Kinda Ha Ha

I just had to post this because I found it amusing.

SoYeahUm has now hung out with HmmHmmWow's friends a couple of times (going to the lesbian clubs) and one of them told her (SoYeahUm) jokingly that HmmHmmWow meets all her friends by dating them.

We both got a good giggle out of that since I met HmmHmmWow on a date! :)

SoYeahUm and I have decided we're good sexual confidants. By this I mean that she's telling me about some of her Craigslist ads and I've told her about some of mine. (Though I haven't posted any since my date with HmmHmmWow.) No one else in my life have I told about these ads! (And y'all readin' this don't count.)

And even funnier - SoYeahUm posted a new ad for women and one of three responses she got was from HmmHmmWow!! I've been sworn to secrecy. I'm now trying to see if I can convince SoYeahUm to date HmmHmmWow... cuz that would entertain me. But she won't go for it because "HmmHmmWow is too clingy!"

In other news, HotttGirl's husband left for boot camp and she's bitched to me about his "bastardness" a couple of times. She posted a new comment under a new MySpace picture saying, "You are so cute!!! It's not fair!!!!" But then she went and posted two new blogs about how much she misses her bastard husband. SoYeahUm is now telling me to just go down to her town and make out with her and get it over with. It really would be nicer (or that much more dangerous) if she lived 2 hours closer.

And in OTHER other news.... NowEx came over yesterday after playing pool with a mutual friend. She'd had a couple of drinks so she was in a "mood" and asked if it was OK to kiss me. Eh. I let her have some kisses because it was nice and comfortable. Nothing of the "french" variety. She spent the night and cuddled. (Sounds interesting but it's not all that... she just was too tired to drive home. She fell asleep right away and woke up somewhere around 5am to leave in time to get to work.)

For the first time I showed her a picture of HotttGirl's baby daughters (because they're so cute and NowEx loves babies). It was her first time hearing about HotttGirl period. I just referred to her as a friend. I implied nothing. (What really is there to imply?)

Fool me twice - shame on me.

Spending time with my NowEx always ends bad. We're still best friends (so we say... or so I say) and we can still have a great time hanging out with each other. However, it always seems to end in her crying. Each time I think, "This time will be different!" And each time she cries at the end of the day. Then I say to myself, "OK... we can't be friends. It's just that simple." And then I forget and we hang out again because she's fun... and then she cries.

She cries because she misses me. She cries because I don't seem to miss her. She cries because she's on her own. Etc. Etc.

This week she was pissed because one of those e-mail surveys went around (i.e., What's your favorite color? Soda? Movie? When's the last time you cried? Etc.) and for the crying question I wrote that the last time I'd cried was a month ago. I thought I was actually being generous because the month ago cry was maybe a moment of a few tears. The last REALLY GOOD CRY was back in July.

NowEx got mad when she read that (and didn't tell me until today) because I hadn't cried more in the last month.

I mean - you'd think I should. The relationship that we'd ended had lasted for almost six years (if not more) and our split really sort of is like a divorce. But I've got no tears. I mean - that's really telling. That I was able to shut off those emotions so quickly (and I mean I shut off the "love") means that it wasn't really real for me the whole time.

I can tell you, honestly, that I never fell in love with my NowEx. She was my rebound after my first love in high school. We broke up (I broke up with her) when I was in college. And after college we just sorta fell into a relationship again primarily because we couldn't be "just friends" because there was too much sexual tension.

I was her first love, however. So there's always been a lot of pressure on me (at least in my mind) to love her and stay with her because I worried that she'd fall apart without me. (For more than just the "first love" reason but that was one of them.)

In April she broke up with me. I was upset. She took some time to think about it and came back with an offer to rekindle and I said, "No!" I wanted to actually do a full break up (I'd had a tendency to break up with her almost once a year and then work it out) and really test the waters without her. So we started sleeping apart (that didn't work because I hated sleeping in the new place and felt the big bed was as much mine... and we liked snuggling too much), packed up all of our things, ended our lease and moved out.

My breakup with her has been like a huge weight off of my shoulders. I keep saying its a "separation" and everybody assumes we're getting back together eventually but this is all because I'm too fucking nice. I love her - she's my best friend - I want to keep her around and never ever do I want to hurt her ... but after all this time I still end evenings with her crying because I'm not affected enough by the breakup.

If I had the balls I'd just say, "Goddamnit! I'm too young to settle and live the rest of my life without romance or sex!"

Because it had come to that.... she was too self-consious about her performance and her own body - sex was never enjoyable.

Sure back in high school it was great - this was for two reasons. 1) I was a giver because I hadn't learned how to enjoy sex yet, really. 2) She really seemed to enjoy what I gave - and in turn that turned me on.

She admitted, a year or more into the second relationship, that all those orgasms in relationship 1 - she'd faked. What the hell? Actually there were a lot of things in relationship 1 that she'd lied about or faked.... to the point where I can say that relationship 1 (which was only about 4 months long) was completely based on fiction. (Not to mention, it was a rebound for me and I was still madly in love with my first love.)

A year or so into Relationship 2 I brought the issue up - she agreed to work on it with me. We went to a "toy" store and bought some videos, a costume, some machinery, etc. Well the machinery was great and a "sex day" we'd scheduled went off well... but we couldn't keep it up. I got to the point that when we did have sex I had to close my eyes so I could imagine someone else.

Maybe this is normal. Maybe this is just what they call the "lesbian bed death." I don't know but I really did feel that I was far too young to say, "OK that's it! I'll never have sex again."

But it wasn't just sex - it was romance. I never really felt romantic with NowEx the way I had with FirstLove. Maybe that's normal - I don't know. And maybe I did and I just can't remember now.

Tonight NowEx called (after our day together) and explained some of the many reasons why she was upset with me and I said, "You know, maybe the reason I'm not so upset is because I don't feel like I've lost anything. We're still friends. We still have fun. And that's all that I felt was there in the relationship anyway - we'd just become best friends." She got upset and hung up after that.

Already she's stated that doesn't want me back.... but for stating that she sure does spend a lot of time trying to figure out why I'm not upset and what needs to be done to fix us and about potential futures for us.

I think I still lead her on though, simply by just being nice.

So now I'm venting here... this is a usual vent that's in my head when she gets all moody and expects me to be sad. I did my sad. But I always had one foot out the door... she accused me of just being in the relationship because it was convenient and of just waiting around for something better to come along. I always thought, "Fuck, she's reading my mind!" but always said, "Oh nononono... that's not how I feel at all."

If I wasn't such a pussy I wouldn't have wasted this much of our time.

Holiday

I went on a vacation last week! I spent some time on the east coast with friends there and I declared (to another MySpace buddy) before I left that if HotttGirl did not leave me a message, post a comment or send an e-mail about how she missed me by the time I came back - then I would officially give up on her. (And I thought about her every damn day I was gone... I managed to avoid MySpace... but talked about her and showed one of my friends a picture of her. He declared, "Damn! I wouldn't usually advocate being a homewrecker but damn! She's hot! Go for it!" Which strangely seems to be the consensus... at least of the people I'm paying attention to.) :)

When I returned there were two such "I miss you" messages from her. Damn!

The other day there was some silly bulletin post about "repost this if you like someone and want to straight up chill, nap, cuddle, spend time with, make out with, etc. with them." I thought, "What the hell?!" and posted it with the subject line (as suggested by the bulletin) "I like her." HotttGirl responded right away (I was half hoping she'd see it and half hoping she'd miss it) and said, "Awww! Was that for NowEx?" I thought for a moment that I should ignore the note or lie but I chose instead to respond sort of kiddingly so she wouldn't necessarily know that I have this huge crush on her. I answered, "No, it was for you NumbNuts! Because I wanted to straight up chill with you!" Followed by a smiley emoticon of course.

She responded, "Just chill? Grumble Grumble"

Then she reposted that same bulletin and gave it the subject "I Love RefriedLesBean" and added the note to the top on the inside of the post, "I hope it's OK if I want to do more than chill with you."

Now for those of you not familiar with MySpace - a "bulletin" gets posted in a place where EVERYBODY on your friends list can see the message. It's like sending an e-mail to all of your contacts at once.

I gave in a little and sent a note to her after that telling her that sometimes she makes me all "wobbly."

She giveth and then she taketh away. There's this silly new little clique-ish sort of thing on MySpace now. Previously your friends list just showed the first 8 people in your list (8 random friends) but now you can pick which 8 friends show. As a result there is all this silly drama about who gets picked as your #1 friend and etc. I was HotttGirl's #1 friend but then she created a MySpace profile for her husband and made him her #1. I took that as a sign. (She was actually my #4, with SoUmmYeah ahead of her, but I swapped them today because SoUmmYeah said I should. Actually she said, "Oh my God! Just put her ahead of me already! Gawd!" So I did.)

