The Anger Stage

Oh so much happens in such a short period of time.

Suffice it to say that I seem to have entered the "angry" period. Well actually I entered it and then I was in it and then ... now ... I don't know what I'm in now.

Since the last post -

- Franco got nicer, sending me a few unsolicited and "of her own volition" texts about how she missed her best friend. Each thing would last me a day but I always woke up with a new sadness/thought/anger.

- I woke up a week ago Saturday with the feeling "Shit. Franco keeps saying "in a perfect world I would be hers to hold forever." And I suddenly realize that in her 'perfect world' she'd get to have me AND her husband." After NOT contacting her all day I received a nice note from her about how I was her one of her only real friends and I proceeded to GO OFF on her with the above theory and certain other things I was angry/upset about. She didn't reply and I continued to text on a mad texting spree.... eventually I realized she wasn't there and after walking three "angry" laps around the park I calmed down and she returned. She revealed that after her texts she turns the phone off and leaves because she's "not supposed to be talking to me."

- Sunday I woke up with the fear that "SHE'S GOING TO GET PREGNANT!" I don't know why I had that thought but it was horrible and it enraged me. She often spoke of how she didn't want another baby because the one she has was really really difficult when he was younger and she really didn't think she could handle her husband and a baby again (because he was horrible at handling it). But suddenly I just thought "She's having all this make-up sex and she's going to forget to take her pill and end up pregnant and she's going to be further tied into this life and further and further away from me. Plus I just don't need that actual proof that all the sex is happening. I'll just die." So I texted her something stupid about how she better not get pregnant. I expected her to respond with something reassuring like, "You know I don't want another kid." But instead she wrote back, "Why?" Which was like a practical admission that she was already knocked up!! GRRRRR.

- Monday I didn't contact her until I drove by something that we'd discussed once. I sent her a note about how I'd driven by this landmark. Friendly. Short. Nothing else. And then I was in a meeting. And while in the meeting she called me! SHE CALLED ME! And I couldn't answer the damn phone because I was in this meeting! Well I told her that I couldn't talk but that the meeting was almost over so she said I could call her back. When I got out - I called - and it went direct to voicemail. About a half hour later I got a text from her saying that she was "overcome with guilt" and had turned off the phone. I was peeved but I told her to "try again" the next day.

- Tuesday I awoke to texts from her telling me that her husband had chewed her out for the texts she'd been sending to me so a phone call was out of the question and she couldn't text anymore either. I thought I was getting better but the prospect of her disappearing from my life completely was unbearable and I started begging her to not stop. Begging... pretty sad. And then I was angry again and texting harsher things. She finally revealed that, while I honestly thought that she'd chosen her husband because she was scared of what he had become and because of the life and family "peer pressure" that was all around her, instead something had "clicked" in her the day he was arrested. She'd led me to believe that she was going to end things with me for the moment so that she could settle things with him in a calmer manner. In reality, when he got arrested she saw in him the "man she fell in love with" and chose him because she realized how much she loved him. "Not because I don't love you but because I love him too," was what she said. And in that moment I guess I finally finally FINALLY realized that it was over and that she'd just said certain things to make me happy. In the end I asked her to please just call once to give me a fucking proper goodbye instead of this texting shit. She agreed to do it on her way home in the evening so I spent my day making a bullet-pointed list of things I wanted to say to her if this was going to be our last conversation.

