Seconds

I've just set up the second "date" with Torrid. Now again, Torrid has a girlfriend and I'm really really really going to try to not confuse myself into thinking that there is something when there is nothing. I need some friends/hang out buddies/etc. that are fun to talk to, supportive and GAY. Most of my friends are straight. Well it so happened that I had an extra ticket to a big event and all of my friends were either busy or didn't want to go so I took a chance and invited Torrid. Her response was an overwhelming yes because the event sounded great to her.

Had I been Torrid's girlfriend - going to a gala event with a new single lesbian friend would NOT be okay. Not at all! But Torrid's woman seems to be fine with it. Or at least Torrid wants to go enough that even if her g/f didn't want her to ... it doesn't matter.

So we shall see! Hopefully our clicking friendship will continue during the awkwardness of having to dress up, meet up, mingle, go to the event and have dinner (??). Otherwise it will just be... well awkward.

I'm kinda giddy that she said yes... that's probably a bad sign.

Just as a simple update:

Just as a simple update:

L.A. Heather and I had a class together for a couple of days... and then she dropped it. Which totally blew my plan of showing off my mad skills as a student. But even though we no longer had the class - I still managed to run into her a bunch this last quarter. Usually I never see her. However been the doofus that I am I either said nothing and walked on past or hightailed it in the other direction. Eventually L.A. Heather picked up on this and asked me why I looked so horrified every time I saw her. Ha! I forget what I said but the real answer was "Because you're cute, I like you and you make me nervous."

Back on the infamous MySpace I met a girl (who found me). We'd exchanged some comments back and forth - nothing deep but she seemed cool. (She has a girlfriend so I refrained from flirting. I also refrained from flirting since she had no pictures up and really could have looked like anything.) (For the temp basis - I shall call her "Torrid".) So one day I login and receive a message from Torrid that she's decided to quit MySpace and here's her phone number. I wrote back, "Don't do that! I've only just started to talk to you and I'm never going to call you!" Well somewhere in there she got my phone number and swore she was a nice person and that she'd call me.

So last week she called and we had a nice chat and we setup a friend date for this last Saturday. She was going to bring her girlfriend and another friend but, thankfully, she had no entourage when I arrived. She turned out to be a well-educated red-head with a plus-size semi-goth appeal. In short - she was cool. I liked her. We ended up just talking for four or more hours and even carried our conversation to the market to do some shopping. During this chat she brought up that she and her girlfriend were "on different pages." And she told me all of her dramatic relationship history. And I caught her up on mine. She also told me that I was the first internet person that she ever wanted to meet in real life - I felt honored.

She called and commented the next day to tell me she had a fun time. :)

I had a good time too so I'm hoping this friendship grows and DOESN'T turn in to some horrible experience where I again pine for the unavailable chick. Meanwhile I've been overwhelming her with comments... probably scaring her and her girlfriend. :) What can I say... it's hard to connect with people and I'm still desperate for the teddy bear experience and I want it now now now. I'm a little impatient what with this gaping Franco-wound still in my chest.

And speaking of teddy bears - the CL girl I've been trying to arrange a meeting with for the teddy bear/shoulder to cry on hook-up has still not chosen a date.

I'm also now trying to arrange something with an older woman for a shoulder-massage exchange. That also seems to be getting postponed.

And the drama continues....

The preface to the following is that Franco went to a gay bar with her gay brother-in-law and called to tell me about how much fun she had. She told me about how the women there were completely unattractive but that she'd decided to strike up a conversation with one just to entertain herself. She began it by saying, "You have dark eyes just like this girl I dated." (I don't have dark eyes... this was strike one against her but I kept my mouth shut.) Then she proceeded to tell me that the stranger woman and her had a conversation about Franco's experience with me that went a little something like this:

Stranger Woman: Oh so you have dated a woman?
Franco: Yes.
Stranger Woman: And how was that for you?
Franco: Oh it was wonnnnnnnnddddeeeeeeerrful! But my husband didn't like it much.
Stranger Woman: Really? Why? He shouldn't be mad! It's not like you cheated.
Franco: I know! But he doesn't seem to agree.

Then Franco thought she'd probably impressed me with the retelling of this conversation and asked, "Aren't you glad I talked about you?"

Me: Honestly, no.
Franco: Why not?
Me: Because apparently you don't think you cheated on your husband with me.
Franco: Sara! Don't be like that.
Me: What? Apparently I don't count.

We hung up angry and then she stopped texting, e-mailing or calling. I didn't notice at first because I was still pissed that I was apparently a glitch in a marriage that didn't count as an affair even though she swore she loved me, temporarily moved out and called me her soulmate...

But by week three I noticed that she hadn't responded to any of my silly random e-mails and began to have a nervous breakdown... primarily because how dare SHE cut me off when she was the offensive ass in this case. One of my last desperate notes said something to the effect of, "Are you giving me the silent treatment?"

After nearly 3 weeks of silence from Franco I received the following note: "I am not giving you the silent treatment. My life is just so complicated and I am trying to get things straightened out. It's better for you to not have to deal with me. I only end up hurting you. I do miss you."

To which I replied: "I tried to convince myself that you just gave me up for Lent. It sucks to not be heard. It just drove me nuts to think that you'd cut me off without warning. Yes, it is better for you not to talk to me and you do only hurt me but ... just don't disappear like that. Especially when I know you're logging in and talking to other people. And when you have a history of just cutting communication off with people (Irritating Girl) when they get too complicated for you. It makes me feel like scum."

To which she replied (after a week): "I wasn't cutting you off. I just get so tired of it all, ya know? I feel like I can't tell you anything without you getting mad, but the problem is that I think of you as a best friend whom I can't tell anything to. What kind of a friend is that? I understand your side, I just wish you'd understand mine. Irritating Girl sent me an e-mail trying to mend fences but I didn't reply. Then she stalked me through MySpace (probably through you) and has sent me more e-mails. Lucky me. And you know why I cut off communication with Irritating Girl. It wasn't because things were getting too complicated. It was because I was so sick of her lectures. And I guess I was just sick of her. That has nothing to do with complications, it has more to do with personal taste. ... So I'm sorry I didn't reply for so long. I'm here. Just not here the way you want me to be."

And now I've just written this and my hand is still hovering over the "Send" button... : "So I wasn't really wrong though - you did cut me off because of me. I'm sorry I get mad but what do you expect? I told you I wouldn't be able to be your friend because it would hurt too much but you wanted me to try and I tried. I really did try. I do understand your side. I just also hate you for it. It's too hard to pretend that we're just friends. And of course it hurts worse that that's all you want. And EVEN worse that you have to try not to offend me with your lack of want because that just makes me the pathetic pining dog waiting for your scraps of affection to fall.

I suppose the best I can be for you at this point in my life is this e-mail semi-stranger. I don't want to lose you but I clearly can't handle being your best friend right now. Hearing you hurts. Getting texts from you kills me when they go away. The only real reason I hang on is because of some stupid shred of hope that I don't even want. Yet it lingers. I suppose it all comes back to self-inflicted pain. I like you so much because you make me feel so much. When I'm numb to you - I can be your friend. But God knows when that will be.

In the mean time... don't be a stranger. (I know I made it soooooooo appealing for you to continue talking to me, right?) (At least I can laugh at myself.)"

Disintegration

Updates have been lacking but what could I possibly tell you? It's been pretty much the same except that time has passed. And with time comes some ease around Franco (which, by the way, turns out to be just a dumb codename but for lack of a better one - it shall remain the same). I'm still hurt. I'm still a little angry. But the mass depression, the sleeplessness, the anxiety is for the most part gone. In its place is a degree of numbness but I still think of her every night and wake up thinking of her.

She's gotten a little easier with the communication with me though - she's arranged a couple of on the sly phone calls from her office, some instant messaging evenings, occasional emails and regular texts. She stops and then she starts. She goes through guilt and then cycles back to not caring. But we don't flirt. We don't do anything wrong. We just catch up and talk and ... well I try to flirt a little. I try to connect on that romantic level... but it's rather pathetic even though she is receptive.