The following day HotttGirl posted a blog entry about how she's been nervous, anxious and having nightmares because her husband was going to be signing/turning in his final papers to enlist in the Army. And how she's terrified of being alone. And how is she going to raise her babies herself. Etc. Etc.

Red flags and sirens again. OK maybe she just likes me because she's hoping I'll fill some sort of void and make her less lonely.

Really there are an abundance of red flags and I still seem to be ignoring them. I'll never be able to say that I didn't know what I was getting into (if I get into anything).

Meanwhile - she still took some shared pictures of me from my vacation and saved them to her computer and changed her MSN Messenger name to "I love RefriedLesbean" again. I've gotta say - the girl's got balls. I'd never be bold enough to do that.

In other news - I came back to find that SoUmmYeah had gone to a particular lesbian bar, that I'd been stressing about going to because HmmHmmWow keeps asking me to go, without me. Which is fine except that I'd asked her to come with me as friend protection but now it won't be new to her. Then as she told me about the experience I realized that she hadn't gone alone. I got a little excited, thinking she'd gone with a date, and asked who she went with. Then she told me that she'd gone with HmmHmmWow. The conversation got a little weird after that. I think she was worried that I'd be upset about her seeing HmmHmmWow behind my back but really I was just in a "dang - she's stealing my friends" moment. She's also apparently been e-mailing with Glee and inviting HmmHmmWow to other things. Actually that's totally fine with me - but I can tell SoUmmYeah thinks that there might be something between me and HmmHmmWow and that she might be in a strange relationship zone. Which there isn't anything between us... at least not on my end. However every once in a while HmmmHmmmWow will e-mail me to tell me that she's been on a few dates but hasn't had sex. I'm not sure why I'm on her sex update list.

And back at the ranch - I seem to be getting a lot of invites (are they asking me out??) from a variety of MySpace girls. Some cute - some not so cute. All bold enough to invite me out. I haven't managed to be available for one yet maybe soon. Some of them are really cute.

Thursday I have an appointment with a psychic who is supposed to be excellent. I hear she helps the Los Angeles Police Department with cases. I'll probably ask her about the usual - career and romance. I predict that she'll see something in my future about HotttGirl and a broken heart.

Cont'd

Oh yeah - I forgot to mention - Friday I IMed with her and she'd asked me to give her a "slideshow" - showing her pictures (via the "display picture") of me that she hadn't seen before. (The funny thing is that when you change the picture, everyone on the messaging service can see and SoUmYeah was online chatting with me also... and thought I was doing the slideshow for her. I didn't have the heart to tell her otherwise.)

So I showed her a bunch of different pictures of me... some decent... some that I would consider bad. And at the end I asked her if she thought my pictures looked like me. Basically I was asking if the "good" pictures were misleading or what... and she told me that I was much cuter in person. That the pictures didn't do me justice.

And so I revealed that I thought she was hotter in person. And she said, "awww" and then NOTHING ELSE.

Like - she just disappeared off the IM program... and continued to do that for the rest of the night - came back and said one thing and then disappeared again. I felt like I was left hanging! Yeah, gonna try not to do that again.

Yeah I dunno

It's a good thing that the HotttGirl lives far from me... I mean like the occasional "dropping by" aspect of a relationship or a "let's just get coffee" scenario are not likely. Which is a plus because who knows how I would react.

I went out with HotttGirl last Saturday. Sunday I could think about nothing but her. Monday... all her. Tuesday... all her. It was disrupting sleep. It was sick. I was haunting MySpace waiting for messages... waiting for IM's.... something! I just wanted to know if she'd enjoyed Saturday. Did I disapoint her? Did she still like me? Would she still flirt with me online? What was going on?!?!? By Wednesday I was almost angry... not angry at her per se, but angry that she had disrupted my being. By Thursday I thought I was getting over it... or at least enough of my sanity was returning.

She had been sending notes all this time - they just weren't as flirty as they had been. Or they were just answers to questions or references to conversations we'd had. They weren't long. They weren't ... promising. They just were.

But then Thursday, when sanity was returning, she sent a note that said, "If I had met you before my husband... hmmmmm.... sorry that was random." WHAT THE FUCK??? I was all at once thrilled... and broken. But it was Thursday... and sanity was returning. Had it been Wednesday, I would have thrown something. Tuesday, Monday or Sunday... I don't know what would have become of me. But with some sanity came my usual standard "insecure and pretending to be funny because I'm playing dumb" humor and I just wrote back, "Well, there's always that bitter divorce to look forward to!" And I was happy. She wrote back, "I'll cross my fingers." I wrote back, "I'll cross my eyes and toes and whatever else I can. WHATEVER unavailable married lady! I'll just move on to some other women in the meantime." I was kidding, yet not. Serious, yet just joking. But I did feel better.

And then I signed on to the IM client we both use and she immediately started talking to me. (Sometimes she doesn't see me.. or isn't really there... but this time she did and was and WANTED to talk to me.) She seemed excited to see me online. She began talking about how she was stalking me and reading the profiles of my online friends. She changed her Display picture to pictures of me. I was getting high off of her attention again. She made suggestions like if we went to the mall with some other friend that he could just leave us 'laying on the floor in the center of the mall.' She again repeated that she sorta wished she'd met me before her husband. She asked me to come visit when her husband left for the army (I said I would if she promised not to pull any of her hijinks!) and even suggested that I should live with her when he leaves so she wouldn't have to be alone (I didn't respond to that one). And then she began sending me more naked pictures again. (Actually, all in all I think there are about 5. And none of them are really X-rated ... they're all just tasteful nudes with no gritty close-ups.)

So she got me... all over again! But still - if I don't see her, the better. And I've never really talked to her on the phone except for when we were planning our last Saturday meet up.

Today I IMed with her and she revealed that she'd just gotten her period. Which makes me think that she was in a weird emotional place on Thursday - leading her to be extra needy. And the IM conversations... they're so .... awkward. I mean, in person she seems intelligent and normal. And online she seems 15 ... doesn't talk about anything really intelligent... talks in "text speech" ... writing things like "Sw33t" instead of "sweet" and hasn't heard of things that I think are pretty much in the news. I just can't tell if she's smart or not. And I value intelligence... or at least I think I do. I mean, apart from ALL of the other baggage and drama... would I ever respect her?

And still she's constantly in my head...

It's getting Hottt in here!

And now the tale of the HotttGirl!

I'd mentioned her in a previous post but as I thought her story began and ended - I didn't even feel the proper need to give her a psuedonym. But as she's resurfaced - I will officially be naming her the "HotttGirl."

HotttGirl and I began corresponding on MySpace about five months ago. And I use the term "corresponding" loosely. In retrospect I'm not even sure where she came from. I think she added me. I think she began commenting on my blogs and on my page. In politeness, I commented on hers in return. Common interests were reflected in each other's profiles but not as many as my other "friends" on the site. She was pregnant when we "met" and already had one daughter who was almost a year old.

And as you may have guessed from her title - she was quite attractive. Attractive in the "way out of my league" type of attractive. Not to mention - MARRIED, a MOTHER and WITH CHILD. I assumed she was straight. My comments about her attractiveness were not flirtatious - they were meant more in a comforting/soothing sort of way since she'd posted worries about her husband going to a strip club and finding other women pretty. Generally, I believed she was feeling a little self-conscious due to her pregnancy and I was being nice.

She had her baby. We continued to correspond (not big long notes - just comments on each other's pages and blogs). Maybe 2-3 months into our "friendship" she revealed that she was bi. And not bi-curious, she'd actually had a 3 year relationship with a woman. I was actually shocked. Prior to this I hadn't even thought of her in that way - I was more feeling flattered that such a HotttGirl would even talk to me. (I don't have a lot of self-confidence myself.) But now things had changed! (And it's important to note - I've always been more attracted to bi-girls.)

She began telling me about how she missed breasts and about how boys' bodyparts were scary. She started giving me pet names and leaving "you're so cute" comments on my pictures and my page. SoUmYeah began referring to her as my "MySpace Girlfriend" (and made fun of her a little.. I'm guessing she was jealous) and I was a little giddy about the attention. Once I posted a picture of myself as a kid up on the site and she took it, photomanipulated it in Photoshop and made it the background picture on her page. She left it there for at least a couple of weeks - meanwhile I was letting all my other MySpace pals know that I had a Hottt stalker. :) Again - very flattered! But then she was a mom with two babies and she could have just liked the picture because it was a toddler picture. I didn't know. As I did mention in a previous post, we IM chatted and I came to the conclusion that she was very much in love with her husband and just liked me as sort of a little pet.

So she was confusing. I still liked the attention. I thought it ended there.

She invited me to her birthday party - I couldn't go. (Mainly it was because she lives about 2 hours from me and ... well I'm just shy.)