- She called and she was COLD. She was bitchy. She said some pretty fucked up things like that rather than being also sad about our ended relationship, she was instead "relieved." RELIEVED??!?! I get it though - she was relieved that not talking to me meant she didn't have to lie about talking to me. Though recently she'd begun lying again because of the texts and she felt horribly guilty about it. She also said that her and her husband were back to the way they were right after they got married. Wonderful... a honeymoon period. I told her about how everything still had little remnants of her attached to it and that I was struggling to take back my power over little things and she said, "You've just got to move on." Fuck you! Move on??! I'm trying to fucking move on, you two-timing hussy of a bitch! Please pardon me for believing I meant something to you when you told me that I did at least 15 times a day before you just pulled it out from under me. She said we should have just left it at her saying goodbye on that day he got arrested.. but no, I said. I needed to hear you tell me these things. I needed to know that you weren't trapped in some life. I needed to know that you weren't working towards a separation anymore. I needed to know that you could care less about me. I needed to know it all because the past week was full of mixed messages like, "I showed my husband how much I loved him," followed by, "You are my soul mate!" In that portion of the conversation she admitted that she felt horrible for the messages containing the "brutal honesty" so she'd follow them up with nicer messages meant to make me feel better. Saying that effectively ripped all the nice things away from me as if they were lies to begin with. I was a mistake for her. She said that she'd never considered me a mistake... but it sure was/is the way she was/is treating me. She tried to claim that she was just too impulsive and should have thought things through but I said, "Bullshit! We talked and talked and talked it all through. When I met you I was trying to reconnect you with your husband. I didn't want to do this. You didn't want to do this. But we fell for each other. And we talked it all through. And we both knew what was happening and how it would probably end. And we tried to give each other up and stop talking to each three times but it never worked. So don't fucking tell me you were impulsive and didn't think about it!" The call ended when she got home... and without a proper "goodbye." I asked her to just circle the block once - she parked instead. Her husband wasn't home so I asked her to just say goodbye.. no one was around. No one was around for her entire ride home. Just say goodbye! And she refused .. she said she'd call me later to finish the conversation.

- I hung up sad... but also enraged. FUCK HER AND HER PUSSY OF WHORRY DOOM! I was pissed..PISSED!!! Very sad but also PISSED.

- Wednesday - I didn't talk to her. I was enraged. I told my friend, who UP UNTIL THAT POINT had been on the "she's just very confused" side of the court, about the phone call and she became a cheerleader for the "Fuck her and her vagina of doom" team. That night she called and I didn't answer, letting it go to voicemail. She said, "I just called to apologize for being a raging bitch yesterday. I just really don't know how to handle things and that's what I do... I back off. I also wanted to let you know that I cried last night." I didn't like it. The apology wasn't BIG enough. And so what that she cried... she could have stubbed her toe and cried. She didn't explain. It wasn't enough. I didn't call back.

- The funny thing was that my voicemail only holds saved messages for 14 days so when I called to retrieve the aforementioned message - my voicemail first informed me that it was about to delete an old saved message. It was from Franco.... telling me "I just called to tell you how lovely you are! I hope you're feeling better and I just want you to know that I love you very much!" That was from the day that led into the night of her husband breaking everything and getting arrested. 14 DAYS! Two weeks ago she was totally in love with me and 14 days later I was virtually forgotten.

- Thursday... I gave her nothing. I was still pissed. Talked with a few other people and was assured that no... I should not give her the time of day. If she asked if I got the message I should just say, "Yep," and leave it at that. But in the end I felt like not responding to her might just be too much of a "relief" so I sent her a very brief note just to say that 'I appreciate that you called to apologize."

- Friday... she stalked me on MySpace and noticed that I'd subtly mentioned her to HotttGirl in the comments box. She sent me an irritated little note saying that she didn't want me talking about her or getting comfort from HotttGirl. Basically... she was jealous. I said, "What the hell does it matter?" and told her also that I'd also just had a nice long 3 hour conversation with Texas Heather. We exchanged a couple of short notes and I tried to end it on a silly note because even though I'm pissed at her... I didn't want her pissed at me.

-(As a sidenote, HotttGirl has been very supportive and now that all this went down with Franco - my confused emotions about HotttGirl have settled down such that I can just be very good friends with her without all that other attraction getting in the way. In a way I'm appreciative of that.)

-(As another sidenote, Texas Heather told me that SHE had once been married and had cheated on her husband with a woman which drove him crazy and he got arrested.. and she ended up leaving the woman. In the end the marriage didn't work out (it was only common law anyway) and he left but she never did get back with the girl. She told me this story because she wanted me to understand that Franco was in no place for me right now. That even if she had chosen me ... she wouldn't be emotionally stable enough for the relationship. I knew this anyway but it meant more coming from someone who'd been the "franco" in the situation and could talk from that experience. The same thing with HotttGirl, actually. She'd also done something similar to a girl and told me that hearing about my experiences with Franco made her feel almost as if she was attoning for what she'd done to her ex-girlfriend.)

