pill and end up pregnant and she's going to be further tied into this life and further and further away from me. Plus I just don't need that actual proof that all the sex is happening. I'll just die." So I texted her something stupid about how she better not get pregnant. I expected her to respond with something reassuring like, "You know I don't want another kid." But instead she wrote back, "Why?" Which was like a practical admission that she was already knocked up!! GRRRRR.

- Monday I didn't contact her until I drove by something that we'd discussed once. I sent her a note about how I'd driven by this landmark. Friendly. Short. Nothing else. And then I was in a meeting. And while in the meeting she called me! SHE CALLED ME! And I couldn't answer the damn phone because I was in this meeting! Well I told her that I couldn't talk but that the meeting was almost over so she said I could call her back. When I got out - I called - and it went direct to voicemail. About a half hour later I got a text from her saying that she was "overcome with guilt" and had turned off the phone. I was peeved but I told her to "try again" the next day.

- Tuesday I awoke to texts from her telling me that her husband had chewed her out for the texts she'd been sending to me so a phone call was out of the question and she couldn't text anymore either. I thought I was getting better but the prospect of her disappearing from my life completely was unbearable and I started begging her to not stop. Begging... pretty sad. And then I was angry again and texting harsher things. She finally revealed that, while I honestly thought that she'd chosen her husband because she was scared of what he had become and because of the life and family "peer pressure" that was all around her, instead something had "clicked" in her the day he was arrested. She'd led me to believe that she was going to end things with me for the moment so that she could settle things with him in a calmer manner. In reality, when he got arrested she saw in him the "man she fell in love with" and chose him because she realized how much she loved him. "Not because I don't love you but because I love him too," was what she said. And in that moment I guess I finally finally FINALLY realized that it was over and that she'd just said certain things to make me happy. In the end I asked her to please just call once to give me a fucking proper goodbye instead of this texting shit. She agreed to do it on her way home in the evening so I spent my day making a bullet-pointed list of things I wanted to say to her if this was going to be our last conversation.

- She called and she was COLD. She was bitchy. She said some pretty fucked up things like that rather than being also sad about our ended relationship, she was instead "relieved." RELIEVED??!?! I get it though - she was relieved that not talking to me meant she didn't have to lie about talking to me. Though recently she'd begun lying again because of the texts and she felt horribly guilty about it. She also said that her and her husband were back to the way they were right after they got married. Wonderful... a honeymoon period. I told her about how everything still had little remnants of her attached to it and that I was struggling to take back my power over little things and she said, "You've just got to move on." Fuck you! Move on??! I'm trying to fucking move on, you two-timing hussy of a bitch! Please pardon me for believing I meant something to you when you told me that I did at least 15 times a day before you just pulled it out from under me. She said we should have just left it at her saying goodbye on that day he got arrested.. but no, I said. I needed to hear you tell me these things. I needed to know that you weren't trapped in some life. I needed to know that you weren't working towards a separation anymore. I needed to know that you could care less about me. I needed to know it all because the past week was full of mixed messages like, "I showed my husband how much I loved him," followed by, "You are my soul mate!" In that portion of the conversation she admitted that she felt horrible for the messages containing the "brutal honesty" so she'd follow them up with nicer messages meant to make me feel better. Saying that effectively ripped all the nice things away from me as if they were lies to begin with. I was a mistake for her. She said that she'd never considered me a mistake... but it sure was/is the way she was/is treating me. She tried to claim that she was just too impulsive and should have thought things through but I said, "Bullshit! We talked and talked and talked it all through. When I met you I was trying to reconnect you with your husband. I didn't want to do this. You didn't want to do this. But we fell for each other. And we talked it all through. And we both knew what was happening and how it would probably end. And we tried to give each other up and stop talking to each three times but it never worked. So don't fucking tell me you were impulsive and didn't think about it!" The call ended when she got home... and without a proper "goodbye." I asked her to just circle the block once - she parked instead. Her husband wasn't home so I asked her to just say goodbye.. no one was around. No one was around for her entire ride home. Just say goodbye! And she refused .. she said she'd call me later to finish the conversation.

- I hung up sad... but also enraged. FUCK HER AND HER PUSSY OF WHORRY DOOM! I was pissed..PISSED!!! Very sad but also PISSED.

- Wednesday - I didn't talk to her. I was enraged. I told my friend, who UP UNTIL THAT POINT had been on the "she's just very confused" side of the court, about the phone call and she became a cheerleader for the "Fuck her and her vagina of doom" team. That night she called and I didn't answer, letting it go to voicemail. She said, "I just called to apologize for being a raging bitch yesterday. I just really don't know how to handle things and that's what I do... I back off. I also wanted to let you know that I cried last night." I didn't like it. The apology wasn't BIG enough. And so what that she cried... she could have stubbed her toe and cried. She didn't explain. It wasn't enough. I didn't call back.

- The funny thing was that my voicemail only holds saved messages for 14 days so when I called to retrieve the aforementioned message - my voicemail first informed me that it was about to delete an old saved message. It was from Franco.... telling me "I just called to tell you how lovely you are! I hope you're feeling better and I just want you to know that I love you very much!" That was from the day that led into the night of her husband breaking everything and getting arrested. 14 DAYS! Two weeks ago she was totally in love with me and 14 days later I was virtually forgotten.

- Thursday... I gave her nothing. I was still pissed. Talked with a few other people and was assured that no... I should not give her the time of day. If she asked if I got the message I should just say, "Yep," and leave it at that. But in the end I felt like not responding to her might just be too much of a "relief" so I sent her a very brief note just to say that 'I appreciate that you called to apologize."

- Friday... she stalked me on MySpace and noticed that I'd subtly mentioned her to HotttGirl in the comments box. She sent me an irritated little note saying that she didn't want me talking about her or getting comfort from HotttGirl. Basically... she was jealous. I said, "What the hell does it matter?" and told her also that I'd also just had a nice long 3 hour conversation with Texas Heather. We exchanged a couple of short notes and I tried to end it on a silly note because even though I'm pissed at her... I didn't want her pissed at me.

-(As a sidenote, HotttGirl has been very supportive and now that all this went down with Franco - my confused emotions about HotttGirl have settled down such that I can just be very good friends with her without all that other attraction getting in the way. In a way I'm appreciative of that.)

-(As another sidenote, Texas Heather told me that SHE had once been married and had cheated on her husband with a woman which drove him crazy and he got arrested.. and she ended up leaving the woman. In the end the marriage didn't work out (it was only common law anyway) and he left but she never did get back with the girl. She told me this story because she wanted me to understand that Franco was in no place for me right now. That even if she had chosen me ... she wouldn't be emotionally stable enough for the relationship. I knew this anyway but it meant more coming from someone who'd been the "franco" in the situation and could talk from that experience. The same thing with HotttGirl, actually. She'd also done something similar to a girl and told me that hearing about my experiences with Franco made her feel almost as if she was attoning for what she'd done to her ex-girlfriend.)

- Saturday I went out with friends and while at dinner I recieved a text from Franco saying, "I just wanted you to know that I was leaving for my vacation tomorrow and that if I get a chance before I leave I will respond to your e-mails. But know that I miss you and moreover that I love you mind, body and soul." It was sweet... very sweet... but I rolled my eyes. My friend grabbed the phone from me and wrote back to her, "Blah Blah." Later I sent a text admitting that it wasn't me but that I hadn't stopped the send either. I never heard from her.

- Sunday morning I received a call at 7am - waking me up. I thought it was a text so when I flipped my phone open to read it... I'd actually answered Franco's call. She'd apparently just turned her phone on and received those messages and wanted to call about it. I spent the entire phone call being generally mean to her... telling her about how her apology wasn't good enough. Telling her about how I'd been angry. About I didn't want to be too much of a "relief" by not talking to her. I didn't really hold anything back but I was also barely awake so I don't believe anything was too harsh. She just took everything... it was actually a pleasant conversation. Almost like old times with me unable to stop talking to her but without all that pain and sadness. Probably that's why she liked the call so much... I wasn't being "weak." During the call she referred to me as her "horrible addiction" and I snipped at her for calling me "horrible." She was packing for her vacation... a vacation she'd planned with her fucking family INSTEAD of a road trip that would have brought her to Los Angeles. A vacation that also happens to occur over my birthday. It was really a wonderful gift to hear about that vacation (note sarcasm). Her husband interrupted a couple of times and she hid the phone and pretended she wasn't on it... just like old times. She said, "My husband is going to kill me when he gets the phone bill and sees that I'm still talking to you." "Yeah," I said, "And he's probably also going to notice that all the phone calls are outgoing." She said, "Well this is probably the last time I'll talk to you and I wanted to make it nice." "Yeah," I said, "I thought your voicemail was the last time your were going to talk to me." Maybe we can arrange it so that we can talk at least once a month - she offered. "Whatever" was my attitude. She ended the phone call by saying, "I love you" and as I was beginning to reciprocate she interrupted to say, "And you don't have to say it back!" "Well I was saying it back but you interrupted me so now all you get is a Fuck you!" And then we said our good-byes.

- About two hours later I got a text from her telling me that "Damnit! Every time I have a free moment I want to call you! Damn you for making me miss you so much!" I offered that we could make each other voo doo dolls to talk to instead. She said she'd sew one right up. I told her to make sure she made it out of satin so it would feel like her.

- And now I'm feeling like a dummy because I left her with a nice comment! I should have left her thinking that I still hated her because that makes her more responsive! I'm still angry... still annoyed... and very much better. My appetite is back. I don't think about her every second. I actually kinda miss being sad because now I'm just sorta numb to it all and I would LIKE to remember how much I was able to feel. I mean I know that the sad is not gone.. it's just sorta buried under a couple layers of absolute disgust. I also kinda miss having no appetite because I was losing weight!

- In summary - I think some of that early advice from one friend is the most accurate. The sooner I'm getting back to the "old me"... the sooner she's remembering why she fell in love with me in the first place. And while getting back to the "old me" means I won't/don't want her anymore ... it may oddly be the way I win her back.

The calm before the storm

2006-08-03T00:43:00.000-07:00

I actually made it through all of today without crying though I did have one anxiety attack in the bathroom. I've concluded that no sleep on top of this grief is not helpful. My mornings... oh they just suck. I wake up weeping. I can't leave the room. When I do - it's to weep in the bathroom. I've turned into that crazy ex... going through all the stages of loss. I've lost my appetite (I'm just starting to get it back) and hell I even induced vomit on a couple of occasions!! WTF??

Two days ago I was in the bargaining stage and thinking thoughts like "What if I just wait for her older husband to die" (he is twenty years older than her) and "If I promise never to come see you can I please just talk to you again like before," and "Your husband and I both love you and you love both of us... let's make it work for all of us." EWWWW!! None of these thoughts are appealing but they just kept coming up.

The waiting for her husband to die thing... well that was something that Franco had told me that Irritating Girl had once said to her back when they were flirting. Franco once brought that up and said, "Would you do that?" (I mean we both knew from day one that she was going to end up back with her husband but she kept moving farther and farther away from him so I had all that hope for this fantastic relationship that we were on the verge of! Completely emotionally, intellectually and sexually compatible! UGH! And this is why I grieve - I grieve for the loss of something that died far far too early.) Anyway... I yelled at her when she said that originally! "OMIGOD! I can't believe you even suggested that!" But yesterday I remembered it and had that *ZING* of hope again. Dumb. But then I thought, "Wait a minute! Waiting for your husband to die???? That's not something that rational people say! Shit! Irritating Girl was in love with Franco!!!"

So I sent a text to Franco asking her to tell me the truth - was this what happened to Irritating Girl? (Since I knew they had been flirting once but then Franco cut it off because she really wasn't interested in I.G. and had just been looking for the distraction and the attention because her marriage wasn't satisfying her. I.G. was even going to go to fly and visit Franco but Franco cancelled the trip and then stopped talking to I.G. because she was re-dedicating herself to making her marriage work.) (Eerily familiar!) Franco wrote back that NO - this was nothing like the situation with I.G. She "supposed" I.G. was in love with her but the difference was that she was not in love with I.G. (As she was in love with me.) I guess that made me feel better. But then I remembered how poor I.G. continued to try to be Franco's friend while also healing and moving on. Part of that moving on involved her becoming interested in me and then guess what happened.... Franco and I fell for each other. Thus crushing poor I.G. again!

I still don't really like Irritating Girl but I do have a new sympathy for her. And the thing is... I do NOT want to become her. I do not want to watch Franco with other people. (Husband, obviously, and especially not anyone else that should come along. My god if someone else came along and she DID leave her husband for THAT person... the horror.)

Two friends in particular have been the ones keeping track of me mostly. Making sure that I get out of the house and go where I'm supposed to go and don't stay in my room weeping. Though I wake up at like 5-6am and cry and try to go back to sleep until a more normal waking up time. And no one can babysit me in the mornings. But it's good, I think, to let this all out and wallow in all this pain. If I allow myself to suffer then I won't hide it and bury it and then release it at inappropriate times in the future. (So I think.)

I try really really hard not to contact her. But I slip. And when I slip I get nice and caring responses from her but they have an element of coldness. Like between the lines it says, "Stop this. I can only text you once and then you have to quit!"So after endlessly talking out all my theories and feelings and everything with all of my friends only to be given differing advice from everybody based on their own current or past romantic dramas... I concluded that it was pointless to keep talking to everybody else. So last night I sent her an e-mail getting EVERYTHING off my chest. Usually this type of e-mail should be promptly deleted or printed but not sent or saved as a draft or left as a locked diary entry. I have one or two like that two - the really foul and angry ones. The ones I didn't send because I knew I'd so regret those later. This one, though, had loving things AND angry things AND hurt things AND hopeful things. It just had EVERYthing that I just wanted to tell her but couldn't because I wasn't allowed to talk to her on the phone. (Not that I would have been that coherant on the phone anyway.) It did feel better to send it all out to her. Yes, I probably burdened her with a lot of my feelings but it was also written at a time of acceptance I guess. Like... I'd been avoiding saying these things because I thought she might come back. But now that she's showed her steel reserve and willpower ... I guess I know she's not coming back. So I said things like, "Why should I bother being strong? Strong doesn't bring you back so I've got nothing to lose." The letter ended up being 6 pages long. Boy it was a doozy. And I ended it by saying, "if and when you respond - please please please don't be harsh" because the wound is still open.

But I know that there are things she'll need to say too. Explanations she'll feel that she needs to give (even though I understand why she made the choice she made). And I'm not really looking forward to that response.Today was sorta the calm before the storm I think.

This morning was NOT good. I did have an anxiety attack and had to close myself up in a bathroom stall to try to breath and not cry and pull myself together. I sent her a text then asking her to just please say something nice to me. She told me of a memory of a nice time we had together. A "nice" time... even her nice things seem to hurt like daggers. Later when I was on a break I broke down and called her on the phone - "I just needed to hear your voice to ground me" I said. And then I told her about the 6 page letter and how I worried that this may be the last time she'd talk to me. She said she'd check it and she let me go. She was OK to me but there was that coldness.

When I got home (I'm taking classes so I had a 45 minute break between classes during which I went home) I got a text from her responding to one of the sections of my letter. She assured me that she didn't want me gone and that I wasn't just a one night stand to her. (Both past tense sayings.) (Like I can totally read that like "I didn't want you gone but now I do.") "It just has to be this way," was how she ended it. Again another sting. I decided to just call her... "So you've read the e-mail?" "I'm reading it now... I just read that part and felt compelled to respond to that right away. I'll respond to this but maybe not tonight." I let her go and reminded her to please try to not be harsh when she did reply. Her phone call wrapping up tone was cold... I asked her if she was just cold or if she was just trying to make it easier to hang up. She said she was trying to make it easier to hang up.

But still... hearing from her at all just made me feel better today. Because I am worried about what her response is going to do to me. I'm feeling a little better... but her response will undoubtedly hold some final truths.. some final closure... some final unforgivable things. Maybe. I don't know.

Later after my second class I'd discovered I'd just received an award for something that was something Franco and I had in common and often talked about. I just had to tell her so I sent yet another text. She congratulated me and we carried on a brief but happy and humorous text-based conversation. She keeps asking me if I'm feeling better. I wish she'd stop. I wish SHE wouldn't feel better. But anyway... having all the communication with her today made me feel ... like I could survive.

The best best best best best part of my day, though, was at night. Hours after the conversation in the above paragraph... of her OWN VOLITION... WITHOUT ANY PROMPTING BY ME... she sent me two texts. The first, "Goodnight." The second, "I miss my best friend."

Awwww! She fucking made me high again. But god damnit then I get all upset because she misses her "Best Friend" and not her GIRLFRIEND!!

I'm still waiting for the shitstorm that is her response back to me though.

Ripped

2006-08-01T00:07:00.000-07:00

She's totally ripped my heart out. I don't think I can tell the story again to one more person rationally - including this anonymous diary.So short story - when her husband got out of jail - she "showed him how much she loved him" such that he now trusts her whole heartedly. In other words - she fucked him. And not only did she fuck him but A) she didn't have sex with him while thinking about me and crying like she did when had just started to fall for me and B) she showed him how much she "loved" him which means to me that she "made love" to him.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I've been dying. Like literally dying. I can't eat. I'm completely sick. I'm already uncomfortable because of my back and everything. This fucking fucking fucking fucking sucks.

There are so many hurts. How can she go from being in love with me and looking for apartments and knowing that the marriage was "over" on fucking Tuesday to forgetting about me and making love to him by Thursday?!?!?!Today I threw up from grief and that was a first.

She claims she's still in love with me. But she has an "ideal life" that she wants for her son and I'm not part of that "normal" that she wants. She said she's so upset about what she's done to me .. her "soulmate". HOW THE FUCK CAN SHE CALL ME HER SOULMATE AND DUMP ME AND FUCK HIM AND CHOOSE THAT LIFE?!?!? How can she still be in love with me (which she claims) and just drop me so fucking easily?!?!

My friends are all on "suicide watch" but when I can't even get myself out of bed in the morning... how can they even watch me? One of my guy friends has been great at talking me through some of this but I found out today that the reason he's so great at knowing how I feel is because he got dumped several months ago.

And ... and ... he still fucking hurts every day. And he still hasn't gotten his appetite back. And talking to me about my fresh pain makes him feel less alone in his. I know this pain - I've felt it once before when I was 17 and my first love broke my heart. I didn't feel this pain when my last girlfriend (called "NowEx" in my blog posts) and I broke up. I made NowEx come over to comfort me the night I found out.. she held me and let me cry (much to the chagrin of her current new girlfriend) but in the end she got insulted. "You didn't react like this when we broke up," she said. I lied and told her I had but I'd hid it from her. Really it's because I was never in love with her.

I'd just finally fucking admitted to Francophile that I was in love with her on Monday. Wednesday she dumped me. Thursday she ripped my heart out and stomped on it. And I've gone fucking insane.