Then about two weeks ago she sent me a picture of herself topless. I was dumbfounded. I didn't know what to do with that. I mean, what does that mean??? She's 25 now - the picture was from when she was 18. She talked a little about how she wished she could look like that again. I answered that I'm sure that the "now" was better being that she "now" had a little more meat on her and I liked more meat. She told me she liked more meat as well... and I'm definitely a "more meat" girl. I didn't know if that was a hint or just an agreement.

Then I was online one day (I rarely IM ... I prefer more time to think about what I say) and we began chatting. [On a sidenote: I noticed that on the IM client she had changed her "headline" to "I love (my cute nickname)" ... (i.e. if my screenname had been "Sara Conner"... it would have read "I love Sara Connerbutt.") And it had obviously been that way since the last time we IMed... which was probably a month prior. Which means that EVERYONE she IMed in that time would have seen that headline.] I tried to avoid the subject of the topless photo but the conversation veered towards relationship topics. She revealed that she had had a 4 year relationship with a boyfriend DURING WHICH she also maintained the 3 year relationship with the girlfriend. (The boy had initially encouraged the hook-up with the girl, thinking of threesomes like boys do.) The girl was her best friend who'd had a crush on her and she loved her too. She loved them both. She kept both. And they hated each other. To give HotttGirl bravery credit - she was actually out as bi and had a lot of people not like her for her inability to choose and settle for one or the other. Eventually the boy left her for another girl and she was heartbroken by it and dumped her girl. Then she went through a small series of bad relationships before meeting her future husband and having her two children. (She sent me a link to the only existing picture of her ex-girlfriend on the Internet - which was of her back - and she was/is a larger, butchy girl. I'm not all that butchy, in my own opinion, but it could have been my back!)

And after telling me this tale she asked me how I was with kids. At this point you should insert the sound of screeching brakes into the story. WHAAATTT DOES THAT MEAN? I mean, it could have been just a curious question that she asked while staring at a kiddo... but after all that.... I read, "I miss having two relationships at once. I need a new girl in my life. Do you want to be a mom?"

I told her, truthfully, that I was fine with kids but it was Moms that I was terrified of. True.. but it sounds funnier in the situation.

I began talking about how I was due to meet two friends' babies in the next month, I was a little worried about it, etc. etc. blah, blah, blah, while I was mid-sentence she changed her "display picture" to yet another picture of her topless. I completely lost my train of thought. A bolder lesbian would have veered the conversation to hardcore cybersex by that point - but I'm not a bolder lesbian. I'm a "humena humena omigod I don't know how to handle that so I'll change the subject" lesbian. Which I did. She enjoyed my lost train of thought. I was now cycling the phrases, "Holy shit! Oh my God! Oh my holy shit!" in my head.

Then she asked me out. She said she'd come to me or we could meet in the middle and she'd bring a baby for me to "practice" on (since I was gonna meet new babies within the month). I freaked a little. I called her "dangerous" but she promised she wasn't. I agreed to meet. We said good night until later. (In retrospect I'm wondering if my "no" to her birthday party and my lack of regular IMing came across as "hard to get" and inspired her to pursue me more.)

I proceeded to rightly freak out! I asked some buddies for their thoughts and the consensus was that she was definitely hitting on me. I later began telling the tale to HmmHmmWow and at the very beginning when I mentioned that she'd sent me a note telling me she'd missed women's bodies - HmmHmmWow said, "Sara, That's an offer!" (And I never even got to the topless photo part!)

The next day HotttGirl posted a blog about how she and her husband were making arrangements for him to enter the army. Again I freaked - was she now turning up the heat on me because she was worried about her husband leaving, worried about being alone, worried about support for her children? Or maybe she was thinking, with him gone it would be opportune time for an affair.

But maybe, I thought, I worry too much. And she really just likes me as a friend. After all - she likes 'em butch... and I don't think I come off as butch. Maybe she just wants to TALK about other girls with me.

And then we met... and I was kinda hoping that she'd either look nothing like her hottt photos or be a psycho in person... or both. But, much to my chagrin, she was hotter, nice and normal. (I only hope that I didn't come off as the psycho.) Some of our day's conversations were normal. But occasionally she'd throw in info like, "I couldn't breastfeed because I have really sensitive nipples. But breastmilk is so much sweeter than formula. My husband really liked the taste." And then she'd confuse me again... I mean, did she want me to *think* about her sensitive nipples??? Regardless... I was starting to get really jealous of Mr. HotttGirl. She sent mixed messages like, "I think my husand's gay and he calls me a fag," followed by "but when we get it on I don't like to do it in front of the kids," to "sex with women is so much nicer," to "if we don't get deployed and moved as a family I think I'll move in with my parents." This is a young marriage... but not a troubled marriage. And she's obviously in love with him. It would be so much easier if he was gay. But the mention of how often he wants to "get it on" rules that out.

I spent the day dumbfounded. And came home obsessed. Our "date" (and I never did know whether to call it that or not... but she later referred to it as a " ;) date" in an e-mail) was on Saturday and I have NOT been able to get her out of my head. I've tried not to obsessively send her notes and e-mails... but I know I've sent too many already. And it's killing me that the notes she sends back aren't immediate... and aren't long. Essentially I'm really torn up over the matter. Intelligently I know "this is a bad scene to get mixed up in." Emotionally I think "am I even being invited to get mixed up in this?" And other than that... I've been having trouble sleeping because she's haunting my dreams. I've taken to writing long update posts on the blog just to give myself something other than her to think about. This girl could break my heart in a millisecond. She's already got me in her palm. And if she just wants a friend... she's gonna inspire months of bad poetry.

And so that's where things currently lay with her. My current thinking is from a song called "Advice" - "If you want that girl, you've got to leave her." So I'm doing my best to avoid MySpace, IMs and e-mails. So far it's been like 12 hours... including my full night of insomnia.

SoUmNo

I finally decided to end the "does she like me or not" drama with SoUmYeah. She e-mailed me, one last time, "we'll make out at your place." Or something like that. I e-mailed back, "Dude!! You have crossed into my 'friends' list and I just can't think of you that way!!" She responded, "Oh, I know. I was just teasing!"

Which made my heart soar.... until I told my straight friends.

And they said, "Oh that's totally what we say when a guy says that. It's not true. It's just to save face."

So damnit! But at least she now knows that she has no chance with me!

And then it got incestuous!

With the exception of my ex-girlfriend - all my friends are straight. So building a list of gay friends began on the Internet. Specifically, it began on Craigslist and MySpace.

I had found and added a few girls in the L.A. area to my friends list on MS. And then I answered a few ads on CL... which led to the profiles of more girls on MySpace. Some conversations ended there. Some continued.

Well the first girl I "hit it off" with and met in person for a date (my first date ever) was SoUmYeah - I met her on CL. We became, if you've read the previous entries, friends only. (Friends only in my book... I've never quite managed to figure out if she was hoping for more.)

SoUmYeah continued her adventures on CL and so did I.

I met HmmHmmWow on CL.

SoUmYeah met HikerLady - by responding to an add for a hiking buddy.

HmmHmmWow ALSO met HikerLady on CL.

SoUmYeah went on a hike with HikerLady and developed a crush on her... but couldn't quite determine whether or not she was into women. (She eventually determined that she was.)

HmmHmmWow met HikerLady... probably figured out that she was gay off the bat... hung out with her (went on dates???) but never hiked.

So ANYWAY - one night HmmHmmWow asked me to go out with her and her friends to a bar to check out a couple of singers. I was busy so I declined. HikerLady asked SoUmYeah to a bar to check out a couple of singers with her and some friends.

And thus HmmHmmWow and SoUmYeah MET each other.

I found out when SoUmYeah e-mailed me to tell me about the fun night she'd had at the mini-concert and there she'd met a girl named Glee... and wondered if it was possibly the same Glee that I'd recently mentioned. I was like "OMG You went to the same mini-concert I was supposed to go to!" And then she realized that she'd also just met the girl I was dating instead of her. And the girl I wanted to date instead of the girl I was dating. (Ya follow?) I freaked a LITTLE because I thought SoUmYeah would find HmmHmmWow odd. She claimed not to. (HmmHmmWow later wanted to know if SoUmYeah and I had had the "did you think she was cute?" conversation. We didn't. Rather, I asked SoUmYeah if HmmHmmWow was touchy with everybody... or if it was just me.)

I mean - CL and L.A. turn out to be a SMALL WORLD. Not to mention that HmmHmmWow was friends with/knew many of the L.A. girls on my MySpace profiles.

(Apparently the clubs and bars are out and MySpace is the new primary place to meet chicks.)

Later they all AGAIN met at another bar concert - again unplanned. But now SoUmYeah has added Glee and HmmHmmWow to her friends list on MySpace. And I have yet to go to a mini-concert with this new girl gang we seem to be forming.