- Saturday I went out with friends and while at dinner I recieved a text from Franco saying, "I just wanted you to know that I was leaving for my vacation tomorrow and that if I get a chance before I leave I will respond to your e-mails. But know that I miss you and moreover that I love you mind, body and soul." It was sweet... very sweet... but I rolled my eyes. My friend grabbed the phone from me and wrote back to her, "Blah Blah." Later I sent a text admitting that it wasn't me but that I hadn't stopped the send either. I never heard from her.

- Sunday morning I received a call at 7am - waking me up. I thought it was a text so when I flipped my phone open to read it... I'd actually answered Franco's call. She'd apparently just turned her phone on and received those messages and wanted to call about it. I spent the entire phone call being generally mean to her... telling her about how her apology wasn't good enough. Telling her about how I'd been angry. About I didn't want to be too much of a "relief" by not talking to her. I didn't really hold anything back but I was also barely awake so I don't believe anything was too harsh. She just took everything... it was actually a pleasant conversation. Almost like old times with me unable to stop talking to her but without all that pain and sadness. Probably that's why she liked the call so much... I wasn't being "weak." During the call she referred to me as her "horrible addiction" and I snipped at her for calling me "horrible." She was packing for her vacation... a vacation she'd planned with her fucking family INSTEAD of a road trip that would have brought her to Los Angeles. A vacation that also happens to occur over my birthday. It was really a wonderful gift to hear about that vacation (note sarcasm). Her husband interrupted a couple of times and she hid the phone and pretended she wasn't on it... just like old times. She said, "My husband is going to kill me when he gets the phone bill and sees that I'm still talking to you." "Yeah," I said, "And he's probably also going to notice that all the phone calls are outgoing." She said, "Well this is probably the last time I'll talk to you and I wanted to make it nice." "Yeah," I said, "I thought your voicemail was the last time your were going to talk to me." Maybe we can arrange it so that we can talk at least once a month - she offered. "Whatever" was my attitude. She ended the phone call by saying, "I love you" and as I was beginning to reciprocate she interrupted to say, "And you don't have to say it back!" "Well I was saying it back but you interrupted me so now all you get is a Fuck you!" And then we said our good-byes.

- About two hours later I got a text from her telling me that "Damnit! Every time I have a free moment I want to call you! Damn you for making me miss you so much!" I offered that we could make each other voo doo dolls to talk to instead. She said she'd sew one right up. I told her to make sure she made it out of satin so it would feel like her.

- And now I'm feeling like a dummy because I left her with a nice comment! I should have left her thinking that I still hated her because that makes her more responsive! I'm still angry... still annoyed... and very much better. My appetite is back. I don't think about her every second. I actually kinda miss being sad because now I'm just sorta numb to it all and I would LIKE to remember how much I was able to feel. I mean I know that the sad is not gone.. it's just sorta buried under a couple layers of absolute disgust. I also kinda miss having no appetite because I was losing weight!

- In summary - I think some of that early advice from one friend is the most accurate. The sooner I'm getting back to the "old me"... the sooner she's remembering why she fell in love with me in the first place. And while getting back to the "old me" means I won't/don't want her anymore ... it may oddly be the way I win her back.

The calm before the storm

I actually made it through all of today without crying though I did have one anxiety attack in the bathroom. I've concluded that no sleep on top of this grief is not helpful. My mornings... oh they just suck. I wake up weeping. I can't leave the room. When I do - it's to weep in the bathroom. I've turned into that crazy ex... going through all the stages of loss. I've lost my appetite (I'm just starting to get it back) and hell I even induced vomit on a couple of occasions!! WTF??

Two days ago I was in the bargaining stage and thinking thoughts like "What if I just wait for her older husband to die" (he is twenty years older than her) and "If I promise never to come see you can I please just talk to you again like before," and "Your husband and I both love you and you love both of us... let's make it work for all of us." EWWWW!! None of these thoughts are appealing but they just kept coming up.