Where?

2006-07-27T02:14:00.000-07:00

Where are the other characters?

Well Franco got REALLY jealous over HotttGirl and Texas Heather so I lost touch with them for a while. I still get the occasional text from Texas Heather. HotttGirl got upset about Franco because she was afraid she'd lose me as a friend. And it just so happened that after last week's "break-up" in which I took Franco's status away - HotttGirl was the first person I talked to (via IM). So, as Franco put it, she was there to "comfort me" and Franco was PISSSSSSED! Which I found entertaining. I still love that HotttGirl because of that flattery!

Lincoln is still around and slightly bitter that my attention has been distracted by Franco.

Irritating Girl still occasionally talks to Franco but does not seem to be talking to me. (I'm hoping that sticks.)

There's a new character that may show up again - Clarice Starling. Clarice is a girl I met in a group a few months ago who recently showed up again at a movie screening. After that night she gave me her number and we've had two hour long phone conversations (separate nights). (The second conversation was a drunk dial.) Clarice is an interesting girl and very pretty - way out of my league AND I'm not attracted to her in the slightest. (Now.) She's quite a talker (way too much) and far too skinny and "attractive" for my tastes. Really I like a little meat. (Can I just pause here to say that Franco's body was SOOOO wonderful! DAMN I'm going to miss it.) Anyway - Clarice clearly has no interest in me and sees me only as a friend but I figure she's worth adding to the character list just in case there's a lonely night, some alcohol and a need for a rebound snuggling. Ha!

SoYeahUm has been annoying, as per usual, but friendly. She plans to move back to the midwest sometime later this year - having not successfully found what she was looking for. Whatever that was.

Los Angeles Heather has been contacting me more lately. It was like she detected my relationship status and either felt safer contacting me or wanted to stir things up. She even said she wanted to arrange another dinner outing with me! Signals are crazy things.

I've really felt no excitement towards any of my regular women since Franco showed up and I'm hoping to build some of that up again. Though now my days of being a fake "playa" feel dumb.

July 27 - A Moon

2006-07-27T01:59:00.000-07:00

It's been almost exactly a month since my last post and a lot has happened (since a lot seems to happen in a short amount of time).

I'd like to touch on many things via bullet points:

- Shortly after my return to Los Angeles and Franco's return to her "normal life" with her husband - she decided that she just couldn't take the fighting and the yelling and just didn't know how to handle everything that was going on all at once. She decided to move out for a while. Fortunately the couple had an apartment building with two empties. Her cousin moved into one and she snatched the other and on moving day her cousins helped her move in a bed, a chair and some basic necessities. She loved it! She loved the freedom. She loved the low maintenance place and even began decorating. But her husband wasn't happy and his pride was getting more and more wounded.

- The time that Franco lived in the apartment was a wonderful trip for the two of us. She was nice to me all of the time. Couldn't wait to talk to me. We had a couple of wonderful nights exploring the new sexual aspect of our relationship via phone. Etc. Etc.

- But all good things must come to an end and Franco's husband put an end date on her staying at the apartment by renting it out to a new tenant that was set to move in on August 1st. We had a date. A date by which we knew things were going to end for our little fantasy world.

- I had a conversation with Franco - a brief one. Basically, I said, if you move back in with your husband I will no longer call you my "girlfriend." A simple word but now that our feelings had grown and changed (since my last blog I'd started to accept that I was falling in love with her) I would simply no longer be able to tolerate her being "unfaithful" to me by way of being faithful to her husband. She understood and she knew... if she moves back home... she loses her girlfriend.

- One night Franco stayed out late and reconnected with an old female friend from college. Franco's husband spent the night calling her and calling her (his jealousy, his lack of trust, his loss of pride, his embarassment ... all of these things just kept building and building within him making each day a little more unbearable - yet she still felt no regret for what she'd done with me). Eventually her cell phone died but she thought nothing of it. Her old friend and her went back to her place to carry on their conversation and being that there was no furniture - they sat on her bed and talked. Well then Franco's husband showed up and caught them "together in bed" and FREAKED OUT (since now he doesn't trust her with any woman). He lost it and the way he was handling their baby (whom he'd brought along) scared Franco. He told her that if she wanted to see her baby - she had to come home! And he turned around and left with their son. So she called me and told me that because of what happened (and she was crying and scared when she called) that she had to go home. And she did. And she spent that night in their basement.

- The next day she'd assumed that she'd lost me because of the move home but I told her that since it wasn't by choice - I couldn't take her status away. And she proceeded to call me and text me whenever she could but the change from her calling me whenever to going back to the OLD way (calling and texting only on the sly) was incredibly upsetting.

- Please understand that I do not know her husband. And I do not blame him for anything he's done in his reaction. And I definitely don't think he deserves what happened ... but I had fallen for his wife. And his wife had fallen for me. Her concern, however, continued to be her "pride" in her house and the way her "perfect" little family looked on the outside. More and more I could feel her pulling away from me and back towards this "perfect" little life. However one move back to her family would have been easier than the constant, "I don't think this marriage is going to last," and "I talked about you with my friend all night," and "Today he told me he was getting a lawyer tomorrow," and etc. Yes it was all true but it was all conjecture and LEADING ME ON. For whatever reason ... I had some sort of hope that things might actually work out for us ... and so I continued to open up my heart to her.

- Last Monday I awoke from an uncomfortable dream. A dream in which I was reacting to my trust issues. How could I trust a girl that lives nowhere near me... a girl that has obvious issues with being faithful? My fears were calmed when she called me that morning all giddy and told me that she'd just had a wonderful dream about the two of us getting married. I was all smiles until she slipped and said, "My husband got out of bed early this morning and yelled at me because he couldn't sleep because he kept thinking about what I'd done." "Wait... what?," I said, "Did you just say your husband got out of bed? When did your husband and you start sleeping together again?" She told me he'd started the night before. Two nights. He'd been sleeping with her for two nights and she didn't think it was important to mention. I died a little right there and my day was totally fucked.

- She knew it was coming but because of family issues (a death) she'd asked me to not "change" anything that week. But I was dying. Tuesday she had her first therapy appointment since our weekend - something that everybody had been begging her to do because her behavior (crying, numbness, self-inflicted injuries - totally my fault because I'd told her about my issues with that and she'd wanted to be like me) had been hard to talk her through. Afterwards she called me to tell me how it had gone and she told me that if I needed to have a conversation with her I could. So I did it - I took away her "girlfriend" title and begged her not to talk to me about her life with her husband anymore because it was too painful. She didn't argue. She didn't fight. She accepted it. And that killed me most of all.

- I spent Tuesday and Wednesday in a haze of that old familiar broken-hearted feeling though I knew I'd done it myself. She hadn't cheated on me.... she'd just been laying in the same bed as her husband... avoiding him as she'd done for all the months involved in our romance. But now it was different. And now with her therapy and her upcoming marriage counseling appointments and her moving home and her NOT kicking her husband out of bed and her NOT getting her own lawyer and her NOT being proactive in any way towards the ending of her marriage - I felt as if I was getting kicked to the curb. And could I blame her? No. But I did finally feel like I could want more than what she was willing to give.

- We talked several times with her trying to keep everything friendly but I was in pain and I was angry and so I reacted coldly and "tough" as she kept describing me. But she could still break me down and we ended up having nice conversations. Familiar conversations. And I told her that I was still her "mistress"... just not her girlfriend. And she began to open up a little more about her pain around me and the loss of her title and actually made me feel wanted again. And she managed to lead me on again... though I don't think she ever did or ever does it intentionally. She just wants me but she doesn't want to stir up her life. She would prefer it be done TO her instead of BY her.

- Monday I hurt my back and by Tuesday it was bad enough to seek an emergency appointment with my chiropractor. The woman approaches pain in a holistic manner and after a number of emotional/spiritual tests she determined that my back injury was due to my heavy emotions around a certain romantic relationship - I wonder who! I told Franco when I got home (she'd been checking up on my twice an hour - a perfect caring girlfriend type of thing to do) and she really took it seriously.

- Last night she went out drinking with co-workers and stayed out until all hours getting drunker and drunker. When she returned home she found her husband - drunk off his ass - and surrounded by holes punched in walls (blood everywhere), broken phones, broken pictures, broken EVERYTHING. Franco's sister (an off-duty cop) was there too and had been there calming her husband down for a while. She (the sister) drove him to the apartment to keep him away from Franco for the night (who was now terrified). He left with a case of beer, a bottle of pills and no phone so Franco and her sister called the police and asked them to check up on him. Franco called me to recount the evening and she was scared and crying and still horribly drunk. This morning she awoke to him standing next to her bed yelling at her and still horribly drunk. She was scared again and didn't know what to do so she called the police again. When they arrived he was being a sarcastic ass to one of the officers so they decided to arrest him. Franco begged them not to but they told her it was the third time they'd had to deal with him (so apparently they'd been called by someone else during the night) and that they were afraid of what he'd do to her if they left. They suggested that they would keep him until he sobered up. Franco called her parents and went to their house and told them everything (much they'd already known from guessing and hints) about us and why she felt that her husband shouldn't be in jail and everything. Her dad, whom she looks up to more than anybody, said he wasn't defending her husband but that he could understand why he was reacting the way he was. And for whatever reason - the guilt she hadn't felt about what she'd done with me (about what she'd been continuing to do with me) suddenly rushed in and hit her. All because of her dad not condemning her husband for his behavior. She decided then that she had to give her marriage a decent shot. She had to be honest with her husband and by honest that meant that when she said, "No I'm not talking to her!" she wanted it to be true. She continued to call the police throughout the day and they told her they'd be keeping him for the night because they wanted to do a psychological evaluation and they couldn't do that until tomorrow. She felt horrible. She wanted to be honest. She wanted to give her marriage one last chance. And she didn't want to hurt me anymore with her inability to give him up and the emotional stress that led to back injuries and etc. And so she decided she had to give me up once and for all. She talked to me for an hour... all around it and never getting to it until the end of the conversation. She talked about the knots she'd had in her stomach and the fear she had of talking to me... and so I feel like the best gift I could ever give her is to just let it be easy for her.

- So yes... I'm angry. I'm hurt. I feel betrayed. But I'm also sooo proud of her for finally making a decision in a direction. And rather like Catherine Zeta-Jones' character in the movie THE TERMINAL - I was rooting for the husband. And she's told me that she just wants to do things honestly - even if it is to separate and get a divorce amicably. She said she wants to be my girlfriend easily - with no distractions and no guilt about what being my girlfriend does to other people. I have nothing but respect for her. It maybe makes me fall for her even a little more. But how am I going to deal with her disappearing. Is it even going to work? Every other time we've had this talk (and admittedly it's been me more than it's been her) - we've just given up on trying to give each other up. We're addicted to each other. How is this time going to be any different?

Since last week's drama I've been slowly patching up all the little holes in my "wall" that she'd managed to get through. My wall, however, wasn't all that strong to begin with. I really have been really open to people lately so I don't want to over-patch the holes. The only person that's going to have trouble getting in (I think) is her again. Yes, I cried today but not as much as last week. There is a numbness that she's building in me and maybe it will be best if I hone that numbness and use it to keep her away if she tries to come back. I guess only time will tell right now. Brain says, "Keep her on the right path. Don't tempt her. Don't call her. Don't answer her calls." Heart says, "Remind her that you exist. That you're waiting. That you're hurting because of her. Guilt her into coming back to you." Thus far the Heart has won 90 percent of the battles. And this time I'm really rooting for the Brain.

June 28 - The Trip

2006-07-27T01:58:00.000-07:00

First I had a layover in Vegas and I know another Myspacer there and she invited me to dinner so we had a meal at the airport during my layover. She was nice - Franco was freaking out because she thought I'd a) like the other girl (not a chance) and/or b) not watch the clock and miss the flight so she kept checking on me.

I arrived at 4:00am and Franco picked me up. Lots of awkwardness - we had a hard time looking at each other because we knew each other TOO well and yet this was our first time meeting. Her mannerisms were different. She was less "girly" than I had envisioned. Different. (I mean we'd been talking for like 4 hours everyday. Texting. E-mailing. LOTS of communication and then here we are realizing that we are real people.)

Oh also when the plane landed the first message I got was that there was only one bed at the hotel! She'd changed the reservation to two beds but they didn't change it in the computer or something! So that weirdness was pending.

We got to the hotel - went to bed. Awkward. I tried to sleep but I was pretty nervous the whole time and damnit I just really wanted her to touch me. She told me later that she'd stayed awake for a little while - watching me sleep to make sure I was real. (Aww!)

I woke up around 8am (I'd not really been able to sleep in that awkwardness). She got up. We had some hotel continental breakfast in the room and were trying to pretend to read a newspaper because things were weird. We finished our muffins and went to the major mall in her city.

So basically Day 1 (Friday) was like all our first dates rolled into one. We went to the mall. Went shopping in the gifty shops. Had a small meal at McDonald's. Decided to watch a movie (Nacho Libre). In the movie we did the whole knees touching stuff. After the movie we went to the amusement park aspect of the big mall and went on a few "dark" rides (so more "accidental" bumping into each other type of stuff). Then we went back to the hotel to kill some time before we were both hungry enough to go to dinner. So we ended up deciding to take a nap since we hadn't had much sleep at all. During this time together on the bed she made her first move and scootched backwards into me. Her head landed into my hand so I sat there caressing her hair before I worked up the nerve to put my arm around her. We ended up cuddling during our nap.

Then we woke up and drove into town for dinner. Then we went back to the hotel to watch a movie (I'd brought my portable DVD player for movie watching). It was a three hour movie (Tipping the Velvet - I brought it because I thought it might create a "mood") and she ended up falling asleep after hour one. I put it all away and got ready for bed.

After locking the doors and shutting off all the lights I got back into the bed and she rolled over and faced me - I'd woken her up with all of my movements around the room. For five or so minutes we lay there staring into each other's eyes (well technically we couldn't actually see each other because it was pitch black) and making vague references to kissing. Finally she got up the nerve and approached me with her mouth and gave me her first kiss with a woman. I reciprocated and we continued to kiss for a while - each acknowledging that the other was an excellent kisser.

I caressed her arms, kissed her neck and found the bottom of her shirt and slipped my hand underneath. She did the same and just got closer and closer to my breast. I felt almost as if I was a "lesbian sex teaching dummy" at this point and wanted her to experience everything regardless of whether or not I was turned on so I coaxed her into finally touching it. She loved it! I began touching her breasts and eventually moved to using my mouth. She did the same. And it all progressed much much faster and further than I had ever expected it to. By the end of the night we were both sloppy with sex and dead tired. She'd managed to finish me and I'd only come close to her result. (She'd pre-warned me that she takes a long time and I would have stayed down there forever but she'd thrown me over to experience me.)

God her skin was soft. Her kisses were wonderful. Her touch was well honed. She spent the entire time nervous and HOPING that she wouldn't like it but when all was said and done - she was better than my exes in bed and I may have just turned her too gay! She kept repeating that she had no idea I'd be so sensual. As I told her then and as we both agree now - we didn't have sex. We made love.

Day 2 - Saturday - we went to her hometown. (Her husband and baby had driven out of town for a visit with grandma for the day). She showed me her house, we ate at her favorite restaurant, she took me to the spot on the river where she often likes to go to think about me, I briefly met her younger sister (who knew everything), the school she teaches at and then we went to a play at the community college. Afterwards and during intermission she kept running into people she knew and they'd ask things like "Oh you got away from the boys tonight huh?" and it was getting to her. We had to get the hell out of Dodge because she was uber weirded out by her "two worlds colliding". We went back to the city (2 hour drive each way) and watched hour 2 of the three hour movie before she fell asleep again.

Day 3 - Sunday - We went to a used book store (kissed while there) and ate at another restaurant instead. Then we went to the local art gallery (where we kissed) and browsed around in there. Then we sat in a park for a while and kissed there. Went back to the hotel. Ended up taking another nap. Got up and headed to a fancy restaurant for dinner. Went back to the hotel. Watched hour 3 of the movie and then watched another movie. Sleep.

Day 4 - Monday - This was a weird day. We slept in so we had to rush to pack up and get ready before check-out. Then we had a couple of hours to kill before my flight so we decided to go to the restaurant at Ikea. She was kinda being a shit and talking about dropping me off early so she could get back to her son sooner and just generally being kinda cold. So she dropped me off leaving me feeling like "Well fuck her then!" but by the time I got to Vegas she was calling me to tell me how sorry she was and how she just couldn't handle the goodbye so she was just trying to be mean to make it easier. So she got forgiven.

But keep in mind that her husband kept calling constantly throughout the weekend - angry at her (obviously) and accusing her of doing stuff which she kept denying. Ugh. One of the shitty things she said on Monday, after I asked her if she'd regret the weekend, was, "I'll regret it if my husband divorces me because of it." (Ouch!) Well apparently during my flight from Minneapolis to Vegas on the way back she'd confessed everything to him and had been bawling and super depressed and was essentially having a breakdown. And now she misses me horribly.

And in summation on my end: I like her but she was different than what I expected (in looks and mannerisms). I think I like her less now than I did before the trip and that she likes me more. I certainly don't like/love her enough to move to Minnesota and raise her kid as Mom #2 but I do like her enough to continue this weird long distance email thing that we have and it still stings that she wants to keep her marriage functional.

June 20 - Things Go Fast

2006-07-27T01:55:00.000-07:00

Things go fast when you find romance. Is that completely weird - or is it just... normal?

My whirlwind correspondence/romance thing with Francophile just spiraled into a huge ball of mush! But to back up...

Francophile and I began instant messaging - a new and scary thing for us. BUT it turned out rather well. Better than expected. We got to see a little more of our normal conversational selves as opposed to the planned and edited long e-mails we'd been sending. I even sent a video of myself saying hello - so she could see my mouth moving. :) She sent a reciprocation of just her feet - and her voice. Our first time hearing each other!

I finally went out with Irritating Girl and that led to Franco getting jealous that I.G. got to meet me and not her. We planned to have our first phone conversation the next day (while she was out driving her baby for his normal drive/nap) but it was tough waiting.

When it happened - it flowed well but having the e-mail/im personality transfer to phone personality was obviously a little weird. We spent most of the conversation talking about my "friend date" with I.G. By this point we already knew we super liked each other but adding the phone element was a test.

I failed the test! That's not to say that I sucked at talking - I did great! But I was weirded out by the phone voice - the accent I wasn't really expecting - the different flow of it all. But we had a great conversation and really liked each other so we planned another one for just a couple of days later. After our second when it became "audibly" apparent to me that Franco liked me a lot - this is when I failed. After our call she'd sent a new set of "six questions" and I answered them honestly and stupidly decided that she sounded "weak" on the phone (and that I should tell her that). (A weakness for me, I understand, but I like my women strong and a display of weakness makes me uncomfortable. I informed her that if that pissed her off then so be it. Her getting mad would undoubtedly undo that whole "weak" feeling anyway!)