More About The End

So somewhere in Date 4 or 5.... I can't remember which... HmmmHmmmWow asked me who, of her friends, I found the most attractive. I said, probably too quickly, the name of the friend I liked. (We'll call her "Glee" until a better name comes to me.) She said, "Hmmm...Hmmm...Wow. I didn't think people found Glee attractive." And I was like, "well they do."

So here's how it went down... before going out to meet HmmmHmmmWow's friends, I looked over her MySpace profile because I saw that some of the mentioned friends were on there. I read over several of the profile's and then found Glee's. Glee came off as intelligent, looked just like the type of girl I like, and had some common, namely literary, interests. I thought, "Damn. I like this girl!" So I sent her a message about something on her page. When I met her in person she answered my message but came off as a little scary... a little domineering... but damn she was just my type physically! The rest of the night was really ruined for HmmHmmWow because I now wanted Glee. (But Glee was scary... a little intimidating.)

But after I told HmmHmmWow, too quickly, that I found Glee attractive and after I told her that I didn't want to go out anymore ... I think her mind started plotting a way for Glee and I to hook up. Since she likes to act as protector and "mother" to her friends... of which I now was... instead of "potential wife."

But I digress.

What I really wanted to write about, since I promised myself I would - was a little more detail about the physical aspect of dating HmmHmmWow. Y'see... despite the fact that I didn't end up caring much for her personality (other than in a friends sort of way) I did find myself leering at her... staring at her breasts... checking out her ass... etc. Which is not really something that I'd experienced before. Maybe it was all the touching she was enforcing on me.. maybe that was her seduction method. But I really wanted to make out with her (if kissing could somehow be avoided) and possibly/probably more.

It was Date 3 when she sat on my bed, uninvited, and began to really talk about her sexual history. Of which there was a lot ... threesomes, BDSM parties, casual sex, sex with men, etc. This was not really a turn on... but then she convinced me to cuddle in the bed with her. And cuddling led her to climbing on top of me, running her fingers through my hair, holding me down while nibbling on my ears. She began talking about her strap-on and how she liked to be fucked with it. And how my submissiveness in this situation was really turning her on and making her want to fuck me with it - which is something she'd never done. (Now don't get me wrong - I wasn't exactly innocent in the situation - but I wasn't DOING anything - I was just letting her take control. I guess you can say I am or was being "the bottom.") She got herself into a strap-on fucking position and dry-humped me a little ... then lifted my legs up above her shoulders for a little more of a "this is what fucking you with a strap-on would look like" demonstration. I was turned on. She was turned on. I let her caress the skin on my stomach. I let her look to see what my bra looked like... but since it was my insecurity and innocence and inability to make a move myself that turned her on - she stopped at that. She didn't want to defile me JUST YET. The innocence aspect would work again and undoubtedly she went home and masturbated... like I did.

But the day after dates with HmmHmmWow I always thought, "I don't know if I like her. Well, I definitely don't want to settle." And we talked about that a lot. She would talk about this girl she sorta liked that started dating someone else. And she'd tell me that I was definitely in the "play" period of my life. I mean we'd talk about everyone else but the two of us.. we talked like conspiring friends. And then she'd pet me. It was all very confusing. And I just decided that friends we could maybe be... but lovers I didn't want to be.

The End of HmmHmmWow (?)

Lots to tell! So little interest... (or maybe there is).

Let's start with HmmmHmmmWow (and I'll break it into several posts so it doesn't get overwhelming).

We went on 5 Dates.

- Date 1 - Recap - We had dinner and saw a movie. Then we went back to her place where we talked (I talked a LOT) and she handpetted me.
- Date 2 - Recap - She made me dinner at her place then we went to WeHo bars to meet her friends. I talked a lot but shut up in the bar and was quiet around her friends. The transition was a little awkward but she accepted it. The problem - I found one of her friends WAYY attractive (one of my previous "worries") and then found it hard to think about HmmHmmWow.
- Date 3 - She came to my place. I made her dinner. Things got a little "interesting" when she turned the conversation towards sex. I played innocent and virginous and the most that happened was she sorta "hard cuddled" me and made out with my ears a little. We both got heated up and turned on... but I wouldn't let it go farther. And she was turned on by my innocence.
- Date 4 - I asked her to a dance as my date (where I warned her we wouldn't dance). I was thinking "tonight may be the night I allow a kiss and maybe make out with her." (Yes, I'm a prude.) After the dance I got a little nervous and decided we should see a movie instead of going straight back to one of our places. While we waited for the time, we browsed around a book store where she allowed me to wander off and looked at her own interests. This earned her points in her favor... until she found me and gave me a hug in the middle of the store because she needed that human affection. I'm not so into PDA and I don't really have AFFECTION for her so ... points against her. Then we watched the movie... which proved to be too much tension for her. She held on to me tightly and squirmed. Points against her. We went to her place afterwards and I made a point to sit on the couch (instead of the bed). She joined me - then laid out - then attempted to have me lay next to her... while I nervously steered all conversation AWAY from doing stuff. The points against her had really bugged me... to the point of grossing me out. I just wanted to leave and I finally escaped with nothing happening.
- Date 5 - Somewhere between Date 4 and 5 I had begun hanging out with NowEx a little more frequently. Things became a little confusing. I decided that we may be close to a reconciliation. With that in mind and the weird stuff from Date 4 - I decided that all I wanted from HmmHmmWow was a physical thing... and she obviously wanted a relationship.... and I was worried about doing something I would regret (should I get back together with NowEx). I decided it was time to cut off the relationship before anything further happened. So I took her to dinner... talked to her about how things were going with NowEx (this was somewhat normal because all of our talking relationship revolved around discussions about OTHER girls), and ended with the conclusion that I didn't want to see her anymore. I thought she'd take it better than she did - but she did still insist on "one last cuddle" during which she expressed her "upset" by pulling my hair, pinching me and slapping my hands. I let her... because I felt guilty. Was my point made - I'm not sure. She seemed to still have it in her head that she was my "maybe girl." But when she left - I was ecstatic. No more HmmmHmmmWow!

But the lingering problem.... I still found her friend waayyy attractive and SO my type.

E-Mail Repulsion and Other Inner Monologues

After Friday's date with HmmHmmWow I entered a phase of "Wow...What do I do now?" I guess I liked her. I could definitely see myself "making out" with her. Would it mean anything? Am I interested enough to date her? And how would that affect SoYeahUm? Do I tell her that I went on a date? I want to simply because it might give her the "back off a little" hint but I don't want to hurt her feelings. And if I make out with/fondle/kiss/etc. HmmHmmWow ... then what do I tell SoYeahUm? DO I tell SoYeahUm? I wouldn't want to offend her by suggesting that I would do stuff with HmmHmmWow but not her. But then that's the potential truth! And here I am stuck.

And I proceeded to tell a number of friends about the "hand petting" aspect of the date and not one person thought this was normal or a "lesbian thing to do" so I'm almost weirded out in retrospect.

The other thing, and I realize this is kind of stupid, is that I don't much care for HmmHmmWow's way of internet communication. SoYeahUm and I have a great e-mail conversation ability but HmmHmmWow's e-mails make me cringe a little. I don't know if its a new nervous thing with me or if there is some sort of inner repulsion thing going on that I should pay attention to.

SoYeahUm and I went to a group meeting on Sunday. The group is one that I'm a member of and invited SoYeahUm to - a group for lesbians. SoYeahUm defines herself as a bisexual but she came and shared and I might be getting a hint of her budding realization that she's just gay. But on the car ride there I told her that I'd been on a date. Actually I'd e-mailed it to her earlier with a little lie suggesting that I hadn't known it was going to be a date but it turned out to be. The car ride was just our first vocal discussion of it. Since I'd told her (via e-mail) I thought I'd spotted an ad from her on Craigslist seeking women. So she either took it well... or not well... or just realized that it was going nowhere with me other than friendship... or it wasn't a post from her (but I think it was). Our "vocal discussion" was a little awkward but not long and consisted of "so do you think you'll go out with her again?" And me saying, "Yeah I think so." After the group meeting we went out to dinner during which SoYeahUm threw out a lot of one-liner jabs at my behavior the night she got me drunk on wine. (OK she served wine... but I got myself drunk on it because I was freaked out that she wanted to make out with me.) AND APPARENTLY while she was walking me around the block to get me air she took my arm to steady me and I yelled "I DON'T KNOW YOU WELL ENOUGH!!" (I actually don't remember this.) Apparently this pissed her off (I didn't know it at the time) and she responded with coldness because she was thinking "Fuck you! Like I'm going to throw you against the wall and molest you?!" OK so maybe it pissed her off but maybe it also got my drunken message across (and it makes me giggle a little).