Briefly some bad things were happening in her life. Her brother-in-law got in a car accident. Her father got diagnosed with cancer. And she thought these things were somehow karmically related to her affair. I told her she was being silly.. "Karma," I said, "wouldn't punish other people." Besides, we were honest with our souls so I don't believe we deserve karmic punishment.

And then her eyes started going fuzzy. We hoped it was just stress and too much reading on her part (she's in a class where she reads 2-3 books a week) but she went to check it out anyway. We already knew she had a bad eye that was potentially going to go blind one day and I prayed that it wouldn't be going bad. She went to the eye doctor - nothing. But he was concerned so he sent her to a different kind of doctor. They did tests and were disturbed by the results - there seemed to be something wrong with her brain. Thinking it might be a tumor she was rushed to have a cat scan. It came back negative but there was still something wrong so they did more and more tests. All the while she was worried. I was worried. I prayed. I cried. I worried... what if she had a brain tumor?!! What if she was dying?? What if she did go blind - our only communication now is through secret emails/texts/ims - what happens if she can no longer read them?

Well after a series of tests it did come back Friday that she has MS. Fuck.

My first worry is that she's going to come back at me and say, "Well this is happening to me. Now I really really believe I'm being punished." And I can't argue anymore. Right now I'm angry at fate. Angry at God. I'm feeling as if this thing is being done to us. To me.

Like the only thing that keeps me going somedays is that hope that maybe one day she will come back to me. Maybe after a divorce or maybe 30 years from now after her life has lived out with him. But now - she has a disease. A disease that, if she lives that long, will have her come back to me as a completely different and disabled person. And one of the things I read was about the sexual disfunctions of a person with MS - either they have too much with strangers (could her interest in me be only an early symptom?) or they can lose interest. So here's this girl that was exactly everything I wanted in a sexual companion - perfectly sexually compatible.... and if she ever does come back there's this chance she won't be interested. A small thing compared to the other things that could go wrong but I still feel like that would be one big huge cruel joke.

I don't know that I'd even be a big enough person to be able to handle a girlfriend with disease. Not like it's an option right now but these are the things that run through my head. What if she says "I'm not going to live the rest of my life as a lie" and she comes to me? Could I handle watching her disintegrate? Was our break-up a blessing in disguise?

But I still believe fate had a big hand in our meeting. And I don't think it was just to play a big joke on us so maybe there is a big lesson for me in this. Or something I can do that will help. Again... I can see the benefits that she gets out of having any kind of relationship with me but I don't see what I get. Again I feel like a pawn in the life of Franco.

And I'm just sad. And freaked out. And I don't know how to hold her hand when no one is holding mine. I tried to tell a local friend and her response was, "Good, I hope she dies!" I get that she's being protective but I still love this woman and I'm good and devastated right now. Or am I? Is it just a good story?

Knowing that I need a certain level of intimacy in my life right now... and knowing that I'm not getting it from my current friends (my own fault, I know, but still)... I've again put up an ad on Craigslist seeking "teddy bears." I've been regularly chatting with a woman and her male roommate to this end - maybe this time I won't chicken out and by the new year I'll actually have non-sexual relationships with people that I can just be cuddly with. I need hugs. I need shoulders to cry on.

The Anger Stage

Oh so much happens in such a short period of time.

Suffice it to say that I seem to have entered the "angry" period. Well actually I entered it and then I was in it and then ... now ... I don't know what I'm in now.

Since the last post -

- Franco got nicer, sending me a few unsolicited and "of her own volition" texts about how she missed her best friend. Each thing would last me a day but I always woke up with a new sadness/thought/anger.

- I woke up a week ago Saturday with the feeling "Shit. Franco keeps saying "in a perfect world I would be hers to hold forever." And I suddenly realize that in her 'perfect world' she'd get to have me AND her husband." After NOT contacting her all day I received a nice note from her about how I was her one of her only real friends and I proceeded to GO OFF on her with the above theory and certain other things I was angry/upset about. She didn't reply and I continued to text on a mad texting spree.... eventually I realized she wasn't there and after walking three "angry" laps around the park I calmed down and she returned. She revealed that after her texts she turns the phone off and leaves because she's "not supposed to be talking to me."

- Sunday I woke up with the fear that "SHE'S GOING TO GET PREGNANT!" I don't know why I had that thought but it was horrible and it enraged me. She often spoke of how she didn't want another baby because the one she has was really really difficult when he was younger and she really didn't think she could handle her husband and a baby again (because he was horrible at handling it). But suddenly I just thought "She's having all this make-up sex and she's going to forget to take her pill and end up pregnant and she's going to be further tied into this life and further and further away from me. Plus I just don't need that actual proof that all the sex is happening. I'll just die." So I texted her something stupid about how she better not get pregnant. I expected her to respond with something reassuring like, "You know I don't want another kid." But instead she wrote back, "Why?" Which was like a practical admission that she was already knocked up!! GRRRRR.

- Monday I didn't contact her until I drove by something that we'd discussed once. I sent her a note about how I'd driven by this landmark. Friendly. Short. Nothing else. And then I was in a meeting. And while in the meeting she called me! SHE CALLED ME! And I couldn't answer the damn phone because I was in this meeting! Well I told her that I couldn't talk but that the meeting was almost over so she said I could call her back. When I got out - I called - and it went direct to voicemail. About a half hour later I got a text from her saying that she was "overcome with guilt" and had turned off the phone. I was peeved but I told her to "try again" the next day.

- Tuesday I awoke to texts from her telling me that her husband had chewed her out for the texts she'd been sending to me so a phone call was out of the question and she couldn't text anymore either. I thought I was getting better but the prospect of her disappearing from my life completely was unbearable and I started begging her to not stop. Begging... pretty sad. And then I was angry again and texting harsher things. She finally revealed that, while I honestly thought that she'd chosen her husband because she was scared of what he had become and because of the life and family "peer pressure" that was all around her, instead something had "clicked" in her the day he was arrested. She'd led me to believe that she was going to end things with me for the moment so that she could settle things with him in a calmer manner. In reality, when he got arrested she saw in him the "man she fell in love with" and chose him because she realized how much she loved him. "Not because I don't love you but because I love him too," was what she said. And in that moment I guess I finally finally FINALLY realized that it was over and that she'd just said certain things to make me happy. In the end I asked her to please just call once to give me a fucking proper goodbye instead of this texting shit. She agreed to do it on her way home in the evening so I spent my day making a bullet-pointed list of things I wanted to say to her if this was going to be our last conversation.

- She called and she was COLD. She was bitchy. She said some pretty fucked up things like that rather than being also sad about our ended relationship, she was instead "relieved." RELIEVED??!?! I get it though - she was relieved that not talking to me meant she didn't have to lie about talking to me. Though recently she'd begun lying again because of the texts and she felt horribly guilty about it. She also said that her and her husband were back to the way they were right after they got married. Wonderful... a honeymoon period. I told her about how everything still had little remnants of her attached to it and that I was struggling to take back my power over little things and she said, "You've just got to move on." Fuck you! Move on??! I'm trying to fucking move on, you two-timing hussy of a bitch! Please pardon me for believing I meant something to you when you told me that I did at least 15 times a day before you just pulled it out from under me. She said we should have just left it at her saying goodbye on that day he got arrested.. but no, I said. I needed to hear you tell me these things. I needed to know that you weren't trapped in some life. I needed to know that you weren't working towards a separation anymore. I needed to know that you could care less about me. I needed to know it all because the past week was full of mixed messages like, "I showed my husband how much I loved him," followed by, "You are my soul mate!" In that portion of the conversation she admitted that she felt horrible for the messages containing the "brutal honesty" so she'd follow them up with nicer messages meant to make me feel better. Saying that effectively ripped all the nice things away from me as if they were lies to begin with. I was a mistake for her. She said that she'd never considered me a mistake... but it sure was/is the way she was/is treating me. She tried to claim that she was just too impulsive and should have thought things through but I said, "Bullshit! We talked and talked and talked it all through. When I met you I was trying to reconnect you with your husband. I didn't want to do this. You didn't want to do this. But we fell for each other. And we talked it all through. And we both knew what was happening and how it would probably end. And we tried to give each other up and stop talking to each three times but it never worked. So don't fucking tell me you were impulsive and didn't think about it!" The call ended when she got home... and without a proper "goodbye." I asked her to just circle the block once - she parked instead. Her husband wasn't home so I asked her to just say goodbye.. no one was around. No one was around for her entire ride home. Just say goodbye! And she refused .. she said she'd call me later to finish the conversation.