And she did - she got pissed at me - and in another IMing session I totally turned it around so that I was out of trouble (by saying something nice and romantic... since after all... she was displaying her strength).

Also I admitted in that e-mail that I was having mixed feelings about our whole relationship considering I still wanted to be single. I've been single for about a year and still haven't had all the random stranger nookie I'd been crossing my fingers for! And I was starting to get mad that I couldn't even THINK of other girls because she was consuming me.

Well we made up. Continued talking. Talked on the phone more. And she maintained that I was single and could do whatever I wanted - a situation I was strongly behind.

The other element is that we'd been throwing around this term "Free Pass." We offered the free pass to each other often. Using the Free Pass, you see, would be like a "Get Out of Jail Free" card. You just say it and then presto - we stop flirting. We stop being anything other than friendly. We never used it until one day on the phone - after a particularly great conversation - I steered the conversation towards FREE PASS. We decided that we were on a dangerous path ... a path soon approaching a point of no return so I suggested that we use the Pass now before things just got too painful.

So we stopped our e-mail role playing "adventure" that we had going but vowed to continue the question game (as long as the questions were not flirty). We also "outed" our relationship to Irritating Girl who DID NOT take it well. She was pissed on a number of levels. Pissed at Franco for not telling her sooner. Pissed at Franco for ruining her chances with me (which she never had anyway). Pissed at Franco for doing this to another girl (her viewpoint is that Franco used her for flirting and then just tossed her aside ... which is true actually). But we also told I.G. about how we were 'on a pause' basically. I received IRRITATING advice e-mails from I.G. following that!

Moving on - for a day or so I felt as if we had broken up. I felt a little better - a little freer. But we still talked. However I was DETERMINED that we not take it all up again because we really were on a path of suffering. She'd suffer in her marriage by wanting me instead. I'd suffer by knowing she slept with her husband every night and not me.

Well then it came to an honest conversation one morning in which she told me that she'd had sex with her husband the night before and had cried during the act because all she could think about was me. I thought I could just take this information but it did hit me like a punch - not that she cried but that she'd had sex with her husband.

Ugh! Despite free pass usage it still still ended up sucking. We continued our conversation about how sucky everything was currently - us being on pause. Her marriage. Etc. We began to talk more again. Officially we were still "on pause" but not really.

She ended up buying a large pillow that she named after me and cuddled with every night (instead of her husband). I was doing the same with a pile of blankets and pillows. We began our mutual yearn... something a lot stronger than compelling e-mail conversations.

We came to the conclusion that we had to meet each other. We just had to see each other in person and decide if all this strife was worth it. Heck we could meet and find out that we simply had no chemistry! So we formulated a plot with Franco borrowing money from her sister and us meeting in her city (several states away from me but only a couple hours from her).

By now it's also important to note that her husband really had begun figuring things out. She was honest with him about our friendship and his interactions with her went from angry to sobbing to numb because he'd always known about her interest in women and he could tell (can tell) that she's slipping away from him.

Well we were seconds away from purchasing a ticket when her husband began a fight she couldn't get out of. She IMed a disclaimer that "for now I have to be faithful to my husband." With friends on my other ear warning me about Dateline exclusives.. and her fighting with her jealous husband - I freaked out and called it off.

We decided again - it was too much. We had to use our free pass! I suggested we delete each other's numbers and she planned to erase her myspace account. Clearly we couldn't do the "friend" thing so we had to just do the "no contact at all" thing and if fate wanted us to be together - we'd find each other again.

It was tough. Too tough to last even a night - we were both crying after several minutes and gave up on that idea again. She said she'd still delete her page after a few days but ... for now she'd keep it.

Well again... we just couldn't stay away from each other. We couldn't NOT flirt. It was just impossible - we got along too fucking well! She and I were just on a wavelength and couldn't (can't!) stop talking.

We had more long conversations. She had more fights with her husband. Good productive fights that led her to telling him about her feelings about certain things she'd been previously uncomfortable talking about. And every once in a while he'd say something wonderful about how he wanted to get out of her way so she could find herself.

We also spoke honestly about how we'd both hoped that something physical would have happened on our trip.

Then one day she called me to tell me that she'd had another great conversation with her husband but that for now she really needed us to be on hold. She repeated something I'd once said about how for my previous relationships I'd had to know a girl for at least two years... so she asked for two years. I said great. No problem. We can be just friends. We can't stop talking but we can be just friends. A great idea but ... I went weird. I couldn't handle it really and I guess in a subconscious effort to make her jealous I did silly things.

HotttGirl was online at the time and I knew that Franco hated HotttGirl (for jealous reasons) so I carried on one of those visible comment conversations that you can have on myspace. Nothing flirty but it left a long line of HotttGirl messages on my profile that I knew Franco would see. (And which she did see - and claimed afterwards, "I just can't look at your profile anymore because of her!"

That night I also received a text from Texas Heather inviting me to Houston. I said jokingly "if you buy the ticket" and then we talked on the phone. She insisted that she had my agreement in writing and that I had to go now! Well I figured I was stuck so I went with it ... part of me hoping that I would go and my whole opinion of Texas Heather would change. She's a super nice girl and I'd like to stay friends with her but after that conversation it made me miss Franco more (like it had only been a number of hours) because it was so hard and felt so fake talking to Texas. Conversations with Franco just flow. Well it was late at night when I had that conversation so I sent a text message to Franco letting her know that Texas was going to buy me a ticket to Texas so she'd know when she got up.

Well Franco woke up to a thunderstorm clap early early in the morning and read my text. It PISSED HER OFF! She thought she'd been deceived by me - that I'd been lying to her about the closeness of my relationship with Texas (since how could a girl I barely talked to be buying me a plane ticket). Well we proceeded to have a fiery text message conversation during which she essentially kicked the Sara pillow out of bed! (I still think that's sooo fucking cute!) And during this text battle I also admitted that I was so tangled up in her that I couldn't even think about anyone else. (True.)

So again... another Free Pass thrown out the window. We knew three things 1) We couldn't be "just friends." 2) We couldn't "not talk." 3) We just had to admit that we were mad for each other.

We've spent the last week in an in love bliss - completely consumed with each other to the point of having long conversations about our futures together. Who would move where. When it could start happening. What kind of dog to have as a pet. Who's having the next baby if we have one... etc. And all of this without meeting.

So really - not meeting didn't stop the flow of anything. Knowing this - we concluded that we did have to meet soon. We were/are too crazy about each other not to at this point.

So a ticket has been purchased and I am flying to meet Ms. Francophile this week. The day can't come soon enough. I know the week will be hellish for her because of her jealous husband but... who cares. And this time we're talking not about being "faithful" but instead about just how much we want to make love to each other.

Tonight Francophile received a package I'd sent her full of little odds and ends and she was just so bursting with love for me that she went to her sister's house and told her everything. She went home feeling incredible because her sister was happy for her and glad she'd finally told her why she'd been acting so weird all summer.

Things won't be easy. Things will be soooooo tough. But there's still a part of each of us hoping that we'll meet each other and think, "HA! Wow. No chemistry at all. Let's just be super great friends!" But we both think that chance is minimal at this point.

So good luck to me!

The next update may be incredibly exciting or super disappointing! I vote "exciting."

May 29 - Franco

2006-07-27T01:54:00.000-07:00

Since my last update I still have not gone out with Irritating Girl, Texas Heather spilled something on her phone - disabling it - so no new pictures/videos and no phone conversation yet, SoYeahUm's been a bitch who I hope to not associate with much anymore, L.A. Heather still hasn't really talked to me and HotttGirl changed her profile to say her orientation is "bi."

More importantly though, Francophile and I have continued to talk. At first it was just long e-mails but then at some point I suggested that she and I begin the "Six Question" game (the same one I "played" with Texas Heather) so that we could more directly focus our conversations.

The first question I asked her was a blatant, "So are you bi?" and her answer was in the affirmative. Then I asked her to describe her relationship with Irritating Girl - so I found out that actually they weren't friends in "real life." Actually they'd met on the Internet five years ago in a lesbian chat room, briefly had crushes on each other but then Franco met and fell in love with her husband to be and stopped talking to her. And they had just within the last several months found each other again on MySpace.

(So being "stolen" by a friend of I.G. no longer seems so rude and weird since I.G. and Franco have never even actually met.)

Anyway - I told Franco that I believed that the Six Question game inevitably led to harmless flirting (as warning) but she definitely wanted to play ... so we began.

And since that day we've both gotten a little carried away - e-mailing each other several times a day - staying up too late at night to write long responses - neglecting our work - not sleeping well - etc.

She's clearly dangerous. And she has some power over me - I just can't figure it out! For instance - in the beginning she asked me point blank if she was my type and I said, "No". But in a matter of two e-mails she had me saying, "You're exactly my type!" She's almost a Jedi knight using the "mind trick" on me ... just subtly saying things that I later repeat as if they were ideas of my own.

At the same time - some of the things she says (which are, by the way, some of the most romantic things anyone has every said to me) would make me bug my eyes out in fright/worry if someone else said them. But when she says them I swoon or blush or have a physical jolt run through me. Again I don't know what it is - she's not particularly attractive (though she is cute), she's exactly not the person I want to date (being just like my 2 exes in several ways) and she's totally unavailable (by relationship status and physical location). But I'm definitely "falling-in-like" with her and it is mutual.

I think part of the appeal is the secrecy though. Like not only from her husband (obviously) but also from Irritating Girl who might get upset when she finds out. (I'd still like to keep it from her but Franco says she's so consumed with me right now that she doesn't care who knows and actually WANTS I.G. to know because she has a right to like me if she wants to.)

Another part of the appeal is that she's never actually done anything with a girl. She's admitted that she's bi and before she met her husband she was telling people that she preferred women but... I guess in her small town world in the middle of America - she didn't have a lot of those opportunities.

All the usual red flags are up... but in this moment I've got yet another crush on yet another married girl.

May 9 - Irritating Girls

2006-07-27T01:52:00.000-07:00

There's this girl - I don't even know what to name her yet. Thus far I can call her "irritating girl" but well that's just nondescriptive! But it'll do for now.

Anyway, Irritating Girl, sent me a note on Yahoo Personals. Yeah yeah yeah I had a page there but I never bought the subscription so it just sat and sat until one day I got a note from her. She seemed kind of interesting but honestly... I thought she was maybe a little too big for me.

I know that sounds horrible but I'm coming from A) I'm "bigger"... I've lost a LOT of weight but I'm still bigger. But because I DID lose a lot of weight I feel that I'm entitled to, at least for now, somebody that is a little healthier (whether I am or not). B) The three girls I've had relationships with have all been "bigger." The first being about my size, the second being far too skinny and then I fattened her up to a nice soft plump, and the third being far too big. C) After dating that third girl I know that I was simply not attracted to her a lot of the time. Her breasts were too big. She thought mine were too small (they're a decent average, thank you very much!) and D) My mother has always been a large woman. In the last couple of years she's dropped over a hundred pounds by having one of those weight loss surgeries and major Weight Watchers dieting.

All of that being said - I don't really want to date a "bigger" girl this time. This is also partially why I didn't want to date SoYeahUm ... because she could lose another 40 pounds.

(Keep in mind that my ideal woman is about an American sized 16 to 20. Though I'll go as low as 10 - 12.)

Anyway... so Irritating Girl was much too big but I figured, "What the hell!" and I sent her a reply with my MySpace address so we could talk there if she was a member.

She was and she began regularly sending me messages. Well she was Irritating right from the start... she didn't do anything truly outrageous (JEM!) but just did little things like asking me why I would like a movie that was my favorite movie. Talking about how she didn't like certain things. The way she phrased things... they just bugged me.

Right after Irritating Girl added me as a friend - a member of her list sent me a long note telling me about how fascinating she found me and asked if I would be her friend as well. This girl, we'll call her Francophile, and I have been exchanging long back and forth e-mails as well. Of course, as you can probably predict from this journal, she is married and has a small son. But I got a major bi-vibe from her. She's never outright said anything to me or even flirted in the slightest... but I feel like its only a matter of time. And I did/do feel a little awkward that Francophile, a real-life dear friend of Irritating Girl, is sending me these notes (with the subtext of "I'd like a woman to help me escape this marriage"... or that's what I think anyway) without Irritating Girl's knowledge.

BECAUSE it is plainly obvious to everyone that Irritating Girl wants me. (Upon conversing with SoYeamUm the other day I mentioned IR and she said, "Is that the girl who wants your babies?")

Anyway Irritating Girl even started a fan club for me - I had a little to do with that but it STILL weirded me out. And I had it ALL planned in my head that if Irritating Girl ever DID ask me out (because unlike most of the girls my stories are about, she's actually local, my age and single) that I would explain to her that I found her irritating and that it wouldn't be a good idea.

Well last week she did it - she asked me out! And I said "Sure, just as long as we don't call it a date because I'm still weird about those." Well she said cool - it would just be two potential friends getting coffee but WE ALL KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE!!

Well besides being Irritating - Irritating Girl, based on her profile, seems like a plumper L.A. Heather... who I still have built up to grand proportions in my head. So maybe she won't be that Irritating in real life.

(Oh and for the record, I finally asked Irritating Girl what the story was on Francophile. I didn't want to tell her about the messages but I.G. brought up that she was not "out" on MySpace or in real life with family but that most of her Top 8 didn't know. So I asked about Franco and told her we'd been writing little notes and I didn't want to accidentally slip that I.G. was gay if she didn't know. Well I.G. told me that Franco knew and was just recently realizing that she might be a bisexual herself. I knew it!!!)

Next stop - live Broadcast

2006-05-09T20:09:00.001-07:00

VIDEO MESSAGES!!! Heather 2 has sent me a bunch now.

Her voice... kinda bugs me. I think this is because it reminds me of another girl I dated .. this could be it.

Maybe I'm just viewing this through a, "She wants to marry me and have me commit forever!!" filter and in reality she's just cool and wants to be a friend. Were it a friend sending me these videos - they would be cute and funny. Thinking of them the other way... they're scaring me a little.

Though the little boy saying hi to me and giggling was kinda cute.

The Heathers - Heather 2

2006-05-09T20:09:00.000-07:00

Looooong ago and yore and forescore ... I had an image of NOT ME up on MySpace. It was a picture of a girl that kinda/sorta looks like me but isn't ... and in this picture this actress was wearing a hat.

Well one day I received a message from a random gal - average in cuteness with a pretty blank profile and only one image up. An image of her playing chess. The message read something like, "Girls in hats are hot!"

I wrote back explaining that while, in fact, the girl in the hat was hot - she was not, however, me.

The girl wrote back and apologized and explained that the message was not actually from her, it was from her friend that was just goofing off on the site with her. They'd found my page and she'd remarked on how cute the picture was (it really was sort of an oddball pic) and the friend had sent the message before she could stop her.

This was my introduction to Texas Heather.

Well Texas Heather and I had very few interactions and on the rare occasion ... primarily because she didn't visit the site much. When she did we'd carry on a conversation through messages but, all in all, I did not know very much about her. Other than that she liked chess. (She only ever had that one picture of her playing chess.) When we did chat I'd take a moment to consider her. (And by "consider" I mean "ask myself if I think she likes me and if she likes me do I like her and could anything come of it" etc. etc.). The conversations were rarely very deep and not very informational. (It was months into our acquaintanceship before I even found out that she had a son.)

One night it so happened that Texas Heather and I were online at the same time and she began telling me a story about how there was this girl that she liked but this girl had a friend and one thing led to another and she'd ended up sleeping with the friend. But not just "sleeping with her"... she described it as "all night sex." ALL NIGHT SEX?? I was intrigued! (And I figured "OK I'm out of the running but whatever we'll be friends and I WANT GOSSIP!") So she told me about the experience and about how she wanted something of it but the girl talked about how she didn't want a relationship and now things were totally ruined with the other girl she liked and things were all around messed up! Sad! But juicy gossip just the same. (Not that I had anyone to tell or even knew who she was talking about.)

And we just continued to chat. And then again she went absent.. as she fairly often did.

Then she popped up again one day and it happened to be one of those days when I had posted one of those occasional "Ask me 6 questions and I promise to answer honestly" bulletins. So I received a note from her asking 6 random questions! Well fairly random. Question number 5 was "Do you think I'm hot?" And Question number 6 was "Would you find me hot if I was wearing pink leotards and a polka dot shirt because that's what I'm wearing right now!" (I answered in the affirmative but I really only had the one picture to go off of.) And after sending that she sent another message telling me that, out of fairness, I could ask her six questions too.

Thus began our "courtship".

For a few weeks it became VERY EXCITING to log in to the good ol' inbox because the questions were going back and forth and it was QUICKLY devolving into questions of a sexual nature. Sure there were some deep ones and interesting ones and lots of random ones but also ones like, "Have you ever been tied up?" "Are you a top or a bottom?" Etc. She'd also put a couple of new pictures - more recent ones and they seemed cute. (But you know... we only put up the good ones so who knows REALLY.)

The girl I thought of as this semi-innocent chess player was NOTHING like I'd imagined her. She was bold. She was organizing social forums and drag king shows that she hosted. She was interesting.

And while I found her interesting and the whole heated sexual questioning was fun... I knew she wasn't my type. She wasn't someone I'd even run into or talk to in real life. We had pretty much NOTHING in common. (Oh and I also found out that blah blah blah she was bi and had a boyfriend that she was breaking up with and then found out she was pregnant but was like "whatever i'm still breaking up with you" and that's how the son (3 years old?) came into the picture.) But BI! I love my bisexual women!

(This, mind you, was ALL HAPPENING WHILE I was getting excited about meeting L.A. Heather, and then going on the ambiguous "date" with L.A. Heather, and L.A. Heather was potentially reading the "hey sexy" comments on my page etc.)

And then suddenly it all came to a stop because her computer broke. She came back online maybe two weeks later and sent me a message with her phone number...asking me to maybe call or at least send text messages.

It was another week or so before I finally got up the nerve and sent her a note via phone. And just this week she's started sending me pictures of herself and her kid. Last night she sent pictures of "Hi Sexy" written on her legs in lipstick. Tonight - video of her house.

And here is where it maybe gets complicated (as if the whole thing isn't ALREADY COMPLICATED with her being not my type and several states away from where I live) - the pictures from her phone... they're not like the ones on the internet. She's dyed her hair, the cut is different, she looks like a different person... a person that I don't find as attractive. A person that I would probably never talk to (not that I talk to a lot of people to begin with). And the video... her voice was deeper than I expected. Hmmm... thinking back... she hosted that "drag king" show. Even though she described herself as a "bottom"... maybe she is "the guy" in a relationship. It really is hard to tell... while I describe myself as being exactly in the middle on that butch/femme scale... I would also sorta consider myself "the guy" ... and I once dated another "guy" and that whole experience was AWKWARD. So I tend to worry about that sort of thing now.