(If I updated daily maybe these posts wouldn't be so long.)

I also had an online chat with the Hottt girl and came to the conclusion that it was definitely not going anywhere. She was very into her husband and I am, as I initially concluded, just her little internet pet lesbian.

HmmHmmWow and I are going out tonight. She's going to take me to some West Hollywood establishments and (I think) dinner at her place. What I WANTED to say in my e-mail was something along the lines of "let's just hang at your place and see how far that takes us" but the smarter Sara said "Well I'm on a budget so what can we do for cheap?" So I think she's planning dinner at her place and then she's commited to saying some hello's at various WeHo bars (but she assures me that weirdness will be taken into account and we can leave at any time). My concern is that I've never actually been to any West Hollywood gay/lesbian bars so this will be my first time. And so, in no particular order, these are the thoughts running through my mind:

- Do I look good enough to go to a lesbian bar?
- If I look good enough, will I be hit on?
- If I'm hit on, what do I do?
- Am I with HmmHmmWow?
- Does this mean that I can't accept advances?
- What if I'm way into one of HmmHmmWow's friends?
- What if I'm hit on by one of HmmHmmWow's friends?
- What will HmmHmmWow's friends think of me?
- Can I afford this?
- Is this a friendly outing or are there intentions?
- Are they my intentions or HmmHmmWow's intentions?
- If there are intentions... am I ready for anything physical?
- I mean I have some standards about kissing... are they still valid or do I just pick and choose who these standards apply to?
- If something happens... does it MEAN something?
- Should I tell HmmHmmWow that I'm not ready for a relationship and just want a friendship... like I told SoUmmYeah??
- What if HmmHmmWow's friend's like me FOR HmmHmmWow and try to push us into something faster than we're ready for?
- If I go to WeHo bars with HmmHmmWow... this is like breaking my WeHo bar cherry and I will no longer have that as a weird sort of selling point.. my gaybar virginity. Do I want to save that for someone special? Or just someone who is NOT special so I can hit on or be hit on? And so then.. is HmmHmmWow special or NOT special??

Maybe I just need to stop thinking.

Another aspect is that when I'm nervous and meeting new people for the first time... I act a little tougher/butcher than I am really. And I know that HmmHmmWow is into "soft butches"... so she might be into me now but what about later when I'm more me? And am I into her... other than just physically? I mean I can sorta see some interest there.... but there is a slightly frightening aspect to the way she talks.

Last night HmmHmmWow called me... out of the blue... just to chat. (Did I mention that I HATE talking on the phone!?!) Maybe to prep for tonight but I lost the call in the middle and don't know how it was supposed to end. HmmHmmWow was again particularly giggly when talking to me which via phone was REALLY awkward as I heard a lot of PhhhPhhhPhhhPhhh sounds throughout the call. At one point my eyes bugged out a little and I thought WHAT THE FUCK AM I GETTING MYSELF INTO? Is she just nervous? Or is she a psycho laugher?? Will she do this ALWAYS?? (Cuz its really kinda freaky.) And there were, of course, a lot of "Hmmm Hmmm Wow"s. I almost e-mailed SoYeahUm to ask "How do I get myself out of this??"

So now I'm even more confused... still going out with HmmHmmWow tonight.... and now worried about all the above on top of the "is she a little freaky?"

And I'm wondering... what are these girls saying about me?? Cuz I'm definitely a little freaky myself.

I have this theory that everybody has a bit of a "slutty" period in there life and I'm wondering, "Am I entering my slutty period?" And my other thought is that NowEx and I are still, technically, "separated" and we're "supposed to" be trying out other people... but not necessarily other relationships. So should I purposely be trying to get as much physical action as I can? I don't know! I don't think I'm the type of girl you have one night stands with... I think I'm the type that you fall in love with. I'm just too damn charming for my own good! ;)

SoYeahUmHmmHmmWow

Things with "SoYeahUm" (as I will now refer to her) have been progressing. We've now been on several "outings" and I think I must give in to the idea that we are going on dates. We've seen several movies. I've been to her apartment several times. We've had a few short phone conversations. The awkwardness is still there, however, as I still don't feel a physical attraction to her. She continues to assert that we are just friends and will every now and then e-mail me or call me to tell me about some "hot girl" she saw at such and such a place BUT there's this pesky little thing she does now at almost the end of every outing. She e-mails me to say, "It was fun even if we didn't make out."

Which I would be inclined to take as a joke but now twice she has also tried to liquor me up while at her house. She's taken special care to ask what kind of alcohol I like and after learning that wine might make me more into "making out"... well then wine was what she served me after cooking a special meal for me.

She's also begun to suggest that she has some sort of feelings towards me. After a weekend trip she wrote me to tell me that she missed me. Things got a little awkward when I refused to say it back.

Meanwhile, there's a very pretty girl on one of my social networking sites that has taken to treating me like a little pet - giving me nicknames and telling me how cute I am and how she loves me on my comment pages. I love the attention and the girl is hotttt so I'm especially flattered but I don't know how to take it. Shall I respond with serious interest or continue to *think* that she's just enjoying me as a character? And, really, can I take it seriously? First of all - she's just sooo pretty and thus completely out of my league. Secondly, she's married and has two infant children. So obviously (though she's bi and tells me that she misses breasts incredibly) there's no serious interest, yes? But I'm still not sure how to react. So until she blatantly invites me over for a one night stand... I will continue to act like I know she's kidding. And SoYeahUm is showing signs of jealousy and talking about telling the internet girl off for paying me so much attention. How can I be like "Hey, SoYeahUm... back the fuck off! But will you still be my friend?"

And back on the ranch, NowEx and I saw each other a few times and the evenings were really sweet. I went as far as to tell some people that we were "dating" but then things turned a little sour. Yesterday we had a conversation about just not going out with each other anymore. We even decided that our friends should be notified that neither one of us really want to go out if the other will be there. And though it sounded bad... the conversation still ended well.

In a moment of frustration with SoYeahUm and after the "we won't see each other anymore for a while" conversation with NowEx, I decided to schedule a date with another CL girl. I'd sent her a note and then, after seeing her picture, kinda stopped writing her. With SoYeahUm sending me notes about missing me and making out... I got a little freaked and re-started the conversation with the new girl. She decided to ask me out for a Friday night date. I was a little surprised at the quick and suddeness but accepted it.

I didn't tell SoYeahUm or NowEx and I went out for dinner and a movie with the new girl (who I shall now call "HmmHmmWow"). I was kicking myself for the sudden date and vowing to simply not date anymore for the time being but it turned out well and she was much more attractive than her photo. HmmHmmWow was actually a bit shorter than me, a bit older and very giggly. (SoYeahUm was very giggly on our first date too... so I'm now wondering if I have that affect on girls.) Still with no proper knowledge of dating etiquette I followed her back to her apartment (we'd walked to our outings) and she invited me in. We ended up talking for hours at her kitchen table about relationships and whatnot. At about hour 2 of our conversation she asked if she could hold my hand. I found this COMPLETELY odd but she assured me that it was a lesbian thing to do so I accepted it. She was amazed with the fact that I've been pretty much in one solid lesbian relationship or another since 16 years old but had never really been to West Hollywood or its gay/lesbian establishments so I figured, with her WeHo experience, that she should be the one to introduce me to some of the L.A. lesbian culture. And apparently lesbian friendly connection begins with hand-holding. (Is this true???) So while we continued to talk she spent the time holding, petting and caressing my hand. I was really weirded out but attempted to not shake or produce palm-sweat during the entire encounter. At about 12:30 she took my other hand and spent time on both of my handly appendages. I was trapped, hands both being held, in her studio apartment staring at the big bed...

And nothing happened but we had an odd "do we kiss or cheek kiss or hug or handshake?" moment before she gave me a long lingering hug after she walked me to the car and I made the now standard weirded out odd comment "You were comfortable."

Date 1 with HmmHmmWow was much better than Date 1 with SoYeahUm on the whole. I found myself picturing our potential life together, we'd fit comfortable together, our views on sex are similar, I found her attractive, she was a petter, she gave good hug... and our garden would be excellent (she introduced me to her plants).

But now that I'm officially a "dater" I also find myself entering a weird sort of Seinfeld-like existence. When I describe the date to my friends I'll have to describe her as the "hand petter"... or maybe describe the slightly annoying (which when we fall in love will be the slightly precious until we hate each other and then it will become the REALLY annoying again) way she has of repeating "Hmm" three times or "Yeah" three times or ... you get the point.

So now I'm a date juggler I guess. And maybe I won't give up on dating just yet.