- I hung up sad... but also enraged. FUCK HER AND HER PUSSY OF WHORRY DOOM! I was pissed..PISSED!!! Very sad but also PISSED.

- Wednesday - I didn't talk to her. I was enraged. I told my friend, who UP UNTIL THAT POINT had been on the "she's just very confused" side of the court, about the phone call and she became a cheerleader for the "Fuck her and her vagina of doom" team. That night she called and I didn't answer, letting it go to voicemail. She said, "I just called to apologize for being a raging bitch yesterday. I just really don't know how to handle things and that's what I do... I back off. I also wanted to let you know that I cried last night." I didn't like it. The apology wasn't BIG enough. And so what that she cried... she could have stubbed her toe and cried. She didn't explain. It wasn't enough. I didn't call back.

- The funny thing was that my voicemail only holds saved messages for 14 days so when I called to retrieve the aforementioned message - my voicemail first informed me that it was about to delete an old saved message. It was from Franco.... telling me "I just called to tell you how lovely you are! I hope you're feeling better and I just want you to know that I love you very much!" That was from the day that led into the night of her husband breaking everything and getting arrested. 14 DAYS! Two weeks ago she was totally in love with me and 14 days later I was virtually forgotten.

- Thursday... I gave her nothing. I was still pissed. Talked with a few other people and was assured that no... I should not give her the time of day. If she asked if I got the message I should just say, "Yep," and leave it at that. But in the end I felt like not responding to her might just be too much of a "relief" so I sent her a very brief note just to say that 'I appreciate that you called to apologize."

- Friday... she stalked me on MySpace and noticed that I'd subtly mentioned her to HotttGirl in the comments box. She sent me an irritated little note saying that she didn't want me talking about her or getting comfort from HotttGirl. Basically... she was jealous. I said, "What the hell does it matter?" and told her also that I'd also just had a nice long 3 hour conversation with Texas Heather. We exchanged a couple of short notes and I tried to end it on a silly note because even though I'm pissed at her... I didn't want her pissed at me.

-(As a sidenote, HotttGirl has been very supportive and now that all this went down with Franco - my confused emotions about HotttGirl have settled down such that I can just be very good friends with her without all that other attraction getting in the way. In a way I'm appreciative of that.)

-(As another sidenote, Texas Heather told me that SHE had once been married and had cheated on her husband with a woman which drove him crazy and he got arrested.. and she ended up leaving the woman. In the end the marriage didn't work out (it was only common law anyway) and he left but she never did get back with the girl. She told me this story because she wanted me to understand that Franco was in no place for me right now. That even if she had chosen me ... she wouldn't be emotionally stable enough for the relationship. I knew this anyway but it meant more coming from someone who'd been the "franco" in the situation and could talk from that experience. The same thing with HotttGirl, actually. She'd also done something similar to a girl and told me that hearing about my experiences with Franco made her feel almost as if she was attoning for what she'd done to her ex-girlfriend.)

- Saturday I went out with friends and while at dinner I recieved a text from Franco saying, "I just wanted you to know that I was leaving for my vacation tomorrow and that if I get a chance before I leave I will respond to your e-mails. But know that I miss you and moreover that I love you mind, body and soul." It was sweet... very sweet... but I rolled my eyes. My friend grabbed the phone from me and wrote back to her, "Blah Blah." Later I sent a text admitting that it wasn't me but that I hadn't stopped the send either. I never heard from her.

- Sunday morning I received a call at 7am - waking me up. I thought it was a text so when I flipped my phone open to read it... I'd actually answered Franco's call. She'd apparently just turned her phone on and received those messages and wanted to call about it. I spent the entire phone call being generally mean to her... telling her about how her apology wasn't good enough. Telling her about how I'd been angry. About I didn't want to be too much of a "relief" by not talking to her. I didn't really hold anything back but I was also barely awake so I don't believe anything was too harsh. She just took everything... it was actually a pleasant conversation. Almost like old times with me unable to stop talking to her but without all that pain and sadness. Probably that's why she liked the call so much... I wasn't being "weak." During the call she referred to me as her "horrible addiction" and I snipped at her for calling me "horrible." She was packing for her vacation... a vacation she'd planned with her fucking family INSTEAD of a road trip that would have brought her to Los Angeles. A vacation that also happens to occur over my birthday. It was really a wonderful gift to hear about that vacation (note sarcasm). Her husband interrupted a couple of times and she hid the phone and pretended she wasn't on it... just like old times. She said, "My husband is going to kill me when he gets the phone bill and sees that I'm still talking to you." "Yeah," I said, "And he's probably also going to notice that all the phone calls are outgoing." She said, "Well this is probably the last time I'll talk to you and I wanted to make it nice." "Yeah," I said, "I thought your voicemail was the last time your were going to talk to me." Maybe we can arrange it so that we can talk at least once a month - she offered. "Whatever" was my attitude. She ended the phone call by saying, "I love you" and as I was beginning to reciprocate she interrupted to say, "And you don't have to say it back!" "Well I was saying it back but you interrupted me so now all you get is a Fuck you!" And then we said our good-byes.

- About two hours later I got a text from her telling me that "Damnit! Every time I have a free moment I want to call you! Damn you for making me miss you so much!" I offered that we could make each other voo doo dolls to talk to instead. She said she'd sew one right up. I told her to make sure she made it out of satin so it would feel like her.

- And now I'm feeling like a dummy because I left her with a nice comment! I should have left her thinking that I still hated her because that makes her more responsive! I'm still angry... still annoyed... and very much better. My appetite is back. I don't think about her every second. I actually kinda miss being sad because now I'm just sorta numb to it all and I would LIKE to remember how much I was able to feel. I mean I know that the sad is not gone.. it's just sorta buried under a couple layers of absolute disgust. I also kinda miss having no appetite because I was losing weight!

- In summary - I think some of that early advice from one friend is the most accurate. The sooner I'm getting back to the "old me"... the sooner she's remembering why she fell in love with me in the first place. And while getting back to the "old me" means I won't/don't want her anymore ... it may oddly be the way I win her back.

The calm before the storm

I actually made it through all of today without crying though I did have one anxiety attack in the bathroom. I've concluded that no sleep on top of this grief is not helpful. My mornings... oh they just suck. I wake up weeping. I can't leave the room. When I do - it's to weep in the bathroom. I've turned into that crazy ex... going through all the stages of loss. I've lost my appetite (I'm just starting to get it back) and hell I even induced vomit on a couple of occasions!! WTF??

Two days ago I was in the bargaining stage and thinking thoughts like "What if I just wait for her older husband to die" (he is twenty years older than her) and "If I promise never to come see you can I please just talk to you again like before," and "Your husband and I both love you and you love both of us... let's make it work for all of us." EWWWW!! None of these thoughts are appealing but they just kept coming up.

The waiting for her husband to die thing... well that was something that Franco had told me that Irritating Girl had once said to her back when they were flirting. Franco once brought that up and said, "Would you do that?" (I mean we both knew from day one that she was going to end up back with her husband but she kept moving farther and farther away from him so I had all that hope for this fantastic relationship that we were on the verge of! Completely emotionally, intellectually and sexually compatible! UGH! And this is why I grieve - I grieve for the loss of something that died far far too early.) Anyway... I yelled at her when she said that originally! "OMIGOD! I can't believe you even suggested that!" But yesterday I remembered it and had that *ZING* of hope again. Dumb. But then I thought, "Wait a minute! Waiting for your husband to die???? That's not something that rational people say! Shit! Irritating Girl was in love with Franco!!!"