The waiting for her husband to die thing... well that was something that Franco had told me that Irritating Girl had once said to her back when they were flirting. Franco once brought that up and said, "Would you do that?" (I mean we both knew from day one that she was going to end up back with her husband but she kept moving farther and farther away from him so I had all that hope for this fantastic relationship that we were on the verge of! Completely emotionally, intellectually and sexually compatible! UGH! And this is why I grieve - I grieve for the loss of something that died far far too early.) Anyway... I yelled at her when she said that originally! "OMIGOD! I can't believe you even suggested that!" But yesterday I remembered it and had that *ZING* of hope again. Dumb. But then I thought, "Wait a minute! Waiting for your husband to die???? That's not something that rational people say! Shit! Irritating Girl was in love with Franco!!!"

So I sent a text to Franco asking her to tell me the truth - was this what happened to Irritating Girl? (Since I knew they had been flirting once but then Franco cut it off because she really wasn't interested in I.G. and had just been looking for the distraction and the attention because her marriage wasn't satisfying her. I.G. was even going to go to fly and visit Franco but Franco cancelled the trip and then stopped talking to I.G. because she was re-dedicating herself to making her marriage work.) (Eerily familiar!) Franco wrote back that NO - this was nothing like the situation with I.G. She "supposed" I.G. was in love with her but the difference was that she was not in love with I.G. (As she was in love with me.) I guess that made me feel better. But then I remembered how poor I.G. continued to try to be Franco's friend while also healing and moving on. Part of that moving on involved her becoming interested in me and then guess what happened.... Franco and I fell for each other. Thus crushing poor I.G. again!

I still don't really like Irritating Girl but I do have a new sympathy for her. And the thing is... I do NOT want to become her. I do not want to watch Franco with other people. (Husband, obviously, and especially not anyone else that should come along. My god if someone else came along and she DID leave her husband for THAT person... the horror.)

Two friends in particular have been the ones keeping track of me mostly. Making sure that I get out of the house and go where I'm supposed to go and don't stay in my room weeping. Though I wake up at like 5-6am and cry and try to go back to sleep until a more normal waking up time. And no one can babysit me in the mornings. But it's good, I think, to let this all out and wallow in all this pain. If I allow myself to suffer then I won't hide it and bury it and then release it at inappropriate times in the future. (So I think.)

I try really really hard not to contact her. But I slip. And when I slip I get nice and caring responses from her but they have an element of coldness. Like between the lines it says, "Stop this. I can only text you once and then you have to quit!"So after endlessly talking out all my theories and feelings and everything with all of my friends only to be given differing advice from everybody based on their own current or past romantic dramas... I concluded that it was pointless to keep talking to everybody else. So last night I sent her an e-mail getting EVERYTHING off my chest. Usually this type of e-mail should be promptly deleted or printed but not sent or saved as a draft or left as a locked diary entry. I have one or two like that two - the really foul and angry ones. The ones I didn't send because I knew I'd so regret those later. This one, though, had loving things AND angry things AND hurt things AND hopeful things. It just had EVERYthing that I just wanted to tell her but couldn't because I wasn't allowed to talk to her on the phone. (Not that I would have been that coherant on the phone anyway.) It did feel better to send it all out to her. Yes, I probably burdened her with a lot of my feelings but it was also written at a time of acceptance I guess. Like... I'd been avoiding saying these things because I thought she might come back. But now that she's showed her steel reserve and willpower ... I guess I know she's not coming back. So I said things like, "Why should I bother being strong? Strong doesn't bring you back so I've got nothing to lose." The letter ended up being 6 pages long. Boy it was a doozy. And I ended it by saying, "if and when you respond - please please please don't be harsh" because the wound is still open.

But I know that there are things she'll need to say too. Explanations she'll feel that she needs to give (even though I understand why she made the choice she made). And I'm not really looking forward to that response.Today was sorta the calm before the storm I think.

This morning was NOT good. I did have an anxiety attack and had to close myself up in a bathroom stall to try to breath and not cry and pull myself together. I sent her a text then asking her to just please say something nice to me. She told me of a memory of a nice time we had together. A "nice" time... even her nice things seem to hurt like daggers. Later when I was on a break I broke down and called her on the phone - "I just needed to hear your voice to ground me" I said. And then I told her about the 6 page letter and how I worried that this may be the last time she'd talk to me. She said she'd check it and she let me go. She was OK to me but there was that coldness.

