Times of Your Month

Sometimes things can get confusing based solely on the lesbian's body clock. Especially when its synchronized with someone else's. Sometimes it's great. Sometime's it's drama.

In the years (five) that my now-ex and I have been dating - I don't beleve we've ever synchronized body clocks in the especially great way. (And by this I mean, matching fertile days with fertile days..... read "horny" days.)

Sure - she can work with a female boss for a week and match up with her but she and I have always remained off-kilter.

Well in our normal off-kilter manner she spent the last week going through a PMS depression fest while I remained calm. This was followed by my own depression fest and emotional breakdown over the weekend. After she spent the night out with a mutual friend and didn't return until 5am - I panicked for her safety. She, in turn, decided not to tell me what events transpired at the bar she was at based on "principle." Having only previously been worried about the mutual friend and alcohol consumption I was now taken suddenly aback with the suggestion that promiscuous events had transpired. (Now-ex is a mysterious gal. I was her "first" but then she dated a guy...then a girl...then me again. Whether she'll go for guy or girl when single is really questionable.) (She was at an Irish pub... so I wasn't horribly worried but bars CLOSE AT 2. Where the fuck was she from 2 to 4 when she headed home??)

I went into an emotional tailspin... worried about mutual friends keeping secrets from me... worried about what now-ex had done.... feeling like I'd been cheated on and not rightly so. I declared, with heart breaking, that she was NOT allowed to do this again as long as we still lived together (which is to be about two weeks more). Finally, after an hour or so of emotional vomit (and at some point dragging her into the cry-fest) she finally, unintentionally, revealed that nothing had happened between her and anyone. I don't know if it was a lie or not but it cleared up the thick layers of betrayal-feelings.

Ever since - we've been closer. She threw me a mini-celebration for a job interview I had. We've been cuddling more. This is actually bad news for the breakup. We won't be good as friends if we (I) can't stop touching each other.

And now (and especially now after watching a lesbian-themed movie and reading some suggestive "fanfiction") I'm in my fertile time-period and looking at her like I just should not! It's times like these that I need a "booty call" friend. (And gods help me - do NOT let me make now-ex into my booty call friend because that only leads to drama drama drama.)

Hells

This weekend I went to a family reunion which my now-ex was originally scheduled to attend. However, my now-ex's boss gave her a shit-hard time on Friday when she found out she was going. I hate now-ex's boss because she is yet one of the other people I blame for the loss of my comfy relationship... she put ideas in my now-ex's head I think... and was just generally never on my side because she just couldn't understand socially inept people. Anyway... she made some shitty comments to now-ex about "why are you going? are you going to beg for her back?"

I found out later that my now-ex went on a 5 mile walk at 10pm out of depression after her work day on Friday.

Without knowing about either event, I made sure that now-ex did join me at the hotel on Saturday because I was bored and had nothing to do (because she was supposed to be there ... we were supposed to be hanging out in the city area because the reunion part wasn't until Sunday but I was already in the hotel). Missing her ... and her missing me... we ended up hugging when alone in the room together and hugging led to a little peck on the lips. Bad bad bad!

She left shortly after, I continued with my day and my Sunday and returned Sunday night. We spent that evening, Monday evening and the whole day today together and .... everything's confused now. We had another little incident of peck-kissing yesterday.

The thing is - she was the one that initiated the break-up. I'm just trying to maintain it because I really don't think we've ever really been that compatible and REALLY... I'm not good for her. I hold her back. The break-up works when she keeps up with the "I don't know what my feelings for you are..." but it gets fuzzy when she gets sad and depressed about our breakup because I can't stand to see her sad.

The saddest part is that I feel nothing when I hold her or kiss her... other than comfy person and comfy skin. I can probably find comfy people elsewhere. There's NEVER really been any passion (on my side) in the relationship... and we suffered from our lesbian bed death a while ago. And she was never that into sex to begin with. She's asexual... and I can't stand it.

So I can grasp at the straws she's giving me and fix this relationship, not move, and be stuck in the same ol' repeating patterns of our dead-end relationship... or I can GET OUT!!! It seems like an obvious choice but somehow I always get sucked back in to the comfy and safe.