So I sent a text to Franco asking her to tell me the truth - was this what happened to Irritating Girl? (Since I knew they had been flirting once but then Franco cut it off because she really wasn't interested in I.G. and had just been looking for the distraction and the attention because her marriage wasn't satisfying her. I.G. was even going to go to fly and visit Franco but Franco cancelled the trip and then stopped talking to I.G. because she was re-dedicating herself to making her marriage work.) (Eerily familiar!) Franco wrote back that NO - this was nothing like the situation with I.G. She "supposed" I.G. was in love with her but the difference was that she was not in love with I.G. (As she was in love with me.) I guess that made me feel better. But then I remembered how poor I.G. continued to try to be Franco's friend while also healing and moving on. Part of that moving on involved her becoming interested in me and then guess what happened.... Franco and I fell for each other. Thus crushing poor I.G. again!

I still don't really like Irritating Girl but I do have a new sympathy for her. And the thing is... I do NOT want to become her. I do not want to watch Franco with other people. (Husband, obviously, and especially not anyone else that should come along. My god if someone else came along and she DID leave her husband for THAT person... the horror.)

Two friends in particular have been the ones keeping track of me mostly. Making sure that I get out of the house and go where I'm supposed to go and don't stay in my room weeping. Though I wake up at like 5-6am and cry and try to go back to sleep until a more normal waking up time. And no one can babysit me in the mornings. But it's good, I think, to let this all out and wallow in all this pain. If I allow myself to suffer then I won't hide it and bury it and then release it at inappropriate times in the future. (So I think.)

I try really really hard not to contact her. But I slip. And when I slip I get nice and caring responses from her but they have an element of coldness. Like between the lines it says, "Stop this. I can only text you once and then you have to quit!"So after endlessly talking out all my theories and feelings and everything with all of my friends only to be given differing advice from everybody based on their own current or past romantic dramas... I concluded that it was pointless to keep talking to everybody else. So last night I sent her an e-mail getting EVERYTHING off my chest. Usually this type of e-mail should be promptly deleted or printed but not sent or saved as a draft or left as a locked diary entry. I have one or two like that two - the really foul and angry ones. The ones I didn't send because I knew I'd so regret those later. This one, though, had loving things AND angry things AND hurt things AND hopeful things. It just had EVERYthing that I just wanted to tell her but couldn't because I wasn't allowed to talk to her on the phone. (Not that I would have been that coherant on the phone anyway.) It did feel better to send it all out to her. Yes, I probably burdened her with a lot of my feelings but it was also written at a time of acceptance I guess. Like... I'd been avoiding saying these things because I thought she might come back. But now that she's showed her steel reserve and willpower ... I guess I know she's not coming back. So I said things like, "Why should I bother being strong? Strong doesn't bring you back so I've got nothing to lose." The letter ended up being 6 pages long. Boy it was a doozy. And I ended it by saying, "if and when you respond - please please please don't be harsh" because the wound is still open.

But I know that there are things she'll need to say too. Explanations she'll feel that she needs to give (even though I understand why she made the choice she made). And I'm not really looking forward to that response.Today was sorta the calm before the storm I think.

This morning was NOT good. I did have an anxiety attack and had to close myself up in a bathroom stall to try to breath and not cry and pull myself together. I sent her a text then asking her to just please say something nice to me. She told me of a memory of a nice time we had together. A "nice" time... even her nice things seem to hurt like daggers. Later when I was on a break I broke down and called her on the phone - "I just needed to hear your voice to ground me" I said. And then I told her about the 6 page letter and how I worried that this may be the last time she'd talk to me. She said she'd check it and she let me go. She was OK to me but there was that coldness.

When I got home (I'm taking classes so I had a 45 minute break between classes during which I went home) I got a text from her responding to one of the sections of my letter. She assured me that she didn't want me gone and that I wasn't just a one night stand to her. (Both past tense sayings.) (Like I can totally read that like "I didn't want you gone but now I do.") "It just has to be this way," was how she ended it. Again another sting. I decided to just call her... "So you've read the e-mail?" "I'm reading it now... I just read that part and felt compelled to respond to that right away. I'll respond to this but maybe not tonight." I let her go and reminded her to please try to not be harsh when she did reply. Her phone call wrapping up tone was cold... I asked her if she was just cold or if she was just trying to make it easier to hang up. She said she was trying to make it easier to hang up.

But still... hearing from her at all just made me feel better today. Because I am worried about what her response is going to do to me. I'm feeling a little better... but her response will undoubtedly hold some final truths.. some final closure... some final unforgivable things. Maybe. I don't know.

Later after my second class I'd discovered I'd just received an award for something that was something Franco and I had in common and often talked about. I just had to tell her so I sent yet another text. She congratulated me and we carried on a brief but happy and humorous text-based conversation. She keeps asking me if I'm feeling better. I wish she'd stop. I wish SHE wouldn't feel better. But anyway... having all the communication with her today made me feel ... like I could survive.

The best best best best best part of my day, though, was at night. Hours after the conversation in the above paragraph... of her OWN VOLITION... WITHOUT ANY PROMPTING BY ME... she sent me two texts. The first, "Goodnight." The second, "I miss my best friend."

Awwww! She fucking made me high again. But god damnit then I get all upset because she misses her "Best Friend" and not her GIRLFRIEND!!

I'm still waiting for the shitstorm that is her response back to me though.

Ripped

She's totally ripped my heart out. I don't think I can tell the story again to one more person rationally - including this anonymous diary.So short story - when her husband got out of jail - she "showed him how much she loved him" such that he now trusts her whole heartedly. In other words - she fucked him. And not only did she fuck him but A) she didn't have sex with him while thinking about me and crying like she did when had just started to fall for me and B) she showed him how much she "loved" him which means to me that she "made love" to him.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I've been dying. Like literally dying. I can't eat. I'm completely sick. I'm already uncomfortable because of my back and everything. This fucking fucking fucking fucking sucks.

There are so many hurts. How can she go from being in love with me and looking for apartments and knowing that the marriage was "over" on fucking Tuesday to forgetting about me and making love to him by Thursday?!?!?!Today I threw up from grief and that was a first.

She claims she's still in love with me. But she has an "ideal life" that she wants for her son and I'm not part of that "normal" that she wants. She said she's so upset about what she's done to me .. her "soulmate". HOW THE FUCK CAN SHE CALL ME HER SOULMATE AND DUMP ME AND FUCK HIM AND CHOOSE THAT LIFE?!?!? How can she still be in love with me (which she claims) and just drop me so fucking easily?!?!

My friends are all on "suicide watch" but when I can't even get myself out of bed in the morning... how can they even watch me? One of my guy friends has been great at talking me through some of this but I found out today that the reason he's so great at knowing how I feel is because he got dumped several months ago.

And ... and ... he still fucking hurts every day. And he still hasn't gotten his appetite back. And talking to me about my fresh pain makes him feel less alone in his. I know this pain - I've felt it once before when I was 17 and my first love broke my heart. I didn't feel this pain when my last girlfriend (called "NowEx" in my blog posts) and I broke up. I made NowEx come over to comfort me the night I found out.. she held me and let me cry (much to the chagrin of her current new girlfriend) but in the end she got insulted. "You didn't react like this when we broke up," she said. I lied and told her I had but I'd hid it from her. Really it's because I was never in love with her.

I'd just finally fucking admitted to Francophile that I was in love with her on Monday. Wednesday she dumped me. Thursday she ripped my heart out and stomped on it. And I've gone fucking insane.

Where?

Where are the other characters?

Well Franco got REALLY jealous over HotttGirl and Texas Heather so I lost touch with them for a while. I still get the occasional text from Texas Heather. HotttGirl got upset about Franco because she was afraid she'd lose me as a friend. And it just so happened that after last week's "break-up" in which I took Franco's status away - HotttGirl was the first person I talked to (via IM). So, as Franco put it, she was there to "comfort me" and Franco was PISSSSSSED! Which I found entertaining. I still love that HotttGirl because of that flattery!