So, in summary, it's been several weeks since the questions stopped. The texts and pictures have just started. Phone calls will likely soon follow. I actually sent her a longish e-mail about my ambiguous date with L.A. Heather but... since her computer's broken I'm pretty sure she hasn't seen it. And I'm in a position of WANTING to send her messages like "hi cutie" and "hey sexy" and "love your hair!" but ooops... I don't think she's as cute. I don't think she's sexy. And I don't love her hair. But I can't say those things obviously.

So... I guess... how do I slow this boat down? I'm worried that the next thing I'll know she'll be packing up some bags and coming to visit me.

And the OTHER thing... while its fun to flirt with my married girls and bi-moms (cuz there's another one that I think is hitting on me) ... the LAST thing I actually want to do is date a girl with a kid.

I don't really deal well with kids. And I'm far far far away from being able to support or raise one.

The fact of the matter is... I just want to be the type of girl that can have some meaningless sex with some girls looking for fun. The dilemma being that I'm conflicted about that entirely ... since I'm not really comfortable with a lot of people and CERTAINLY not comfortable with my body. So I come off as super-charming (in my own opinion) and get girls to like me... but once they like me.... meaningless sex is out of the question. Bad news for me.

So what I want from Texas Heather is maybe a bunch of dirty e-mails, some dirty phone calls and maybe JUST MAYBE ... a visit for some physical stuff ... but NOT a relationship. Not a "you're so beautiful" set of e-mail exchanges. Not a weird long-distance thing... hell I know enough about internet dating to know that the chemistry online isn't always tangible in real life. A meeting is vital. I won't write her entirely off (or I should say that I won't write my attraction to her, or lack thereof, off) until we've met in person ... but in the meantime ... how do I pause this?

The Heathers - Heather 1

2006-05-08T17:39:00.000-07:00

I think I'm going through an "H" period.

In addition to HotttGirl (who always somehow remains an element of this blog) there are two girls you haven't heard about, Heather and Heather. Yes, they're both named Heather! I differentiate them using their locations - so there is L.A. Heather and Texas Heather.

This entry is about L.A. Heather:

L.A. Heather is probably the only girl on MySpace that I found by myself. Usually I get strange add requests or, on the rare occasion, meet someone first but L.A. Heather was a profile I stumbled on to accidentally. We had some important common interests, she listed herself as bisexual (a key point for me) and she was just the shape and complexion that I find attractive! I added her in a heartbeat thinking, "Wow! She's perfect!" Her first set of "points" came from the question, "Why?" She wanted to know Why I wanted to add her - she wasn't just a two-bit MySpace "whore" who wanted a bunch of friends and didn't discriminate! So I told her - we have lots of things in common! She accepted my add.

Our interaction was very tentative. Since I added her - I had made the first move. This left me/leaves me on very unstable ground because I DON'T know if there is any attraction on her behalf.

Several months ago I posted a blog called a "dating resume" listing all of my dating strengths and weaknesses. She sent me a note that she liked the entry and was going to copy it and she proceeded to write one of her own. At first I wondered if it was a direct response to mine - like "well I know I like your attributes so before we go any further, here are mine ... and now the ball is in your court." I still wonder. That still could be the correct interpretation. Regardless, upon reading the dating resume I realized that this sweet-looking girl with all the common interests - was not as sweet as I thought. And there was something else too.

First let me just mention that she advertised her interest in certain fetish sexual acts ... something I am not familiar with but certainly nothing that would scare me away. But she attends meetings for them! Secondly, I learned she was rather outgoing (sexually) and that this may have been the result of mistreatment by her father. Red flags go up at this point because, well, I have a tendency to be insensitive to the plights of others. Thirdly, she listed that she was sick. Like really not well - she didn't outright say it but I interpreted it to mean that she had a terminal illness.

That really halted my forward momentum there. Not that I can't accept that there are terrible things in life, but like I said, this girl was perfect on paper... I was afraid that I could fall for her quickly and then my mind raced to the devasting end of a relationship in which she was dying and I was taking care of her. It was big. Heavy. I decided that, though perfect, I was simply not ready for that.

I continued to correspond (via occasional comment/message/blog reply/etc.) but never made a move, never indicated interest, never really did anything... though in thoughts she came up a lot. She occasionally sent invitations to me to go to things with her and friends - I always declined (schedule conflicts, just your average fear of socializing with strangers, etc.). Once she even sent a specific note inviting me to hang out with her since she was in the area (for school). I managed to be non-committal while saying "Yes." But it never happened... I never worked really hard at making it happen. I still didn't know what to do... and top that with my everyday average shyness.

Eventually I decided that I might want to go back to college to get a degree in art. (A second degree.) As it happens, and I knew this upon thinking about it, L.A. Heather attended (attends) the school I applied to. I created reasons for communication because of this coincidence. (Really, the school is about two blocks from my house and I have a friend that works in admissions who helped push paper through.) Part of me knows that I applied there strictly as an excuse to meet her. Talk about expensive dates!

So finally it was coming - our first meeting! I didn't know when it was going to be but I knew it was going to happen. By now she'd also already given me her number - in case I ever wanted to do something.

First day of school.. I'm wandering around in a panic... bulky school items... in line because of a problem with my account... don't know where my next class is... etc. etc. and then I hear in my ear, "Sara?" I turn and there she is.... inches from me... and prettier in person! I say something dumb to which she giggles politely and then I'm called on. I deal with the women at the window, turn to leave and tell L.A. Heather that it was good to run into her and that I'll see her around. I then proceeded to leave and had a mini-heart-attack before my next class started. Oh Christ! THIS is gonna be trouble!

A week or so goes by and we chat a little online and realize that she'll never be at school on the days that I'm there because of our current schedules... so if we want to do something we'll have to set it up for a weeknight during which we'll both be in town. Another few days pass and then one day that I randomly got off of work I received a text message from her asking me what my schedule was for the day. We exchange a few back and forth replies which lead to us decided to go get something to eat. I decide the texting is taking forever so I take a deep breath and call her and we set up a time.

I meet her at school where we have to wait in a computer lab for something to process and I can tell that she seems nervous. Somehow her being nervous really sort of empowered me and though I was also freaking out... I took the lead role in the situation because... somebody had to. While we waited and chatted I decided to log on to the good ol' MySpace to kill some time. There on my page was a semi-suggestive comment from Texas Heather which made me smile. Fun to read but BAD TIMING... especially if L.A. Heather was doing any MySpace stalking while SHE was waiting. But we continue...

The process ends and L.A. Heather and I grab up our stuff and we head to my car where I drive her to a restaurant for lunch. I think our conversation went rather well - we didn't seem to run out of anything to say and she, for the most part, really seemed to remain in that nervous state. I took it as a good sign.

We left, I returned her to her car, I said something stupid about "thanks for being my school friend," missed an opportunity to give her a friendly hug, she departed and that was it.

Afterwards I thought, "That was great," but then there was nothing! I consulted with my friend advisors (including Lincoln... who I've yet to explain to you), I posted a blog quiz thing that (if she read it) made it clear that I don't pick up signals well so if the "reader" is interested they'll have to let me know, made comments on her page that suggested I was following up on our food conversations and etc.

Still nothing.

Lincoln advised me that if I really wanted to see her again that I had to continue taking the lead and send her some kind of message letting her know that I had fun and that I'd like to do it again.

Nothing.

On MySpace you can check to see if someone's read something... she'd read it. Nothing.

After about a week of nothingness (during which time Lincoln ALMOST convinced me to send a "oh well then nevermind" sort of note) L.A. Heather posted a rather personal blog about how she'd spent the last week ill, suffering and the doctors had given her more bad news.

So I forgave her for her nothingness. How could I not? But as days went on and she posted more bulletins and changed her page and etc.... in any of those days when she was feeling good enough to do those things... she could have sent some small note. And she hasn't.

My fear is that my "taking the lead because you're nervous" attitude... topped by her actual nervousness... really unsettled her normally outgoing/social/leader ways. Or maybe she saw the note from Texas Heather... or maybe the little jokes and comments on my page about being a "Playa"... or maybe she just didn't find me attractive. Who knows? I don't... because there has still been NOTHING.

And THAT brings us up to current on L.A. Heather.

Baxter

2006-04-23T01:31:00.000-07:00

Baxter - Remember her? She said I was hot and then left the country promising to be back in two months... ring any bells?

Yeah I all but forgot about her too though while she was gone she did send a couple of notes from Internet cafes. Nothing exciting - just a few notes on how she loved traveling and how yes, the Japanese girls in uniform skirts WERE hot.

Then apparently she came back home and I heard NOTHING. I only figured out she was back in the country because her band's profile started being active again. I got some bulletins about new shows, new magazine articles and etc.

So finally I gave in (I was until then avoiding the contact since she didn't initiate anything upon her return) and sent a "Congratulations" note. (For the new album and etc.) She responded with a "Haven't seen your face in a while! You should come to a show!" So it was positive... yet it was still advertising her band. I sighed heavily and ignored the message.

About a month later (??) I changed my profile pic (it really is sorta sad that most of my life revolves around MySpace but... it just does) and she sent another note about how I looked cute (though stoned) in the pic. I have yet to answer that one. But I may tonight since I've just reminded myself of it.

Salizzle McHellNo

2006-04-23T00:46:00.000-07:00

The tale of Salizzle was a short one though very entertaining and somewhat dramatic. As a recap from the last blog - I met her through SoYeahUm's friend. Me, SoYeahUm, Salizzle and the friend went to a little coffee club to hear a singer. After the evening she gave me a hug which I unexpectedly liked. It wasn't "expected" because she was much older than me and not my type at all but I enjoyed her.. I guess her smell. The shampoo/perfume concoction and the way she hugged. I really don't know what it was. The next week she showed up to a group thing I belong to, sat and talked with me for a while and then at the end - gave me another one of those hugs.

When I got home that evening I'd received an e-mail from her asking me out - I politely declined - using HotttGirl as my excuse. I explained that I was really only attracted to bisexual girls (or at least not the full force man dyke that she came across as).

Continuing from there - Salizzle began a regular correspondence with me. She explained that something almost magical had happened when we'd met at that coffee house. When she saw me she started getting chills. When we hugged it drove her a little mad. She'd spent the next few days thinking only of me and meditating on why this was. Her conclusion was that we'd known each other in a past life. When I declined her date she meditated again asking the universe specifically, "Well why won't she go out with me? How did we know each other?" Her meditations led her to the answer that in a past life we were two guy friends and we'd fallen for the same woman. Somehow this love for this woman led to Salizzle's downfall/death/whatever. Who the woman is in this life - we don't know. I guess I was the winner but ... I don't know. Now I'm not one to totally discount this meditation because I do very much believe in reincarnation... and there was that hug. I can't say that I felt magic sparks or remembered her/him or the love we fought over... but there WAS something.

Anyway - we continued talking... she e-mailed (via MySpace) like two or three times a day and continued to show up to our group meetings. I told SoYeahUm that she was strictly not allowed to give Salizzle my real e-mail address because she was getting a little out of hand with her long-winded messages and always seeming to show up at events I would be at. Our group went to a movie - she was there. SoYeahUm invited me to a board game party - she was there. Etc. Etc. Etc.

Additionally - Salizzle was/is FUNNY however her humor always seems to be a little crude. While I do find her jokes funny I also find them a little uncomfortable because they just seem like they are coming from a person that is not comfortable in their own skin.

She explained this indirectly by talking to me about how she's always been a little on the psychic side. Not enough to be on TV and find lost kids but enough to get her into trouble by remembering little snippets of past lives involving me.

Salizzle continued to talk to me so at some point I felt it necessary to go into more detail about my "relationship" with HotttGirl. Salizzle was very concerned and started sending me messages about how my spirit guides asked her spirit guides to tell her and to pass on the message that getting involved with married people was dangerous. Well no shit! Especially when the husbands are military trained.

But I gave her the good "I know" and just let it be. I did figure that it was time to fill HotttGirl in on our "relationship" though so one night on IM (which we rarely do anymore) I told her all about Salizzle. We also spent the night talking about relationships and kissing and my lack of experience in that department. (Not that I have a lack of "experience" but rather a lack of "variety" ... you see I've only kissed two girls - my two ex girlfriends.) This night of chat led to HotttGirl posting a couple of comments on my page about "The next time I kiss you I'm gonna squeeze your butt more..." etc. This was supposed to be a "hey back off Salizzle" and a justification to the few lies I'd told to S about why I did not want to go out with her.

Around this same time I had posted one of those bulletin things where the question is "What would you say if you woke up next to me in bed?" I thought better of it AFTER I'd posted it but too late - Salizzle responded and said something to the effect of, "Am I dreaming, gorgeous? I hope I don't have morning breath." She sent it twice because she thought it failed the first time. This and she didn't repost it for all to see (like you're supposed to) - she sent it only to me. It was creepy. It was gross. I felt that something needed to be done so I responded kinda rudely and basically said that she'd disturbed me.

Well she responded with an e-mail telling me that I'd "been a woman too long" because I had just hurt her feelings like a woman would. I thought, "Shit! Now I feel horrible but at least she'll go away!!" She didn't go away but instead sent a message apologizing for her overreaction but we haven't exchanged many e-mails since. Rude as I was - I think she finally got the hint that I wanted her to back off. She still shows up at the monthly events with the group we belong to but now we talk only a little (in this life we're still just acquaintances). E-mails stopped. It also helps that a month or so ago I received a note from her telling me that she'd met her soulmate and now had this woman as a girlfriend.

(The last time I saw her she was telling me about how she was having her new girlfriend read my profile and how they both agreed I was funny. I wonder if I'll ever meet this girlfriend and if she'll be that mysterious girl we fought over in that past life.)

Quick Run Down?

2006-04-23T00:45:00.000-07:00

Let me see if I can give you the run down on all things me:

1) HotttGirl - Her husband went to the army and I was all but forgotten in her lonely days. Quite the opposite of the super drama I was expecting and in a way - WHEW! What a relief! She missed him to much to even consider cheating I think. He visited for the holidays. She moved back in with her parents and thus is only existing on Dial Up internet so no new random chats and nudie pix. Next month she'll move to Arizona with the husband and then she'll be even farther away and less of a temptation.

2) NowEx - We still hang out. We spent a lot of time over the holidays together... and often spent the night together cuddling. No sex! Strictly no sex! She did try to make moves on me a couple of times but I was having none of it. I do NOT want to be back together. This friendship yet cuddling yet sadness situation does leave us prone to arguments and un-voiced complaints.

3) Baxter - She's new. You haven't met her yet. Baxter is a bi-girl "in a relationship" who started messaging me on MySpace (what's new?). She's super attractive (not as hot as HottGirl but still..) and the lead singer of a punk band. I kinda got the vibe that she was hitting on me but I can't tell really because ... well.. I have no self-confidence. So everytime I think someone might be hitting on me - lately I've been forwarding the message to SoYeahUm. Her opinion was that the girl wanted attention and specifically attention for her band so I thought nothing of it UNTIL... Baxter sent me a message that specifically said, "I think you're hot. Do you like me?" Well I was like "Whoah! WTF?" I sent her a note back thanking her for making my year and to have a good trip. (A good trip? Yes - because she totally sent me that note along with the "I'm leaving the country for two months" addendum.) (I've been taking the two months to exercise and diet a little because THIS GIRL SHOULD NOT BE ATTRACTED TO ME AND SHOULD SHE COME BACK AND ACTUALLY WANT TO MEET ME... I'M A COW!)

4) HmmmHmmmWow: I went to a psychic a few months ago and the psychic physically described HmmmHmmmWow and said, "She is still really interested in you romantically." I called SoYeahUm and told her and she busted up laughing. Right after that I got an e-mail from HmmmHmmmWow asking me to hang out with her. I managed to blow her off politely (I think) but the hang out date was rescheduled for the new year after her return from a holiday trip. Nothing yet. I'm crossing my fingers she got the message.

5) Michael's Girl: You haven't heard about her yet. She's a girl I met on Craigslist - saw her Myspace and immediately determined that I was not interested. The feeling, however, was not mutual. I sent a mass invite to a Lesbian group thing that I'm a member of and she showed up. Still not interested. Later she invited me to a movie and referred to me as the "cute date" she'd like to take. I did not respond. HOWEVER... she's possibly got a hook up to an interesting job that I want and I fear that if she helps me get employed there... she'll expect more of me somehow.

6) Salizzle: New to you. New to me. I met her last week. She's a 40 year old butcher lesbian who I met through a friend of SoYeahUm. We all went to see a lesbian singer together and Salizzle was drawn to me. I commented on her nice necklace. She showed up to my Lesbian group thing with SoYeahUm and the mutual friend. She shared some jokes with me. And then I got home and she'd sent me an e-mail asking me out on a date. I didn't know what to do! 40 is quite a bit older than me and she was on the butch side. I don't really like the "butch" side. I politely declined telling her it would just be a waste of her time since I was pretty much only attracted to femmey bi girls and that I was still super infatuated with someone else. (HotttGirl. Which isn't true. I haven't really thought about her for a good month and a half. I really only like attention and when she stopped giving it to me... I got bored.)

7) Lincoln - A newer friend on MySpace from Ohio. We're talking more. Chatting more. We're clearly just the punch-each-other-on-the-arm type of buddies but it's good to know her as a character since she might show up again. Lincoln and SoYeahUm have also been chatting... also just chums but Lincoln every once in a while reports that SoYeahUm was asking questions about NowEx. (Since I talk to Lincoln more about things like that than I do with SoYeahUm.)

8) Minnie - the friend I might love? Well she's gone back to school and while she's out of sight...she's out of mind. I really don't think I'm in love with her but I'm definitely attached in some way.

9) PatGotAGuy and AndyGotAnAche - my two lesbian bosses at a newer job. AndyGotAnAche, once she figured out that I was gay, asked me out to the movies. I freaked out! Was this a date? She's probably in her early-fifties, butch and smokes far too much. Like too too much... to the extent that I can taste her when she enters a room and want to bring candles to work to cut the smell. Yuck. For Christmas she bought me pajama pants. What the hell is that about??

10) Not a person - a fact. I finally went to a gay bar WITHOUT a date. I went with SoYeahUm and some friends of hers. It was more like a lounge and with us all sitting at one table (two gay boys and three lesbians that weren't interested in each other) it was mildly entertaining. Also - felt a bit like I was on safari - hunting and being hunted. And let me tell you some of the girls there were AMAZINGLY HOT! Not what I expected at all. I guess I was expecting a bunch of flannel-wearing-mullet-types. I don't know why. I will likely go again but the entire time I was COMPLETELY AFRAID that HmmHmmWow was going to show up because it is one of her typical hang outs. SoYeahUm found this hilarious and kept teasing me.