Movin'

I'm thinking of moving this blog over to LiveJournal! For the time being it will exist in both places: http://www.livejournal.com/users/refriedlesbean/

Careful What You Wish For

Feeling slightly "in the mood" I posted again on Craigslist. Knowing full well that no woman ever responds to a call to arms in the Women Seeking Women section - I posted a notice in the "Casual Encounters" section hoping for a few e-mails that might last me the night. MAYBE... if I was feeling frisky... I'd try an IM conversation.

Well responses were low and I wasn't entirely satisfied so I turned on the old messenger linked to my wonderful fake e-mail address that sorts through all my odd CL posts. I started receiving IMs from a guy who claimed to like boys and girls and who seemed like a generally friendly guy. After a few minutes of chatting we realized that we didn't live far from each other. He asked if I wanted to hang out at a safe mutual destination. I waffled for a good 30-40 minutes and then decided to be BOLD (against better judgement). I was awake. It was very early in the morning. We were both bored.

Though I'm horrible at social interaction and bad at conversation in general - he promised that he was a very social guy and would do all the talking.

Well sometimes better judgement should be listened to. Or I should at lease take into consideration WHAT I posted before accepting any invitations. I had posted my physical stats. I had posted that I "liked porn."

So I got to our meeting place (a dark parking lot near a 24 hour establishment... what the fuck was I thinking?) and met the guy. At first he seemed nice - a cute cuddly kind of guy. He gave me a hug and a sweet smile.

But then it turned south. Having no real "guy" friends in my life I was surprised when he started so off-handedly talking about "cock" and "I responded because of your D titties." I tried to play it off as if this was normal conversation. As if I had totally expected this type of conversation (after all... I had posted in the "casual encounters" section)! He asked to see my tattoo and offered to show me anything of his. I declined the offer but my tattoo is an a harmless location so I showed it to him. He touched it. I didn't freak out but felt that I should have. Later he was like, "You do have D titties! Can I touch them?" (He was already beginning an attempt at a squeeze.) To his benefit - he stopped when I said no. After about 15 minutes of awkward conversation (on my part... his conversations about porn and "do you eat a lot of pussy" and "are you shaved" were plentiful) I made to make my exit. And he said, "You don't want to watch me masturbate?" Umm no. "Ahhh... but I wanted to cum on you."

Thank God I'm smart enough to use a fake e-mail address.

I think it was his casual "NSA discreet hook-ups" approach to it all that really turned my stomach. Had it been one of the guys that I'm feeling out and have been feeling out for a couple of months via e-mail prior to our first meetings for "friend" potential... I don't know if the offer to witness self-gratification would have been so unwelcome.

In the meantime - I'll be a bit more careful about what I wish for.

(Though I have to admit... his saying that he would "tap that" in reference to me was a slight esteem builder.)

Huntin'

Following up - I did go on Friendster and looked at the detail of my first love's profile. She looks so happy with her husband and her son... who looks just like her. I find that slightly eerie. I did end up sending her a note. She responded and her response reminded me how dangerous it is to talk to her. She just has such a casual way of hurting me without even realizing that she can. The feelings for me are still there and I still get so upset when thinking about all of the lovers she's had since me and the life she has now.

The particular Craigslist guy who I had the brief "making love" fantasy about... sent me a more recent picture and he's much older than originally portrayed. I'm a little grossed out now.

I have since been on several outings with the Craigslist girl who I decided not to "date." Second outing was OK if not a little awkward. We hugged at the end. We went out again last night - she didn't even offer to walk me to my car or hug me... which I found weird. Now I'm wondering if she's mad or relieved or just preoccupied. We have remained in constant contact via e-mail though. I've suggested that we have a face-to-face meal. (Our first was on a bench - side to side. Our second outing, a movie. Our third outing, another movie and ice cream. We did sit in a booth while eating our ice cream and I noticed that she couldn't hold eye contact with me. Is it me? Is it her?... I'm weirded out. Making new friends is weird.)

Last night she proposed the following pact - "Sara - let's promise that if we ever answer each other's Craigslist add - the other one of us will just not respond." This makes me wonder - has she already found one of my more risque proposals online? Now I sort of want to hunt for hers.

Entree

Yesterday I sent her an e-mail asking if we could subtract the romance from the friendship. I cited my "recent breakup" and she told me that it was OK. We could just be friends. She said she'd tried to take it personally but just couldn't. (Thank goodness!)

But I'm still worried that she's attracted to me. Still worried that we'll go out, as friends, again and she'll develop more of an interest. That no matter what I feel or what she says... she'll fall for me anyway. Ego much Sara?

This morning I lay in bed and began to fantasize about making love to one of the "guy date" men. (I haven't met any of them in real life.) This one particular guy sparked that imagery - why, I don't know. But while I was envisioning nude cuddling I feel asleep and the guy became my first love in a post-coital spoon.

We dressed then and were "caught" by members of her household (no one I knew in real life) and as I left a girl whispered to the first love, "But she's so femme!"

This made me smile (as I'm not femme but pleased that new decisions to wear body-flattering clothing are adding a dash of "woman" to myself) and continued to bring a smile to my face for half the day.

In the afternoon I picked up my now-ex from the airport. The last time we'd seen each other I'd been happy to realize that her negativity annoyed me and that she looked a little worse for wear. Today, however, she was pleasant. I took her back to her parents' house (where she's staying) and she filled me in about more of her trip. I found myself looking at her ... wanting to grab a hold of her and just hug and hug and take in her scents ... wanting to kiss her and maybe more. This friendship will never work. How can it?

My friends have been telling me not to talk to her. Not to see her. To cut off all contact to bring it to it's proper end. But how can I do this? I know I don't want to be in that relationship. But the cuddling connection is soo hard to sever.

I left. I wanted a hug goodbye but knew it was going to be dangerous so I didn't even request one. I know I'm the type of girl that will string her along. Really the point of me not seeing her, in reality, is to set her free.

That night I went out with a friend who told me that my first love had sent her a note on Friendster. She showed it to me... the note included a photo which is new because her account had previously "existed" but without activity and without pictures.

Now I'm wondering if I should go on Friendster and send her a note. But that's a whole nutha novel! That woman - who still holds a portion of my soul - is now married and has a son. But I wish I could tear apart that relationship and posses her again. Yet, I know I don't really "like" her.

Drama. It's what's for dinner.

And so it was a date after all!

We agreed that I would meet her at her place and then we would drive together to the event (not very far from her home).

I arrived and found her waiting on the sidewalk for me. Why? I'm not sure if I was late (I was well within the 30 minutes she gave me to arrive) or if she was just trying to be helpful so I wouldn't miss her place or ... something devious....

Regardless - she looked better in person than in her pictures but I can't say that I was attracted to her. In fact, my immediate thought was, "Oh good... I can still be single for a while!" And I didn't have to worry about those "making out" teases that she'd sent in e-mail form.

We entered her car and I found myself immediately able to talk to her. Usually, if somebody intimidates me in the slightest I clam up, my voice changes a slight octave... and I'm just generally not that interesting. But my voice was fine... the conversation kept coming.. and she kept giggling. I couldn't determine if she was a natural giggler or if it was some sort of nervous giggling.

We got to our event, parked, got our food and waited for doors to open. It was clear to me that this chick would make a great friend and I decided to play the evening as 'potential great friends' but every once in a while she would throw in something about my pretty eyes or "well I'm glad you didn't get that job out of state because then we wouldn't have met." I tried to continue to play it as 'potential great friends' but those little one liners would weird me out. I wonder if it was clear that I wasn't returning those lines.

During the show I started to get a stomach ache and thought to myself, "This is a great excuse for me to use if I need to." I didn't want the excuse to come up suddenly and seem like a fictional excuse so I occasionally put my hand on my stomach and made a face and hoped she'd notice.

We watched our show. We left the parking lot and continued our conversation.

I told her about my relationships (the 3 girls) and she did seem a bit shocked that I'd only been physically away from my now-ex for about 3 weeks. (Note to self: Good excuse for excusing myself from future interactions. The "It's just too soon!" excuse.) I asked her to tell me about her relationship history. This was a mistake, in retrospect, because it probably sounded like I was interested in her romantic history for my own romantic reasons... but I'm just nosey.

She told me that she'd never actually had a relationship with anyone - just dates and sex. I didn't really know how to respond to this... so there was some awkward silence. When we later got to her parking lot she said, "Do you think I'm a tramp?" I assured her that no, I didn't think she was a tramp. Had she asked me if I thought she was sad and lonely.... I'm not sure how I would have responded.

At the arrival to her parking lot she said something that additionally made my heart leap... she said, "I'll walk you to your car." Which meant THANK GOODNESS... NO AWKWARD MOMENTS ALONE WITH HER IN HER APARTMENT!!

She did walk me to my car. And then we gave each other a good-bye hug. And then before I knew what the hell was going on- she kissed me. And that was when I finally knew, 100%, that we'd been on a date.