Lincoln is still around and slightly bitter that my attention has been distracted by Franco.

Irritating Girl still occasionally talks to Franco but does not seem to be talking to me. (I'm hoping that sticks.)

There's a new character that may show up again - Clarice Starling. Clarice is a girl I met in a group a few months ago who recently showed up again at a movie screening. After that night she gave me her number and we've had two hour long phone conversations (separate nights). (The second conversation was a drunk dial.) Clarice is an interesting girl and very pretty - way out of my league AND I'm not attracted to her in the slightest. (Now.) She's quite a talker (way too much) and far too skinny and "attractive" for my tastes. Really I like a little meat. (Can I just pause here to say that Franco's body was SOOOO wonderful! DAMN I'm going to miss it.) Anyway - Clarice clearly has no interest in me and sees me only as a friend but I figure she's worth adding to the character list just in case there's a lonely night, some alcohol and a need for a rebound snuggling. Ha!

SoYeahUm has been annoying, as per usual, but friendly. She plans to move back to the midwest sometime later this year - having not successfully found what she was looking for. Whatever that was.

Los Angeles Heather has been contacting me more lately. It was like she detected my relationship status and either felt safer contacting me or wanted to stir things up. She even said she wanted to arrange another dinner outing with me! Signals are crazy things.

I've really felt no excitement towards any of my regular women since Franco showed up and I'm hoping to build some of that up again. Though now my days of being a fake "playa" feel dumb.

July 27 - A Moon

It's been almost exactly a month since my last post and a lot has happened (since a lot seems to happen in a short amount of time).

I'd like to touch on many things via bullet points:

- Shortly after my return to Los Angeles and Franco's return to her "normal life" with her husband - she decided that she just couldn't take the fighting and the yelling and just didn't know how to handle everything that was going on all at once. She decided to move out for a while. Fortunately the couple had an apartment building with two empties. Her cousin moved into one and she snatched the other and on moving day her cousins helped her move in a bed, a chair and some basic necessities. She loved it! She loved the freedom. She loved the low maintenance place and even began decorating. But her husband wasn't happy and his pride was getting more and more wounded.

- The time that Franco lived in the apartment was a wonderful trip for the two of us. She was nice to me all of the time. Couldn't wait to talk to me. We had a couple of wonderful nights exploring the new sexual aspect of our relationship via phone. Etc. Etc.

- But all good things must come to an end and Franco's husband put an end date on her staying at the apartment by renting it out to a new tenant that was set to move in on August 1st. We had a date. A date by which we knew things were going to end for our little fantasy world.

- I had a conversation with Franco - a brief one. Basically, I said, if you move back in with your husband I will no longer call you my "girlfriend." A simple word but now that our feelings had grown and changed (since my last blog I'd started to accept that I was falling in love with her) I would simply no longer be able to tolerate her being "unfaithful" to me by way of being faithful to her husband. She understood and she knew... if she moves back home... she loses her girlfriend.

- One night Franco stayed out late and reconnected with an old female friend from college. Franco's husband spent the night calling her and calling her (his jealousy, his lack of trust, his loss of pride, his embarassment ... all of these things just kept building and building within him making each day a little more unbearable - yet she still felt no regret for what she'd done with me). Eventually her cell phone died but she thought nothing of it. Her old friend and her went back to her place to carry on their conversation and being that there was no furniture - they sat on her bed and talked. Well then Franco's husband showed up and caught them "together in bed" and FREAKED OUT (since now he doesn't trust her with any woman). He lost it and the way he was handling their baby (whom he'd brought along) scared Franco. He told her that if she wanted to see her baby - she had to come home! And he turned around and left with their son. So she called me and told me that because of what happened (and she was crying and scared when she called) that she had to go home. And she did. And she spent that night in their basement.

- The next day she'd assumed that she'd lost me because of the move home but I told her that since it wasn't by choice - I couldn't take her status away. And she proceeded to call me and text me whenever she could but the change from her calling me whenever to going back to the OLD way (calling and texting only on the sly) was incredibly upsetting.

- Please understand that I do not know her husband. And I do not blame him for anything he's done in his reaction. And I definitely don't think he deserves what happened ... but I had fallen for his wife. And his wife had fallen for me. Her concern, however, continued to be her "pride" in her house and the way her "perfect" little family looked on the outside. More and more I could feel her pulling away from me and back towards this "perfect" little life. However one move back to her family would have been easier than the constant, "I don't think this marriage is going to last," and "I talked about you with my friend all night," and "Today he told me he was getting a lawyer tomorrow," and etc. Yes it was all true but it was all conjecture and LEADING ME ON. For whatever reason ... I had some sort of hope that things might actually work out for us ... and so I continued to open up my heart to her.

- Last Monday I awoke from an uncomfortable dream. A dream in which I was reacting to my trust issues. How could I trust a girl that lives nowhere near me... a girl that has obvious issues with being faithful? My fears were calmed when she called me that morning all giddy and told me that she'd just had a wonderful dream about the two of us getting married. I was all smiles until she slipped and said, "My husband got out of bed early this morning and yelled at me because he couldn't sleep because he kept thinking about what I'd done." "Wait... what?," I said, "Did you just say your husband got out of bed? When did your husband and you start sleeping together again?" She told me he'd started the night before. Two nights. He'd been sleeping with her for two nights and she didn't think it was important to mention. I died a little right there and my day was totally fucked.

- She knew it was coming but because of family issues (a death) she'd asked me to not "change" anything that week. But I was dying. Tuesday she had her first therapy appointment since our weekend - something that everybody had been begging her to do because her behavior (crying, numbness, self-inflicted injuries - totally my fault because I'd told her about my issues with that and she'd wanted to be like me) had been hard to talk her through. Afterwards she called me to tell me how it had gone and she told me that if I needed to have a conversation with her I could. So I did it - I took away her "girlfriend" title and begged her not to talk to me about her life with her husband anymore because it was too painful. She didn't argue. She didn't fight. She accepted it. And that killed me most of all.

- I spent Tuesday and Wednesday in a haze of that old familiar broken-hearted feeling though I knew I'd done it myself. She hadn't cheated on me.... she'd just been laying in the same bed as her husband... avoiding him as she'd done for all the months involved in our romance. But now it was different. And now with her therapy and her upcoming marriage counseling appointments and her moving home and her NOT kicking her husband out of bed and her NOT getting her own lawyer and her NOT being proactive in any way towards the ending of her marriage - I felt as if I was getting kicked to the curb. And could I blame her? No. But I did finally feel like I could want more than what she was willing to give.

- We talked several times with her trying to keep everything friendly but I was in pain and I was angry and so I reacted coldly and "tough" as she kept describing me. But she could still break me down and we ended up having nice conversations. Familiar conversations. And I told her that I was still her "mistress"... just not her girlfriend. And she began to open up a little more about her pain around me and the loss of her title and actually made me feel wanted again. And she managed to lead me on again... though I don't think she ever did or ever does it intentionally. She just wants me but she doesn't want to stir up her life. She would prefer it be done TO her instead of BY her.

- Monday I hurt my back and by Tuesday it was bad enough to seek an emergency appointment with my chiropractor. The woman approaches pain in a holistic manner and after a number of emotional/spiritual tests she determined that my back injury was due to my heavy emotions around a certain romantic relationship - I wonder who! I told Franco when I got home (she'd been checking up on my twice an hour - a perfect caring girlfriend type of thing to do) and she really took it seriously.