When I got home (I'm taking classes so I had a 45 minute break between classes during which I went home) I got a text from her responding to one of the sections of my letter. She assured me that she didn't want me gone and that I wasn't just a one night stand to her. (Both past tense sayings.) (Like I can totally read that like "I didn't want you gone but now I do.") "It just has to be this way," was how she ended it. Again another sting. I decided to just call her... "So you've read the e-mail?" "I'm reading it now... I just read that part and felt compelled to respond to that right away. I'll respond to this but maybe not tonight." I let her go and reminded her to please try to not be harsh when she did reply. Her phone call wrapping up tone was cold... I asked her if she was just cold or if she was just trying to make it easier to hang up. She said she was trying to make it easier to hang up.

But still... hearing from her at all just made me feel better today. Because I am worried about what her response is going to do to me. I'm feeling a little better... but her response will undoubtedly hold some final truths.. some final closure... some final unforgivable things. Maybe. I don't know.

Later after my second class I'd discovered I'd just received an award for something that was something Franco and I had in common and often talked about. I just had to tell her so I sent yet another text. She congratulated me and we carried on a brief but happy and humorous text-based conversation. She keeps asking me if I'm feeling better. I wish she'd stop. I wish SHE wouldn't feel better. But anyway... having all the communication with her today made me feel ... like I could survive.

The best best best best best part of my day, though, was at night. Hours after the conversation in the above paragraph... of her OWN VOLITION... WITHOUT ANY PROMPTING BY ME... she sent me two texts. The first, "Goodnight." The second, "I miss my best friend."

Awwww! She fucking made me high again. But god damnit then I get all upset because she misses her "Best Friend" and not her GIRLFRIEND!!

I'm still waiting for the shitstorm that is her response back to me though.

Ripped

She's totally ripped my heart out. I don't think I can tell the story again to one more person rationally - including this anonymous diary.So short story - when her husband got out of jail - she "showed him how much she loved him" such that he now trusts her whole heartedly. In other words - she fucked him. And not only did she fuck him but A) she didn't have sex with him while thinking about me and crying like she did when had just started to fall for me and B) she showed him how much she "loved" him which means to me that she "made love" to him.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I've been dying. Like literally dying. I can't eat. I'm completely sick. I'm already uncomfortable because of my back and everything. This fucking fucking fucking fucking sucks.

There are so many hurts. How can she go from being in love with me and looking for apartments and knowing that the marriage was "over" on fucking Tuesday to forgetting about me and making love to him by Thursday?!?!?!Today I threw up from grief and that was a first.

She claims she's still in love with me. But she has an "ideal life" that she wants for her son and I'm not part of that "normal" that she wants. She said she's so upset about what she's done to me .. her "soulmate". HOW THE FUCK CAN SHE CALL ME HER SOULMATE AND DUMP ME AND FUCK HIM AND CHOOSE THAT LIFE?!?!? How can she still be in love with me (which she claims) and just drop me so fucking easily?!?!

My friends are all on "suicide watch" but when I can't even get myself out of bed in the morning... how can they even watch me? One of my guy friends has been great at talking me through some of this but I found out today that the reason he's so great at knowing how I feel is because he got dumped several months ago.

And ... and ... he still fucking hurts every day. And he still hasn't gotten his appetite back. And talking to me about my fresh pain makes him feel less alone in his. I know this pain - I've felt it once before when I was 17 and my first love broke my heart. I didn't feel this pain when my last girlfriend (called "NowEx" in my blog posts) and I broke up. I made NowEx come over to comfort me the night I found out.. she held me and let me cry (much to the chagrin of her current new girlfriend) but in the end she got insulted. "You didn't react like this when we broke up," she said. I lied and told her I had but I'd hid it from her. Really it's because I was never in love with her.

I'd just finally fucking admitted to Francophile that I was in love with her on Monday. Wednesday she dumped me. Thursday she ripped my heart out and stomped on it. And I've gone fucking insane.