And that should bring us up to date pretty much in the realm of the Refried Lesbean learning to be a proper single lesbian in Los Angeles.

Happy New Year

2006-04-23T00:44:00.000-07:00

Do you ever get that feeling that you've been talked into something ... and maybe its true or maybe you're just talked into it ... or maybe it was true all along and everybody noticed but you?

I met this girl in college. I remember the first moment I saw her. I thought, "This girl looks out of place here. She looks lost. A little scared. She looks like I feel." Then it turned out that she was going to my school and that she was moving in to the room next door.

We became fast friends - both a little out of place having come from the same city and having moved across the country to an entirely different place. I remember being jealous every time she had a new friend. Especially a new friend that was closer to her than me. I have a lot of trouble just being comfortable with people and some people just have it so easy. They just settle in and have the confidences of people. That's what I wanted with her but she found it in other people because I was so insecure.

She decided to graduate early and took the extra classes and the summer classes and transferred to the campus our school had in our hometown just to be home earlier. Two years into college and my college best friend abandoned me. I was totally at a loss but in a way it was good because I was forced to meet new people and form new friendships instead of my own slightly obsessive one. (Looking back now - I realize it was slightly obsessive.)

But since she was from my hometown - she was still in my life - but ever since our relationship has been difficult. I just want her all to myself but I can't be comfortable in a room with her. I get insecure. I get quiet. I get weird. So it was easy for her to lose touch with me.

Recently she moved out of town and decided to go to law school. She doesn't plan on ever coming back but she visits. And when she visits she only sees me with others. My other friends have that ease with people and those friends adopted her and get alone with her "easily." No weirdness.

Well one of these mutual friends started teasing me a year or so ago. She says that she and our other friend just like to make up lies and then tease people about it because its funny. Well she decided to start saying things like, "If you wear that low cut top you'll make Sara happy!" to my college friend. (We'll call her Minnie.) And just otherwise inferring that I was attracted to Minnie. (You must understand that all of my friends are straight girls.)

She'd laugh and cringe and say "Stop!" and I'd do the same because Minnie was my friend and I just couldn't think of my friend in that way. It was gross. I loved her but NOT in that way.

But that seed was planted and I always wondered why. Why did they say that about her and not about anyone else? Did they know something? I mean - did Minnie say something? Could Minnie be attracted to me? It was impossible - she was/is so straight. But the thought made me fantasize. At first - nothing. I couldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to think of her in that way and I still can't. But I also can't account for why I get SO jealous and hurt when she goes out with people and not me. Or meets guys at bars. Or whatever.

Tonight was New Year's Eve and Minnie is in town. She, me, my ex and the friend that started the teasing went to a local bar. I HATE bars. I LOATHE bars. But being with Minnie is a plus - even though I know that the evening will end badly for me since I hate the experience. Everything was OK though - we were getting along well. Nobody was interfering with us. But then someone decided we should go to the dance floor. My ex and Minnie were dancing with me until some dude took Minnie away. Then took her outside. Then I left to go to the bathroom and apparently Minnie and the guy went outside. Later we found her and she came back in with us but then it was midnight... and the guy showed up again and took her away. Then some dude started dancing with my ex. I got upset and decided I would leave. My ex naturally assumed it was because of the guy dancing with her and I tried to let her believe that but inside I knew that I only ever get upset... I only hate bars... because Minnie leaves me. I realize now that I don't get upset when my other friends dance with guys. Or even when my ex dances with guys. I only get upset because Minnie leaves me. Because she talks to other people. Because I can't hold her attention.

I know Minnie loves me but I don't know how to make her understand the feelings I have. Because they are just strong encompassing feelings of friendship. Like a feeling or an attachment from another lifetime. In this life we are friends. Maybe in a past life we were lovers.

But the dilemma is... have I really always felt this way? Or have I been sort of talked into this feeling. I don't think I'm "in love" with her but I sure wonder about it a lot. It would explain the jealousy. I can only hope that I'm not because there would be no where to put that love.

I left soon after midnight - pissed because Minnie was "busy" with the guy and just wanting to leave without saying anything. My ex got mad at me for making her feel like she should be upset about me leaving.... I just wanted to leave to be with my encompassing weirdness.

I wanted Minnie to say something tomorrow about "Why did you leave? I wish you had stayed." But for too long I've made known my hatred of bars so no one even bothers to question when I go. In fact, that's probably one of the reasons I further lost touch with Minnie - because I wouldn't go to bars and my other friends would.

Minnie's been afraid to tell me things because she thinks I would disapprove. And I would disapprove. But not because I judge or just generally disapprove - but because I love her and worry about her. If someone else did something dumb - I would just judge. With her I get upset, worried, jealous.

I'm saying the same thing over and over again. Basically - it's New Year's Day and I rung in 2006 by being jealous about a friend again and I just don't know if its me being lonely and needing the attention of my friends... or because I'm experiencing unrequited love and I just haven't figured it out yet.

Kinda Ha Ha

2005-11-24T03:41:00.000-08:00

I just had to post this because I found it amusing.

SoYeahUm has now hung out with HmmHmmWow's friends a couple of times (going to the lesbian clubs) and one of them told her (SoYeahUm) jokingly that HmmHmmWow meets all her friends by dating them.

We both got a good giggle out of that since I met HmmHmmWow on a date! :)

SoYeahUm and I have decided we're good sexual confidants. By this I mean that she's telling me about some of her Craigslist ads and I've told her about some of mine. (Though I haven't posted any since my date with HmmHmmWow.) No one else in my life have I told about these ads! (And y'all readin' this don't count.)

And even funnier - SoYeahUm posted a new ad for women and one of three responses she got was from HmmHmmWow!! I've been sworn to secrecy. I'm now trying to see if I can convince SoYeahUm to date HmmHmmWow... cuz that would entertain me. But she won't go for it because "HmmHmmWow is too clingy!"

In other news, HotttGirl's husband left for boot camp and she's bitched to me about his "bastardness" a couple of times. She posted a new comment under a new MySpace picture saying, "You are so cute!!! It's not fair!!!!" But then she went and posted two new blogs about how much she misses her bastard husband. SoYeahUm is now telling me to just go down to her town and make out with her and get it over with. It really would be nicer (or that much more dangerous) if she lived 2 hours closer.

And in OTHER other news.... NowEx came over yesterday after playing pool with a mutual friend. She'd had a couple of drinks so she was in a "mood" and asked if it was OK to kiss me. Eh. I let her have some kisses because it was nice and comfortable. Nothing of the "french" variety. She spent the night and cuddled. (Sounds interesting but it's not all that... she just was too tired to drive home. She fell asleep right away and woke up somewhere around 5am to leave in time to get to work.)

For the first time I showed her a picture of HotttGirl's baby daughters (because they're so cute and NowEx loves babies). It was her first time hearing about HotttGirl period. I just referred to her as a friend. I implied nothing. (What really is there to imply?)

Fool me twice - shame on me.

2005-11-14T03:00:00.000-08:00

Spending time with my NowEx always ends bad. We're still best friends (so we say... or so I say) and we can still have a great time hanging out with each other. However, it always seems to end in her crying. Each time I think, "This time will be different!" And each time she cries at the end of the day. Then I say to myself, "OK... we can't be friends. It's just that simple." And then I forget and we hang out again because she's fun... and then she cries.

She cries because she misses me. She cries because I don't seem to miss her. She cries because she's on her own. Etc. Etc.

This week she was pissed because one of those e-mail surveys went around (i.e., What's your favorite color? Soda? Movie? When's the last time you cried? Etc.) and for the crying question I wrote that the last time I'd cried was a month ago. I thought I was actually being generous because the month ago cry was maybe a moment of a few tears. The last REALLY GOOD CRY was back in July.

NowEx got mad when she read that (and didn't tell me until today) because I hadn't cried more in the last month.

I mean - you'd think I should. The relationship that we'd ended had lasted for almost six years (if not more) and our split really sort of is like a divorce. But I've got no tears. I mean - that's really telling. That I was able to shut off those emotions so quickly (and I mean I shut off the "love") means that it wasn't really real for me the whole time.

I can tell you, honestly, that I never fell in love with my NowEx. She was my rebound after my first love in high school. We broke up (I broke up with her) when I was in college. And after college we just sorta fell into a relationship again primarily because we couldn't be "just friends" because there was too much sexual tension.

I was her first love, however. So there's always been a lot of pressure on me (at least in my mind) to love her and stay with her because I worried that she'd fall apart without me. (For more than just the "first love" reason but that was one of them.)

In April she broke up with me. I was upset. She took some time to think about it and came back with an offer to rekindle and I said, "No!" I wanted to actually do a full break up (I'd had a tendency to break up with her almost once a year and then work it out) and really test the waters without her. So we started sleeping apart (that didn't work because I hated sleeping in the new place and felt the big bed was as much mine... and we liked snuggling too much), packed up all of our things, ended our lease and moved out.

My breakup with her has been like a huge weight off of my shoulders. I keep saying its a "separation" and everybody assumes we're getting back together eventually but this is all because I'm too fucking nice. I love her - she's my best friend - I want to keep her around and never ever do I want to hurt her ... but after all this time I still end evenings with her crying because I'm not affected enough by the breakup.

If I had the balls I'd just say, "Goddamnit! I'm too young to settle and live the rest of my life without romance or sex!"

Because it had come to that.... she was too self-consious about her performance and her own body - sex was never enjoyable.

Sure back in high school it was great - this was for two reasons. 1) I was a giver because I hadn't learned how to enjoy sex yet, really. 2) She really seemed to enjoy what I gave - and in turn that turned me on.

She admitted, a year or more into the second relationship, that all those orgasms in relationship 1 - she'd faked. What the hell? Actually there were a lot of things in relationship 1 that she'd lied about or faked.... to the point where I can say that relationship 1 (which was only about 4 months long) was completely based on fiction. (Not to mention, it was a rebound for me and I was still madly in love with my first love.)

A year or so into Relationship 2 I brought the issue up - she agreed to work on it with me. We went to a "toy" store and bought some videos, a costume, some machinery, etc. Well the machinery was great and a "sex day" we'd scheduled went off well... but we couldn't keep it up. I got to the point that when we did have sex I had to close my eyes so I could imagine someone else.

Maybe this is normal. Maybe this is just what they call the "lesbian bed death." I don't know but I really did feel that I was far too young to say, "OK that's it! I'll never have sex again."

But it wasn't just sex - it was romance. I never really felt romantic with NowEx the way I had with FirstLove. Maybe that's normal - I don't know. And maybe I did and I just can't remember now.

Tonight NowEx called (after our day together) and explained some of the many reasons why she was upset with me and I said, "You know, maybe the reason I'm not so upset is because I don't feel like I've lost anything. We're still friends. We still have fun. And that's all that I felt was there in the relationship anyway - we'd just become best friends." She got upset and hung up after that.

Already she's stated that doesn't want me back.... but for stating that she sure does spend a lot of time trying to figure out why I'm not upset and what needs to be done to fix us and about potential futures for us.

I think I still lead her on though, simply by just being nice.

So now I'm venting here... this is a usual vent that's in my head when she gets all moody and expects me to be sad. I did my sad. But I always had one foot out the door... she accused me of just being in the relationship because it was convenient and of just waiting around for something better to come along. I always thought, "Fuck, she's reading my mind!" but always said, "Oh nononono... that's not how I feel at all."

If I wasn't such a pussy I wouldn't have wasted this much of our time.

Holiday

2005-11-08T14:17:00.000-08:00

I went on a vacation last week! I spent some time on the east coast with friends there and I declared (to another MySpace buddy) before I left that if HotttGirl did not leave me a message, post a comment or send an e-mail about how she missed me by the time I came back - then I would officially give up on her. (And I thought about her every damn day I was gone... I managed to avoid MySpace... but talked about her and showed one of my friends a picture of her. He declared, "Damn! I wouldn't usually advocate being a homewrecker but damn! She's hot! Go for it!" Which strangely seems to be the consensus... at least of the people I'm paying attention to.) :)

When I returned there were two such "I miss you" messages from her. Damn!

The other day there was some silly bulletin post about "repost this if you like someone and want to straight up chill, nap, cuddle, spend time with, make out with, etc. with them." I thought, "What the hell?!" and posted it with the subject line (as suggested by the bulletin) "I like her." HotttGirl responded right away (I was half hoping she'd see it and half hoping she'd miss it) and said, "Awww! Was that for NowEx?" I thought for a moment that I should ignore the note or lie but I chose instead to respond sort of kiddingly so she wouldn't necessarily know that I have this huge crush on her. I answered, "No, it was for you NumbNuts! Because I wanted to straight up chill with you!" Followed by a smiley emoticon of course.

She responded, "Just chill? Grumble Grumble"

Then she reposted that same bulletin and gave it the subject "I Love RefriedLesBean" and added the note to the top on the inside of the post, "I hope it's OK if I want to do more than chill with you."

Now for those of you not familiar with MySpace - a "bulletin" gets posted in a place where EVERYBODY on your friends list can see the message. It's like sending an e-mail to all of your contacts at once.

I gave in a little and sent a note to her after that telling her that sometimes she makes me all "wobbly."

She giveth and then she taketh away. There's this silly new little clique-ish sort of thing on MySpace now. Previously your friends list just showed the first 8 people in your list (8 random friends) but now you can pick which 8 friends show. As a result there is all this silly drama about who gets picked as your #1 friend and etc. I was HotttGirl's #1 friend but then she created a MySpace profile for her husband and made him her #1. I took that as a sign. (She was actually my #4, with SoUmmYeah ahead of her, but I swapped them today because SoUmmYeah said I should. Actually she said, "Oh my God! Just put her ahead of me already! Gawd!" So I did.)

The following day HotttGirl posted a blog entry about how she's been nervous, anxious and having nightmares because her husband was going to be signing/turning in his final papers to enlist in the Army. And how she's terrified of being alone. And how is she going to raise her babies herself. Etc. Etc.

Red flags and sirens again. OK maybe she just likes me because she's hoping I'll fill some sort of void and make her less lonely.

Really there are an abundance of red flags and I still seem to be ignoring them. I'll never be able to say that I didn't know what I was getting into (if I get into anything).

Meanwhile - she still took some shared pictures of me from my vacation and saved them to her computer and changed her MSN Messenger name to "I love RefriedLesbean" again. I've gotta say - the girl's got balls. I'd never be bold enough to do that.

In other news - I came back to find that SoUmmYeah had gone to a particular lesbian bar, that I'd been stressing about going to because HmmHmmWow keeps asking me to go, without me. Which is fine except that I'd asked her to come with me as friend protection but now it won't be new to her. Then as she told me about the experience I realized that she hadn't gone alone. I got a little excited, thinking she'd gone with a date, and asked who she went with. Then she told me that she'd gone with HmmHmmWow. The conversation got a little weird after that. I think she was worried that I'd be upset about her seeing HmmHmmWow behind my back but really I was just in a "dang - she's stealing my friends" moment. She's also apparently been e-mailing with Glee and inviting HmmHmmWow to other things. Actually that's totally fine with me - but I can tell SoUmmYeah thinks that there might be something between me and HmmHmmWow and that she might be in a strange relationship zone. Which there isn't anything between us... at least not on my end. However every once in a while HmmmHmmmWow will e-mail me to tell me that she's been on a few dates but hasn't had sex. I'm not sure why I'm on her sex update list.

And back at the ranch - I seem to be getting a lot of invites (are they asking me out??) from a variety of MySpace girls. Some cute - some not so cute. All bold enough to invite me out. I haven't managed to be available for one yet maybe soon. Some of them are really cute.

Thursday I have an appointment with a psychic who is supposed to be excellent. I hear she helps the Los Angeles Police Department with cases. I'll probably ask her about the usual - career and romance. I predict that she'll see something in my future about HotttGirl and a broken heart.

Cont'd

2005-10-23T14:17:00.000-07:00

Oh yeah - I forgot to mention - Friday I IMed with her and she'd asked me to give her a "slideshow" - showing her pictures (via the "display picture") of me that she hadn't seen before. (The funny thing is that when you change the picture, everyone on the messaging service can see and SoUmYeah was online chatting with me also... and thought I was doing the slideshow for her. I didn't have the heart to tell her otherwise.)

So I showed her a bunch of different pictures of me... some decent... some that I would consider bad. And at the end I asked her if she thought my pictures looked like me. Basically I was asking if the "good" pictures were misleading or what... and she told me that I was much cuter in person. That the pictures didn't do me justice.

And so I revealed that I thought she was hotter in person. And she said, "awww" and then NOTHING ELSE.

Like - she just disappeared off the IM program... and continued to do that for the rest of the night - came back and said one thing and then disappeared again. I felt like I was left hanging! Yeah, gonna try not to do that again.

Yeah I dunno

2005-10-23T14:16:00.000-07:00

It's a good thing that the HotttGirl lives far from me... I mean like the occasional "dropping by" aspect of a relationship or a "let's just get coffee" scenario are not likely. Which is a plus because who knows how I would react.

I went out with HotttGirl last Saturday. Sunday I could think about nothing but her. Monday... all her. Tuesday... all her. It was disrupting sleep. It was sick. I was haunting MySpace waiting for messages... waiting for IM's.... something! I just wanted to know if she'd enjoyed Saturday. Did I disapoint her? Did she still like me? Would she still flirt with me online? What was going on?!?!? By Wednesday I was almost angry... not angry at her per se, but angry that she had disrupted my being. By Thursday I thought I was getting over it... or at least enough of my sanity was returning.

She had been sending notes all this time - they just weren't as flirty as they had been. Or they were just answers to questions or references to conversations we'd had. They weren't long. They weren't ... promising. They just were.

But then Thursday, when sanity was returning, she sent a note that said, "If I had met you before my husband... hmmmmm.... sorry that was random." WHAT THE FUCK??? I was all at once thrilled... and broken. But it was Thursday... and sanity was returning. Had it been Wednesday, I would have thrown something. Tuesday, Monday or Sunday... I don't know what would have become of me. But with some sanity came my usual standard "insecure and pretending to be funny because I'm playing dumb" humor and I just wrote back, "Well, there's always that bitter divorce to look forward to!" And I was happy. She wrote back, "I'll cross my fingers." I wrote back, "I'll cross my eyes and toes and whatever else I can. WHATEVER unavailable married lady! I'll just move on to some other women in the meantime." I was kidding, yet not. Serious, yet just joking. But I did feel better.

And then I signed on to the IM client we both use and she immediately started talking to me. (Sometimes she doesn't see me.. or isn't really there... but this time she did and was and WANTED to talk to me.) She seemed excited to see me online. She began talking about how she was stalking me and reading the profiles of my online friends. She changed her Display picture to pictures of me. I was getting high off of her attention again. She made suggestions like if we went to the mall with some other friend that he could just leave us 'laying on the floor in the center of the mall.' She again repeated that she sorta wished she'd met me before her husband. She asked me to come visit when her husband left for the army (I said I would if she promised not to pull any of her hijinks!) and even suggested that I should live with her when he leaves so she wouldn't have to be alone (I didn't respond to that one). And then she began sending me more naked pictures again. (Actually, all in all I think there are about 5. And none of them are really X-rated ... they're all just tasteful nudes with no gritty close-ups.)