- Last night she went out drinking with co-workers and stayed out until all hours getting drunker and drunker. When she returned home she found her husband - drunk off his ass - and surrounded by holes punched in walls (blood everywhere), broken phones, broken pictures, broken EVERYTHING. Franco's sister (an off-duty cop) was there too and had been there calming her husband down for a while. She (the sister) drove him to the apartment to keep him away from Franco for the night (who was now terrified). He left with a case of beer, a bottle of pills and no phone so Franco and her sister called the police and asked them to check up on him. Franco called me to recount the evening and she was scared and crying and still horribly drunk. This morning she awoke to him standing next to her bed yelling at her and still horribly drunk. She was scared again and didn't know what to do so she called the police again. When they arrived he was being a sarcastic ass to one of the officers so they decided to arrest him. Franco begged them not to but they told her it was the third time they'd had to deal with him (so apparently they'd been called by someone else during the night) and that they were afraid of what he'd do to her if they left. They suggested that they would keep him until he sobered up. Franco called her parents and went to their house and told them everything (much they'd already known from guessing and hints) about us and why she felt that her husband shouldn't be in jail and everything. Her dad, whom she looks up to more than anybody, said he wasn't defending her husband but that he could understand why he was reacting the way he was. And for whatever reason - the guilt she hadn't felt about what she'd done with me (about what she'd been continuing to do with me) suddenly rushed in and hit her. All because of her dad not condemning her husband for his behavior. She decided then that she had to give her marriage a decent shot. She had to be honest with her husband and by honest that meant that when she said, "No I'm not talking to her!" she wanted it to be true. She continued to call the police throughout the day and they told her they'd be keeping him for the night because they wanted to do a psychological evaluation and they couldn't do that until tomorrow. She felt horrible. She wanted to be honest. She wanted to give her marriage one last chance. And she didn't want to hurt me anymore with her inability to give him up and the emotional stress that led to back injuries and etc. And so she decided she had to give me up once and for all. She talked to me for an hour... all around it and never getting to it until the end of the conversation. She talked about the knots she'd had in her stomach and the fear she had of talking to me... and so I feel like the best gift I could ever give her is to just let it be easy for her.

- So yes... I'm angry. I'm hurt. I feel betrayed. But I'm also sooo proud of her for finally making a decision in a direction. And rather like Catherine Zeta-Jones' character in the movie THE TERMINAL - I was rooting for the husband. And she's told me that she just wants to do things honestly - even if it is to separate and get a divorce amicably. She said she wants to be my girlfriend easily - with no distractions and no guilt about what being my girlfriend does to other people. I have nothing but respect for her. It maybe makes me fall for her even a little more. But how am I going to deal with her disappearing. Is it even going to work? Every other time we've had this talk (and admittedly it's been me more than it's been her) - we've just given up on trying to give each other up. We're addicted to each other. How is this time going to be any different?

Since last week's drama I've been slowly patching up all the little holes in my "wall" that she'd managed to get through. My wall, however, wasn't all that strong to begin with. I really have been really open to people lately so I don't want to over-patch the holes. The only person that's going to have trouble getting in (I think) is her again. Yes, I cried today but not as much as last week. There is a numbness that she's building in me and maybe it will be best if I hone that numbness and use it to keep her away if she tries to come back. I guess only time will tell right now. Brain says, "Keep her on the right path. Don't tempt her. Don't call her. Don't answer her calls." Heart says, "Remind her that you exist. That you're waiting. That you're hurting because of her. Guilt her into coming back to you." Thus far the Heart has won 90 percent of the battles. And this time I'm really rooting for the Brain.

June 28 - The Trip

First I had a layover in Vegas and I know another Myspacer there and she invited me to dinner so we had a meal at the airport during my layover. She was nice - Franco was freaking out because she thought I'd a) like the other girl (not a chance) and/or b) not watch the clock and miss the flight so she kept checking on me.

I arrived at 4:00am and Franco picked me up. Lots of awkwardness - we had a hard time looking at each other because we knew each other TOO well and yet this was our first time meeting. Her mannerisms were different. She was less "girly" than I had envisioned. Different. (I mean we'd been talking for like 4 hours everyday. Texting. E-mailing. LOTS of communication and then here we are realizing that we are real people.)

Oh also when the plane landed the first message I got was that there was only one bed at the hotel! She'd changed the reservation to two beds but they didn't change it in the computer or something! So that weirdness was pending.

We got to the hotel - went to bed. Awkward. I tried to sleep but I was pretty nervous the whole time and damnit I just really wanted her to touch me. She told me later that she'd stayed awake for a little while - watching me sleep to make sure I was real. (Aww!)

I woke up around 8am (I'd not really been able to sleep in that awkwardness). She got up. We had some hotel continental breakfast in the room and were trying to pretend to read a newspaper because things were weird. We finished our muffins and went to the major mall in her city.

So basically Day 1 (Friday) was like all our first dates rolled into one. We went to the mall. Went shopping in the gifty shops. Had a small meal at McDonald's. Decided to watch a movie (Nacho Libre). In the movie we did the whole knees touching stuff. After the movie we went to the amusement park aspect of the big mall and went on a few "dark" rides (so more "accidental" bumping into each other type of stuff). Then we went back to the hotel to kill some time before we were both hungry enough to go to dinner. So we ended up deciding to take a nap since we hadn't had much sleep at all. During this time together on the bed she made her first move and scootched backwards into me. Her head landed into my hand so I sat there caressing her hair before I worked up the nerve to put my arm around her. We ended up cuddling during our nap.

Then we woke up and drove into town for dinner. Then we went back to the hotel to watch a movie (I'd brought my portable DVD player for movie watching). It was a three hour movie (Tipping the Velvet - I brought it because I thought it might create a "mood") and she ended up falling asleep after hour one. I put it all away and got ready for bed.

After locking the doors and shutting off all the lights I got back into the bed and she rolled over and faced me - I'd woken her up with all of my movements around the room. For five or so minutes we lay there staring into each other's eyes (well technically we couldn't actually see each other because it was pitch black) and making vague references to kissing. Finally she got up the nerve and approached me with her mouth and gave me her first kiss with a woman. I reciprocated and we continued to kiss for a while - each acknowledging that the other was an excellent kisser.

I caressed her arms, kissed her neck and found the bottom of her shirt and slipped my hand underneath. She did the same and just got closer and closer to my breast. I felt almost as if I was a "lesbian sex teaching dummy" at this point and wanted her to experience everything regardless of whether or not I was turned on so I coaxed her into finally touching it. She loved it! I began touching her breasts and eventually moved to using my mouth. She did the same. And it all progressed much much faster and further than I had ever expected it to. By the end of the night we were both sloppy with sex and dead tired. She'd managed to finish me and I'd only come close to her result. (She'd pre-warned me that she takes a long time and I would have stayed down there forever but she'd thrown me over to experience me.)

God her skin was soft. Her kisses were wonderful. Her touch was well honed. She spent the entire time nervous and HOPING that she wouldn't like it but when all was said and done - she was better than my exes in bed and I may have just turned her too gay! She kept repeating that she had no idea I'd be so sensual. As I told her then and as we both agree now - we didn't have sex. We made love.

Day 2 - Saturday - we went to her hometown. (Her husband and baby had driven out of town for a visit with grandma for the day). She showed me her house, we ate at her favorite restaurant, she took me to the spot on the river where she often likes to go to think about me, I briefly met her younger sister (who knew everything), the school she teaches at and then we went to a play at the community college. Afterwards and during intermission she kept running into people she knew and they'd ask things like "Oh you got away from the boys tonight huh?" and it was getting to her. We had to get the hell out of Dodge because she was uber weirded out by her "two worlds colliding". We went back to the city (2 hour drive each way) and watched hour 2 of the three hour movie before she fell asleep again.

Day 3 - Sunday - We went to a used book store (kissed while there) and ate at another restaurant instead. Then we went to the local art gallery (where we kissed) and browsed around in there. Then we sat in a park for a while and kissed there. Went back to the hotel. Ended up taking another nap. Got up and headed to a fancy restaurant for dinner. Went back to the hotel. Watched hour 3 of the movie and then watched another movie. Sleep.

Day 4 - Monday - This was a weird day. We slept in so we had to rush to pack up and get ready before check-out. Then we had a couple of hours to kill before my flight so we decided to go to the restaurant at Ikea. She was kinda being a shit and talking about dropping me off early so she could get back to her son sooner and just generally being kinda cold. So she dropped me off leaving me feeling like "Well fuck her then!" but by the time I got to Vegas she was calling me to tell me how sorry she was and how she just couldn't handle the goodbye so she was just trying to be mean to make it easier. So she got forgiven.