Now, dear reader, you might remember that in my past history - I ONLY kiss someone when I'm in love with them. In fact, one of the 3 girls I dated never got to kissing stage. In this way I'm like a Julia Roberts prostitute, "Do anything you want - just no kissing on the lips!"

So... I was weirded out. Tried to play it off. Said something stupid (!!) - "Let's do this again. We click!" Went home, now slightly nauseous (from stomach ache and weirded-outedness), and brushed my lips.

Now the question is... how can I go out with this chick again (remember, we got along great, I could talk to her, we were "potential great friends") and also say "but I'm not interested in you romantically so can we just subtract that from the equation?"

I suppose I could just say that .... but I'm too nice in real life!! Damnit!

Beyond my interest in potential men to play with... there were 4 Women Seeking Women posts that I responded TO.

Response 1: Found a girl who's profile I'd seen on MySpace before. She's somewhat attractive. Not butch. And continued to write me after seeing my profile.

Response 2: Interesting post regarding a 28 year old woman, only a year in L.A., who's bi-sexual and interested in meeting friends and maybe more if it leads there. I respond - give her the internet link for profile and pix. She thinks I'm cute and that my profile is great. I see her picture. She's not "my type" but she is the "type that I date." We begin to correspond.

Response 3: Vampire Girl seeks Goth girl. I'm not goth (but interested in the concept). I respond with picture/profile. She responds with picture/profile. She appears to be way too dark/scary/SOCIAL for me. I don't respond.

Response 4: Great post on CL. I respond with profile/pic. She responds with profile/pic. I don't find her the slightest bit attractive.... but damn..... she's written good conversational material in her response. I haven't responded yet but I still need to. But I don't want to lead her on....


Now back to Response 2 - we're corresponding now several times a day, beginning to e-mail flirt and she asks me to go see a cultural event with her. Now I'm totally freaked out because (read the little headline for the blog) - I'm antisocial! I really should have thought of this before!!
Additionally... I'm not clear on whether this is a date or just an outing with a new friend. What do I do? I've never been on a date before. The girls I've dated (the 3 girls) were all girls I knew from seeing every day at school and knew them each for 3 years before dating them. So we never went out on dates, really, we just started dating.

Meanwhile... the guys continue to e-mail me and I continue to be distracted by potential romance with Response Girl 2 and don't write back.

Now the other thing I worry about (this is all easy to think about and do while now-ex is out of the country for 2 weeks) is "What if I do like this girl and fall in love? I've only been friggin' 'physically' single and somewhat independent for about 3 weeks. What a waste of "single."

My second post to Craigslist was due to being particularly "in the mood" and curious and feeling a bit independent and free. (I spent two weeks housesitting, alone, in Duarte.)

I posted in the Casual Encounters section saying essentially, "I'm a curious lesbian who fantasizes about being eaten out by a guy." I received at least 100 IMMEDIATE replies.

My third post to Craigslist was posted in the "Women Seeking Men" section. I wrote out a well-written request seeking plain ol' "guy friends." I received another 50 replies.

My mistake was sending both anonymous e-mails to the same address and, if the subject didn't specify, not knowing which guy was responding to which ad.

Sorting through these posts became a full time job. I finally deleted a number of the Casual Encounter replies and responded to maybe 20 guys telling them they'd made it to Round 2. Around this time I started to realize that the guys I was moving on were the guys that were somewhat sweet and caring and interesting with their responses. Don't get me wrong, I got plenty of hard-core "Let me suck it tonight" e-mails but those got deleted. The guys offering time to get to know them and lots of options to back out were the guys that moved forward. They were also the guys that I found friendly.

Meanwhile the ones that responded to the "Guy Friends" ad were interesting but I wasn't starting off with the straight-forward admission that I was open to being a little more ... intimate.

So I created Craigslist post 4 - which was "lesbian seeks non-threatening guy friends for potential cuddling and intimacy." This time I had the responses sent directly to an pseudonym e-mail address. I received another 100 semi-IMMEDIATE responses and spent another few days sorting through that.

At the end of this - there are about 5 guys that I would like to meet. (And one or two that I would like to keep on hold for any future particular interest in some sort of "no strings attached" encounter.)

Yes - I am a lesbian. But I'm 26 and I've never seen a penis close-up... never had some of that heterosexual intercourse and I'm CURIOUS. So sue me.

My first post with Craigslist was a simple and honest request for a "seeks same" girl in the Women seeking Women section. I received two responses. Girl 1 said all the right things, responded to my post's request line by line and added her own information. It was clear we were perfect matches with the exception that she stated she was a "dancer." I figured this meant she was fit and leanly muscled... something that doesn't really draw my eye. But what the hell, her e-mail was wonderful - I responded and sent her the link to my MySpace profile where she could view my pictures and more about me.

She never wrote back.

Girl 2 also responded to my post with a lot of interesting information. However.... it was clear to me that I was not interested. But not knowing how to respond I wrote back, politely, and again sent the link to my MySpace profile. She responded and sent me her picture. A) She was FAR too butch for me. B) She was hispanic and I really am not attracted to anyone outside of my race. Sounds like crap but it's true. SO I continued to politely e-mail but didn't play up any potential romantic interest.

Girl 2 has somehow found my mobile phone on a MSN messenger list and has been sending me IMs on my phone. This is slightly scary. Mostly I'm wondering how the hell to tell her to stop doing that without being rude.

Last Week

Last week was our "last week." We spent it in anger and sadness as we packed up our life together and put most of it in storage. We did, early on in the week, submit to our equal fertile moods and had our last sexual encounter.

We talked about it first, discussed whether it should be private masturbation, mutual masturbation or a 2 partner participation, chose to proceed and agreed that we could each handle it as a "means nothing" event and then we made out.

I feel/felt nothing when I kissed her. It used to be a rule of mine (way back in the beginning of my dating career with her... back in high school) that I would not kiss someone unless I was in love with them. I wished I could pull out this rule again but that would have killed the mood. I really got nothing out of it and it made me uncomfortable.

In the end she wouldn't let me "enter" which angered me considering we'd discussed it and ruled out masturbation. And I made the constant mistake that I always made by letting her complete before me. (This is a mistake because she gets goofy after orgasm and kills the mood.)

Then the week continued with lots of aforementioned sadness and anger and continued cuddling.

Sunday was our last full day together and our "divorce" finally hit me when she drove away that night and I realized that I had no idea when I'd see her again.

I was sad. And I was sad on Monday. And then on Monday night I posted a personal ad on Craigslist and received a few responses already.

Suddenly I'm not sure if I'm still sad or really into this feeling of independence.

Meanwhile... I have no place to live yet (other than a bed at my parents' house) and that's a little scary.

Stupid

Now-ex had been flirting with a boy at work. An engaged boy. A boy whom she assumed was "safe" and fun to fake-flirt with because A) he was an engaged boy and B) he knew she was/has been dating a woman (and she never shared with him the suggestion that she might date a guy).

She enjoyed his company. They started hanging out more. Her boss warned her that he might be taking it differently than her. I warned her that her play-flirting is not often understood as play-flirting.

Nevertheless, she assumed she was in control of the situation and two weeks ago she attended his birthday drinking fest. The other co-workers at the gathering left as Now-Ex arrived - she was to be drunk co-worker boy's ride home. Well... apparently he took advantage of his inebriated situation and told her he loved her and then kissed her repeatedly every time she got close enough. (She claims it was a loud bar and he kept gesturing like he was going to say something so she'd lean in to hear and he'd kiss her instead... though she kept turning and he kept getting hair or cheek or chin.)

Well she came home feeling "unsafe" and "betrayed" and wouldn't talk about it with anyone for days. He harassed her the entire next day by calling twice an hour (supposedly to apologize). I, of course, was NOT allowed to know at all which was a killer because I wanted to be supportive but knew that I'd go into some sort of jealous rage if I found out. Eventually (obviously) I did but it had died down and she's now attempting to be friends with him again. (Though she still feels that he killed the friendship they had and now everything is touchy.)

Times of Your Month

Sometimes things can get confusing based solely on the lesbian's body clock. Especially when its synchronized with someone else's. Sometimes it's great. Sometime's it's drama.

In the years (five) that my now-ex and I have been dating - I don't beleve we've ever synchronized body clocks in the especially great way. (And by this I mean, matching fertile days with fertile days..... read "horny" days.)

Sure - she can work with a female boss for a week and match up with her but she and I have always remained off-kilter.

Well in our normal off-kilter manner she spent the last week going through a PMS depression fest while I remained calm. This was followed by my own depression fest and emotional breakdown over the weekend. After she spent the night out with a mutual friend and didn't return until 5am - I panicked for her safety. She, in turn, decided not to tell me what events transpired at the bar she was at based on "principle." Having only previously been worried about the mutual friend and alcohol consumption I was now taken suddenly aback with the suggestion that promiscuous events had transpired. (Now-ex is a mysterious gal. I was her "first" but then she dated a guy...then a girl...then me again. Whether she'll go for guy or girl when single is really questionable.) (She was at an Irish pub... so I wasn't horribly worried but bars CLOSE AT 2. Where the fuck was she from 2 to 4 when she headed home??)