So she got me... all over again! But still - if I don't see her, the better. And I've never really talked to her on the phone except for when we were planning our last Saturday meet up.

Today I IMed with her and she revealed that she'd just gotten her period. Which makes me think that she was in a weird emotional place on Thursday - leading her to be extra needy. And the IM conversations... they're so .... awkward. I mean, in person she seems intelligent and normal. And online she seems 15 ... doesn't talk about anything really intelligent... talks in "text speech" ... writing things like "Sw33t" instead of "sweet" and hasn't heard of things that I think are pretty much in the news. I just can't tell if she's smart or not. And I value intelligence... or at least I think I do. I mean, apart from ALL of the other baggage and drama... would I ever respect her?

And still she's constantly in my head...

It's getting Hottt in here!

2005-10-20T07:13:00.000-07:00

And now the tale of the HotttGirl!

I'd mentioned her in a previous post but as I thought her story began and ended - I didn't even feel the proper need to give her a psuedonym. But as she's resurfaced - I will officially be naming her the "HotttGirl."

HotttGirl and I began corresponding on MySpace about five months ago. And I use the term "corresponding" loosely. In retrospect I'm not even sure where she came from. I think she added me. I think she began commenting on my blogs and on my page. In politeness, I commented on hers in return. Common interests were reflected in each other's profiles but not as many as my other "friends" on the site. She was pregnant when we "met" and already had one daughter who was almost a year old.

And as you may have guessed from her title - she was quite attractive. Attractive in the "way out of my league" type of attractive. Not to mention - MARRIED, a MOTHER and WITH CHILD. I assumed she was straight. My comments about her attractiveness were not flirtatious - they were meant more in a comforting/soothing sort of way since she'd posted worries about her husband going to a strip club and finding other women pretty. Generally, I believed she was feeling a little self-conscious due to her pregnancy and I was being nice.

She had her baby. We continued to correspond (not big long notes - just comments on each other's pages and blogs). Maybe 2-3 months into our "friendship" she revealed that she was bi. And not bi-curious, she'd actually had a 3 year relationship with a woman. I was actually shocked. Prior to this I hadn't even thought of her in that way - I was more feeling flattered that such a HotttGirl would even talk to me. (I don't have a lot of self-confidence myself.) But now things had changed! (And it's important to note - I've always been more attracted to bi-girls.)

She began telling me about how she missed breasts and about how boys' bodyparts were scary. She started giving me pet names and leaving "you're so cute" comments on my pictures and my page. SoUmYeah began referring to her as my "MySpace Girlfriend" (and made fun of her a little.. I'm guessing she was jealous) and I was a little giddy about the attention. Once I posted a picture of myself as a kid up on the site and she took it, photomanipulated it in Photoshop and made it the background picture on her page. She left it there for at least a couple of weeks - meanwhile I was letting all my other MySpace pals know that I had a Hottt stalker. :) Again - very flattered! But then she was a mom with two babies and she could have just liked the picture because it was a toddler picture. I didn't know. As I did mention in a previous post, we IM chatted and I came to the conclusion that she was very much in love with her husband and just liked me as sort of a little pet.

So she was confusing. I still liked the attention. I thought it ended there.

She invited me to her birthday party - I couldn't go. (Mainly it was because she lives about 2 hours from me and ... well I'm just shy.)

Then about two weeks ago she sent me a picture of herself topless. I was dumbfounded. I didn't know what to do with that. I mean, what does that mean??? She's 25 now - the picture was from when she was 18. She talked a little about how she wished she could look like that again. I answered that I'm sure that the "now" was better being that she "now" had a little more meat on her and I liked more meat. She told me she liked more meat as well... and I'm definitely a "more meat" girl. I didn't know if that was a hint or just an agreement.

Then I was online one day (I rarely IM ... I prefer more time to think about what I say) and we began chatting. [On a sidenote: I noticed that on the IM client she had changed her "headline" to "I love (my cute nickname)" ... (i.e. if my screenname had been "Sara Conner"... it would have read "I love Sara Connerbutt.") And it had obviously been that way since the last time we IMed... which was probably a month prior. Which means that EVERYONE she IMed in that time would have seen that headline.] I tried to avoid the subject of the topless photo but the conversation veered towards relationship topics. She revealed that she had had a 4 year relationship with a boyfriend DURING WHICH she also maintained the 3 year relationship with the girlfriend. (The boy had initially encouraged the hook-up with the girl, thinking of threesomes like boys do.) The girl was her best friend who'd had a crush on her and she loved her too. She loved them both. She kept both. And they hated each other. To give HotttGirl bravery credit - she was actually out as bi and had a lot of people not like her for her inability to choose and settle for one or the other. Eventually the boy left her for another girl and she was heartbroken by it and dumped her girl. Then she went through a small series of bad relationships before meeting her future husband and having her two children. (She sent me a link to the only existing picture of her ex-girlfriend on the Internet - which was of her back - and she was/is a larger, butchy girl. I'm not all that butchy, in my own opinion, but it could have been my back!)

And after telling me this tale she asked me how I was with kids. At this point you should insert the sound of screeching brakes into the story. WHAAATTT DOES THAT MEAN? I mean, it could have been just a curious question that she asked while staring at a kiddo... but after all that.... I read, "I miss having two relationships at once. I need a new girl in my life. Do you want to be a mom?"

I told her, truthfully, that I was fine with kids but it was Moms that I was terrified of. True.. but it sounds funnier in the situation.

I began talking about how I was due to meet two friends' babies in the next month, I was a little worried about it, etc. etc. blah, blah, blah, while I was mid-sentence she changed her "display picture" to yet another picture of her topless. I completely lost my train of thought. A bolder lesbian would have veered the conversation to hardcore cybersex by that point - but I'm not a bolder lesbian. I'm a "humena humena omigod I don't know how to handle that so I'll change the subject" lesbian. Which I did. She enjoyed my lost train of thought. I was now cycling the phrases, "Holy shit! Oh my God! Oh my holy shit!" in my head.

Then she asked me out. She said she'd come to me or we could meet in the middle and she'd bring a baby for me to "practice" on (since I was gonna meet new babies within the month). I freaked a little. I called her "dangerous" but she promised she wasn't. I agreed to meet. We said good night until later. (In retrospect I'm wondering if my "no" to her birthday party and my lack of regular IMing came across as "hard to get" and inspired her to pursue me more.)

I proceeded to rightly freak out! I asked some buddies for their thoughts and the consensus was that she was definitely hitting on me. I later began telling the tale to HmmHmmWow and at the very beginning when I mentioned that she'd sent me a note telling me she'd missed women's bodies - HmmHmmWow said, "Sara, That's an offer!" (And I never even got to the topless photo part!)

The next day HotttGirl posted a blog about how she and her husband were making arrangements for him to enter the army. Again I freaked - was she now turning up the heat on me because she was worried about her husband leaving, worried about being alone, worried about support for her children? Or maybe she was thinking, with him gone it would be opportune time for an affair.

But maybe, I thought, I worry too much. And she really just likes me as a friend. After all - she likes 'em butch... and I don't think I come off as butch. Maybe she just wants to TALK about other girls with me.

And then we met... and I was kinda hoping that she'd either look nothing like her hottt photos or be a psycho in person... or both. But, much to my chagrin, she was hotter, nice and normal. (I only hope that I didn't come off as the psycho.) Some of our day's conversations were normal. But occasionally she'd throw in info like, "I couldn't breastfeed because I have really sensitive nipples. But breastmilk is so much sweeter than formula. My husband really liked the taste." And then she'd confuse me again... I mean, did she want me to *think* about her sensitive nipples??? Regardless... I was starting to get really jealous of Mr. HotttGirl. She sent mixed messages like, "I think my husand's gay and he calls me a fag," followed by "but when we get it on I don't like to do it in front of the kids," to "sex with women is so much nicer," to "if we don't get deployed and moved as a family I think I'll move in with my parents." This is a young marriage... but not a troubled marriage. And she's obviously in love with him. It would be so much easier if he was gay. But the mention of how often he wants to "get it on" rules that out.

I spent the day dumbfounded. And came home obsessed. Our "date" (and I never did know whether to call it that or not... but she later referred to it as a " ;) date" in an e-mail) was on Saturday and I have NOT been able to get her out of my head. I've tried not to obsessively send her notes and e-mails... but I know I've sent too many already. And it's killing me that the notes she sends back aren't immediate... and aren't long. Essentially I'm really torn up over the matter. Intelligently I know "this is a bad scene to get mixed up in." Emotionally I think "am I even being invited to get mixed up in this?" And other than that... I've been having trouble sleeping because she's haunting my dreams. I've taken to writing long update posts on the blog just to give myself something other than her to think about. This girl could break my heart in a millisecond. She's already got me in her palm. And if she just wants a friend... she's gonna inspire months of bad poetry.

And so that's where things currently lay with her. My current thinking is from a song called "Advice" - "If you want that girl, you've got to leave her." So I'm doing my best to avoid MySpace, IMs and e-mails. So far it's been like 12 hours... including my full night of insomnia.

SoUmNo

2005-10-19T01:34:00.000-07:00

I finally decided to end the "does she like me or not" drama with SoUmYeah. She e-mailed me, one last time, "we'll make out at your place." Or something like that. I e-mailed back, "Dude!! You have crossed into my 'friends' list and I just can't think of you that way!!" She responded, "Oh, I know. I was just teasing!"

Which made my heart soar.... until I told my straight friends.

And they said, "Oh that's totally what we say when a guy says that. It's not true. It's just to save face."

So damnit! But at least she now knows that she has no chance with me!

And then it got incestuous!

2005-10-19T00:38:00.000-07:00

With the exception of my ex-girlfriend - all my friends are straight. So building a list of gay friends began on the Internet. Specifically, it began on Craigslist and MySpace.

I had found and added a few girls in the L.A. area to my friends list on MS. And then I answered a few ads on CL... which led to the profiles of more girls on MySpace. Some conversations ended there. Some continued.

Well the first girl I "hit it off" with and met in person for a date (my first date ever) was SoUmYeah - I met her on CL. We became, if you've read the previous entries, friends only. (Friends only in my book... I've never quite managed to figure out if she was hoping for more.)

SoUmYeah continued her adventures on CL and so did I.

I met HmmHmmWow on CL.

SoUmYeah met HikerLady - by responding to an add for a hiking buddy.

HmmHmmWow ALSO met HikerLady on CL.

SoUmYeah went on a hike with HikerLady and developed a crush on her... but couldn't quite determine whether or not she was into women. (She eventually determined that she was.)

HmmHmmWow met HikerLady... probably figured out that she was gay off the bat... hung out with her (went on dates???) but never hiked.

So ANYWAY - one night HmmHmmWow asked me to go out with her and her friends to a bar to check out a couple of singers. I was busy so I declined. HikerLady asked SoUmYeah to a bar to check out a couple of singers with her and some friends.

And thus HmmHmmWow and SoUmYeah MET each other.

I found out when SoUmYeah e-mailed me to tell me about the fun night she'd had at the mini-concert and there she'd met a girl named Glee... and wondered if it was possibly the same Glee that I'd recently mentioned. I was like "OMG You went to the same mini-concert I was supposed to go to!" And then she realized that she'd also just met the girl I was dating instead of her. And the girl I wanted to date instead of the girl I was dating. (Ya follow?) I freaked a LITTLE because I thought SoUmYeah would find HmmHmmWow odd. She claimed not to. (HmmHmmWow later wanted to know if SoUmYeah and I had had the "did you think she was cute?" conversation. We didn't. Rather, I asked SoUmYeah if HmmHmmWow was touchy with everybody... or if it was just me.)

I mean - CL and L.A. turn out to be a SMALL WORLD. Not to mention that HmmHmmWow was friends with/knew many of the L.A. girls on my MySpace profiles.

(Apparently the clubs and bars are out and MySpace is the new primary place to meet chicks.)

Later they all AGAIN met at another bar concert - again unplanned. But now SoUmYeah has added Glee and HmmHmmWow to her friends list on MySpace. And I have yet to go to a mini-concert with this new girl gang we seem to be forming.

More About The End

2005-10-19T00:14:00.000-07:00

So somewhere in Date 4 or 5.... I can't remember which... HmmmHmmmWow asked me who, of her friends, I found the most attractive. I said, probably too quickly, the name of the friend I liked. (We'll call her "Glee" until a better name comes to me.) She said, "Hmmm...Hmmm...Wow. I didn't think people found Glee attractive." And I was like, "well they do."

So here's how it went down... before going out to meet HmmmHmmmWow's friends, I looked over her MySpace profile because I saw that some of the mentioned friends were on there. I read over several of the profile's and then found Glee's. Glee came off as intelligent, looked just like the type of girl I like, and had some common, namely literary, interests. I thought, "Damn. I like this girl!" So I sent her a message about something on her page. When I met her in person she answered my message but came off as a little scary... a little domineering... but damn she was just my type physically! The rest of the night was really ruined for HmmHmmWow because I now wanted Glee. (But Glee was scary... a little intimidating.)

But after I told HmmHmmWow, too quickly, that I found Glee attractive and after I told her that I didn't want to go out anymore ... I think her mind started plotting a way for Glee and I to hook up. Since she likes to act as protector and "mother" to her friends... of which I now was... instead of "potential wife."

But I digress.

What I really wanted to write about, since I promised myself I would - was a little more detail about the physical aspect of dating HmmHmmWow. Y'see... despite the fact that I didn't end up caring much for her personality (other than in a friends sort of way) I did find myself leering at her... staring at her breasts... checking out her ass... etc. Which is not really something that I'd experienced before. Maybe it was all the touching she was enforcing on me.. maybe that was her seduction method. But I really wanted to make out with her (if kissing could somehow be avoided) and possibly/probably more.

It was Date 3 when she sat on my bed, uninvited, and began to really talk about her sexual history. Of which there was a lot ... threesomes, BDSM parties, casual sex, sex with men, etc. This was not really a turn on... but then she convinced me to cuddle in the bed with her. And cuddling led her to climbing on top of me, running her fingers through my hair, holding me down while nibbling on my ears. She began talking about her strap-on and how she liked to be fucked with it. And how my submissiveness in this situation was really turning her on and making her want to fuck me with it - which is something she'd never done. (Now don't get me wrong - I wasn't exactly innocent in the situation - but I wasn't DOING anything - I was just letting her take control. I guess you can say I am or was being "the bottom.") She got herself into a strap-on fucking position and dry-humped me a little ... then lifted my legs up above her shoulders for a little more of a "this is what fucking you with a strap-on would look like" demonstration. I was turned on. She was turned on. I let her caress the skin on my stomach. I let her look to see what my bra looked like... but since it was my insecurity and innocence and inability to make a move myself that turned her on - she stopped at that. She didn't want to defile me JUST YET. The innocence aspect would work again and undoubtedly she went home and masturbated... like I did.

But the day after dates with HmmHmmWow I always thought, "I don't know if I like her. Well, I definitely don't want to settle." And we talked about that a lot. She would talk about this girl she sorta liked that started dating someone else. And she'd tell me that I was definitely in the "play" period of my life. I mean we'd talk about everyone else but the two of us.. we talked like conspiring friends. And then she'd pet me. It was all very confusing. And I just decided that friends we could maybe be... but lovers I didn't want to be.

The End of HmmHmmWow (?)

2005-10-16T16:08:00.000-07:00

Lots to tell! So little interest... (or maybe there is).

Let's start with HmmmHmmmWow (and I'll break it into several posts so it doesn't get overwhelming).

We went on 5 Dates.

- Date 1 - Recap - We had dinner and saw a movie. Then we went back to her place where we talked (I talked a LOT) and she handpetted me.
- Date 2 - Recap - She made me dinner at her place then we went to WeHo bars to meet her friends. I talked a lot but shut up in the bar and was quiet around her friends. The transition was a little awkward but she accepted it. The problem - I found one of her friends WAYY attractive (one of my previous "worries") and then found it hard to think about HmmHmmWow.
- Date 3 - She came to my place. I made her dinner. Things got a little "interesting" when she turned the conversation towards sex. I played innocent and virginous and the most that happened was she sorta "hard cuddled" me and made out with my ears a little. We both got heated up and turned on... but I wouldn't let it go farther. And she was turned on by my innocence.
- Date 4 - I asked her to a dance as my date (where I warned her we wouldn't dance). I was thinking "tonight may be the night I allow a kiss and maybe make out with her." (Yes, I'm a prude.) After the dance I got a little nervous and decided we should see a movie instead of going straight back to one of our places. While we waited for the time, we browsed around a book store where she allowed me to wander off and looked at her own interests. This earned her points in her favor... until she found me and gave me a hug in the middle of the store because she needed that human affection. I'm not so into PDA and I don't really have AFFECTION for her so ... points against her. Then we watched the movie... which proved to be too much tension for her. She held on to me tightly and squirmed. Points against her. We went to her place afterwards and I made a point to sit on the couch (instead of the bed). She joined me - then laid out - then attempted to have me lay next to her... while I nervously steered all conversation AWAY from doing stuff. The points against her had really bugged me... to the point of grossing me out. I just wanted to leave and I finally escaped with nothing happening.
- Date 5 - Somewhere between Date 4 and 5 I had begun hanging out with NowEx a little more frequently. Things became a little confusing. I decided that we may be close to a reconciliation. With that in mind and the weird stuff from Date 4 - I decided that all I wanted from HmmHmmWow was a physical thing... and she obviously wanted a relationship.... and I was worried about doing something I would regret (should I get back together with NowEx). I decided it was time to cut off the relationship before anything further happened. So I took her to dinner... talked to her about how things were going with NowEx (this was somewhat normal because all of our talking relationship revolved around discussions about OTHER girls), and ended with the conclusion that I didn't want to see her anymore. I thought she'd take it better than she did - but she did still insist on "one last cuddle" during which she expressed her "upset" by pulling my hair, pinching me and slapping my hands. I let her... because I felt guilty. Was my point made - I'm not sure. She seemed to still have it in her head that she was my "maybe girl." But when she left - I was ecstatic. No more HmmmHmmmWow!

But the lingering problem.... I still found her friend waayyy attractive and SO my type.