But keep in mind that her husband kept calling constantly throughout the weekend - angry at her (obviously) and accusing her of doing stuff which she kept denying. Ugh. One of the shitty things she said on Monday, after I asked her if she'd regret the weekend, was, "I'll regret it if my husband divorces me because of it." (Ouch!) Well apparently during my flight from Minneapolis to Vegas on the way back she'd confessed everything to him and had been bawling and super depressed and was essentially having a breakdown. And now she misses me horribly.

And in summation on my end: I like her but she was different than what I expected (in looks and mannerisms). I think I like her less now than I did before the trip and that she likes me more. I certainly don't like/love her enough to move to Minnesota and raise her kid as Mom #2 but I do like her enough to continue this weird long distance email thing that we have and it still stings that she wants to keep her marriage functional.

June 20 - Things Go Fast

Things go fast when you find romance. Is that completely weird - or is it just... normal?

My whirlwind correspondence/romance thing with Francophile just spiraled into a huge ball of mush! But to back up...

Francophile and I began instant messaging - a new and scary thing for us. BUT it turned out rather well. Better than expected. We got to see a little more of our normal conversational selves as opposed to the planned and edited long e-mails we'd been sending. I even sent a video of myself saying hello - so she could see my mouth moving. :) She sent a reciprocation of just her feet - and her voice. Our first time hearing each other!

I finally went out with Irritating Girl and that led to Franco getting jealous that I.G. got to meet me and not her. We planned to have our first phone conversation the next day (while she was out driving her baby for his normal drive/nap) but it was tough waiting.

When it happened - it flowed well but having the e-mail/im personality transfer to phone personality was obviously a little weird. We spent most of the conversation talking about my "friend date" with I.G. By this point we already knew we super liked each other but adding the phone element was a test.

I failed the test! That's not to say that I sucked at talking - I did great! But I was weirded out by the phone voice - the accent I wasn't really expecting - the different flow of it all. But we had a great conversation and really liked each other so we planned another one for just a couple of days later. After our second when it became "audibly" apparent to me that Franco liked me a lot - this is when I failed. After our call she'd sent a new set of "six questions" and I answered them honestly and stupidly decided that she sounded "weak" on the phone (and that I should tell her that). (A weakness for me, I understand, but I like my women strong and a display of weakness makes me uncomfortable. I informed her that if that pissed her off then so be it. Her getting mad would undoubtedly undo that whole "weak" feeling anyway!)

And she did - she got pissed at me - and in another IMing session I totally turned it around so that I was out of trouble (by saying something nice and romantic... since after all... she was displaying her strength).

Also I admitted in that e-mail that I was having mixed feelings about our whole relationship considering I still wanted to be single. I've been single for about a year and still haven't had all the random stranger nookie I'd been crossing my fingers for! And I was starting to get mad that I couldn't even THINK of other girls because she was consuming me.

Well we made up. Continued talking. Talked on the phone more. And she maintained that I was single and could do whatever I wanted - a situation I was strongly behind.

The other element is that we'd been throwing around this term "Free Pass." We offered the free pass to each other often. Using the Free Pass, you see, would be like a "Get Out of Jail Free" card. You just say it and then presto - we stop flirting. We stop being anything other than friendly. We never used it until one day on the phone - after a particularly great conversation - I steered the conversation towards FREE PASS. We decided that we were on a dangerous path ... a path soon approaching a point of no return so I suggested that we use the Pass now before things just got too painful.

So we stopped our e-mail role playing "adventure" that we had going but vowed to continue the question game (as long as the questions were not flirty). We also "outed" our relationship to Irritating Girl who DID NOT take it well. She was pissed on a number of levels. Pissed at Franco for not telling her sooner. Pissed at Franco for ruining her chances with me (which she never had anyway). Pissed at Franco for doing this to another girl (her viewpoint is that Franco used her for flirting and then just tossed her aside ... which is true actually). But we also told I.G. about how we were 'on a pause' basically. I received IRRITATING advice e-mails from I.G. following that!

Moving on - for a day or so I felt as if we had broken up. I felt a little better - a little freer. But we still talked. However I was DETERMINED that we not take it all up again because we really were on a path of suffering. She'd suffer in her marriage by wanting me instead. I'd suffer by knowing she slept with her husband every night and not me.

Well then it came to an honest conversation one morning in which she told me that she'd had sex with her husband the night before and had cried during the act because all she could think about was me. I thought I could just take this information but it did hit me like a punch - not that she cried but that she'd had sex with her husband.

Ugh! Despite free pass usage it still still ended up sucking. We continued our conversation about how sucky everything was currently - us being on pause. Her marriage. Etc. We began to talk more again. Officially we were still "on pause" but not really.

She ended up buying a large pillow that she named after me and cuddled with every night (instead of her husband). I was doing the same with a pile of blankets and pillows. We began our mutual yearn... something a lot stronger than compelling e-mail conversations.

We came to the conclusion that we had to meet each other. We just had to see each other in person and decide if all this strife was worth it. Heck we could meet and find out that we simply had no chemistry! So we formulated a plot with Franco borrowing money from her sister and us meeting in her city (several states away from me but only a couple hours from her).

By now it's also important to note that her husband really had begun figuring things out. She was honest with him about our friendship and his interactions with her went from angry to sobbing to numb because he'd always known about her interest in women and he could tell (can tell) that she's slipping away from him.

Well we were seconds away from purchasing a ticket when her husband began a fight she couldn't get out of. She IMed a disclaimer that "for now I have to be faithful to my husband." With friends on my other ear warning me about Dateline exclusives.. and her fighting with her jealous husband - I freaked out and called it off.

We decided again - it was too much. We had to use our free pass! I suggested we delete each other's numbers and she planned to erase her myspace account. Clearly we couldn't do the "friend" thing so we had to just do the "no contact at all" thing and if fate wanted us to be together - we'd find each other again.

It was tough. Too tough to last even a night - we were both crying after several minutes and gave up on that idea again. She said she'd still delete her page after a few days but ... for now she'd keep it.

Well again... we just couldn't stay away from each other. We couldn't NOT flirt. It was just impossible - we got along too fucking well! She and I were just on a wavelength and couldn't (can't!) stop talking.

We had more long conversations. She had more fights with her husband. Good productive fights that led her to telling him about her feelings about certain things she'd been previously uncomfortable talking about. And every once in a while he'd say something wonderful about how he wanted to get out of her way so she could find herself.

We also spoke honestly about how we'd both hoped that something physical would have happened on our trip.

Then one day she called me to tell me that she'd had another great conversation with her husband but that for now she really needed us to be on hold. She repeated something I'd once said about how for my previous relationships I'd had to know a girl for at least two years... so she asked for two years. I said great. No problem. We can be just friends. We can't stop talking but we can be just friends. A great idea but ... I went weird. I couldn't handle it really and I guess in a subconscious effort to make her jealous I did silly things.

HotttGirl was online at the time and I knew that Franco hated HotttGirl (for jealous reasons) so I carried on one of those visible comment conversations that you can have on myspace. Nothing flirty but it left a long line of HotttGirl messages on my profile that I knew Franco would see. (And which she did see - and claimed afterwards, "I just can't look at your profile anymore because of her!"

That night I also received a text from Texas Heather inviting me to Houston. I said jokingly "if you buy the ticket" and then we talked on the phone. She insisted that she had my agreement in writing and that I had to go now! Well I figured I was stuck so I went with it ... part of me hoping that I would go and my whole opinion of Texas Heather would change. She's a super nice girl and I'd like to stay friends with her but after that conversation it made me miss Franco more (like it had only been a number of hours) because it was so hard and felt so fake talking to Texas. Conversations with Franco just flow. Well it was late at night when I had that conversation so I sent a text message to Franco letting her know that Texas was going to buy me a ticket to Texas so she'd know when she got up.