I went into an emotional tailspin... worried about mutual friends keeping secrets from me... worried about what now-ex had done.... feeling like I'd been cheated on and not rightly so. I declared, with heart breaking, that she was NOT allowed to do this again as long as we still lived together (which is to be about two weeks more). Finally, after an hour or so of emotional vomit (and at some point dragging her into the cry-fest) she finally, unintentionally, revealed that nothing had happened between her and anyone. I don't know if it was a lie or not but it cleared up the thick layers of betrayal-feelings.

Ever since - we've been closer. She threw me a mini-celebration for a job interview I had. We've been cuddling more. This is actually bad news for the breakup. We won't be good as friends if we (I) can't stop touching each other.

And now (and especially now after watching a lesbian-themed movie and reading some suggestive "fanfiction") I'm in my fertile time-period and looking at her like I just should not! It's times like these that I need a "booty call" friend. (And gods help me - do NOT let me make now-ex into my booty call friend because that only leads to drama drama drama.)

Hells

This weekend I went to a family reunion which my now-ex was originally scheduled to attend. However, my now-ex's boss gave her a shit-hard time on Friday when she found out she was going. I hate now-ex's boss because she is yet one of the other people I blame for the loss of my comfy relationship... she put ideas in my now-ex's head I think... and was just generally never on my side because she just couldn't understand socially inept people. Anyway... she made some shitty comments to now-ex about "why are you going? are you going to beg for her back?"

I found out later that my now-ex went on a 5 mile walk at 10pm out of depression after her work day on Friday.

Without knowing about either event, I made sure that now-ex did join me at the hotel on Saturday because I was bored and had nothing to do (because she was supposed to be there ... we were supposed to be hanging out in the city area because the reunion part wasn't until Sunday but I was already in the hotel). Missing her ... and her missing me... we ended up hugging when alone in the room together and hugging led to a little peck on the lips. Bad bad bad!

She left shortly after, I continued with my day and my Sunday and returned Sunday night. We spent that evening, Monday evening and the whole day today together and .... everything's confused now. We had another little incident of peck-kissing yesterday.

The thing is - she was the one that initiated the break-up. I'm just trying to maintain it because I really don't think we've ever really been that compatible and REALLY... I'm not good for her. I hold her back. The break-up works when she keeps up with the "I don't know what my feelings for you are..." but it gets fuzzy when she gets sad and depressed about our breakup because I can't stand to see her sad.

The saddest part is that I feel nothing when I hold her or kiss her... other than comfy person and comfy skin. I can probably find comfy people elsewhere. There's NEVER really been any passion (on my side) in the relationship... and we suffered from our lesbian bed death a while ago. And she was never that into sex to begin with. She's asexual... and I can't stand it.

So I can grasp at the straws she's giving me and fix this relationship, not move, and be stuck in the same ol' repeating patterns of our dead-end relationship... or I can GET OUT!!! It seems like an obvious choice but somehow I always get sucked back in to the comfy and safe.

Chicken a la Queen

When my girlfriend and I moved into our apartment we bought a bed for me for appearances. There were people we weren't "out" with, people who just wouldn't accept it if we were and people we just didn't care to have the conversation with.

So since there was not enough space for two beds and at least one desk in our one bedroom apartment we bought me a lofted twin bed - a "Gulliver" from Ikea - with a built in desk underneath for my computer.



When we moved into our two bedroom (one floor up) the bed was put in the room which was "my" room. We still slept together in the Queen however.

Now the thing is - if anybody thought about it - there was no way I would have ever slept in the Gulliver because I'm uncomfortable with heights. Also - the ceiling is not much farther up from the bed. (We later had a house guest who slept in the bed, woke up and sat up with a jerk - hitting her head on the ceiling and ending up with a small scab right smack in the middle of her forehead from the popcorn ceiling.)

Originally I had declared that if we ever broke up there was NO WAY she was kicking me out of the Queen - we would just have to put a divider between us or something.

This proved unrealistic when we actually separated. Up until a couple of weeks ago we were still sleeping together... mentally keeping ourselves "separated" and taking trips or housesitting... and then finally just giving in and cuddling. Then we had a "Come to Jesus" meeting and decided that this arrangement wasn't going to work so I had to figure something out.

So I moved my lovely pillow-top twin mattress off of the top of the Gulliver and onto the floor - where I would sleep. The first week I slept half there and half in the Queen.

Now we've weaned some more and I've spent the whole week on the mattress on the floor. This, by the way, is HORRIBLE. I didn't realize how important box springs (or thin boards - per the Gulliver) were! This arrangement is dreadfully uncomfortable. I hate it. I know, also, that the now-ex hates sleeping alone because she's cuddling with whatever large stuffed thing she can find.

And by mid-week we'll be giving our notice to the apartment managers letting them know that we'll be moving. ....

And it keeps feeling like we're playing this one big game of chicken... waiting to see who'll call who on the break-up-move-out-move-on bluff.

Mirrors

I hate to admit it but I do care about looks.

Now I don't have the same standards as others but I do care. For instance - I do not like skinny girls. I can't stand the "need a sandwich" look. I like my girls with some meat... not too much but just the right amount to make the girl A) soft, B) curvy, C)sometimes voluptuous and D) (yes) less attractive to potential rivals.

A weight range from 150-180 give or take a few pounds is PERFECT.

Then I like long hair - short hair turns me way off. And I prefer it brown.... but that's not a solid rule.

I don't like girls TOO feminine but I also don't like them TOO masculine. I'm right in the middle and I like them right in the middle also.... which usually means that I'm attracted, primarily, to bisexuals.

The trick I haven't figured out is what I should look like/dress like/act like to attract these 'in the middle' girls.

But in the mean time... I occasionally get "Gosh you're cute!" e-mails from girls on MySpace and my immediate reaction to some of them is "Who's this fugly sending me a note?" Then I feel bad. Then I feel worse because I only attract fugly.

Blabber

My now-ex girlfriend and I had a fun time tonight. For some reason or another she had a Dave & Buster's card filled with some points that she received because of some job meeting held there. Since we had nothing better to do after dinner at the mall - we decided to slip in and waste the points. After a few rigged games and barely enough tickets to make the cost of the card worthwhile (thankfully we didn't pay for it) - we came out with a hackysack ball.

Then we sat at some empty tables in the now closed mall and talked about splitting friends. We came to the conclusion that they sucked since not a one had called her to ask her how she was doing or offer support or anything after the announcement that our five year relationship was coming to a close. This really does blow and I'm honestly upset about it. At first she thought I was smirking ... I may have been because "our" friends had actually said to me at the first notice a month or so ago that I get them in the divorce. Good for me. Bad for the ex... who is still the best friend I have so that makes things odd. However the now-ex pointed out that I needed some odd/weird friends because odd/weird friends might actually treat me as "one of them" and take care of me... while the friends I do have are more likely to keep me as their odd/weird pet friend. YES... I know... confusing. The point is... I was feeling good about my friends choosing me and she managed to make me feel bad by making me feel like I wasn't really important to my friends.

At the same time I'm pissed that nobody seemed to give a rat's ass and call the now-ex. I mean hello? She's been there for you when you were sick, when you were sad, whenever you needed a hand. Frankly my now-ex is too good for them.

I pointed out that her problem seemed to be that these girls were my friends that I chose to surround myself with - cold, unfeeling people who wouldn't necessarily pry into my affairs because I was cold and unfeeling and shut off from the world - and they became her friends by default. They were never good enough for her.

Well in the end that seemed to cheer her up strangely and we ended up attempting to play hackysack in the mall. It ended when she kicked the foot bag over the wall of the Orange Julius kiosk and we were both too chicken to climb over the little door that separated us from it. Now-ex attempted to flag down a few guys and use her "feminine whiles" but to no avail. Good bye hackysack!

Now-Ex added two things to her list for next girlfriend or boyfriend: 1) Must be sporty (since I am not); 2) Must be brave (since I am not)

Welcome

Welcome to Refried Les Bean! This blog is new but I've been blogging for several months now. But there's always something that I find myself self-editing out of a post on my "normal" blog because I know who's going to read it (or I don't know who's going to read it).

You get the idea? I can't post about an ex because they all know the blog address. I can't post about any "encounters" I might have (cross your fingers) because of which friend might stumble across it. Etc. Etc. I'm sure you get the point.

Well... the goal of this little space is to chronicle the adventures of my new separation from my girlfriend and anything that might come of it.

Welcome stranger - I hope you enjoy!