E-Mail Repulsion and Other Inner Monologues

2005-09-14T15:06:00.000-07:00

After Friday's date with HmmHmmWow I entered a phase of "Wow...What do I do now?" I guess I liked her. I could definitely see myself "making out" with her. Would it mean anything? Am I interested enough to date her? And how would that affect SoYeahUm? Do I tell her that I went on a date? I want to simply because it might give her the "back off a little" hint but I don't want to hurt her feelings. And if I make out with/fondle/kiss/etc. HmmHmmWow ... then what do I tell SoYeahUm? DO I tell SoYeahUm? I wouldn't want to offend her by suggesting that I would do stuff with HmmHmmWow but not her. But then that's the potential truth! And here I am stuck.

And I proceeded to tell a number of friends about the "hand petting" aspect of the date and not one person thought this was normal or a "lesbian thing to do" so I'm almost weirded out in retrospect.

The other thing, and I realize this is kind of stupid, is that I don't much care for HmmHmmWow's way of internet communication. SoYeahUm and I have a great e-mail conversation ability but HmmHmmWow's e-mails make me cringe a little. I don't know if its a new nervous thing with me or if there is some sort of inner repulsion thing going on that I should pay attention to.

SoYeahUm and I went to a group meeting on Sunday. The group is one that I'm a member of and invited SoYeahUm to - a group for lesbians. SoYeahUm defines herself as a bisexual but she came and shared and I might be getting a hint of her budding realization that she's just gay. But on the car ride there I told her that I'd been on a date. Actually I'd e-mailed it to her earlier with a little lie suggesting that I hadn't known it was going to be a date but it turned out to be. The car ride was just our first vocal discussion of it. Since I'd told her (via e-mail) I thought I'd spotted an ad from her on Craigslist seeking women. So she either took it well... or not well... or just realized that it was going nowhere with me other than friendship... or it wasn't a post from her (but I think it was). Our "vocal discussion" was a little awkward but not long and consisted of "so do you think you'll go out with her again?" And me saying, "Yeah I think so." After the group meeting we went out to dinner during which SoYeahUm threw out a lot of one-liner jabs at my behavior the night she got me drunk on wine. (OK she served wine... but I got myself drunk on it because I was freaked out that she wanted to make out with me.) AND APPARENTLY while she was walking me around the block to get me air she took my arm to steady me and I yelled "I DON'T KNOW YOU WELL ENOUGH!!" (I actually don't remember this.) Apparently this pissed her off (I didn't know it at the time) and she responded with coldness because she was thinking "Fuck you! Like I'm going to throw you against the wall and molest you?!" OK so maybe it pissed her off but maybe it also got my drunken message across (and it makes me giggle a little).

(If I updated daily maybe these posts wouldn't be so long.)

I also had an online chat with the Hottt girl and came to the conclusion that it was definitely not going anywhere. She was very into her husband and I am, as I initially concluded, just her little internet pet lesbian.

HmmHmmWow and I are going out tonight. She's going to take me to some West Hollywood establishments and (I think) dinner at her place. What I WANTED to say in my e-mail was something along the lines of "let's just hang at your place and see how far that takes us" but the smarter Sara said "Well I'm on a budget so what can we do for cheap?" So I think she's planning dinner at her place and then she's commited to saying some hello's at various WeHo bars (but she assures me that weirdness will be taken into account and we can leave at any time). My concern is that I've never actually been to any West Hollywood gay/lesbian bars so this will be my first time. And so, in no particular order, these are the thoughts running through my mind:

- Do I look good enough to go to a lesbian bar?
- If I look good enough, will I be hit on?
- If I'm hit on, what do I do?
- Am I with HmmHmmWow?
- Does this mean that I can't accept advances?
- What if I'm way into one of HmmHmmWow's friends?
- What if I'm hit on by one of HmmHmmWow's friends?
- What will HmmHmmWow's friends think of me?
- Can I afford this?
- Is this a friendly outing or are there intentions?
- Are they my intentions or HmmHmmWow's intentions?
- If there are intentions... am I ready for anything physical?
- I mean I have some standards about kissing... are they still valid or do I just pick and choose who these standards apply to?
- If something happens... does it MEAN something?
- Should I tell HmmHmmWow that I'm not ready for a relationship and just want a friendship... like I told SoUmmYeah??
- What if HmmHmmWow's friend's like me FOR HmmHmmWow and try to push us into something faster than we're ready for?
- If I go to WeHo bars with HmmHmmWow... this is like breaking my WeHo bar cherry and I will no longer have that as a weird sort of selling point.. my gaybar virginity. Do I want to save that for someone special? Or just someone who is NOT special so I can hit on or be hit on? And so then.. is HmmHmmWow special or NOT special??

Maybe I just need to stop thinking.

Another aspect is that when I'm nervous and meeting new people for the first time... I act a little tougher/butcher than I am really. And I know that HmmHmmWow is into "soft butches"... so she might be into me now but what about later when I'm more me? And am I into her... other than just physically? I mean I can sorta see some interest there.... but there is a slightly frightening aspect to the way she talks.

Last night HmmHmmWow called me... out of the blue... just to chat. (Did I mention that I HATE talking on the phone!?!) Maybe to prep for tonight but I lost the call in the middle and don't know how it was supposed to end. HmmHmmWow was again particularly giggly when talking to me which via phone was REALLY awkward as I heard a lot of PhhhPhhhPhhhPhhh sounds throughout the call. At one point my eyes bugged out a little and I thought WHAT THE FUCK AM I GETTING MYSELF INTO? Is she just nervous? Or is she a psycho laugher?? Will she do this ALWAYS?? (Cuz its really kinda freaky.) And there were, of course, a lot of "Hmmm Hmmm Wow"s. I almost e-mailed SoYeahUm to ask "How do I get myself out of this??"

So now I'm even more confused... still going out with HmmHmmWow tonight.... and now worried about all the above on top of the "is she a little freaky?"

And I'm wondering... what are these girls saying about me?? Cuz I'm definitely a little freaky myself.

I have this theory that everybody has a bit of a "slutty" period in there life and I'm wondering, "Am I entering my slutty period?" And my other thought is that NowEx and I are still, technically, "separated" and we're "supposed to" be trying out other people... but not necessarily other relationships. So should I purposely be trying to get as much physical action as I can? I don't know! I don't think I'm the type of girl you have one night stands with... I think I'm the type that you fall in love with. I'm just too damn charming for my own good! ;)

SoYeahUmHmmHmmWow

2005-09-10T01:59:00.000-07:00

Things with "SoYeahUm" (as I will now refer to her) have been progressing. We've now been on several "outings" and I think I must give in to the idea that we are going on dates. We've seen several movies. I've been to her apartment several times. We've had a few short phone conversations. The awkwardness is still there, however, as I still don't feel a physical attraction to her. She continues to assert that we are just friends and will every now and then e-mail me or call me to tell me about some "hot girl" she saw at such and such a place BUT there's this pesky little thing she does now at almost the end of every outing. She e-mails me to say, "It was fun even if we didn't make out."

Which I would be inclined to take as a joke but now twice she has also tried to liquor me up while at her house. She's taken special care to ask what kind of alcohol I like and after learning that wine might make me more into "making out"... well then wine was what she served me after cooking a special meal for me.

She's also begun to suggest that she has some sort of feelings towards me. After a weekend trip she wrote me to tell me that she missed me. Things got a little awkward when I refused to say it back.

Meanwhile, there's a very pretty girl on one of my social networking sites that has taken to treating me like a little pet - giving me nicknames and telling me how cute I am and how she loves me on my comment pages. I love the attention and the girl is hotttt so I'm especially flattered but I don't know how to take it. Shall I respond with serious interest or continue to *think* that she's just enjoying me as a character? And, really, can I take it seriously? First of all - she's just sooo pretty and thus completely out of my league. Secondly, she's married and has two infant children. So obviously (though she's bi and tells me that she misses breasts incredibly) there's no serious interest, yes? But I'm still not sure how to react. So until she blatantly invites me over for a one night stand... I will continue to act like I know she's kidding. And SoYeahUm is showing signs of jealousy and talking about telling the internet girl off for paying me so much attention. How can I be like "Hey, SoYeahUm... back the fuck off! But will you still be my friend?"

And back on the ranch, NowEx and I saw each other a few times and the evenings were really sweet. I went as far as to tell some people that we were "dating" but then things turned a little sour. Yesterday we had a conversation about just not going out with each other anymore. We even decided that our friends should be notified that neither one of us really want to go out if the other will be there. And though it sounded bad... the conversation still ended well.

In a moment of frustration with SoYeahUm and after the "we won't see each other anymore for a while" conversation with NowEx, I decided to schedule a date with another CL girl. I'd sent her a note and then, after seeing her picture, kinda stopped writing her. With SoYeahUm sending me notes about missing me and making out... I got a little freaked and re-started the conversation with the new girl. She decided to ask me out for a Friday night date. I was a little surprised at the quick and suddeness but accepted it.

I didn't tell SoYeahUm or NowEx and I went out for dinner and a movie with the new girl (who I shall now call "HmmHmmWow"). I was kicking myself for the sudden date and vowing to simply not date anymore for the time being but it turned out well and she was much more attractive than her photo. HmmHmmWow was actually a bit shorter than me, a bit older and very giggly. (SoYeahUm was very giggly on our first date too... so I'm now wondering if I have that affect on girls.) Still with no proper knowledge of dating etiquette I followed her back to her apartment (we'd walked to our outings) and she invited me in. We ended up talking for hours at her kitchen table about relationships and whatnot. At about hour 2 of our conversation she asked if she could hold my hand. I found this COMPLETELY odd but she assured me that it was a lesbian thing to do so I accepted it. She was amazed with the fact that I've been pretty much in one solid lesbian relationship or another since 16 years old but had never really been to West Hollywood or its gay/lesbian establishments so I figured, with her WeHo experience, that she should be the one to introduce me to some of the L.A. lesbian culture. And apparently lesbian friendly connection begins with hand-holding. (Is this true???) So while we continued to talk she spent the time holding, petting and caressing my hand. I was really weirded out but attempted to not shake or produce palm-sweat during the entire encounter. At about 12:30 she took my other hand and spent time on both of my handly appendages. I was trapped, hands both being held, in her studio apartment staring at the big bed...

And nothing happened but we had an odd "do we kiss or cheek kiss or hug or handshake?" moment before she gave me a long lingering hug after she walked me to the car and I made the now standard weirded out odd comment "You were comfortable."

Date 1 with HmmHmmWow was much better than Date 1 with SoYeahUm on the whole. I found myself picturing our potential life together, we'd fit comfortable together, our views on sex are similar, I found her attractive, she was a petter, she gave good hug... and our garden would be excellent (she introduced me to her plants).

But now that I'm officially a "dater" I also find myself entering a weird sort of Seinfeld-like existence. When I describe the date to my friends I'll have to describe her as the "hand petter"... or maybe describe the slightly annoying (which when we fall in love will be the slightly precious until we hate each other and then it will become the REALLY annoying again) way she has of repeating "Hmm" three times or "Yeah" three times or ... you get the point.

So now I'm a date juggler I guess. And maybe I won't give up on dating just yet.

Movin'

2005-08-24T15:58:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking of moving this blog over to LiveJournal! For the time being it will exist in both places: http://www.livejournal.com/users/refriedlesbean/

Careful What You Wish For

2005-08-15T04:40:00.000-07:00

Feeling slightly "in the mood" I posted again on Craigslist. Knowing full well that no woman ever responds to a call to arms in the Women Seeking Women section - I posted a notice in the "Casual Encounters" section hoping for a few e-mails that might last me the night. MAYBE... if I was feeling frisky... I'd try an IM conversation.

Well responses were low and I wasn't entirely satisfied so I turned on the old messenger linked to my wonderful fake e-mail address that sorts through all my odd CL posts. I started receiving IMs from a guy who claimed to like boys and girls and who seemed like a generally friendly guy. After a few minutes of chatting we realized that we didn't live far from each other. He asked if I wanted to hang out at a safe mutual destination. I waffled for a good 30-40 minutes and then decided to be BOLD (against better judgement). I was awake. It was very early in the morning. We were both bored.

Though I'm horrible at social interaction and bad at conversation in general - he promised that he was a very social guy and would do all the talking.

Well sometimes better judgement should be listened to. Or I should at lease take into consideration WHAT I posted before accepting any invitations. I had posted my physical stats. I had posted that I "liked porn."

So I got to our meeting place (a dark parking lot near a 24 hour establishment... what the fuck was I thinking?) and met the guy. At first he seemed nice - a cute cuddly kind of guy. He gave me a hug and a sweet smile.

But then it turned south. Having no real "guy" friends in my life I was surprised when he started so off-handedly talking about "cock" and "I responded because of your D titties." I tried to play it off as if this was normal conversation. As if I had totally expected this type of conversation (after all... I had posted in the "casual encounters" section)! He asked to see my tattoo and offered to show me anything of his. I declined the offer but my tattoo is an a harmless location so I showed it to him. He touched it. I didn't freak out but felt that I should have. Later he was like, "You do have D titties! Can I touch them?" (He was already beginning an attempt at a squeeze.) To his benefit - he stopped when I said no. After about 15 minutes of awkward conversation (on my part... his conversations about porn and "do you eat a lot of pussy" and "are you shaved" were plentiful) I made to make my exit. And he said, "You don't want to watch me masturbate?" Umm no. "Ahhh... but I wanted to cum on you."

Thank God I'm smart enough to use a fake e-mail address.

I think it was his casual "NSA discreet hook-ups" approach to it all that really turned my stomach. Had it been one of the guys that I'm feeling out and have been feeling out for a couple of months via e-mail prior to our first meetings for "friend" potential... I don't know if the offer to witness self-gratification would have been so unwelcome.

In the meantime - I'll be a bit more careful about what I wish for.

(Though I have to admit... his saying that he would "tap that" in reference to me was a slight esteem builder.)

Huntin'

2005-08-09T00:26:00.000-07:00

Following up - I did go on Friendster and looked at the detail of my first love's profile. She looks so happy with her husband and her son... who looks just like her. I find that slightly eerie. I did end up sending her a note. She responded and her response reminded me how dangerous it is to talk to her. She just has such a casual way of hurting me without even realizing that she can. The feelings for me are still there and I still get so upset when thinking about all of the lovers she's had since me and the life she has now.

The particular Craigslist guy who I had the brief "making love" fantasy about... sent me a more recent picture and he's much older than originally portrayed. I'm a little grossed out now.

I have since been on several outings with the Craigslist girl who I decided not to "date." Second outing was OK if not a little awkward. We hugged at the end. We went out again last night - she didn't even offer to walk me to my car or hug me... which I found weird. Now I'm wondering if she's mad or relieved or just preoccupied. We have remained in constant contact via e-mail though. I've suggested that we have a face-to-face meal. (Our first was on a bench - side to side. Our second outing, a movie. Our third outing, another movie and ice cream. We did sit in a booth while eating our ice cream and I noticed that she couldn't hold eye contact with me. Is it me? Is it her?... I'm weirded out. Making new friends is weird.)

Last night she proposed the following pact - "Sara - let's promise that if we ever answer each other's Craigslist add - the other one of us will just not respond." This makes me wonder - has she already found one of my more risque proposals online? Now I sort of want to hunt for hers.

Entree

2005-08-02T02:13:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I sent her an e-mail asking if we could subtract the romance from the friendship. I cited my "recent breakup" and she told me that it was OK. We could just be friends. She said she'd tried to take it personally but just couldn't. (Thank goodness!)

But I'm still worried that she's attracted to me. Still worried that we'll go out, as friends, again and she'll develop more of an interest. That no matter what I feel or what she says... she'll fall for me anyway. Ego much Sara?

This morning I lay in bed and began to fantasize about making love to one of the "guy date" men. (I haven't met any of them in real life.) This one particular guy sparked that imagery - why, I don't know. But while I was envisioning nude cuddling I feel asleep and the guy became my first love in a post-coital spoon.

We dressed then and were "caught" by members of her household (no one I knew in real life) and as I left a girl whispered to the first love, "But she's so femme!"

This made me smile (as I'm not femme but pleased that new decisions to wear body-flattering clothing are adding a dash of "woman" to myself) and continued to bring a smile to my face for half the day.

In the afternoon I picked up my now-ex from the airport. The last time we'd seen each other I'd been happy to realize that her negativity annoyed me and that she looked a little worse for wear. Today, however, she was pleasant. I took her back to her parents' house (where she's staying) and she filled me in about more of her trip. I found myself looking at her ... wanting to grab a hold of her and just hug and hug and take in her scents ... wanting to kiss her and maybe more. This friendship will never work. How can it?

My friends have been telling me not to talk to her. Not to see her. To cut off all contact to bring it to it's proper end. But how can I do this? I know I don't want to be in that relationship. But the cuddling connection is soo hard to sever.

I left. I wanted a hug goodbye but knew it was going to be dangerous so I didn't even request one. I know I'm the type of girl that will string her along. Really the point of me not seeing her, in reality, is to set her free.

That night I went out with a friend who told me that my first love had sent her a note on Friendster. She showed it to me... the note included a photo which is new because her account had previously "existed" but without activity and without pictures.

Now I'm wondering if I should go on Friendster and send her a note. But that's a whole nutha novel! That woman - who still holds a portion of my soul - is now married and has a son. But I wish I could tear apart that relationship and posses her again. Yet, I know I don't really "like" her.

Drama. It's what's for dinner.

2005-07-31T02:53:00.000-07:00

And so it was a date after all!

We agreed that I would meet her at her place and then we would drive together to the event (not very far from her home).

I arrived and found her waiting on the sidewalk for me. Why? I'm not sure if I was late (I was well within the 30 minutes she gave me to arrive) or if she was just trying to be helpful so I wouldn't miss her place or ... something devious....

Regardless - she looked better in person than in her pictures but I can't say that I was attracted to her. In fact, my immediate thought was, "Oh good... I can still be single for a while!" And I didn't have to worry about those "making out" teases that she'd sent in e-mail form.

We entered her car and I found myself immediately able to talk to her. Usually, if somebody intimidates me in the slightest I clam up, my voice changes a slight octave... and I'm just generally not that interesting. But my voice was fine... the conversation kept coming.. and she kept giggling. I couldn't determine if she was a natural giggler or if it was some sort of nervous giggling.

We got to our event, parked, got our food and waited for doors to open. It was clear to me that this chick would make a great friend and I decided to play the evening as 'potential great friends' but every once in a while she would throw in something about my pretty eyes or "well I'm glad you didn't get that job out of state because then we wouldn't have met." I tried to continue to play it as 'potential great friends' but those little one liners would weird me out. I wonder if it was clear that I wasn't returning those lines.

During the show I started to get a stomach ache and thought to myself, "This is a great excuse for me to use if I need to." I didn't want the excuse to come up suddenly and seem like a fictional excuse so I occasionally put my hand on my stomach and made a face and hoped she'd notice.

We watched our show. We left the parking lot and continued our conversation.