Well Franco woke up to a thunderstorm clap early early in the morning and read my text. It PISSED HER OFF! She thought she'd been deceived by me - that I'd been lying to her about the closeness of my relationship with Texas (since how could a girl I barely talked to be buying me a plane ticket). Well we proceeded to have a fiery text message conversation during which she essentially kicked the Sara pillow out of bed! (I still think that's sooo fucking cute!) And during this text battle I also admitted that I was so tangled up in her that I couldn't even think about anyone else. (True.)

So again... another Free Pass thrown out the window. We knew three things 1) We couldn't be "just friends." 2) We couldn't "not talk." 3) We just had to admit that we were mad for each other.

We've spent the last week in an in love bliss - completely consumed with each other to the point of having long conversations about our futures together. Who would move where. When it could start happening. What kind of dog to have as a pet. Who's having the next baby if we have one... etc. And all of this without meeting.

So really - not meeting didn't stop the flow of anything. Knowing this - we concluded that we did have to meet soon. We were/are too crazy about each other not to at this point.

So a ticket has been purchased and I am flying to meet Ms. Francophile this week. The day can't come soon enough. I know the week will be hellish for her because of her jealous husband but... who cares. And this time we're talking not about being "faithful" but instead about just how much we want to make love to each other.

Tonight Francophile received a package I'd sent her full of little odds and ends and she was just so bursting with love for me that she went to her sister's house and told her everything. She went home feeling incredible because her sister was happy for her and glad she'd finally told her why she'd been acting so weird all summer.

Things won't be easy. Things will be soooooo tough. But there's still a part of each of us hoping that we'll meet each other and think, "HA! Wow. No chemistry at all. Let's just be super great friends!" But we both think that chance is minimal at this point.

So good luck to me!

The next update may be incredibly exciting or super disappointing! I vote "exciting."

May 29 - Franco

Since my last update I still have not gone out with Irritating Girl, Texas Heather spilled something on her phone - disabling it - so no new pictures/videos and no phone conversation yet, SoYeahUm's been a bitch who I hope to not associate with much anymore, L.A. Heather still hasn't really talked to me and HotttGirl changed her profile to say her orientation is "bi."

More importantly though, Francophile and I have continued to talk. At first it was just long e-mails but then at some point I suggested that she and I begin the "Six Question" game (the same one I "played" with Texas Heather) so that we could more directly focus our conversations.

The first question I asked her was a blatant, "So are you bi?" and her answer was in the affirmative. Then I asked her to describe her relationship with Irritating Girl - so I found out that actually they weren't friends in "real life." Actually they'd met on the Internet five years ago in a lesbian chat room, briefly had crushes on each other but then Franco met and fell in love with her husband to be and stopped talking to her. And they had just within the last several months found each other again on MySpace.

(So being "stolen" by a friend of I.G. no longer seems so rude and weird since I.G. and Franco have never even actually met.)

Anyway - I told Franco that I believed that the Six Question game inevitably led to harmless flirting (as warning) but she definitely wanted to play ... so we began.

And since that day we've both gotten a little carried away - e-mailing each other several times a day - staying up too late at night to write long responses - neglecting our work - not sleeping well - etc.

She's clearly dangerous. And she has some power over me - I just can't figure it out! For instance - in the beginning she asked me point blank if she was my type and I said, "No". But in a matter of two e-mails she had me saying, "You're exactly my type!" She's almost a Jedi knight using the "mind trick" on me ... just subtly saying things that I later repeat as if they were ideas of my own.

At the same time - some of the things she says (which are, by the way, some of the most romantic things anyone has every said to me) would make me bug my eyes out in fright/worry if someone else said them. But when she says them I swoon or blush or have a physical jolt run through me. Again I don't know what it is - she's not particularly attractive (though she is cute), she's exactly not the person I want to date (being just like my 2 exes in several ways) and she's totally unavailable (by relationship status and physical location). But I'm definitely "falling-in-like" with her and it is mutual.

I think part of the appeal is the secrecy though. Like not only from her husband (obviously) but also from Irritating Girl who might get upset when she finds out. (I'd still like to keep it from her but Franco says she's so consumed with me right now that she doesn't care who knows and actually WANTS I.G. to know because she has a right to like me if she wants to.)

Another part of the appeal is that she's never actually done anything with a girl. She's admitted that she's bi and before she met her husband she was telling people that she preferred women but... I guess in her small town world in the middle of America - she didn't have a lot of those opportunities.

All the usual red flags are up... but in this moment I've got yet another crush on yet another married girl.

May 9 - Irritating Girls

There's this girl - I don't even know what to name her yet. Thus far I can call her "irritating girl" but well that's just nondescriptive! But it'll do for now.

Anyway, Irritating Girl, sent me a note on Yahoo Personals. Yeah yeah yeah I had a page there but I never bought the subscription so it just sat and sat until one day I got a note from her. She seemed kind of interesting but honestly... I thought she was maybe a little too big for me.

I know that sounds horrible but I'm coming from A) I'm "bigger"... I've lost a LOT of weight but I'm still bigger. But because I DID lose a lot of weight I feel that I'm entitled to, at least for now, somebody that is a little healthier (whether I am or not). B) The three girls I've had relationships with have all been "bigger." The first being about my size, the second being far too skinny and then I fattened her up to a nice soft plump, and the third being far too big. C) After dating that third girl I know that I was simply not attracted to her a lot of the time. Her breasts were too big. She thought mine were too small (they're a decent average, thank you very much!) and D) My mother has always been a large woman. In the last couple of years she's dropped over a hundred pounds by having one of those weight loss surgeries and major Weight Watchers dieting.

All of that being said - I don't really want to date a "bigger" girl this time. This is also partially why I didn't want to date SoYeahUm ... because she could lose another 40 pounds.

(Keep in mind that my ideal woman is about an American sized 16 to 20. Though I'll go as low as 10 - 12.)

Anyway... so Irritating Girl was much too big but I figured, "What the hell!" and I sent her a reply with my MySpace address so we could talk there if she was a member.

She was and she began regularly sending me messages. Well she was Irritating right from the start... she didn't do anything truly outrageous (JEM!) but just did little things like asking me why I would like a movie that was my favorite movie. Talking about how she didn't like certain things. The way she phrased things... they just bugged me.

Right after Irritating Girl added me as a friend - a member of her list sent me a long note telling me about how fascinating she found me and asked if I would be her friend as well. This girl, we'll call her Francophile, and I have been exchanging long back and forth e-mails as well. Of course, as you can probably predict from this journal, she is married and has a small son. But I got a major bi-vibe from her. She's never outright said anything to me or even flirted in the slightest... but I feel like its only a matter of time. And I did/do feel a little awkward that Francophile, a real-life dear friend of Irritating Girl, is sending me these notes (with the subtext of "I'd like a woman to help me escape this marriage"... or that's what I think anyway) without Irritating Girl's knowledge.

BECAUSE it is plainly obvious to everyone that Irritating Girl wants me. (Upon conversing with SoYeamUm the other day I mentioned IR and she said, "Is that the girl who wants your babies?")

Anyway Irritating Girl even started a fan club for me - I had a little to do with that but it STILL weirded me out. And I had it ALL planned in my head that if Irritating Girl ever DID ask me out (because unlike most of the girls my stories are about, she's actually local, my age and single) that I would explain to her that I found her irritating and that it wouldn't be a good idea.

Well last week she did it - she asked me out! And I said "Sure, just as long as we don't call it a date because I'm still weird about those." Well she said cool - it would just be two potential friends getting coffee but WE ALL KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE!!

Well besides being Irritating - Irritating Girl, based on her profile, seems like a plumper L.A. Heather... who I still have built up to grand proportions in my head. So maybe she won't be that Irritating in real life.

(Oh and for the record, I finally asked Irritating Girl what the story was on Francophile. I didn't want to tell her about the messages but I.G. brought up that she was not "out" on MySpace or in real life with family but that most of her Top 8 didn't know. So I asked about Franco and told her we'd been writing little notes and I didn't want to accidentally slip that I.G. was gay if she didn't know. Well I.G. told me that Franco knew and was just recently realizing that she might be a bisexual herself. I knew it!!!)