I told her about my relationships (the 3 girls) and she did seem a bit shocked that I'd only been physically away from my now-ex for about 3 weeks. (Note to self: Good excuse for excusing myself from future interactions. The "It's just too soon!" excuse.) I asked her to tell me about her relationship history. This was a mistake, in retrospect, because it probably sounded like I was interested in her romantic history for my own romantic reasons... but I'm just nosey.

She told me that she'd never actually had a relationship with anyone - just dates and sex. I didn't really know how to respond to this... so there was some awkward silence. When we later got to her parking lot she said, "Do you think I'm a tramp?" I assured her that no, I didn't think she was a tramp. Had she asked me if I thought she was sad and lonely.... I'm not sure how I would have responded.

At the arrival to her parking lot she said something that additionally made my heart leap... she said, "I'll walk you to your car." Which meant THANK GOODNESS... NO AWKWARD MOMENTS ALONE WITH HER IN HER APARTMENT!!

She did walk me to my car. And then we gave each other a good-bye hug. And then before I knew what the hell was going on- she kissed me. And that was when I finally knew, 100%, that we'd been on a date.

Now, dear reader, you might remember that in my past history - I ONLY kiss someone when I'm in love with them. In fact, one of the 3 girls I dated never got to kissing stage. In this way I'm like a Julia Roberts prostitute, "Do anything you want - just no kissing on the lips!"

So... I was weirded out. Tried to play it off. Said something stupid (!!) - "Let's do this again. We click!" Went home, now slightly nauseous (from stomach ache and weirded-outedness), and brushed my lips.

Now the question is... how can I go out with this chick again (remember, we got along great, I could talk to her, we were "potential great friends") and also say "but I'm not interested in you romantically so can we just subtract that from the equation?"

I suppose I could just say that .... but I'm too nice in real life!! Damnit!

2005-07-31T02:40:00.000-07:00

Beyond my interest in potential men to play with... there were 4 Women Seeking Women posts that I responded TO.

Response 1: Found a girl who's profile I'd seen on MySpace before. She's somewhat attractive. Not butch. And continued to write me after seeing my profile.

Response 2: Interesting post regarding a 28 year old woman, only a year in L.A., who's bi-sexual and interested in meeting friends and maybe more if it leads there. I respond - give her the internet link for profile and pix. She thinks I'm cute and that my profile is great. I see her picture. She's not "my type" but she is the "type that I date." We begin to correspond.

Response 3: Vampire Girl seeks Goth girl. I'm not goth (but interested in the concept). I respond with picture/profile. She responds with picture/profile. She appears to be way too dark/scary/SOCIAL for me. I don't respond.

Response 4: Great post on CL. I respond with profile/pic. She responds with profile/pic. I don't find her the slightest bit attractive.... but damn..... she's written good conversational material in her response. I haven't responded yet but I still need to. But I don't want to lead her on....

Now back to Response 2 - we're corresponding now several times a day, beginning to e-mail flirt and she asks me to go see a cultural event with her. Now I'm totally freaked out because (read the little headline for the blog) - I'm antisocial! I really should have thought of this before!!
Additionally... I'm not clear on whether this is a date or just an outing with a new friend. What do I do? I've never been on a date before. The girls I've dated (the 3 girls) were all girls I knew from seeing every day at school and knew them each for 3 years before dating them. So we never went out on dates, really, we just started dating.

Meanwhile... the guys continue to e-mail me and I continue to be distracted by potential romance with Response Girl 2 and don't write back.

Now the other thing I worry about (this is all easy to think about and do while now-ex is out of the country for 2 weeks) is "What if I do like this girl and fall in love? I've only been friggin' 'physically' single and somewhat independent for about 3 weeks. What a waste of "single."

2005-07-31T02:25:00.000-07:00

My second post to Craigslist was due to being particularly "in the mood" and curious and feeling a bit independent and free. (I spent two weeks housesitting, alone, in Duarte.)

I posted in the Casual Encounters section saying essentially, "I'm a curious lesbian who fantasizes about being eaten out by a guy." I received at least 100 IMMEDIATE replies.

My third post to Craigslist was posted in the "Women Seeking Men" section. I wrote out a well-written request seeking plain ol' "guy friends." I received another 50 replies.

My mistake was sending both anonymous e-mails to the same address and, if the subject didn't specify, not knowing which guy was responding to which ad.

Sorting through these posts became a full time job. I finally deleted a number of the Casual Encounter replies and responded to maybe 20 guys telling them they'd made it to Round 2. Around this time I started to realize that the guys I was moving on were the guys that were somewhat sweet and caring and interesting with their responses. Don't get me wrong, I got plenty of hard-core "Let me suck it tonight" e-mails but those got deleted. The guys offering time to get to know them and lots of options to back out were the guys that moved forward. They were also the guys that I found friendly.

Meanwhile the ones that responded to the "Guy Friends" ad were interesting but I wasn't starting off with the straight-forward admission that I was open to being a little more ... intimate.

So I created Craigslist post 4 - which was "lesbian seeks non-threatening guy friends for potential cuddling and intimacy." This time I had the responses sent directly to an pseudonym e-mail address. I received another 100 semi-IMMEDIATE responses and spent another few days sorting through that.

At the end of this - there are about 5 guys that I would like to meet. (And one or two that I would like to keep on hold for any future particular interest in some sort of "no strings attached" encounter.)

Yes - I am a lesbian. But I'm 26 and I've never seen a penis close-up... never had some of that heterosexual intercourse and I'm CURIOUS. So sue me.

2005-07-31T02:14:00.000-07:00

My first post with Craigslist was a simple and honest request for a "seeks same" girl in the Women seeking Women section. I received two responses. Girl 1 said all the right things, responded to my post's request line by line and added her own information. It was clear we were perfect matches with the exception that she stated she was a "dancer." I figured this meant she was fit and leanly muscled... something that doesn't really draw my eye. But what the hell, her e-mail was wonderful - I responded and sent her the link to my MySpace profile where she could view my pictures and more about me.

She never wrote back.

Girl 2 also responded to my post with a lot of interesting information. However.... it was clear to me that I was not interested. But not knowing how to respond I wrote back, politely, and again sent the link to my MySpace profile. She responded and sent me her picture. A) She was FAR too butch for me. B) She was hispanic and I really am not attracted to anyone outside of my race. Sounds like crap but it's true. SO I continued to politely e-mail but didn't play up any potential romantic interest.

Girl 2 has somehow found my mobile phone on a MSN messenger list and has been sending me IMs on my phone. This is slightly scary. Mostly I'm wondering how the hell to tell her to stop doing that without being rude.

Last Week

2005-07-14T01:28:00.000-07:00

Last week was our "last week." We spent it in anger and sadness as we packed up our life together and put most of it in storage. We did, early on in the week, submit to our equal fertile moods and had our last sexual encounter.

We talked about it first, discussed whether it should be private masturbation, mutual masturbation or a 2 partner participation, chose to proceed and agreed that we could each handle it as a "means nothing" event and then we made out.

I feel/felt nothing when I kissed her. It used to be a rule of mine (way back in the beginning of my dating career with her... back in high school) that I would not kiss someone unless I was in love with them. I wished I could pull out this rule again but that would have killed the mood. I really got nothing out of it and it made me uncomfortable.

In the end she wouldn't let me "enter" which angered me considering we'd discussed it and ruled out masturbation. And I made the constant mistake that I always made by letting her complete before me. (This is a mistake because she gets goofy after orgasm and kills the mood.)

Then the week continued with lots of aforementioned sadness and anger and continued cuddling.

Sunday was our last full day together and our "divorce" finally hit me when she drove away that night and I realized that I had no idea when I'd see her again.

I was sad. And I was sad on Monday. And then on Monday night I posted a personal ad on Craigslist and received a few responses already.

Suddenly I'm not sure if I'm still sad or really into this feeling of independence.

Meanwhile... I have no place to live yet (other than a bed at my parents' house) and that's a little scary.

Stupid

2005-07-14T01:20:00.000-07:00

Now-ex had been flirting with a boy at work. An engaged boy. A boy whom she assumed was "safe" and fun to fake-flirt with because A) he was an engaged boy and B) he knew she was/has been dating a woman (and she never shared with him the suggestion that she might date a guy).

She enjoyed his company. They started hanging out more. Her boss warned her that he might be taking it differently than her. I warned her that her play-flirting is not often understood as play-flirting.

Nevertheless, she assumed she was in control of the situation and two weeks ago she attended his birthday drinking fest. The other co-workers at the gathering left as Now-Ex arrived - she was to be drunk co-worker boy's ride home. Well... apparently he took advantage of his inebriated situation and told her he loved her and then kissed her repeatedly every time she got close enough. (She claims it was a loud bar and he kept gesturing like he was going to say something so she'd lean in to hear and he'd kiss her instead... though she kept turning and he kept getting hair or cheek or chin.)

Well she came home feeling "unsafe" and "betrayed" and wouldn't talk about it with anyone for days. He harassed her the entire next day by calling twice an hour (supposedly to apologize). I, of course, was NOT allowed to know at all which was a killer because I wanted to be supportive but knew that I'd go into some sort of jealous rage if I found out. Eventually (obviously) I did but it had died down and she's now attempting to be friends with him again. (Though she still feels that he killed the friendship they had and now everything is touchy.)

Times of Your Month

2005-06-30T01:55:00.000-07:00

Sometimes things can get confusing based solely on the lesbian's body clock. Especially when its synchronized with someone else's. Sometimes it's great. Sometime's it's drama.

In the years (five) that my now-ex and I have been dating - I don't beleve we've ever synchronized body clocks in the especially great way. (And by this I mean, matching fertile days with fertile days..... read "horny" days.)

Sure - she can work with a female boss for a week and match up with her but she and I have always remained off-kilter.

Well in our normal off-kilter manner she spent the last week going through a PMS depression fest while I remained calm. This was followed by my own depression fest and emotional breakdown over the weekend. After she spent the night out with a mutual friend and didn't return until 5am - I panicked for her safety. She, in turn, decided not to tell me what events transpired at the bar she was at based on "principle." Having only previously been worried about the mutual friend and alcohol consumption I was now taken suddenly aback with the suggestion that promiscuous events had transpired. (Now-ex is a mysterious gal. I was her "first" but then she dated a guy...then a girl...then me again. Whether she'll go for guy or girl when single is really questionable.) (She was at an Irish pub... so I wasn't horribly worried but bars CLOSE AT 2. Where the fuck was she from 2 to 4 when she headed home??)

I went into an emotional tailspin... worried about mutual friends keeping secrets from me... worried about what now-ex had done.... feeling like I'd been cheated on and not rightly so. I declared, with heart breaking, that she was NOT allowed to do this again as long as we still lived together (which is to be about two weeks more). Finally, after an hour or so of emotional vomit (and at some point dragging her into the cry-fest) she finally, unintentionally, revealed that nothing had happened between her and anyone. I don't know if it was a lie or not but it cleared up the thick layers of betrayal-feelings.

Ever since - we've been closer. She threw me a mini-celebration for a job interview I had. We've been cuddling more. This is actually bad news for the breakup. We won't be good as friends if we (I) can't stop touching each other.

And now (and especially now after watching a lesbian-themed movie and reading some suggestive "fanfiction") I'm in my fertile time-period and looking at her like I just should not! It's times like these that I need a "booty call" friend. (And gods help me - do NOT let me make now-ex into my booty call friend because that only leads to drama drama drama.)

Hells

2005-06-08T02:49:00.000-07:00

This weekend I went to a family reunion which my now-ex was originally scheduled to attend. However, my now-ex's boss gave her a shit-hard time on Friday when she found out she was going. I hate now-ex's boss because she is yet one of the other people I blame for the loss of my comfy relationship... she put ideas in my now-ex's head I think... and was just generally never on my side because she just couldn't understand socially inept people. Anyway... she made some shitty comments to now-ex about "why are you going? are you going to beg for her back?"

I found out later that my now-ex went on a 5 mile walk at 10pm out of depression after her work day on Friday.

Without knowing about either event, I made sure that now-ex did join me at the hotel on Saturday because I was bored and had nothing to do (because she was supposed to be there ... we were supposed to be hanging out in the city area because the reunion part wasn't until Sunday but I was already in the hotel). Missing her ... and her missing me... we ended up hugging when alone in the room together and hugging led to a little peck on the lips. Bad bad bad!

She left shortly after, I continued with my day and my Sunday and returned Sunday night. We spent that evening, Monday evening and the whole day today together and .... everything's confused now. We had another little incident of peck-kissing yesterday.

The thing is - she was the one that initiated the break-up. I'm just trying to maintain it because I really don't think we've ever really been that compatible and REALLY... I'm not good for her. I hold her back. The break-up works when she keeps up with the "I don't know what my feelings for you are..." but it gets fuzzy when she gets sad and depressed about our breakup because I can't stand to see her sad.

The saddest part is that I feel nothing when I hold her or kiss her... other than comfy person and comfy skin. I can probably find comfy people elsewhere. There's NEVER really been any passion (on my side) in the relationship... and we suffered from our lesbian bed death a while ago. And she was never that into sex to begin with. She's asexual... and I can't stand it.

So I can grasp at the straws she's giving me and fix this relationship, not move, and be stuck in the same ol' repeating patterns of our dead-end relationship... or I can GET OUT!!! It seems like an obvious choice but somehow I always get sucked back in to the comfy and safe.

Chicken a la Queen

2005-05-30T01:24:00.000-07:00

When my girlfriend and I moved into our apartment we bought a bed for me for appearances. There were people we weren't "out" with, people who just wouldn't accept it if we were and people we just didn't care to have the conversation with.

So since there was not enough space for two beds and at least one desk in our one bedroom apartment we bought me a lofted twin bed - a "Gulliver" from Ikea - with a built in desk underneath for my computer.

When we moved into our two bedroom (one floor up) the bed was put in the room which was "my" room. We still slept together in the Queen however.

Now the thing is - if anybody thought about it - there was no way I would have ever slept in the Gulliver because I'm uncomfortable with heights. Also - the ceiling is not much farther up from the bed. (We later had a house guest who slept in the bed, woke up and sat up with a jerk - hitting her head on the ceiling and ending up with a small scab right smack in the middle of her forehead from the popcorn ceiling.)

Originally I had declared that if we ever broke up there was NO WAY she was kicking me out of the Queen - we would just have to put a divider between us or something.

This proved unrealistic when we actually separated. Up until a couple of weeks ago we were still sleeping together... mentally keeping ourselves "separated" and taking trips or housesitting... and then finally just giving in and cuddling. Then we had a "Come to Jesus" meeting and decided that this arrangement wasn't going to work so I had to figure something out.

So I moved my lovely pillow-top twin mattress off of the top of the Gulliver and onto the floor - where I would sleep. The first week I slept half there and half in the Queen.

Now we've weaned some more and I've spent the whole week on the mattress on the floor. This, by the way, is HORRIBLE. I didn't realize how important box springs (or thin boards - per the Gulliver) were! This arrangement is dreadfully uncomfortable. I hate it. I know, also, that the now-ex hates sleeping alone because she's cuddling with whatever large stuffed thing she can find.

And by mid-week we'll be giving our notice to the apartment managers letting them know that we'll be moving. ....

And it keeps feeling like we're playing this one big game of chicken... waiting to see who'll call who on the break-up-move-out-move-on bluff.

Mirrors

2005-05-29T16:16:00.000-07:00

I hate to admit it but I do care about looks.

Now I don't have the same standards as others but I do care. For instance - I do not like skinny girls. I can't stand the "need a sandwich" look. I like my girls with some meat... not too much but just the right amount to make the girl A) soft, B) curvy, C)sometimes voluptuous and D) (yes) less attractive to potential rivals.

A weight range from 150-180 give or take a few pounds is PERFECT.

Then I like long hair - short hair turns me way off. And I prefer it brown.... but that's not a solid rule.

I don't like girls TOO feminine but I also don't like them TOO masculine. I'm right in the middle and I like them right in the middle also.... which usually means that I'm attracted, primarily, to bisexuals.

The trick I haven't figured out is what I should look like/dress like/act like to attract these 'in the middle' girls.

But in the mean time... I occasionally get "Gosh you're cute!" e-mails from girls on MySpace and my immediate reaction to some of them is "Who's this fugly sending me a note?" Then I feel bad. Then I feel worse because I only attract fugly.

Blabber

2005-05-28T02:28:00.000-07:00

My now-ex girlfriend and I had a fun time tonight. For some reason or another she had a Dave & Buster's card filled with some points that she received because of some job meeting held there. Since we had nothing better to do after dinner at the mall - we decided to slip in and waste the points. After a few rigged games and barely enough tickets to make the cost of the card worthwhile (thankfully we didn't pay for it) - we came out with a hackysack ball.

Then we sat at some empty tables in the now closed mall and talked about splitting friends. We came to the conclusion that they sucked since not a one had called her to ask her how she was doing or offer support or anything after the announcement that our five year relationship was coming to a close. This really does blow and I'm honestly upset about it. At first she thought I was smirking ... I may have been because "our" friends had actually said to me at the first notice a month or so ago that I get them in the divorce. Good for me. Bad for the ex... who is still the best friend I have so that makes things odd. However the now-ex pointed out that I needed some odd/weird friends because odd/weird friends might actually treat me as "one of them" and take care of me... while the friends I do have are more likely to keep me as their odd/weird pet friend. YES... I know... confusing. The point is... I was feeling good about my friends choosing me and she managed to make me feel bad by making me feel like I wasn't really important to my friends.

At the same time I'm pissed that nobody seemed to give a rat's ass and call the now-ex. I mean hello? She's been there for you when you were sick, when you were sad, whenever you needed a hand. Frankly my now-ex is too good for them.

I pointed out that her problem seemed to be that these girls were my friends that I chose to surround myself with - cold, unfeeling people who wouldn't necessarily pry into my affairs because I was cold and unfeeling and shut off from the world - and they became her friends by default. They were never good enough for her.

Well in the end that seemed to cheer her up strangely and we ended up attempting to play hackysack in the mall. It ended when she kicked the foot bag over the wall of the Orange Julius kiosk and we were both too chicken to climb over the little door that separated us from it. Now-ex attempted to flag down a few guys and use her "feminine whiles" but to no avail. Good bye hackysack!

Now-Ex added two things to her list for next girlfriend or boyfriend: 1) Must be sporty (since I am not); 2) Must be brave (since I am not)

Welcome

2005-05-27T18:27:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Refried Les Bean! This blog is new but I've been blogging for several months now. But there's always something that I find myself self-editing out of a post on my "normal" blog because I know who's going to read it (or I don't know who's going to read it).

You get the idea? I can't post about an ex because they all know the blog address. I can't post about any "encounters" I might have (cross your fingers) because of which friend might stumble across it. Etc. Etc. I'm sure you get the point.

Well... the goal of this little space is to chronicle the adventures of my new separation from my girlfriend and anything that might come of it.

Welcome stranger - I hope you enjoy!